Even while finishing homeroom and packing his bag, Kkotmoa stubbornly didn’t look in my direction. If we went to his house together in this state, I felt like I’d get angry without realizing it. I deliberately packed my bag slowly. Kkotmoa stood still with his bag on his shoulder, just looking at the floor. It meant he was waiting for me.
“I can’t go with you today.”
“…Why?”
Only now does he look at me. I was flustered because I’d never seen Kkotmoa like this before. So I couldn’t understand why he had hurt eyes.
“I have… something to do at home.”
“Ah…, okay.”
I’d never seen such a deflated Kkotmoa either. The flower that was always bright and fresh was withering like the flowers that had piled up by my room window and been thrown away. It was as if I’d done something wrong. I wanted to grab his shoulders, push him against the wall, and ask why he was like this. I wanted to ask him to reject that kind of confession because I liked him. I wanted to beg him to look at me too because I could treat him better.
“Then I’ll go first.”
With drooping shoulders, Kkotmoa escaped the classroom with quick steps without looking back, as if fleeing. The flower he’d received was still placed on the windowsill. I hoped it would completely wither over the weekend and be dead when we came to school on Monday. I hoped not only the flower would die, but also the heart of that girl Ha Yunjin or whatever her name was.
* * *
I thought I’d go crazy all night tossing and turning, wondering what answer Kkotmoa gave, but when the sun rose again, I just wanted to see him. The feeling of liking someone played with a person by the minute. Upset, then longing, then agonizing, then thinking it would be good just to see him smile, then tormented just by thinking, and soon concluding with wanting to see him.
I woke up at 7 a.m. and bustled around Mom. Watching Mom packing side dishes in the kitchen, I imagined what expression Kkotmoa would make when he received this. Even when told to leave because I was being noisy, I didn’t care and did things I wouldn’t do if I were sane, like massaging Mom’s shoulders for no reason, increasing the amount of side dishes being packed. When I left the house, I looked like a daughter going to her in-laws’ house loaded with food from her parents’ home during the holidays.
I also learned that the person who likes more is bound to lose. What can I do when I want to see you, what can I do when I want to see you smile even though you received a confession from someone else and I don’t know what answer you gave. The person who likes more has no choice but to bow their head and go in.
Thanks to Mom who even packed different types of kimchi in large containers, I couldn’t use public transportation. Mom said to go in the driver’s car, but I didn’t want Kkotmoa’s house to be discovered. If I put my mind to it, either Father or Mom could find out in less than 10 minutes, but worried my feelings might be discovered too, I called a taxi in front of the house.
“What… is all this?”
Perhaps because I came without contact after we parted like that yesterday, Kkotmoa holding the small lump couldn’t hide his surprised eyes. Deonggeori, who’d become a bit friendlier since we made our secret just between us two, saw me and greeted me first, saying “Hyung-ah’s fwiend, hewwo.” While smiling cutely with a handsome face. Since I was taking a taxi anyway, I should have bought Deonggeori toys too. No, I couldn’t easily waste the opportunity to visit one more time anytime, using the excuse that Mom sent them.
“Mom said I have to feed the kid well, and even though it was bothersome, she told me to load up and take it…”
I also pretended to be troubled and uncharacteristically trailed off my words. The lies I’d been making up well until now using Mom as an excuse pricked my conscience today. It seemed I was scared that if I kept doing this, Kkotmoa might really say he’d come visit our house with Deonggeori. It’s okay, I’ll block it somehow.
Kkotmoa, who put Deonggeori down on the floor, couldn’t help but admire the side dishes I brought. His hands were quick as he organized them one by one and put them in the refrigerator. Even in the midst of that, he purposely opened the lids of several to taste them and just liked them. Yesterday’s awkward and cold air between us became warm in an instant. I really did well to bring side dishes.
“Our dinner table will be plentiful now.”
“She said it’s for you and the kid to eat. Not me. You’ll worry less about Dad’s lunchbox side dishes too. You must have gotten sick of always eating kimchi and eggs with rice.”
“Yeah. Please tell her thank you, really thank you. I’ll visit with Jaea soon.”
I didn’t answer. I pretended not to hear while picking up Deonggeori who was staring up at us from the floor. But is it really okay not to send this kid to daycare? That way he’d learn to speak properly. Even though they said he’s already much slower than his peers.
No, more than that, there was something I wanted to address. I couldn’t sleep because I was curious about it, so I really wanted to hear the answer. I didn’t want to struggle through agonizing imagination tonight too and watch the sun rise.
“Can I ask you one thing?”
“Yeah. What? Wow, this is really delicious. Your mom must be really good at cooking. Everything I’ve tasted is delicious.”
Kkotmoa put kkakdugi in his mouth and crunched it while making eye contact with me. Why does that kid look so sexy eating kkakdugi? No, am I crazy, what kind of thoughts am I having while looking at a kid eating kkakdugi… Flustered by the thought that came unbidden, I quickly moved my mouth. I definitely didn’t plan to ask so bluntly.
“Do you have time to mess around with dating?”
I just wanted to ask what answer he gave, but in my confusion, I blurted it out too directly. I absolutely didn’t intend to ask like this. But what flustered me more was Kkotmoa’s reaction. No matter how curious I was, I should have held back. If I’d known I’d see this reaction, I wouldn’t have asked. The mouth that had been chewing kkakdugi deliciously while looking at me froze like a paused screen. We just stared at each other like that. The paused screen broke when Kkotmoa finished chewing the kkakdugi with a slightly flustered face.
“Mess around with dating?”
“Yeah, so, did you decide to go out with her yesterday?”
I added as if making excuses to him who asked questioningly. If I hadn’t been holding Deonggeori, an awkward air flowed to the point I wouldn’t know where to put my hands. Deonggeori, who didn’t sense the atmosphere between me and Kkotmoa, was wriggling in my arms. The sensation of him rubbing his face against my neck was unfamiliar.
“Are you… curious about that?”
“Yeah.”
“Why?”
“I’m concerned.”
“…Why?”
“You asked me to help you study because of the college entrance exam, but if you mess around with dating, I thought you wouldn’t study worth a damn.”
It was the best excuse I could give. The small head I couldn’t read kept its mouth shut in front of me for a moment. His expression held hesitation as if contemplating something.
“…Is that all?”
“What else would there be?”
Startled that my feelings of liking him might be discovered, I deliberately responded more curtly. Worried those clear, pure eyes would see into my heart, I avoided his gaze and pretended to readjust Deonggeori for no reason. I heard a deflated sigh. When I met his eyes again, Kkotmoa’s expression had returned to normal. Didn’t he just sigh deflated-ly? No matter how I looked again, there was no sign of it.
“No…, it’s not. I thought it would be like that, so I said I was sorry and rejected her. I said my studying is urgent.”
“Yeah, you did well.”
I didn’t even realize I was suddenly smiling. I really liked the answer Kkotmoa said he gave. My mood improved as if agonizing all last night was a lie. I felt fortunate that Kkotmoa wasn’t good at studying and his family circumstances were difficult. Because if he’d had even a little peace of mind or comfortable circumstances, it seemed like he would have accepted the confession yesterday.
“By the way, did you eat lunch?”
“Would I have eaten?”
“Ah. It’s only 11:30.”
“I came as soon as I woke up, pushed by Mom.”
“You went through trouble for nothing. Wait a moment. I’ll prepare lunch right away.”
Unlike my initial plan to just drop off side dishes and leave, I planted my butt in the narrow living room shaped like a hallway. When I put Deonggeori on my lap, he played well by himself without saying anything. Even when I glanced at what he was playing, I couldn’t tell. Deonggeori was just concentrating while fiddling with my clothes. And I was concentrating on the sight of Kkotmoa preparing lunch with the side dishes our mom packed.
We sat facing each other in front of the small table where we’d studied together and ate lunch. Unlike the modest dinners that always had only jjigae and one side dish, today the side dishes overflowed to the point there wasn’t enough space. Kkotmoa sat Deonggeori on his lap and fed him. Just watching the sight of those brothers filled my stomach.
Deonggeori, who opened his beak to receive whatever Kkotmoa picked up for him, seemed to chew and swallow it all quickly, then opened his beak again and waited for food. Then Kkotmoa would unfailingly put food in again. But in Deonggeori’s front paws, a fork and spoon he didn’t even use were each held quite firmly.
If you’re just going to open your beak sticking out like a baby bird, put down the fork and spoon, or use what’s held in your front paws to scoop and eat on your own—I wanted to nag out of nowhere. But like Kang Junwoo said, I manage my image in front of Kkotmoa.
“But at five years old, can’t he eat by himself?”
“That’s true, but when he gets bigger anyway, he’ll eat alone even if I want to feed him. As you know, our Jaea has a lot of time playing alone, so when we’re together, I just want to do everything for him if possible.”
It seemed like Kkotmoa wanted to fill the empty mother’s spot. Dad who’s busy with flower shop work and Dad lying in the hospital. Dad who has to pay more attention to his hospitalized partner than caring for the child, and Dad receiving treatment in the hospital to recover as soon as possible. Taking care of Deonggeori was entirely Kkotmoa’s responsibility. Even though he could have complaints about it, Kkotmoa was rather accepting it as happiness.
“When will your mother have time?”
“Huh? Why?”
“I even received all these side dishes, so I think I should visit and greet her soon. I think she’d like it if I brought Jaea too.”
“Oh, that’s… it’ll be difficult for a while. She said she’s busy with various gatherings and such.”
It was true that Mom was someone who absolutely didn’t miss social gatherings or events, but she didn’t chase after all of them. Even while doing housework at home and cosplaying as an ordinary mom, befitting the wife of D Group’s chairman, she selectively participated only in formal and dignified events. She was an ajumma who’d go to volunteer activities rather than attend unnecessary gatherings. Because of that, relatively speaking, our mom had plenty of time and was often at home. However, regardless of reality, to Kkotmoa, our mom was scheduled to be continuously busy from now on.
Kkakdugi (깍두기) – Term (cubed radish kimchi)
