Cha Jeonghan got up from the sofa and went back into his room, then came out again looking at his phone. I said it was okay again, but Cha Jeonghan didn’t listen to me and sat back on the sofa while calling somewhere.
“Yes, hello. I’d like to do some shopping this afternoon. Yes. Not for me… Yes, that’s right. That friend. The size should be similar to back then. Yes. Yes, then I’ll come by 4 o’clock.”
It wasn’t exactly a bad hobby to call it that since it wasn’t a negative thing for me either, so I couldn’t say that, but Cha Jeonghan had a strange hobby. He would take me to the department store each season and have me try on lots of clothes, watch, then buy everything. I wasn’t even a celebrity, and if I needed clothes I could just go to the department store myself and buy something suitable, but Cha Jeonghan deliberately took me to the department store personal shopper who handled him. And he would buy up tremendously expensive clothes.
“Jeonghan-ah, I really have a lot of clothes…”
“It’s good to have more.”
“I really appreciate the thought… but it’s awkward changing clothes and coming out there.”
“You’ve been doing it for years and you’re still not used to it?”
“I’m not even a celebrity…”
“If you’re a celebrity’s friend, you should enjoy things like that too. Let’s eat lunch upstairs there. You like the desserts there.”
“…Okay.”
Cha Jeonghan smiled broadly, making it impossible to refuse, and headed to the bathroom saying he’d shower. As Cha Jeonghan said, this was already the third year of visiting the department store each season. At first it was really awkward and unfamiliar, so it was embarrassing to even step outside where Cha Jeonghan was, but now it wasn’t that bad. The shopping method itself was awkward, but I also liked seeing Cha Jeonghan happy, saying everything looked good on me when I came out wearing the styles recommended by the personal shopper. So before going to the department store, I just thought I was going to freely see Cha Jeonghan’s smiling face. Then the excitement came bigger than the awkwardness.
We got ready and left the house a little past 1 o’clock. Cha Jeonghan drove himself to the department store. We went to the VVIP area, handed over the car for parking, and when we entered the VVIP-only elevator, the VVIP manager who had been waiting after receiving advance notice opened the door with a smile.
“Hello, valued customer. It’s been a while since you’ve come.”
“Yes. I forgot but suddenly remembered.”
“You came at a good time. We’ll make sure you can enjoy comfortable shopping today. We received your shopping reservation for 4 o’clock.”
“Yes. I’d like to eat first before that.”
“Shall I escort you to the restaurant you usually go to?”
“Yes.”
“Yes, understood. I’ll escort you so you can dine comfortably first.”
Cha Jeonghan was a long-time VVIP of this department store. He had such a good relationship that he monopolized both the department store and duty-free shop model positions, and the amount he spent was also large, so every time he came to the department store, a dedicated manager for Cha Jeonghan would come out and guide him like this from beginning to end.
At first, receiving such treatment even for me was very awkward and unfamiliar to the point I wanted to avoid it, but after seeing this for several years, I got somewhat used to it and was now adapted enough to be able to walk around receiving guidance.
Following the manager’s guidance, we went straight up to the restaurant at almost the top of the building and were seated. Sitting in a private space where no one could enter except serving staff, when I looked outside, the cityscape came into view at a glance as if I’d climbed an observation deck.
“Honestly, I only knew it was November because you mentioned it. This year was really busy.”
“After the drama ended in summer, there’s been nothing to film like that, so just going from parking lot to parking lot in the van, I honestly don’t know the seasons are changing. There’s no reason to think about what month it is either. As for days of the week, I forgot those long ago.”
Cha Jeonghan took a sip of water and moved his gaze from outside the window to me. The moment our eyes met always made emotions clump together and grow large.
“Do you know why I like bringing you here?”
“Why do you like it?”
“If I come to the department store with you four times, a year passes. Looking at you, I know time is passing. Rather than just suddenly realizing and knowing, I like knowing this way better.”
“……”
“Of course there’s also the fun of watching Ji Yuhyeon come out stiff like a robot from nervousness.”
“Even if you were in my situation, you’d be the same.”
“I cry and laugh in front of dozens, hundreds of people.”
“……”
“You lose.”
“I lose.”
Cha Jeonghan smiled with a playful expression, propped his chin and looked at me again. At that fixed gaze, I both wanted to keep looking and wanted to avoid his eyes and hide. I always felt contradictory emotions when looking at Cha Jeonghan—wanting to get closer and wanting to distance myself, emotions that couldn’t coexist.
“How happy your parents must be, Yuhyeon. That you’re their son.”
“Why are you suddenly saying that?”
“In my whole life, I’ve really never seen anyone like you. Kind, gentle, never causing trouble, good at studying, don’t curse, polite, and on top of that you have a face. If I had a son like you, I’d really raise ten of them.”
“…You just see me too favorably. Even if I don’t curse out loud, I do it all inside, and there are times I want to cause trouble, and times when I’m just pretending to be nice.”
“Really? When?”
As if it was an interesting story, Cha Jeonghan waited for my story with a curious face. Honestly, these were natural things for a person, so I didn’t have a story as interesting as Cha Jeonghan’s expectations.
“Like yesterday when Seo Piljun does that on purpose, you have a hard time so I want to go tell him to stop and cause a scene and flip everything over, and when someone leaves comments cursing you with nonsense, I want to go curse at that person in front of them too. At airports or event venues when people push and grab you, I want to push back hard too, and I want to say something telling them not to, but I pretend to be nice and just manage my expression in case articles come out because of me.”
“The reason is all me.”
The moment I heard Cha Jeonghan’s words, my heart sank. My thoughts stopped and my body froze, unable to move. I’d just casually said what was on my mind, but I didn’t expect him to accept it and summarize it in one sentence like that, so my head went completely white.
“Now that I’ve heard you, I feel embarrassed thinking I did that yesterday for no reason. When Ji Yuhyeon is thinking only of me like this.”
“…Of course. My work is all related to you too… And, we’re constantly together.”
Fortunately, it didn’t seem like I was caught. Even if he died and came back to life, Cha Jeonghan wouldn’t know that I was thinking of him not as a friend but in a different way. He wasn’t the kind of person who could think like that about a man, especially me, his longtime friend, and more than anything, he trusted me. Cha Jeonghan, who wanted me to be the only “good friend” he could rely on and share emotions with for life, couldn’t easily know my heart.
That part of Cha Jeonghan both reassured me and sometimes made me feel a bit empty. I’d never shown signs asking him to notice, I didn’t want him to notice, and Cha Jeonghan didn’t have to love me, but my long solitary love sometimes made me want the other person to notice a little and approach me even without me saying anything. Actually, that wasn’t hoping he’d notice my feelings—it was an emotion coming from the futile wish that the other person was also loving me the same way.
“That’s why I like you.”
“……”
“The people called my parents only thought about themselves and didn’t think about me. The reason was never me. Money, other people, freedom. Afraid I’d cling to them, afraid I’d say let’s live together if our eyes met, both of them wouldn’t even look at me, but you.”
“……”
“The reason is all me. I feel good.”
If others heard it, they’d think it was a difficult thing to say easily between friends. Not just now, but most other things were the same. Those honest expressions of saying he likes me, saying there’s only me, patting my head, touching my cheek—I knew those were things that were hard to exist between ordinary friends. Because I didn’t have such skinship or expressions with anyone other than Cha Jeonghan. But I knew. That Cha Jeonghan could do these things to me because it was friendship.
“……”
It will be like that in the future too. All the reasons for my emotions will be you. I couldn’t say it out loud, but I could be satisfied enough with just the thought. I looked at Cha Jeonghan responding to a knock and let out a long breath at the sound of the door opening.
The one thing that perceptive Cha Jeonghan could absolutely never notice. It was fortunate that it was my love, and also… my small, solitary misfortune.
The shopping proceeded in the same process as before. Going to a place a few floors below the restaurant, the personal shopper came out directly and greeted both Cha Jeonghan and me before guiding us.
Inside, like one store, it was already filled with clothes and shoes matching my size that had been entered. Since these were clothes to wear from late autumn to winter, the space itself was decorated with a warm and cozy feeling, so my gaze kept going here and there.
Cha Jeonghan sat on the sofa drinking the prepared coffee and watched me come out wearing clothes. After asking my opinion first on whether I liked it, Cha Jeonghan nodded at the staff with the meaning he’d buy it. Then the staff standing next to Cha Jeonghan checked the quantity on the tablet PC they were holding and organized the list.
The shopping ended only after I’d changed clothes about ten times. He kept asking if I liked them, but honestly these were clothes I couldn’t help but like. Even if I tried to find and buy them myself, I couldn’t match them to suit me this well—these were clothes chosen with a professional’s eye, so there was nothing for me to add my opinion to.
Cha Jeonghan also seemed to like everything, so he bought all the clothes I’d worn. Until last year, I tried to stop him saying it was too much, but he absolutely wouldn’t listen, and instead he’d buy several watches and shove them at me so I couldn’t say anything in shock, so after that I tried not to provoke Cha Jeonghan, who wanted to do more when told not to.
