Perhaps Seonwoo had come out without turning off the light he had turned on before leaving, as the room was brighter than when he first entered. It even seemed like warmth had seeped in from people coming and going in the meantime.
The sound of the door closing was heard behind Haeyoung, who had entered the room. The presence felt right behind him was also vivid.
“Haeyoung-ah.”
A gentle voice, no different from usual, called out to Haeyoung. Without turning around, Haeyoung answered in an unbothered voice.
“Yeah.”
“Yoon Haeyoung.”
The voice that came as if knowing he wouldn’t turn around was calm. However, Cha Seonwoo seemed determined to see Haeyoung’s face today even while knowing this. After being silent for a moment, he spoke quietly in a somewhat choked voice.
“If you avoid me like that, I think I’ll be sad.”
Ah, words like this are cheating. He couldn’t understand why the word “sad” spoken in a voice that wasn’t pitiful at all came across so poignantly. Yoon Haeyoung had no immunity to Cha Seonwoo’s sadness from the start, so there was nothing to be done.
Haeyoung, whose shoulders flinched, immediately turned his body. As soon as he looked back, Seonwoo, who was looking at him, entered his view and stuck there. This time, as if he knew for certain he would turn around, he, leaning against the closed door, smiled slightly with his eyes. At his face smiling gently, for some reason a rebuttal came out first.
“I wasn’t avoiding you.”
Having unconsciously blurted out an obvious lie, Haeyoung rolled his eyes and glanced up at Seonwoo. Sorry. At the apology blurted out in less than a minute, Cha Seonwoo’s eyes helplessly softened.
He removed the microphone from inside his clothes and placed it on the long dresser right in front of him. It was a quiet gesture without even the sound of rustling. While watching Seonwoo like that, Haeyoung was also hurriedly removing his microphone.
“You don’t have to be sorry to me about anything.”
“……”
“I said I’d be careful. I won’t do things you’d dislike.”
The words flowing out gently as if coaxing a young child rather made Haeyoung freeze. That wasn’t it. That wasn’t it.
“Hyung.”
I only have things to be sorry to you about. It’s full of things I should apologize for. No matter how much I think about it, there’s nothing you need to be careful about. In the end, it’s my problem and my fault… Why are you reading the room and accommodating my feelings?
What am I to you?
The words he couldn’t bring himself to spit out after calling him kept clumping up inside. His stomach, which hadn’t been good all day, seemed to twist again. Haeyoung, who quickly shook off the mood that was about to become melancholy, firmly raised his head.
“You know what I was trying to say earlier, right?”
At that question, Seonwoo, who had closed his mouth for a moment, slowly nodded. There was no room to show a bitter air on his face.
The straightforward attitude of bringing up the main point immediately without changing the subject was like Yoon Haeyoung. So Seonwoo could only smile briefly looking at Haeyoung, who looked up at him with an upright gaze as before.
“You want to get along as if nothing happened. Just like we were close seniors and juniors, as you said in front of people.”
Even though he heard the correct answer, the inside of his chest stung. However, since that was exactly what Haeyoung wanted, there was only one answer he could give. Haeyoung nodded clearly though small.
However, at that nod, Seonwoo lowered his eyes as if deliberately aggrieved.
“I didn’t do anything particularly suspicious.”
Haeyoung, who had almost nodded in agreement, hesitated and looked at him. However, Cha Seonwoo was still just looking at him with a forlorn face as if asking what was wrong with his words.
Of course, it was also true that he was overreacting to his actions. But after breaking up with a lover he had dated for a long time and then living in the same house, wouldn’t it be strange not to be sensitive? While defending himself in his head, Haeyoung soon raised his head and rebutted.
“You keep looking only at me, hyung.”
His gaze had never left him even once. Not for a single moment. Haeyoung didn’t think he was the only one who would notice this. He had seen people giving Seonwoo fond looks, and their gazes would go to where the person they liked was looking.
“I can’t even look? Between us.”
However, Cha Seonwoo spoke as if it wasn’t something wrong. His voice and gaze, leaving subtle room, stuck intensely to Haeyoung. As if it were a perfectly natural thing that wasn’t strange at all.
Haeyoung swallowed his dissatisfaction and calmly asked back.
“…What relationship are we? Hyung, it’s different from before now.”
“Got it, then we’re in a relationship where I’m unilaterally clinging to you.”
Seonwoo simply caught the words spoken to cut off lingering attachment. He straightened his body that had been leaning against the door and soon began to slowly move his steps. Looking at him approaching one step at a time toward him, Haeyoung unconsciously stepped backward.
Rather than the primal fear of prey running from a predator, it was closer to a defense mechanism of rowing hard to avoid the siren faced on the sea. It’s not that he was scared, but Cha Seonwoo somehow seemed to be using a honey trap. He had spent quite a long time together to pretend not to know the intention behind the smile he wore.
While avoiding Cha Seonwoo who was approaching with a faint eye smile, he had reached the door leading to the dressing room before he knew it. Feeling the wall touching his back, Haeyoung looked up at Seonwoo before his eyes with a defeated face.
“I said I wouldn’t be greedy anymore. This is just me clinging to you, Haeyoung-ah.”
“……”
“You can give me a chance to cling to you. You don’t like this either?”
At those words, Haeyoung, who flinched, averted his gaze that had been looking at Seonwoo. When breaking up with him, Haeyoung had to throw away many things. He first changed his phone and phone number, moved out of his house, and hid away all the memories they made together and Seonwoo’s remaining traces. The only thing he hadn’t thrown away until now was his lingering attachment.
That lingering attachment he couldn’t throw away then appeared and kept giving him glances, bringing up the memories he had tried hard to cover. Just as the only choice given to Yoon Haeyoung was not to be with him, it was as if for Cha Seonwoo, there was no choice not to be with him.
“You can pretend not to know. You can smile with other people. You can eat, and you can date.”
Seonwoo spoke readily as if telling him to do it if he wanted. At the voice speaking while pressing down and hiding his upset, Haeyoung rather became upset.
To pretend not to know Cha Seonwoo? Yoon Haeyoung knew that was impossible. If it were before, he would have grabbed his cheeks right away and firmly scolded him not to talk nonsense. His fingertips kept shrinking, wanting to bring out the words contained inside right away.
“But…”
Seonwoo’s voice fanned Haeyoung’s impatience.
“Haeyoung-ah.”
“…Yeah.”
“Dating is not allowed.”
He let out a voice that couldn’t hide his anxiety. It even seemed like moisture had formed slightly in his crinkled eyes as if just thinking about it upset him.
He wanted to ask why hyung would have a reason to be anxious, but Haeyoung bit his lip. He felt like he was dying to say in words that he was the same, that it had to be hyung and no one else. But he knew he shouldn’t do that anymore.
When the relationship changed, Haeyoung thought he had thrown away many things. However, he realized that he actually couldn’t let go of the most precious things.
Even among precious things, Cha Seonwoo was the most important to Haeyoung.
From now on, he would have to naturally watch the contacts coming to Seonwoo. Even when he gave the heart he used to give to him to others, Haeyoung still couldn’t be certain whether he could naturally accept it. Whether he could be okay watching the gaze that had been directed only at him turn to someone else.
He probably wouldn’t be able to accept it as if nothing happened. However, that was his portion to bear and the price he had to pay.
The debt for receiving things he couldn’t return that much. That debt redefined the relationship, and Haeyoung had to let go of the changed relationship. However, Yoon Haeyoung hadn’t been in despair until now.
Because he was finding and doing the things he could do going forward, as he always had.
“Hyung, I…”
As Haeyoung put strength in his hand, the microphone rolled deeply into his palm.
“Like I said yesterday, I didn’t come here to date. Even after filming ends, I probably won’t be meeting anyone else.”
This time, a coaxing voice flowed gently from his mouth. Yoon Haeyoung knew how to speak quite persuasively, and hoped his sincerity would reach him this time too.
Don’t cling to me. Though he knew he should cut it off with such words without giving room, Haeyoung couldn’t say it.
“So hyung, don’t worry about things like that.”
As soon as the words ended, the moisture that had been hanging on the tip of Cha Seonwoo’s eyelashes finally fell down his white cheek with a plop. Shit. Haeyoung, swallowing curses inwardly, pulled out a bunch of tissues from on top of the dresser and held them out to him.
Seonwoo, who had been staring at the tissue Haeyoung held out before accepting it, buried his face in his hands. Haeyoung, who couldn’t comfort him, only soothed his own noisy insides.
While standing silently waiting for him, Seonwoo soon raised his head with a slightly calmed face. Looking at him extending his arm saying he understood, Haeyoung unconsciously stuck out his lips. The familiar-shaped hand was held out sideways as if asking for a handshake.
“Is there a reason you need to go this far?”
“It means let’s hold hands. That’s all.”
As if it was purely meant to cooperate, he tilted his head with a dejected face. At the same time, Seonwoo’s hand held in the air lightly wavered.
After staring at that hand as if glaring at it for a moment, Haeyoung finally placed his hand on top of the dresser where Seonwoo’s microphone was placed. Thud, the sound of palm and wooden board meeting rang out dully. Haeyoung, who had put down the microphone he was holding, grasped Seonwoo’s hand as if there was nothing to be wary of.
And the moment their hands touched, Seonwoo naturally spread his fingers and interlocked them tightly.
“Ah, seriously…!”
“That’s all” my ass. Looking at Seonwoo who relaxed his tension like this and then interlocked their fingers, Haeyoung frowned.
A pitiful face won’t work. Where are you acting? Haeyoung, who had removed Seonwoo’s hand, made a fist and mercilessly struck Seonwoo’s shoulder with a thud. Then he pushed him away and turned his body toward the bed.
He wouldn’t be able to fall asleep easily, but he had to sleep. Because he had to go to work tomorrow too. Yoon Haeyoung buried his face in the pillow, thinking he wished tomorrow’s sun wouldn’t rise.
And because of the clamorous sound ringing in his ears all night, Haeyoung had to toss and turn for quite a while.
