After the business collapsed and his family scattered, it was the first contact Haeyoung had received from his father in a very long time. The last time he’d seen him was probably that winter when there wasn’t much time left before the college entrance exam. His father, who had come to find him in front of his school, took him to a meat restaurant and grilled the meat, placing it all only in front of himself.
Even when Haeyoung said that he had eaten plenty so Dad should eat some instead, his father told him not to worry about him and just eat, so Haeyoung had no choice but to force-feed the meat into his mouth. Even when his father, who had been silently watching him, said he was sorry for making him suffer, Haeyoung just chewed and swallowed what was in his mouth without saying anything.
Before they parted, his father, standing under the streetlight at the entrance to the apartment complex, pressed a few bills into Haeyoung’s hand. When Haeyoung firmly pushed them away, saying he was fine and that his father should buy himself some new clothes since it was getting cold, and returned to Hajin’s house—
When Haeyoung entered his room to change clothes, he inevitably discovered a crumpled wad of paper stuffed in his pocket.
The moment he saw it, his stomach felt like it had caught fire. The heat surging up from within was painful enough to make him want to vomit it out immediately, but Haeyoung didn’t cry. He simply burrowed into his blanket, closed his eyes, and let out very shallow breaths.
Even when the household collapsed in an instant, even when neither of his parents wanted to take Haeyoung in, even when he hesitated for a long time before contacting Hajin after learning that money was needed even to submit early admission applications, and received more money than necessary from her without a word—
Yoon Haeyoung didn’t cry. It was only the situation that was painful, and as Hajin said, that situation wouldn’t last forever. Though he often felt miserable about things he couldn’t help, Haeyoung tried to think about the future rather than being crushed by each moment. If he lived diligently, the situation would improve, and he would gradually be able to repay the things he was grateful for.
That’s why Haeyoung felt both joy and fear in the face of contact from his father after such a long time. Frozen for a moment in his complicated feelings, he belatedly answered the phone just before the connection cut off.
— Haeyoung…
“Dad?”
Haeyoung called out to the other person with a bright voice, firmly suppressing his anxious heart.
Are you doing well? Where are you right now? Is there anywhere you’re feeling unwell? While Haeyoung endlessly poured out the worries he’d been accumulating, the other end of the receiver was quiet. Belatedly realizing that the other person was too quiet, Haeyoung shut his mouth tight.
Only then did his father clear his throat with a cough and ask:
— So, are you doing well?
Yoon Haeyoung clenched his fist tightly at the question conveyed by that crumbling voice.
“I’m… doing well.”
The voice that came out of his mouth was lower than usual. Haeyoung, who struggled to raise his voice that kept getting choked up, awkwardly lifted the corners of his mouth.
Does he know that I entered university? The words he wanted to ask welled up to the tip of his throat, and somehow his throat felt blocked.
Yoon Haeyoung had received congratulations from his friends, Hajin noona, and the uncle and aunt as soon as he saw his acceptance notice. He was thankful and grateful to see them rejoicing as if it were their own achievement. But Haeyoung had secretly wanted to see his parents happy.
Even though no one answered the calls he made all night long.
— Your mom said that you entered university at the top of your class and even received a scholarship.
At those words, Haeyoung’s head shot up in surprise. What he’d told his grandmother must have reached his mother’s ears as well. Then she could have at least called, or no, even sent a text. Haeyoung nodded, burying away the greed that was sneaking up on him.
“Yes! So right now I’m…”
However, the words he brought out to tell him carefully about his school life couldn’t continue to the end. The urgently conveyed voice cut off Haeyoung’s words before they even started.
— Then… that thing called student loans, you can’t get those?
“…Loans?”
Loans.
An unfamiliar word he’d never even thought about rolled into Haeyoung’s mind.
— I’m bound hand and foot by debt… Haeyoung, there’s nothing Dad can do. If things get resolved even a little, I’d try to do something, but this…
At the words that followed, Haeyoung somehow felt his vision becoming increasingly distant. It wasn’t that he couldn’t hear, but he couldn’t immediately understand what his father was saying.
— I heard student loans and things like that are easy… I’m not trying to burden you, but Dad is…
“……”
— I must have lost my mind for a moment because things are urgent right now. Haeyoung, let’s hang up.
At those words, Haeyoung, who had been standing as if frozen, urgently called out to him.
“Dad!”
However, even after holding him back, Haeyoung couldn’t easily open his mouth. He still didn’t properly understand the situation, and he had no sense of what he should do.
Haeyoung didn’t know what the right answer was in this situation. He didn’t even know why his father’s words came as such a shock. He felt self-loathing toward himself for not being able to readily open his mouth, unlike his father who had taken out all the bills in his pocket and shoved them into his own.
Haeyoung squeezed his eyes shut and opened them, speaking as if letting out a shallow breath.
“I have some money saved up. Not a lot, just a few hundred…”
Haeyoung tapped a calculator in his head, thinking of the money he’d saved from various part-time jobs including tutoring since the college entrance exam ended.
The money he wanted to use to repay what he’d borrowed from Hajin, the money he intended to buy gifts for the uncle and aunt with since they would surely refuse if he gave them cash. The money he’d saved thinking he should go out and have fun here and there like a proper college student while attending school.
It would make him anxious if he didn’t have it, but it wasn’t money he desperately needed to the point of dying if he didn’t have it right away. Haeyoung thought it would be fortunate if he could help his father with it.
***
Aside from the occasional contact from his father, Haeyoung’s college life was enjoyable. Even being holed up in the reading room with his classmates studying all night during exam periods was fun, and he liked being able to go out and have fun more freely than when he was a high school student.
Haeyoung, who originally liked meeting new people, joined a club together with Seonwoo. Seonwoo, who wasn’t even busy, would join him every single time he went to drinking parties or activities.
Cha Seonwoo was rarely separated from Haeyoung, but there were definitely places he couldn’t follow. It was right after Haeyoung had just finished his second year.
“I really feel like my head’s going to split.”
“That’s why, why did you drink so much, Haeyoung-ah.”
“It’s the last time, so they kept pouring it into my mouth, what could I do.”
His scheduled enlistment date had approached right before his eyes.
Cha Seonwoo had come to pick up Haeyoung, who had drunk heavily with his close classmates and gotten drunk. And he brought him to his house as usual, washed him while carrying him, even changed his clothes, and laid him down on the bed.
Haeyoung, lying down while clutching his dizzy head, looked up at Seonwoo who was watching him from beside him. The gaze revealed in the amber lighting seemed ready to swallow him whole, and at that persistent look, his drunkenness quickly faded.
“You know the 500cc glass, hyung. Jeong Minjae filled that thing to the brim with alcohol and told me to drink it.”
“Jeong Minjae…”
“I’m telling you, he’s a total crazy bastard. So after I finished drinking all of that, I completely blacked out. I think I sang a song too… Ah shit, I think the guys filmed that.”
Haeyoung roughly rubbed his face with both hands, saying he’d turn off his phone. Then he peeked his eyes out and looked at Seonwoo.
“Hyuuung… can’t you go one more time instead of me?”
“Should I?”
Haeyoung spat out the question he’d asked about a hundred times so far, and Seonwoo readily nodded his head as he did every time.
“…You say you’ve already been there so fucking easily.”
“Ahahaha.”
When Haeyoung lightly hit Seonwoo’s arm with his fist, a pleasant laugh flowed from Seonwoo’s mouth.
Seonwoo still gently stroked Haeyoung’s cheek with his affectionate eyes. Watching Haeyoung lean into that ticklish feeling with pleasure, Seonwoo also spat out the words he’d said about a hundred times so far once again.
“We should have waited and gone together.”
“That’s why, why did you come back so quickly. You’re so clueless, hyung.”
“That’s why, why did you appear so late, Yoon Haeyoung. I’m dying of regret…”
Cha Seonwoo’s voice as he said that was dripping with regret. The smile on his face quietly faded and as sorrow began to color it, Haeyoung urgently spread both arms.
At the gesture telling him to be quiet and be held, Seonwoo smiled as if he was about to cry and bent down. And he burrowed into Haeyoung’s arms and tightly embraced their touching bodies.
The day they had wished wouldn’t come arrived quickly as if mocking their wishes. It was a winter cold enough for the biting wind to freeze their cheeks solid.
“Ah, really. How can I leave behind such a pretty Cha Seonwoo?”
Haeyoung raised both hands to cup Seonwoo’s cheeks and muttered.
Haeyoung thought that if it weren’t for Seonwoo, he would have gone to and returned from the military quite coolly. It’s not like he was the only one going, and everyone goes anyway, so there’s no need to make a fuss.
And while in the military, he could set aside his worries about his father, his future, and money. So Haeyoung thought that the space where he could be isolated from society and legally confined would actually lighten his heart.
The only problem was that his lover was Cha Seonwoo. So pretty he could die, to the point where people would turn around when walking down the street and others would approach him at every opportunity.
Because of that, Seonwoo grabbed onto the extremely agitated Haeyoung and made an expression like he was about to shed tears at any moment.
Until now he’d been teasing Haeyoung quite well, but when the actual day came, Cha Seonwoo didn’t even smile, let alone joke around. Haeyoung had to comfort Seonwoo instead.
“Haeyoung-ah, even when we’re apart, you have to think only of me…”
“Who’s the one to talk right now, wait a minute, hyung are you crying? Why are you crying?”
I’m going crazy. Haeyoung removed the hands that had been holding his cheeks with a flustered face. There was undeniable moisture on his hands.
