“I should call Dongyun hyung. Tell him you dropped out of middle school and went back to elementary school.”
I was relieved it wasn’t that kind of question, but I was also dumbfounded, so I got up from my seat. Then Cha Jeonghan grabbed my wrist and pulled me back. I couldn’t understand why he was waiting for an answer with such a serious face over such a question, but honestly it was kind of cute too.
“Answer before you go. When you ask me, I always say you. It’s not even a difficult answer. What, is it so hard for you right now that you even have to think about…!”
“I like you more.”
Having heard the answer, Cha Jeonghan finally showed the smile that came out when he was in a good mood and let go of my wrist. Then he got up following me and casually put his arm around my shoulder.
“Now let’s eat dinner.”
Seeing Cha Jeonghan cheer up after hearing the answer to such an absurd, childish question was ridiculous, but on the other hand, I was glad that I could still make Cha Jeonghan smile. Seeing him happy after receiving such a trivial and obvious confirmation, he looked just like seventeen-year-old Cha Jeonghan.
I took out the things we’d brought without eating at the filming site and put them on the dining table. I wasn’t very hungry so this seemed like enough for me, but since they came in as snacks, the amount seemed insufficient to replace a meal.
“Are you sure just eating this is okay?”
“Let’s eat this first and if it’s not enough, we’ll make something else later.”
“Got it. First this… Ah!”
“What’s wrong, did you get hurt?”
While opening the plastic container with sandwiches and fruit, I pricked my fingertip on the sharp torn edge. More than pain, Cha Jeonghan grabbed my hand to check with a startled face at the sound that came out from surprise. Seeing the blood slightly beading at my fingertip, Cha Jeonghan looked at me with a deeply worried face. I was at a loss for words at that worry-filled face I suddenly encountered.
“……”
At his face, the same as the day I first fell in love.
* * *
Right after summer vacation started, I got into a traffic accident on my way home from meeting a middle school friend I hadn’t seen since moving. It wasn’t a major accident where anything broke or bled heavily, but it wasn’t minor enough to skip going to the hospital either.
The car owner called an ambulance, and I called my mom. I was supposed to meet Cha Jeonghan in the evening, but I was taken to the emergency room without being able to contact him as I received treatment. My ligament was stretched and there was a slight crack in the bone, so I got a cast and was told I absolutely couldn’t use my arm. On my way home with my mom, I ran into Cha Jeonghan standing in front of my house. Seeing the cast on my arm, Cha Jeonghan turned pale and couldn’t continue speaking.
Even though I told him it wasn’t serious enough to worry that much and that it would be fine if I just kept the cast on properly, Cha Jeonghan didn’t know what to do and looked at me with a face like he was about to cry. I was deeply moved by Cha Jeonghan worrying so sincerely just because his friend got a little hurt.
After that, Cha Jeonghan came to our house every day and did everything for me by my side until I fell asleep. He brought me water, and if I wanted to read a book out of boredom, he would hold that book for me or read it to me. It was also Cha Jeonghan who stopped my parents from taking time off to stay home. He comforted and reassured my mom and dad, telling them not to worry because he would come and do it.
Even though I wasn’t hurt badly enough to receive all that care, Cha Jeonghan wouldn’t let me do anything on my own. It was inconvenient with the cast on my right hand, but I could eat with my left hand—yet he fed me, and held cups to my mouth. He cut fruit into bite-sized pieces and fed me one by one, and put snacks in my mouth. When he said he’d even help me shower, I was horrified and pushed him away. Like that, Cha Jeonghan spent not even a bit of his own time for two weeks, staying only by my side every day.
‘I’m really okay now. The hospital said I’m getting better too. Is it okay for you to just come to our house like this? You’re the only one struggling because of me… You don’t have to come like this anymore. Sleep in and stuff.’
Thanks to Cha Jeonghan coming and spending time with me, I was happy and not bored, but honestly I also felt sorry that I seemed to be taking up all of Cha Jeonghan’s time. To think he was stuck by my side doing this kind of care during vacation when he could rest… It seemed a bit unfair. But when I said he didn’t have to come anymore, Cha Jeonghan looked at me and said seriously:
‘Even when I’m at home, I’m so worried about you I can’t do anything. I only think about you.’
At those eyes filled with serious worry, I couldn’t say anything for a moment. I should have laughed and said there was nothing to worry about that much, but I couldn’t speak and my heart just made a loud sound and dropped with a thud.
‘I should cut your nails.’
Cha Jeonghan, who grabbed my hand and saw the long nails, climbed onto the bed and sat in front of me, unable to say anything, and cut my nails. He would cut a little and ask if it hurt, cut a little more and ask if it hurt, looking at me—and I could only shake my head without saying anything the whole time. Every time Cha Jeonghan moved, every time he looked at me, all those scenes seemed to be engraved in my heart.
‘You have pretty hands, and even pretty nails.’
The sound of nails being cut little by little echoed in the quiet room. Holding my fingers and speaking, Cha Jeonghan made my stomach churn as if I was carsick. I wanted to answer, but like a fool I couldn’t say anything and just stared blankly at the top of his head. Cha Jeonghan held my hand for over 30 minutes, carefully cutting my nails. Then he grabbed my hand and held it up in front of me with a bright smile.
‘Look at this. I did it perfectly, right?’
At that smiling face, as if delivering a finishing blow, my heart dropped with a thud again. Honestly, I didn’t really understand what this feeling was, but it was definitely a different kind of emotion from what I’d felt while looking at Cha Jeonghan until now. My heart raced wildly, and everywhere Cha Jeonghan touched and stayed felt hot like it would burst. It was embarrassing to meet his eyes, and even having our hands touching… somehow made me tremble, making me want to keep pulling my hand away and hiding it.
My parents who came home from work told Cha Jeonghan to eat dinner and sleep over. Cha Jeonghan, who always said he didn’t want to go home, immediately said he would and looked at me. He’d slept over before and had eaten dinner many times, so I just nodded once as my answer.
And that night, I couldn’t sleep at all. Cha Jeonghan’s breathing as he lay on the floor with a blanket spread out, saying he couldn’t take the bed, seemed so close that I couldn’t even breathe properly. When I closed my eyes, his smiling face flickered, and I remembered his words about not being able to do anything because he worried about me. Whenever I recalled him holding my hand and cutting my nails, my fingertips still felt hot as if Cha Jeonghan’s body heat remained.
‘…Why am I like this?’
At the thoughts and Cha Jeonghan’s actual breathing I could hear, my heart started beating fast. I placed my hand over my heart and stayed up all night staring blankly at the dark ceiling at that unusual pounding. The night of falling in love was so long and heart-fluttering.
Even after that, Cha Jeonghan came to our house every day and stayed with me. Saying he’d make something delicious today, Cha Jeonghan came prepared with ingredients and made fried rice, or made tteokbokki when I said I wanted it.
The fried rice Cha Jeonghan made for the first time in his life was too sweet to eat even one bite, and the tteokbokki was so spicy it brought tears to my eyes. Still, I kept eating that tteokbokki, crying streams because it was spicy. Even watching him leave the room carrying the tteokbokki he made, saying not to eat the bad, spicy food and that he’d go buy something delicious, I kept crying. Because my arm was almost healed.
I hated that once my arm healed, we wouldn’t be able to be together like this anymore. I even had the crazy thought that it would have been better if it had been broken so it would hurt longer. Even in that moment of confusion and difficulty, wondering why I was like this, Cha Jeonghan’s kindness kept clashing with my unknowable feelings.
And that small friction eventually ignited. On a day in the summer of seventeen. And today at thirty, 13 years later. Even now I was shaken by Cha Jeonghan’s kindness every day, and ignited. We were no different then and now.
Of course, if you looked at the details one by one, some things had changed. Cha Jeonghan, who was a high school student, became a famous celebrity, and I, who seemed like I’d just go to college, graduate safely, get a job and live ordinarily, still remained by Cha Jeonghan’s side, and those feelings that I said couldn’t be like this for a friend, that would just be temporary and pass—those feelings had been adding heat for 13 years and were shaking at the highest temperature today. But even adding up all those changes, emotionally we were no different.
To me, Cha Jeonghan was love, and to Cha Jeonghan, I was a friend. And cowardly as I was, even today I hid the love that surfaced over my heart to not betray Cha Jeonghan, and Cha Jeonghan, not knowing that hidden love was surfacing, still poured kindness into me under the name of friendship.
“Are you okay? Let’s go to the hospital.”
“…Why would we go to the hospital for this much? I just need to put medicine on it. It’ll be fine tomorrow.”
And you worry about me, and today, 13 years later, I fell in love again at your face worrying about me—so many times I’ve lost count of how many repetitions.
2.
Since it was a rare day to rest well, Cha Jeonghan woke up around lunchtime and came out of his room. I thought he’d wake up later since we watched movies together until dawn before falling asleep, but I was a bit surprised he came out earlier than expected.
“Sleep more.”
“I woke up so I just came out. If I sleep more now, I feel like I’d wake up at dinner time.”
Cha Jeonghan stretched his body fully and did light stretching, then sat on the sofa and leaned back loosely.
“Yuhyeon-ah.”
“Yeah?”
“When was it that you last went shopping for clothes?”
“It was summer. I think it was early August.”
“It’s already been three months. Let’s go to the department store today. You need to buy winter clothes.”
“I have a lot of winter clothes. There are even things I bought last year that I haven’t worn once.”
“Last year is last year and this year is this year. Where’s my phone…”
