“……Thank you.”
“Yeah. If you’re grateful, make sure to come visit with Jae-a. From today on, this auntie is going to be lovesick from missing that tiny little thing.”
So that must have been the goal. If Kkotmoa came to visit our house often, there’d be nothing bad about it for me either, so I stayed quiet without interfering. Mom asked once more if they really couldn’t stay for dinner, and Kkotmoa apologetically declined, saying Dad wanted to see Jae-a at the hospital. Mom couldn’t hold them back any longer.
“Jae-a-ya, you should say goodbye. She took such good care of our Jae-a for a whole day and loved you so much.”
Deonggeori, who had been thinking for a moment, stretched out one arm toward Mom. Looking at how he was hugging Kkotmoa’s neck with his other arm, it was a strong indication that he wasn’t going to separate from his hyung.
*Smooch.*
When Mom approached, Deonggeori kissed Mom’s cheek and smiled as cutely as an angel. Ah, so their family trait must be bewitching people with their smiles. I suddenly became curious about what their dads looked like when they smiled.
“Jae-a pwetty, tank you.”
“Why are you buying persimmons?”
When I grumbled, Mom glared at me and Kkotmoa giggled. The accurate sentence was probably something like, “Thank you for loving Jae-a.” Mom was over the moon just from receiving one kiss. That pervert auntie who had kissed the kid countless times however she pleased just yesterday.
“I’ll be back. Let’s go.”
I snatched Kkotmoa’s bag from Mom and put on my sneakers first. I didn’t know why Mom had grabbed Kkotmoa’s bag that I’d brought down from the second floor in the first place. As if I would have made him wear the bag on those small shoulders while he was holding Deonggeori.
The guy who said “thank you” several times until the very end followed behind me. Mom, uncharacteristically, came out to the garden to see us off. When she said once more to make sure to come visit with Jae-a, I couldn’t hold back and got irritated. Telling her to stop because it was embarrassing.
Less than five minutes after kissing Mom goodbye, Deonggeori, who couldn’t hold back for even that short time and had even taken a nap, was asleep in familiar arms. No matter how comfortable we’d made him, he couldn’t have been completely at ease in the arms of an unfamiliar auntie he was seeing for the first time. He couldn’t have been prettier, having endured the day well without crying or causing trouble, and even acting cute toward Mom in various ways. For all I knew, it might have been because there was an underlying awareness that it was “hyung-ah’s friend’s house”…….
“I felt it when I came in earlier too, but your house is really nice. I thought houses like this only existed in movies.”
I examined Kkotmoa’s expression, worried that he might feel a sense of relative deprivation and distance from me. Looking around the garden as we exited through the gate, he was purely just admiring it. There was no sign of envy, deprivation, or jealousy at all. This is what he’s like, yet I’m the only one constantly getting scared for no reason.
“Oh right. This, I think Dad’s going to scold me. You even watched the kid and then took money too. Just tell your mother yourself instead of me……”
“Do you want to see my back get destroyed?”
A hundred-thousand-won check taken from the child’s arms was neatly held in Kkotmoa’s hand. Kkotmoa didn’t readily accept things without compensation. Frustratingly honest and sincere, he only took what was given to him and enjoyed it without complaint within those limits. It would be nice if he’d just accept this much with a “thank you” like Mom said.
“That’s not money, it’s our household auntie’s heart.”
“Huh?”
“I barely stopped her from going shopping with the kid today, actually. I didn’t think you’d be able to carry it all.”
Actually, because I was afraid you’d misunderstand that we were pitying you.
“Our mom is originally like that because she likes kids, so you don’t need to feel burdened. I don’t know why that housewife’s scale is so big, but she’s frantic about not being able to buy this and that when she sees a kid. Consider yourself lucky you received something light. Otherwise, even if the two of us carried it together, we wouldn’t have been able to carry it all.”
There were exaggerated parts, but there were no lies. When I left for school in the morning, Mom had really said she was going to take Deonggeori to buy gifts, and I stopped her. With the absurd sophistry that their parents wouldn’t be happy if she bought so much for a kid she was seeing for the first time, Mom nodded saying that could be the case. Instead, she showed an uncharacteristically girlish side, saying she’d definitely buy gifts the second time she saw him.
“By the way, are all five-year-olds this bad at speaking?”
“Mm, our Jae-a is extremely severely slow though.”
“Why?”
“From when he first came, he smiled well but barely spoke. Other kids talk a lot with friends at daycare and such places and learn from teachers so they improve quickly, but our Jae-a is always at the flower shop so he mostly only talks with me. When Dad’s busy he’s frantic, so usually Jae-a plays alone in the corner room inside the flower shop. But they said he barely spoke and played alone even when he went to daycare too.”
They must be too poor to even send Deonggeori to daycare. If I’d heard the same story from someone else, I definitely would have thought it was pathetic. But I didn’t have that thought at all. My solar plexus ached at their warmth in trying somehow to take care of the kid within their given environment. In my surroundings full of people who had plenty without lacking anything, there was no such warmth. Having asked myself but not knowing what reaction to show, I asked as the three of us retraced the path that the two of us had walked together.
“Want to take a taxi?”
“No. I like walking.”
“I know. I said that earlier. But you’re holding the kid right now.”
“I like walking while holding Jae-a too.”
Why do I like walking together beside you while carrying your bag as you hold the child?
The fluffy spring breeze kept swaying me. Even a mere powerless spring breeze swayed me like this, so I wondered if you, lighter than me, were also swaying.
“And there’s a bus that goes directly to the hospital. You can go back in now too.”
“Do you seriously want to see my back get destroyed?”
“Was it obvious? You really are quick-witted.”
Seeing him giggle, it seemed like he’d returned to the Kkotmoa I knew. But what exactly is the Kkotmoa I know? I only know the fragmentary aspects he shows me. I still want to know about you and am full of curiosity.
“I was really grateful to you yesterday.”
“……Not really.”
“Whenever I praise you, you always make that stoic face and say ‘not really.’ Cutely.”
What on earth is he saying right now?
No matter how much I looked, there wasn’t a cute corner to me. Even our mom lives with “why are you growing so fast, it’s disgusting” on her lips but absolutely never puts the word “cute” in her mouth. I’d already distanced myself from the modifier “cute” since elementary school. But I didn’t know what on earth he was saying to me right now.
The guy who was still giggling was a whole head shorter than me. While I was particularly well-developed in growth, there was also the fact that this guy holding Deonggeori was lacking. So the modifier “cute” wasn’t for me, but rather suited the fluttering guy walking beside me or the small bundle asleep in his arms.
“Haa, I feel relieved after talking about it. Our dad’s accident and, well, all sorts of things, this is the first time I’ve talked about them with my own mouth to someone.”
“……Talk about it in the future too. I won’t say anything anywhere. It becomes a disease if you carry it around.”
“I know. That you won’t say anything anywhere.”
The flower swaying gently in the spring breeze was certain about me, whom even I didn’t know well. His baseless trust flowed on the wind and embraced me. I wanted to embrace that wind in return.
“What do you know?”
“I know. You’re my deskmate, and you’re my Do Teacher.”
Thank goodness my dream isn’t to be a teacher. If I heard the cringeworthy nickname “Do Teacher” that only Kkotmoa can call me from someone else’s mouth, it would be extremely annoying and unpleasant. So being able to call me “Do Teacher” was uniquely permitted only to you.
“Then do you have to go to the hospital every day too?”
“I want to, but as soon as Dad woke up yesterday, he told me to study until I take the CSAT. He told me not to help with the flower shop work either. He told me to only come to the hospital once a week. Otherwise he’ll kick me out.”
I thought the words “kick out” were too cruel to say to an adopted kid. But I felt like I understood their dad’s heart in wanting to send him to college even by doing that, so I couldn’t curse at him either. Even while looking at Kkotmoa’s gloomy and disappointed expression, I was happy. Since I was planning to apply for early admission in the first semester anyway, if I said I was taking a break from private education using the CSAT as an excuse, Dad would say something, but Mom, who hadn’t been keen on private education from the start, would take my side. As a result of watching through repeated learning until I turned nineteen, Dad can never beat Mom. The king of our house is Mom.
“Then let’s do it every day starting tomorrow, studying.”
“Huh? Together? Do you have that much time?”
“Aren’t I a test-taker?”
“Still, I feel like I’ll just interfere with your studying.”
“Forget it. Starting tomorrow, let’s do it at your house instead of the cafe. If everyone’s at the hospital anyway, the house will be empty, right? I’m tired of sandwiches.”
Even in the midst of all this, I was despicable for finding a gap and wanting to see his house. The area near my ribs tickled, and with every breath, my lower stomach tickled too. I didn’t know what kind of reaction this was. But we’d just come out of my house together moments ago, so I worried whether he’d be reluctant to show me his house. Even though I knew he wasn’t that kind of person.
“Then I’ll make you dinner as tutoring payment. Even if I’m not good at studying, I cook well.”
Right, Kkotmoa was a proud wildflower who didn’t get intimidated or discouraged by most things. He was a kid with strong conviction and high self-esteem who didn’t compare himself to others in the first place.
“……Can I really go to your house?”
“Yeah. I went to your house today too. I think I’d be more comfortable studying at home than at a cafe too. But since your house is far, my house is better. My house isn’t very far from the flower shop.”
I was curious about Kkotmoa’s room. What would be in your room, what color would be the desk where you study, what would be like the bed where you lie down and sleep, what would be like the space where you breathe, sleep, and live every day, how would it be different from my room?
“Actually, the cafe card charging money is almost running out so I was worried, but this worked out well. It was my turn to charge it this time, but if I charge a hundred thousand won, my whole month’s allowance flies away. Then I can’t even buy snacks for our Jae-a.”
Even if our intentions were different, we were wishing for the same thing. There’s no way I’d burden you with money……. I would have somehow racked my brain to resolve it with my money without you feeling bad, but you, who didn’t know any of that, were worrying.
“But Hyeondo-ya.”
“Yeah.”
“……Why are you so good to me?”
Because it was a direct hit on a part I was also puzzled about, I momentarily couldn’t think of what to say in response.
“Mm……”
I hummed briefly while pondering how to answer. Even I thought I was being excessively good to Kkotmoa. Most of the guys at our school were good to Kkotmoa, but not as much as me. Kang Junwoo, who also said Kkotmoa was cute, wasn’t as much as me either. They showed each other exactly that much kindness that busy test-takers could show. However, at some point, I wanted to allocate more of my time to you.
So you asked why I was doing that…….
“……Because it’s you?”
“……”
“Oh, right. Because it’s you.”
I only knew after the words left my mouth. I only realized it now. My wandering was over. All those things I couldn’t understand and thought were strange were possible because it was you. It was a clearer reason than any logic or explanation.
……Kkotmoa, because it’s you.
