The moment our tongue tips touched and rubbed, everything turned white. The hand I’d placed on his shoulder to push him away slipped down and barely grabbed the edge of Cha Jeonghan’s thin jacket.
I should push him away, but knowing that tomorrow Cha Jeonghan wouldn’t remember this situation, there was clearly a part of me that didn’t want to push him away. Throughout the years we’d been together, not once had Cha Jeonghan remembered these moments. Last spring, and last Christmas and that summer day too… and that spring when we first entered university, Cha Jeonghan didn’t remember. Nothing at all.
“…Mm, mmh…..”
Sensations that collapsed all past thoughts climbed up here and there on my body all at once. When he wrapped around my tongue and sucked it deeply, then gently rubbed the tip, strength entered the hand holding Cha Jeonghan. I gently rubbed back against his tongue that was rubbing my tongue tip. The moment I moved, I felt breath that became rough in an instant. Like someone who’d lost reason, Cha Jeonghan penetrated me so much I couldn’t even breathe. Each time my tongue was sucked and rubbed, tingling pleasures sharp enough to make my spine shiver stabbed here and there around my body.
“Haah… heu. Hau…..”
Unable to breathe through my nose, breath that had pooled flowed through the gap between parted lips. Even in the moment of exhaling, knowing that Cha Jeonghan’s gaze was at a very close place, I kept suppressing sounds.
While I was glad I could touch Cha Jeonghan even like this, I couldn’t be comfortable because of the guilt that heavily pressed down on my heart. I couldn’t understand myself for liking to touch him by cheating like this, which made it worse. The emotion that was mine alone for 13 years without harming anyone seemed to have faded, so my eyes became moist. Cha Jeonghan grabbed my chin and gently lifted it. Then like an urgent person, he overlapped our lips again.
When I finally came to my senses thinking we shouldn’t do this and turned my head, Cha Jeonghan followed to where I’d turned my head and overlapped our lips again. I turned my head to the opposite side to avoid Cha Jeonghan, but Cha Jeonghan grabbed my chin again and made me look at him far too easily. And he frowned. He was angry that I avoided him.
“……”
“……”
My cheeks were hot. I tried not to cry, I absolutely tried not to cry even alone, but to show tears in front of Cha Jeonghan like this—I felt like I was going crazy. Cha Jeonghan looked at me like that for a while with eyes that became dazed as if unable to form thoughts, then tilted his head again.
He held my lips that had tears on them for a long time. He kissed without using his tongue, the kind of kiss that suited the word “peck” better. Each time his lips sucked in and released my lips, my fingertips tingled.
Like someone tasting tears, Cha Jeonghan persistently held only my lips, then completely bit them and penetrated into my mouth. I despised my own duplicitous behavior yet couldn’t push Cha Jeonghan away, and kissed him. I rubbed Cha Jeonghan’s tongue and sucked it the same way. Without saying who was first, when lips separated, they overlapped again, and when they separated again, they pressed together again.
“Ha….”
“…Haah…..”
Every place that touched each other was all hot. Body temperature rose, and I could feel that even the air surrounding us held warmth. More than anything, the breath we heated for each other was so hot I felt like I’d suffocate. Cha Jeonghan lightly pressed lips together while rubbing my tongue tip, then kissed here and there on my lips, corners of my mouth, and cheeks. Like… I was being loved by Cha Jeonghan—my heart fluttered so much, I trembled… and I was scared.
“…Let’s go in now. Try to straighten your body….”
Barely steadying my breath, I held Cha Jeonghan as if supporting him, still unable to control his body well alone. Cha Jeonghan followed my words and straightened his body, but soon became disheveled, straightened again and became disheveled, repeating. I barely entered the bedroom supporting him with my whole body and laid him on the bed. His head hurt and he seemed distressed from the alcohol, so Cha Jeonghan raised his arm to cover over his eyes and let out a sigh.
“……”
It would be good to change his clothes but I didn’t have the capacity for that. Looking at Cha Jeonghan who seemed to have fallen asleep right away, I barely left the room and entered the room I used. The moment I entered that room and closed the door, strength left my legs and I sat down leaning against the door.
“……”
Again, again… I’d touched Cha Jeonghan. Since it was something that happened once or twice a year since I was twenty, I wasn’t so shocked now that I’d stop and be unable to do anything for days, but still, every time I touched Cha Jeonghan, I hurt terribly because my emotions seemed faded.
While it was natural to want to share warmth with someone you love, for me all such thoughts felt like my impure heart, so I suffered. What I had to protect wasn’t love but friendship, and I knew all too well that friendship couldn’t be solidly connected through my impure thoughts. So I controlled and suppressed myself. I didn’t try to shake off the guilt that came from loving a friend, but always kept it by my side. Because I had to. Because only by doing so could I look at friendship before love.
‘…Ji Yuhyeon.’
Cha Jeonghan’s voice covered over my heart stained with self-reproach for doing what shouldn’t be done. Even in situations where he couldn’t distinguish anything, he always said my name accurately. If he’d thought of me as someone else, could I have had no expectations? Could I have gotten hurt and ended it? Countless thoughts escaped the realm of self-reproach and filled the room.
“……”
I raised my knees and buried my face over them. All I could do was hope that Cha Jeonghan wouldn’t remember any of this tomorrow, just as he’d done until now. Because only then would this solidly constructed relationship called friendship between us continue tomorrow too. I absolutely didn’t want to break our friendship. That was my sincerity that hadn’t yet faded.
I fell asleep seeing it had become 5 AM. Maybe because I slept late, when I opened my eyes it was past 10 o’clock. My heart sank thinking I’d overslept, but soon remembering Cha Jeonghan had no schedule today, I relaxed my body.
Seeing how quiet it was outside the room, it seemed Cha Jeonghan also hadn’t woken yet. I wondered if he was sleeping well since I couldn’t even change his clothes so he must be uncomfortable, so I got up and went to Cha Jeonghan’s bedroom to peek inside slightly.
Whether he’d taken it off because it was stuffy while sleeping, the jacket had fallen to the floor. I went inside and picked up the jacket. I was thinking of sending it to the cleaners along with some accumulated clothes.
“…What time is it.”
I’d deliberately tried to move as quietly as possible without making sounds so my small movements wouldn’t wake him, but a voice was heard as if he’d sensed the presence. The deeply subdued voice touched my heart before grazing my ear. Remembering him calling my name last night in a similar voice, the heart I’d tried to suppress was torn apart again far too easily.
“A bit past 10. How’s your stomach?”
“It’s fine. Just my head hurts a bit.”
I quickly left the room and took out a bottle of cold water to bring to Cha Jeonghan. His throat must have been dry as he emptied the entire bottle in one go, placed the empty bottle aside, and furrowed his brows. I quietly looked at him, not knowing what Cha Jeonghan would say. From the atmosphere, it seemed he didn’t remember yesterday’s events.
“Yesterday….”
“……”
“What time did I get here?”
“…Around 1:30. Something like that.”
“I must have troubled you again. I’m sorry.”
“……”
I couldn’t immediately grasp the meaning of the words “troubled” and “sorry.” In Cha Jeonghan’s head there might be only simple words remaining, but in my head remained another matter that Cha Jeonghan didn’t know about. Cha Jeonghan looked up at me who wasn’t saying anything while sitting on the edge of the bed.
“You must have struggled carrying me again.”
“…Ah. I did do that.”
“Did I not listen again?”
Hearing up to there, my heart tightened and released. Deliberately ignoring the stiffness felt from a deep place, I looked at Cha Jeonghan.
“Yeah. You… when you’re drunk you really don’t listen. You don’t listen normally but when drunk you listen even less. Stubborn… and even stronger.”
Hearing my words, Cha Jeonghan burst into laughter like a breath. Seeing him laugh, it seemed certain he didn’t remember yesterday’s events perfectly. While thinking it was fortunate, my emotions kept becoming disheveled. For just being relieved, Cha Jeonghan’s warmth clinging to me was still too vivid.
“Seeing our good Ji Yuhyeon talking like this without even breathing, I must have really not listened yesterday.”
“…Never drink like that again.”
“Even if that sunbae calls me, I won’t go from now on. As of yesterday I’m completely sick of it. He’s not in his right mind. He doesn’t drink a single sip himself but keeps passing the glass to me telling me to drink…. Being grateful has its limits too.”
Cha Jeonghan was the type who was very definite about making and breaking connections. If he thought something wasn’t right, he would cut off the relationship in one stroke. I didn’t want to be cut off like that.
“If you can’t remember what happened just yesterday… isn’t that strange? Frustrating or something.”
“Rather than frustrating, it’s more scary not knowing if I made any mistakes without knowing. That’s why no matter how drunk I get outside, I always hold onto my senses.”
“How do you hold onto it? Can you do that with willpower?”
“I just think of you.”
“…Think of me?”
At the unexpected answer, strength entered my fingertips. Cha Jeonghan smiled broadly as if it was nothing and brushed back his hair.
“Even if I collapse, I think ‘let’s collapse after seeing Ji Yuhyeon’s face, let’s hold on until I see Yuhyeon. Hold on.'”
“……”
“You’re the only person I trust.”
“Yeah, that’s good. That’s admirable. It’s good… but don’t drink everything just because they give it to you.”
“Yes. I should listen to our Yuhyeon. Listening to you never does me any harm.”
“If you know… listen well. Don’t just be good at answering.”
