I foolishly only now realized the substance of what I had been vaguely aware of. That I looked at Kkotmoa with a somewhat different gaze. That you are more special to me than anyone else in the classroom. That even though I’m devoting my time to you, I don’t find it wasteful.
That the reason for all of that is because I like you.
I should have realized it already when I recognized Kkotmoa as my flower, no, when I stole glances at his nape, or if not that, when I charged money on the cafe card and made it end up in your hands through an event that wouldn’t even work, or if not even that, when I played tricks wanting to hold hands, or when I asked Father to help with the flower shop, no, when I was frantic to feed you delicious things, or if not that, when I felt that all the things I couldn’t understand were possible because it was you, or at the very latest, when I thought I wanted to eat the dinner he made every day. However, because I had no immunity in that direction, my realization was quite late.
Despite there being this many direct pieces of evidence.
Even though I felt butterflies for a same-sex friend in the same class and realized I liked him, it wasn’t particularly shocking or repulsive. Kkotmoa, beyond being male or female, beyond gender, was just Kkotmoa. You were my deskmate, you were the only person learning to study from me, and you were my flower that I liked.
You were my purity.
Whether he had gone to spread rumors to other classes, Kang Junwoo had already disappeared. It might have been that he left because my dazed reaction was boring. I waited for Kkotmoa, feeling anxious. If I followed my heart, I wanted to immediately run to Class 14, throw away the flowers Kkotmoa received, and threaten that girl Ha Yunjin or whatever her name was. To not approach my flower.
However, there was nothing I could do. No matter how little interest I had in others, I was just a clumsy nineteen-year-old high school student, and no matter how much I didn’t care about rumors, I was a scared minor who knew I couldn’t let my parents find out that I liked Kkotmoa. So even while feeling extremely anxious and uneasy emotions, I just sat still and only waited for Kkotmoa.
What did you answer to that girl who confessed while giving you flowers in front of everyone, saying she liked you?
I was annoyed at why senior year test-takers kept doing useless things instead of studying like they should. I wished the school would issue something like a confession ban. Ah, but then Kkotmoa wouldn’t be able to deliver flowers, so would it hit their household’s financial situation? Since their stupidly kind dad sells them to students at a bargain price as Kkotmoa’s friends anyway, it probably wouldn’t matter much. Even while having stupid thoughts, I was worrying about Kkotmoa first like an idiot.
I looked only at the back door, restless and frustrated with my leg shaking. I must have been so anxious that I was even doing something I’d never done in my life—picking at the skin around my fingernails with my hand. When sharp pain surged from beside my index fingernail and I saw drops of blood, Kkotmoa came in holding a bouquet. Even until he came and sat next to me, I couldn’t say anything and just stared. As if nothing had happened, he placed the bouquet on the windowsill next to me, sat down in his seat, and opened his language section workbook. In the end, unable to hold back, I had no choice but to gesture at the windowsill with my chin and ask first.
“What’s that?”
“Huh? Flowers.”
Who’s asking because they don’t know that? I didn’t like how he answered nonchalantly even though he’d played the same tricks as me and held my hand. I didn’t like his slightly embarrassed, reddened nape either. The flower I liked wasn’t pretty at all right now.
“I thought you were going to deliver.”
“Right……”
He didn’t seem to know that I already knew because I’d heard from Kang Junwoo. I probed him several times, but until the end, he didn’t say he’d been confessed to. That made me even more frustrated and angry. I couldn’t understand why he was trying to hide it. Whether he’d rejected her, or said he’d think about it, or agreed to date…….
Damn it. Fuck. Son of a bitch.
There weren’t many curses that came to mind. If I’d known it would be like this, I should have listened carefully when Kang Junwoo cursed usually. The problem was listening to Mom too well. The saying that if you listen to your mom well, you’ll get rice cakes even in your sleep is all a lie. Because of the words that cursing is uncivilized and undignified behavior, I’d lived too far from cursing. Not knowing I’d need it this much right now.
“What’s wrong, your hand is ruined.”
“……Huh?”
“Don’t torment my math god and English god. Even without that, your hands are pretty so I’ll be upset if they get ruined.”
How am I supposed to accept you holding my hand when you just came back from receiving a confession from another kid? I can’t figure out what’s inside you at all, so I’m going to be frustrated and then die from blocked lungs.
“Huh? It’s bleeding. How much did you pick at it? You didn’t do this before. Even our Jae-a fixed this habit.”
Ah, fuck.
Kkotmoa, who made a very upset expression, brought my bleeding index finger to his mouth and sucked it. More than the stinging pain I felt on the torn flesh, power tightened in my lower stomach at the soft, moist, and smooth sensation. Unable to hide my bewilderment, I roughly pulled my hand away. His startled eyes opened wide as if they’d roll and fall out, staring straight at me.
“What are you doing?”
My ears were burning and my nape was hot. I really don’t understand this guy. Even knowing that he did it with a pure heart without any ulterior motive to stop the bleeding, after realizing my feelings, it was troublesome that shallow expectations were trying to bloom. Very troublesome and awkward. Still, his parents are a gay couple, so isn’t there a possibility?
Haa……. What possibility, what the hell.
“Sorry. I didn’t know you’d be that upset. It’s just that it was bleeding, so because of the habit of doing it for Jae-a, I unconsciously……”
“I’m not Deonggeori, no, fuck, I’m not your younger brother.”
Even after realizing that I liked Kkotmoa, I couldn’t think beyond that. If you like someone, you confess, and if you confess, you get one of two endings—either rejection or dating. But I was afraid. Because it seemed like Kkotmoa wouldn’t be next to me like now if I was rejected, clumsy me didn’t even have the courage to confess. For the first time, I, who had nothing to be scared of and nothing to fear, had something scary and frightening.
The words of rejection that might come from your mouth.
Could it be that the excuse of the absurd English god and math god was because I wanted to hold your hand? Could it be that you brought one flower at a time as tutoring payment at first because you have feelings for me? Could it be that you gifted me flowers you wrapped yourself for the first time because I’m special? Could it be that you let me into your room and make dinner for me every day because you also like me?
In the greed hoping that you felt the same as me somehow, I kept assigning meaning to trivial things. I learned one more thing. That when you like someone, you assign meaning to every trivial thing they did. However, I knew that I had to somehow hide my feelings in front of Kkotmoa.
If my feelings are sincere, you’d become my first love, but they say first love doesn’t come true.
No, I don’t know what on earth I’m thinking.
Looking at Kkotmoa, who had a slightly surprised face and an apologetic expression, I couldn’t hold back my frustration and stood up. The index finger that had been sucked into his mouth felt burning rather than hot. If Kang Junwoo hadn’t run in through the back door at that moment asking what I was curious about, I would have escaped from my seat as if running away.
“Kkotmoa! I heard you got confessed to! What did you say? What happened?”
For some unknown reason, Kkotmoa reflexively looked at me. So what? At my silent, cold reaction, his eyes looked a bit confused too. Was it awkward because he spoke too loudly in front of everyone in the class? If Kang Junwoo hadn’t asked first, how long were you planning not to tell me?
“Say something! What happened?”
“……What.”
I’d never seen Kkotmoa, who was always kind, friendly, and gentle, speak this stiffly in such short answers. He lowered his head, fixed his gaze on his workbook, and clenched his fist around the hand holding the mechanical pencil. If he was gripping it that hard, the bones protruded over his hand that had turned pale beyond white, and veins bulged. His gracefully lined round shoulders were stiffly tense. I couldn’t just watch him be uncomfortable.
“Why are you asking about other people’s private lives and throwing a fit? Didn’t you even get character education?”
“Ah fuck, why are you throwing a fit at me? You’re curious too.”
I was curious. I was going crazy curious about what Kkotmoa answered. Even though I was dying of curiosity, my feelings of liking Kkotmoa were greater, so I wanted to protect him.
“There’s plenty to be curious about. Instead of being curious about that kind of thing, study, you crazy bastard. You’re a senior.”
“Crazy bastard, am I the only senior? You’re a senior too, you know?”
“Are you, who’s playing around in the class, the same as me, who’s playing around nationwide?”
“Son of a bitch, this bastard is really stabbing my painful spots with an awl? Why is there such low pressure? Did you get confessed to by Ha Yunjin? I asked Kkotmoa, you know?”
“……Did you tell your eldest hyung about your mock exam preliminary scoring?”
“You, you, you cowardly bastard. Calling this a friend. Just you wait, I’ll get revenge, fuck. You’re going to get a zero on the CSAT! Starting today, I’m going to set out water and pray with my hands and feet until you get a zero on the CSAT!”
I know too, that it’s cowardly. That Kang Junwoo’s only weakness is his eldest hyung. Even as Kang Junwoo returned to his seat, he poured curses on me. I’m going to live a really long life, from getting cursed at so much by Kang Junwoo. Anyway, I’d managed to chase away the barking dog bastard, but seeing the small head that was deeply bowed without moving made my head throb. I wanted to leave the classroom, but I couldn’t leave my seat in case that mutt came and barked again. I roughly messed up my hair and ended up sitting back down in my chair.
Soon the homeroom teacher came in, did the morning assembly, and first period started. After second period passed and third period, until school dismissal time drew near, Kkotmoa didn’t make eye contact with me even once. He didn’t say a single word either. Even during break time, he didn’t go to the bathroom once and just sat there solving his workbook. Problems he didn’t know, he just checked them and didn’t even ask.
I couldn’t figure out what I’d done wrong to Kkotmoa. I felt wronged. When I was the one who actually wanted to be angry, Kkotmoa seemed to be the one who was angry instead, so I was restless and only glanced at Kkotmoa with sidelong looks all day. It was the first time the two of us hadn’t said a single word to each other like today.
What on earth did I do wrong?
Why are you angry?
