Haeyoung’s body slightly stiffened at the pleasant scent tickling his nose, as if Seonwoo had just washed up. However, he replied nonchalantly without erasing the smile hanging on his lips. Yeah, I’m back. At the voice whose end was slightly locked in, he flinched on his own and subtly raised his gaze to look at Seonwoo.
Cha Seonwoo still wore a gentle expression. Just as Haeyoung was about to feel more at ease with that atmosphere, he quickly turned his head at the voice he heard.
“This is hyung’s.”
……Fuck.
Haeyoung, who tightly swallowed the profanity that almost burst out and closed his mouth, watched Minho with a slightly flustered face. He, who had been picking up and eating a fig scone with jam on it, blinked with a thoughtless face when their eyes met. At that innocent expression, Seonwoo asked Haeyoung, who was at a loss for words, with a face that seemed to be holding back laughter.
“Did you pick this?”
Why was he asking him back instead of Minho after checking the bread Minho had pointed to? At the expression that seemed certain he’d chosen it thinking of him, for some reason the desire to refute raised its head, but there was no way he could deny it. It was true that he’d chosen it while unconsciously pondering what he would like.
Unable to lie, yet unable to easily affirm either, Cha Seonwoo smiled shallowly as if knowing he couldn’t open his mouth. Even without saying anything, from the corners of his eyes curving silently, Haeyoung realized he had seen through him. Seonwoo reached out his hand and lightly ruffled through his hair as if tousling it, then sat in the chair next to him.
“……”
Hyung, over here. Minho’s following voice and the murmuring voices of other contestants could be heard, but somehow they felt distant. Haeyoung, with a somewhat stiff face, pretended to be unbothered and raised his hand to lightly brush through the hair Seonwoo had ruffled.
It was in front of other people, and although it wouldn’t be immediately visible, there were definitely cameras. In this situation, he couldn’t show any particular reaction just because Seonwoo had touched his hair. He pretended to have an indifferent expression while fiddling with the ends of his bangs, but in fact, Haeyoung couldn’t be certain he was making an unconcerned face.
‘Ah fuck… I feel like my heart’s going to burst.’
In the end, saying he’d wash up, he turned around and headed to the room, going straight to the dressing room. Without even taking off his outerwear, Haeyoung stood in front of the mirror placed on the vanity on his way to the bathroom and stared at his face as if to bore a hole through it.
The face of the man in the mirror, who had been making an expressionless face to the point where it was impossible to know what he was thinking, gradually became subtle. Looking at his face that was slowly starting to turn red, Haeyoung grabbed the vanity and slumped down as if melting. Thunk. From his forehead that hit the smooth wooden dresser as if bumping into it, coldness was felt first rather than pain.
“…I’m going crazy.”
Through the gap in his chewed lips, a voice messed up from suppressed emotions leaked out.
Perhaps he’d been unable to win from the start. Cha Seonwoo would often bring up words like come back to him or that he’d try harder, but in reality, he didn’t even need things like effort. The one who needed to make an effort was rather himself. Because even if he vowed all night not to have lingering feelings, not to act pathetically while looking back at the heart he couldn’t throw away, he would invariably become powerless in front of him.
‘I know. You still like me.’
The words he’d said on the first day he entered this place came back to life in his head.
In the scene that repeated like a broken tape, he still couldn’t say he didn’t like him, even as a lie. Haeyoung didn’t want to know whether not being able to push him away like that was truly for him, or whether it was merely his own greed.
The mouth that had been pathetically closed opened slightly and soon a deep sigh burst out. Ah, I like you so much. Hyung, Seonwoo hyung, Cha Seonwoo… I still like you so much that it’s miserable. The feelings he couldn’t say in the end mixed with his breath and scattered in pieces in the air.
***
It seemed he’d already gotten used to the daily life of waking up in a new house and being with Seonwoo, whom he’d thought he’d never see again. Haeyoung, who had woken up in the morning and was sitting on the bedside rubbing his eyes, naturally turned his gaze toward the other bed. Then, staring blankly at the empty bed, he soon got up with a troubled face.
The surroundings were too quiet until he finished all his preparations for work and came down the stairs. In the desolate house where it seemed like he was the only one awake, even a cold air seemed to linger. Haeyoung, who had come down to the first floor, confirmed he could feel a presence in the dining room and quickly moved his steps.
“Oh, Jaehwi hyung?”
“Hi, Haeyoung.”
However, only Jaehwi was there. He, who had been sitting at the table eating milk and toast, discovered him entering the dining room and welcomed him with a short greeting. Even though he knew there was no one except Jaehwi, Haeyoung looked around the kitchen for no reason and flinched at the voice he heard.
“Seonwoo-ssi seems to have left early in the morning.”
Jaehwi, who casually brought it up as if knowing who he was looking for, lifted his glass and drank milk. Even though it couldn’t be, Haeyoung, who had been frozen for a moment at the feeling of being caught at something, laughed helplessly and shook his head. Then he walked to the kitchen.
For some reason, he didn’t feel like making rice. Instead of preparing rice, Haeyoung picked up the bread bag Jaehwi had taken out. He took out two slices of bread from the rustling plastic and neatly put them into the frying pan with melted butter. And while waiting for the bread to toast, Jaehwi spoke to Haeyoung, who was standing leaning against the built-in cabinet in the kitchen in a daze.
“It’s a shame Seonwoo-ssi left first.”
“Huh?”
“It’s convenient when Seonwoo-ssi gives us a ride in the morning.”
“…Ah.”
Was that what he meant?
Haeyoung, who had straightened his body in surprise at the name that popped out of nowhere, released his stiffened expression as if deflated. Anyway, Jaehwi hyung would bring up off-kilter remarks from strange angles and startle people. Swallowing a shallow sigh, he soon smiled cheekily and threw out a joke.
“Were only we comfortable while Seonwoo hyung was annoyed?”
It was light teasing, but Jaehwi blinked as if he didn’t catch on.
“That can’t be. He was the one who first said he’d give me a ride, right?”
“……”
“He first asked me to go together. He said to ask if there were other people whose commute overlapped and go together.”
At the words that flowed out without hesitation, Haeyoung couldn’t easily find words to respond and, like he had done, slowly blinked his eyes. It was a moment as if time had stopped. Even the white fluffy sleet that occasionally fell beyond the glass window was motionless as if frozen in the air.
Only when his lumped breath caught on his ribs did Haeyoung realize that what had stopped wasn’t the world but himself. He exhaled the clumped breath and silently regulated his breathing. The method of regulating irregular breathing was now familiar. Since breaking up with Seonwoo, moments when breathing became difficult would come without warning.
He came to his senses from being blankly spaced out after Jaehwi slowly uttered a word.
“…It smells burnt.”
At those words, Haeyoung hurriedly turned around and pressed the power button of the induction cooker he’d had on low. Even though it had been on low heat, perhaps because he’d been frozen for a while, the bread he turned over was charred black and in a state completely inedible.
He felt like everything had become a mess just from burning a single piece of bread. …Pull yourself together, Yoon Haeyoung. To shake off the gloom, Haeyoung shook his head and grinned at Jaehwi while showing him the burnt part of the bread.
“Hyung, look at this. I made coal.”
“That’s right, you’re an alchemist…”
He, who seemed to answer roughly while nodding, erased his dazed look and tilted his head while muttering. Oh, a story about changing jobs from chef to alchemist seems kind of interesting.
Suddenly stopping mid-speech, leaving behind Jaehwi who had fallen into his own world, Haeyoung threw the completely burnt bread into the trash without hesitation. It should be fine to skip breakfast and go to work for one day. Somehow he didn’t have an appetite, so he finally left the house on an empty stomach.
The problem was that until he got off work, the feeling that something was wrong continued to weigh down his shoulders. And Haeyoung was not unaware that this inexplicable anxiety was an extension of the emptiness he felt on the morning commute.
Since it was now entering the second week since they started living together, meeting Seonwoo again and commuting together was also only about that much. Yet it seemed he’d already gotten used to it in the meantime.
‘Now it’s stranger without hyung…’
Feeling awkward about that fact, Haeyoung fiddled with the corners of his mouth for no reason while walking toward home. It was because not much time had passed since the day he thought he could live without Seonwoo. It was proof that even the heart he’d barely pulled together, thinking it was uncomfortable to live with him, was wavering again.
With overflowing evidence, Haeyoung could tell without waiting how the verdict on his heart would turn out. Overturning a conclusion that had already been reached long ago was unlikely. Then? Then what should he do?
Haeyoung, who had arrived home with an unsettled heart, took a deep breath while holding the doorknob. Only after erasing the troubled look drawn on his face did he open the door and enter. Haeyoung, who had crossed the hallway and stepped on the stairs, came up to the second floor and headed to his room without giving any attention to other places.
Click, the inside of the door that opened with the sound of the doorknob turning was dark.
“Huh…”
A voice mixed with bewilderment flowed from Haeyoung’s mouth at the unexpected scene. It seemed he’d left early saying he had work, and it appeared he was getting off work late too. Haeyoung, who had pressed the switch next to the door to turn on the room’s lights, entered the chilly room.
After putting down his bag, entering the dressing room, changing clothes, and coming out, he looked around the empty room for a moment. The reason the void felt excessively large was probably because there were two beds in the room. Although there was only one person who hadn’t returned.
Haeyoung, who had turned his back on the empty space, left the room and headed to the common area. There was invariably at least one person there, and today too several people had gathered. He greeted those who discovered him and welcomed him with a slight smile, then soon sat next to Minho.
“You’re here? You got off work early today?”
“Yeah, I didn’t have anything to do. Seonwoo hyung hasn’t come in yet, right?”
Haeyoung asked Minho back as he spoke to him and took the cushion he was holding. Unprepared, Minho, who had the cushion he was holding stolen just like that, looked at Haeyoung with a devastated expression. Seeing Minho, who stared blankly at him and then soon frowned, Yoon Haeyoung couldn’t hold back his laughter and let it out giggling.
“Probably… but wait, there’s a cushion behind you, why’d you take mine?”
“I like yours.”
“Can I sue for this too?”
“Probably difficult, right?”
Haeyoung replied cheerfully with a giggling face. Hearing the answer full of mischief, Minho made a tearful face as if finding him annoying, but no one acknowledged the victim’s grievance.
Meanwhile, Soyoon opened her mouth with a short sigh.
“Ah, I think Seonwoo oppa said he was going on a business trip today. He probably won’t come in today?”
There were two people who flinched at her appearance speaking with furrowed eyebrows as if carefully retracing her memory.
