The voice came from right behind him. He had thought Seonwoo was taking his time preparing, but wondered when he had already approached his back. However, Haeyoung shook his head with a lukewarm smile.
“It’s okay. I can take the bus from right up ahead.”
“It’s on my way anyway. You’d be more comfortable riding in the car, Haeyoung-ssi.”
Looking at Seonwoo, who didn’t even pretend to hear his refusal, Haeyoung’s eyes widened considerably. Can this hyung not hear what I’m saying? He looked up with such feelings, but Seonwoo only smiled brightly at Haeyoung who was staring at him.
“Is it not okay?”
The sweetly flowing voice tickled his already uncomfortable throat. Words he shouldn’t say that betrayed his reason had risen to the tip of his throat. After a brief standoff, Haeyoung frowned and swallowed a short sigh.
It absolutely wasn’t that he was giving in to Cha Seonwoo. It wasn’t that—it was just that continuing to refuse would also look strange. Cha Seonwoo didn’t seem like he would back down easily, and the camera was still rolling, so in reality, there was practically no choice.
Yoon Haeyoung nodded with a resigned face as if he didn’t care anymore.
“Fine then…”
“Thank you.”
When Haeyoung reluctantly accepted the proposal, Seonwoo’s face brightened even more. There wasn’t even a hint of hesitation in eagerly accepting and latching onto such an insignificant answer with thanks. Seeing his noticeably brightened expression, Yoon Haeyoung ended up thinking it was somewhat fortunate that he hadn’t refused.
Following Seonwoo down to the underground parking lot, Haeyoung naturally climbed into the passenger seat. While waiting for Seonwoo to start the engine with his seatbelt fastened, he discovered a camera installed in the car.
‘What place doesn’t have a camera…’
The not-so-small size bothered him, but more than anything, because it was fixed in such a conspicuous spot, he couldn’t completely ignore it. Still, Haeyoung focused ahead to avoid looking in that direction as much as possible.
“Where should we go?”
Seonwoo, who had exited the parking lot and moved his hand from the gear to the steering wheel, asked.
“Just drop me off at the nearest station.”
“The subway will be crowded at this hour.”
What’s he saying. At Seonwoo’s appearance, dragging out his words while looking at him with earnest eyes, Haeyoung let out an empty laugh. It was absurd that Cha Seonwoo, who probably had never even experienced hell-train rush hour, would say such a thing.
Even though he must have clearly noticed what he was thinking, he only smiled brightly as if he knew nothing.
“I have plenty of time, so you don’t need to feel burdened.”
“Feel burdened…”
How could I not feel burdened? Just as Haeyoung was about to protest immediately at the nonsensical words, he became conscious of the camera and closed his mouth.
Ah, seriously. This was what he had feared. This was an emotion closer to fear beyond likes and dislikes.
Because he had no confidence that he wouldn’t be swayed by Seonwoo’s words, nor confidence to nonchalantly act like close seniors and juniors as if nothing had happened. He couldn’t treat the past as if it had never happened, and because he didn’t want to either, Haeyoung could only flounder. And situations where he couldn’t see an answer on what to do were always frightening.
It wasn’t simply that he was weak to Cha Seonwoo. Yoon Haeyoung knew himself—that he wanted to keep becoming weak in front of Seonwoo. That he hadn’t completely shaken off the selfish lingering attachment of wanting to shamelessly stay by his side, pretending not to know. That’s why he acted so ambiguously like this, unable to completely push him away. Even while knowing he shouldn’t.
“Please go toward Jongno.”
Hiding his mood that was about to become melancholy, Haeyoung answered indifferently. As soon as his words ended, Seonwoo, who had stiffened while hesitating at his appearance of staring out the window, slowly started the car.
The car that left the unfamiliar neighborhood climbed onto a familiar road. While receiving several traffic signals and rushing toward their destination, Haeyoung kept his gaze fixed only outside the window the entire time. If he carelessly looked at Seonwoo, he would surely fall into a muddy swamp of pointless emotions and flounder. Since it was something he had already experienced to a sickening degree, Haeyoung skillfully aired out his mind by organizing the work he needed to do when he got to the office.
Haeyoung, who had been blankly taking in the passing scenery like that, suddenly turned his head.
“Ah. Hyung, turn right here…”
Fuck…
Haeyoung’s eyes, having raised his hand to cover his mouth, wavered. The one most surprised by the speech habit that popped out at an unexpected moment was Yoon Haeyoung himself. With a flustered face, he glanced at the camera, then lowered his hand while trying hard to pretend to be calm.
He had already made stupid mistakes several times. Rather than becoming deeply frustrated over something irreversible, Yoon Haeyoung actively sought a way out. Anyway, since Hajin would be in charge of editing, she would gladly delete a few mistakes. Though she wouldn’t let it slide gracefully.
“…Turn right.”
At his words spoken with an unbothered face, a light response came from beside him.
“Yes, turn right.”
Though he seemed to be holding it in, the gentle voice couldn’t hide the laughter buried within. Even without looking, at the voice that made it obvious what expression he must be making, Haeyoung chewed and swallowed a curse word inwardly.
Whenever his previous speech habits popped out, the line he had tried hard to draw seemed to blur, which was troublesome, but Cha Seonwoo seemed merely pleased by it. At Seonwoo’s fingers tapping the steering wheel as if enjoying himself, Haeyoung stuck out his lips crookedly. It was a bit upsetting that the more he tried to be careful, the more mistakes he made.
It was only after reaching their destination that he could escape the suffocatingly uncomfortable space. Haeyoung gestured toward the building where the law firm was, and the car stopped smoothly by the roadside.
Finally. Haeyoung’s heart began to beat roughly with inexplicable excitement. As soon as he heard the sound of the car door unlocking, he unfastened his seatbelt and bowed his head without even looking at Seonwoo.
“Thank you for driving me.”
It was a phrase he had carefully chosen the entire way.
Having brought out the greeting he had prepared as if waiting for this, Haeyoung opened the car door and escaped outside. As soon as he stepped onto the sidewalk, the winter air, cold enough to pierce his lungs, rushed in, but Haeyoung rather felt like he could breathe from that coolness.
However, the sound of the car door opening again reached the ears of him who had escaped the car as if fleeing and was steadying his breath. It was obvious who was following him out even without looking. There had only been one person remaining in the car to begin with.
“Haeyoung-ah.”
Yoon Haeyoung reflexively started to respond and turn his head at the voice calling him, then hesitated. Immediately reacting to his voice was a kind of damn habit not permitted to him now.
Instead of the gesture he shouldn’t do anymore, Haeyoung stood frozen and quietly listened to the footsteps coming from behind. The continuing footsteps stopped only when Seonwoo, who had come around the front of the car, reached Haeyoung.
“It’s okay, the car following us won’t be able to record audio.”
He must know that the reason he had stiffly frozen at his call wasn’t only because of concern about filming. Even knowing this, Seonwoo brought up such words to reassure Haeyoung.
Though he hadn’t known there was a car following them, Haeyoung inadvertently nodded at his words. Seonwoo wore a bitter smile looking at Haeyoung standing in an awkward posture as if not knowing where to place his gaze.
Cha Seonwoo remembered when Haeyoung, who had always looked straight up at him, started avoiding his gaze. It was an unforgettable moment to begin with. Seonwoo, having forcibly driven away the last memory that tried to rise up on its own even when he didn’t want to remember it, carefully raised his hand. His long, slender fingers, unusually pale perhaps from the December winter wind seeping in, touched Haeyoung’s chest.
Cha Seonwoo had to suppress the entire time the countless emotions that had rushed in from the moment he saw Haeyoung this morning—from the moment he saw him wearing an unfamiliar suit as if going to work. Without revealing even a bit of the emotions still turbulently swirling, he carefully adjusted the end of Haeyoung’s necktie.
“Your necktie. This part should come out like this.”
“…I’ll do it myself.”
Even at Haeyoung’s words pushing him away while moving his tightly closed lips, Seonwoo concentrated on retying his necktie.
“Just let me do it this once.”
He showed no signs of backing down. But at the same time, the voice filled with earnestness contained no greed beyond that. Haeyoung’s shoulders flinched, feeling a strange sense of discord.
“Done. You’re already going to work dressed so smartly. You’ve grown up, Yoon Haeyoung.”
He spoke gently while finally neatening Haeyoung’s collar as well. Only then did his hand fall away very slowly. At that needlessly caring touch, at the voice that blamed him for nothing, Yoon Haeyoung slowly closed his eyes and opened them.
His sunken lips from suppressing emotions that seemed ready to pour out, his calm but trembling voice at the end, yet the undisguised affection in his gaze that was entirely focused only on him… Haeyoung felt like he knew what things Cha Seonwoo was holding back. The weight of the emotions fully shown by him standing before the line he had drawn crashed over Haeyoung like a tidal wave.
At that moment, the memories that came to mind were vivid, not faded in the slightest.
Cha Seonwoo, who had asked him to definitely wear the clothes he gifted on his first day at work; Cha Seonwoo, who had wanted to tie his necktie himself; Cha Seonwoo, who had said he would definitely drive him on his commute; Cha Seonwoo, who had wanted to tell him to have a good day. To him who had spoken of such trivial things as if dreaming a grand dream, Haeyoung had giggled and told him to do as he pleased. No one had forgotten that past promise.
Only now did Haeyoung realize the reason he had been stubborn since this morning. Those were things it would have been better not to notice. The clumsily recreated scene done belatedly only turned his insides upside down into a mess.
Even without deliberately bringing out their hearts, the two knew each other was feeling the same emotions.
“I wanted to drive you. I’m sorry for being greedy, Haeyoung-ah.”
Cha Seonwoo stepped back one step as if he wouldn’t be greedy anymore. To Haeyoung, that distance of merely one step felt like a massive wall that could never be crossed again. However, since it was a line he had drawn himself, he had no right to feel sad about it now.
The white breath rising from his lips quickly scattered in the chilly air. But his vision still remained hazy as if filled with smoke.
“Have a good day.”
A voice so gentle it brought tears settled by his ear. Haeyoung barely nodded, unable to bring himself to raise his face. His choked voice clumsily tumbled out past his lips.
“…Thank you.”
He didn’t say “I’ll be back.” Because he felt like he wouldn’t be able to endure the desire to really return to Seonwoo if he did.
Seonwoo stepped aside as if he would watch him go in first. At his appearance clearing the path while seeing him off, Haeyoung cut off his hesitation and began to walk silently. Because a pathetic desire to keep looking back arose, he had to quicken his pace even more. The cold wind painfully brushed past his face, but there was no time to hurt from that.
The scenery of the busy morning commute with the sun just rising, the clamorous noise coming from the road, the bare branches of the winter trees set up in front of the building, and… Cha Seonwoo, who must still be watching him from behind. Everything was exactly like the commute he had once imagined, yet everything was different from what he had expected. Though only one thing had changed.
Yoon Haeyoung hurt only from that fact. It was an unavoidable pain.
