“Eat this. It’s the lobster sandwich you like. There’s fruit here too.”
“Later. I’m not in the mood right now.”
“Then there’s fruit juice here too, at least drink this. The lights are strong and you must be tired. You didn’t eat lunch properly either.”
“Fine. What about you? Aren’t you eating? Where’s the sandwich?”
“The manager’s is here too.”
“Eat. You’ve been standing the whole time, you must be tired.”
“I’ll eat later too. I’m not really hungry.”
“Okay then. Eat in the car on the way home. This shit should be over in an hour.”
Cha Jeonghan leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes. He must have been very tired from sitting up straight in front of the lights and cameras, saying the same thing over and over.
“……”
Seeing his face sharp from irritation rather than fatigue made me feel both anxious that he might cause trouble and strangely drawn to his sharpened atmosphere, so my gaze kept going to him. No matter how carefully you carved and sculpted, you couldn’t create a face like this.
Cha Jeonghan’s face had the charm of looking kind when seen kindly, and cold when seen coldly. That’s why no matter what role he took, he overwhelmed and completely captivated his counterpart. Even when he played a kind, heart-fluttering pure romantic in his previous work and then transformed into a cold-blooded person who cared about nothing but work and would do anything for ambition in a film released a few days later, people didn’t feel any disconnect and became immersed, thinking of them as completely different characters. Whenever directors praised him saying Cha Jeonghan’s face could contain various stories, my shoulders would rise with pride.
What other stories would be contained in that face in the future? Even knowing I shouldn’t, I thought I wished I could exist in even a small part of Cha Jeonghan’s story. Even if it wasn’t love, I wanted to stay like this for a long time.
“……”
Under the very good name of friend.
Whether he really got an earful from his manager or came to his senses, Seo Piljun finished filming the last three parts without a single NG. Thinking he could do it like that but had dragged out the time until now made me angry, but there was nothing good about stirring things up unnecessarily, so we quickly wrapped up and left the filming site. Even without us making a fuss, word would spread among the many staff who witnessed Seo Piljun’s pathetic behavior today.
After dropping off the staff who had come from the shop to the filming site, we headed home immersed in an even more silent atmosphere. Knowing that I had to discuss or explain what I’d said earlier when we got home, my lips kept going dry. I didn’t have the skill to gloss over and avoid the situation, so I would speak honestly, but I was most worried that in the process, Cha Jeonghan might get hurt because of me.
“Jeonghan-ah, you worked hard today. Still, seeing you today, it looks like our Cha Jeonghan has entered at least middle school, so hyung feels relieved. Congratulations! Elementary school graduation!”
“If you keep doing that, I might drop out of the middle school I just barely entered.”
“Hey, don’t say scary things so seriously. You really worked hard today, go in and rest. I didn’t schedule anything for tomorrow so you can rest, I’ll come the day after. Yuhyeon-ssi, you worked hard today too. Get plenty of rest.”
Dongyun hyung greeted Cha Jeonghan and me, gave me the paper bag with the snacks we hadn’t eaten, and waved his hand. I quickly left the parking lot with Cha Jeonghan, who was pulling up his mask, and got on the elevator. There was a separate elevator for the penthouse, so at least once we got on here, I felt relieved. Because there was no worry about running into other people.
“You’re hungry, right? Let’s go eat this and rest. Or should I make you something else?”
“That’s fine.”
“…Jeonghan-ah, earlier….”
“We’re almost there, so wait. It’s not that I have nothing to say.”
“……”
As he said, the elevator doors soon opened. I let Cha Jeonghan get off first and followed behind, then went ahead to open the door. Cha Jeonghan gently pushed my waist as if telling me to go in first. The moment his hand touched my waist, I was startled and strength suddenly filled my whole body.
Cha Jeonghan, who came inside, took off his mask and placed it carelessly on the dining table, then took out a bottle of water from the refrigerator and opened the cap. Even in the simple act of opening the cap, you could see he was in a bad mood, so worry and tension rose to the top of my throat. He emptied the entire bottle of cold water in one go, threw away the plastic bottle, and only then looked at me.
“Why are you standing there like you’ve committed a crime?”
“Because I did commit one…. I made you uncomfortable.”
“You really say everything that makes me feel distant.”
“……”
“Come here. Let’s sit.”
Cha Jeonghan passed in front of me and reached out his hand, grabbing my arm and leading me to the living room. I helplessly followed him, moving my feet. Even in the midst of that, the arm Cha Jeonghan held burned hot.
“Sit. Are you going to keep standing?”
Looking at Cha Jeonghan who sat on the sofa first, I sat down at his words, at a spot a bit away. Seeing me sit apart from him, Cha Jeonghan let out a short breath and turned his body toward me. And true to his personality of not knowing how to hide things and hating to keep things inside, he asked me without beating around the bush at all.
“What have you been thinking about lately?”
“Huh?”
“What were you thinking that made you unconsciously say something like that earlier as if talking to yourself? Are you thinking of leaving me and going somewhere?”
“I… Jeonghan-ah. Please listen to what I have to say.”
“Okay. Go ahead.”
“Leaving” didn’t seem like the right word, but lately I’d often thought about the end of Cha Jeonghan and me. And I also prayed and prayed again that there would be no end. My heart was fickle, boiling and bubbling, and my feelings were so confused I couldn’t handle them myself. This wasn’t the first time. Whether Cha Jeonghan and that woman were in that kind of relationship or not, whenever I encountered the woman who came to his house as if she were special, I always felt this way.
“You do everything well now even without me. Before, we went to all the shoots together, wherever you went we went together… but now you do everything well enough without me, so… I said that because I thought you’d be fine without me by next year.”
“Yuhyeon, it’s because you’re always there as a given that I trust and do well. I tell you not to come to difficult schedules because it’s hard on you. Because when I come home you’re there, and even on days off I spend time with you like before, because you—the only person I can trust, lean on, and see comfortably—are there, that’s why I do well outside. Don’t you know that?”
“…I know.”
“Then why are you like this? Honestly, when you’re like that, I get scared. Scared you’ll suddenly say you’re quitting.”
“It’s not like that. It wasn’t serious enough to think that way.”
“Be honest with me. Do you want to quit and do other work? I know too. That you have your own life. That you’ve been struggling for over 10 years after meeting me, I know it all. So I want you to tell me everything honestly. If you really want to live your own life… I’ll think about it too.”
They weren’t bad words, and they were all said thinking of me, from my perspective, but they felt so sharp. I’d never once thought I wanted to do other work, and I’d never thought I wanted to live my own life either. I’d never thought I’d been struggling for over 10 years after meeting Cha Jeonghan. My life was Cha Jeonghan. I’d been very happy and pleased to be with Cha Jeonghan for 13 years. The love that had sprouted on its own was my responsibility, so even if it hurt because of that, I’d never resented this daily life with Cha Jeonghan.
“Jeonghan-ah.”
“……”
“Don’t say that…. I get scared when I hear words like that too. I’ve never thought of it as struggling, and I’ve never thought of my life and working with you now as separate things, but when you say it like that… I don’t know what to do.”
“……”
“I know you’re scared of endings. That’s why you don’t get attached to people and why you don’t like getting into deep relationships. But I’m the same. I’m scared of endings too. If it’s you… even more so. We’ve been together for 13 years, almost the entire time, so why wouldn’t I feel that way?”
“……”
“You’re precious to me too. You’re desperate to me too, and I rely on you too. It’s been 13 years. You’re a part of me. When you get hurt, I get hurt too, and when you’re in pain, I’m in pain too.”
I lied saying “a part” because I couldn’t say “everything.” I couldn’t say that without Cha Jeonghan my heart would collapse, that all the emotions I’d built up alone would crumble and I’d be badly hurt, so I swallowed it inside again and again.
“I’m sorry about what I said earlier. I didn’t say it to make you anxious….”
“……”
I suppressed the things I couldn’t say and spoke as much sincerity as I could within the limits of what I could say, but worried about what to do if his hurt feelings still weren’t resolved, I looked at Cha Jeonghan again and saw the corners of his mouth, which had been staring at me intently, slowly rise up.
“…Why are you smiling?”
“I don’t know. I just feel good when you tell me your true feelings. Well… you say I’m precious and desperate and you even rely on me, so I should let it go.”
“Do I have to say it for you to know? It’s been 13 years between you and me. You said you know everything just by looking at my eyes.”
“I do know, but you’re honestly stingy with expressions. I tell you everything.”
“So you like hearing it from my own mouth?”
“I do. Then while we’re at it, one more thing.”
“What is it?”
I had no idea what he was going to say, so I got a bit nervous. I’d been thoroughly hiding everything, but I waited anxiously for what would come next, worried that Cha Jeonghan might have seen something that leaked out without my knowing.
“Between me and Kim Wonwoo, who do you like more?”
“…Are you seriously asking that right now….”
“Just answer quickly.”
