“I’m home.”
“You’re back, son? You’re receiving flowers often these days?”
“Yeah.”
I hardened my face that had been all smiles and gave off an aura saying don’t ask anymore. Since I came in carrying a flower every Wednesday and Friday, it was understandable for Mom to be curious, but I didn’t feel the slightest need to explain. No matter how much of a minor and high school student I was, I had the right to have my privacy respected. Because it was Mom who taught me that, even though she was more curious, she only probed subtly and didn’t dig deeply.
“What should I make you for a late-night snack today?”
“I’m good today.”
“Really? Then do you want to eat some fruit at least?”
“I’m not thinking about it. I’m going up.”
“What’s gotten into you?”
I didn’t want Mom to interfere with this fluffy feeling right now, so I answered half-heartedly and went up to the second floor. Actually, nineteen is right at the age for eating a lot. Kkotmoa eats that well too, so I wasn’t any different. However, I wasn’t the type who eats anything well like Kkotmoa, but rather the type who eats a lot of what I want to eat. Since on Wednesdays and Fridays I inadequately had dinner at the cafe, I was always hungry when I came home and asked Mom for a late-night snack. The menu was also diverse—tteokbokki, pancakes, fried rice, rice balls, bibim noodles, dumplings, japchae, etc. But today I wasn’t hungry at all. Just looking at my right hand made me full. It was a really strange thing when my hand didn’t eat the food for me or anything.
I entered my room with a grinning face, humming a tune unsuitably. I liked the scent of Kkotmoa that I felt when I opened the door. When I switched the flower to my right hand, I had the illusion of holding Kkotmoa’s hand like earlier.
The flowers I had received from Kkotmoa as tutoring fees so far totaled eleven, including the tulip I received today. Of those, only three were still alive, including the one in my hand right now, but even the wilted flowers looked pretty to my eyes. My steps naturally headed first toward the window where I had gathered the flowers. However, I froze before moving even a few steps.
It was empty. Completely empty.
As soon as I saw the bare window shelf, my heart pounded. Everything before my eyes turned pitch black. Even when I approached closely and looked, not a single one of the ten flowers I had received and collected from Kkotmoa could be seen. Although it couldn’t be, wondering if I had put them somewhere else, I searched my entire room, but except for the tulip in my hand, even if I searched with my eyes washed, there wasn’t a single flower.
“Mom! Mom!”
Without even putting down my bag, I called for Mom and ran down to the first floor, my face turning pale. Anxious thoughts popped up randomly in my head. The overwhelming feeling was hoping it absolutely wasn’t what I thought. Whether she was surprised by my urgent call, Mom, who had been boiling tea for Father in the kitchen, came out to the living room.
“What’s wrong?”
“What happened to the flowers in my room? Where are my flowers?”
“How can you just leave wilted flowers in your room like that? The petals were crumbling and falling on the floor, it was a total mess. If you don’t throw those things away in time, bugs will come.”
“So.”
The voice that came out low and gloomy cracked murkily and trembled. I hoped it wasn’t true. It felt like all the emotions I felt each time I received those flowers had disappeared.
“What do you mean ‘so’? How long were you going to keep those wilted things in your room? Of course I threw them away.”
Premonitions are never wrong. Reality was cruel and cold.
“Why did you carelessly throw away someone else’s things! Does Mom even know what those flowers were!”
A thousand fires rose from within and anger boiled over. My heart pounded. I hated and resented Mom terribly. I, who had been a reliable and dependable son, yelled loudly at Mom for the first time in my life and talked back fiercely. At the words that she threw them away, I almost committed the unfilial act of randomly throwing things next to me. It sounded not just like she threw away flowers, but like she threw away Kkotmoa. It felt like she removed Kkotmoa from my life.
“Why is he acting like this? Are you really dating someone? Is that why you come late every Wednesday and Friday?”
“You can’t trust me that much? I said I’m studying! If you don’t know anything, stay quiet! Why are you so uncultured, carelessly throwing away someone else’s things?! Where did you throw them!”
“This kid, really, I’ve been patient, but now where are you raising your voice…”
“Where did you throw them!”
My reddened eyes grew dim. My vision turned hazy and Mom looked blurry. Strength entered the hand holding the flower I received today and it trembled. Perhaps sensing my state wasn’t normal, Mom stopped trying to scold me and obediently told me the location.
“Today is trash collection day, so I put them outside…”
Before Mom’s words even ended, I threw down my bag and ran outside. Even in the midst of that, I carefully placed the flower I received today on top of the bag, worried it might get damaged. My legs trembled as I ran across the garden toward the gate. I desperately hoped they would still be there. But reality was tragic. In front of the gate, far from a trash bag, not even a single ant could be seen. Unable to contain my anger, I let out a loud cry.
It wasn’t just the flowers that were thrown away. It felt like even my emotions that I couldn’t verify the substance of, that I couldn’t define, that even I didn’t know, had been thrown away too. It felt like my feelings were denied by an adult without even knowing what they were.
“Why didn’t you wear shoes! Oh my, look at his feet. What on earth did you step on? Let me see your feet.”
When I stepped into the entrance, only after hearing Mom’s words did I realize I had run out barefoot without even putting on shoes. Whether I had stepped on something wrong, vivid bloodstains were imprinted along the path I came in.
“Don’t ever carelessly throw away my things again.”
The voice full of choked-up sobs felt awkward. When I grabbed my bag and tulip and went up to the second floor, Mom hurriedly followed up with the first aid kit. Ignoring Mom’s words that I needed treatment, I entered my room and locked the door. Pretending not to hear the knocking sound on the door, I just sat down.
More than my injured foot soaked in blood, my invisible heart hurt more painfully.
I took out my wallet from my bag. Inside the wallet was the result of doing something unlike me. I took it out from deep inside the wallet and stared at it. I was glad I at least had this. At that time, I was embarrassed doing this and couldn’t understand myself, but if I hadn’t done it, I would have regretted it most at this moment and wanted to kill my past self.
On top of my hand was a single petal from the rose Kkotmoa first gave me, laminated.
* * *
“Hello, Hyeondo-ya.”
Kkotmoa, who came to school and sat in the seat next to me, was holding a bouquet in his arms. He put the bouquet down on the desk and took off his school bag, starting to take out various things and put them in the drawer. My gaze was fixed on the bouquet. All I had left was one tulip I received from Kkotmoa yesterday. He never once asked me. What I did with the flowers he gave me. I could vaguely guess that he wouldn’t ask in the future either. So I wouldn’t tell him that Mom threw away all the flowers you gave me.
“Kkotmoa! Here’s 20,000 won.”
A guy from another class with an unfamiliar face came running in through the back door with a crash, gave him 20,000 won with an embarrassed face, and took the bouquet. It was obvious he was going to confess.
“Jeongshik is confessing to Sujung? Sujin? Suyeon? from Class 2 today. Whatever her name is.”
It was already mid-May, but Kang Junwoo wasn’t the only guy who couldn’t get his head straight. I suddenly had an idle curiosity about whether kids from other schools also give flowers when confessing at school. Probably not. At our school, giving flowers when confessing spread like a trend because we have Kkotmoa.
“Hyeondo-ya, is something wrong?”
“No.”
“Um… your expression doesn’t look good. Didn’t you sleep?”
The innocent guy who didn’t know anything tilted his head to the side and pushed his face toward me to meet my eyes. Large eyes that looked like they would roll and fall, white and soft cheeks that looked chewier than sticky rice cakes, peach-colored lips that habitually bit the tip of his mechanical pencil when solving problems despite chattering away tirelessly.
A flower prettier than flowers.
“Hyeondo-ya?”
Kkotmoa’s hand waved in front of me. I couldn’t meet Kkotmoa’s eyes. I clenched my molars. My chest still ached sharply. After slowly releasing the strength from my jaw muscles, I spoke.
“From now on, don’t stop by the flower shop and just come straight to the cafe with me.”
I finally realized now. While the person giving flowers would be happy just from the act of giving itself, the person who received them had to watch the flowers wilt alone. Even if you’re glad and happy when receiving them, it’s difficult to know what to do with flowers that have completely wilted. Thinking of the giver’s sincerity, you feel concerned about throwing them away, but if you leave them as is, like Mom said, the petals crumble and become pretty trash that dirties the house.
“You don’t have to give me tutoring fees.”
The fresh flowers Kkotmoa gave me as tutoring fees were cruel. The lesson I learned from the flowers he gave me wasn’t that flowers are beautiful, but that beauty doesn’t last long. It meant that my school days spent with Kkotmoa every day didn’t have many months left. The time we had left was a season like flowers. In truth, I may have found the wilted flowers I kept in my room burdensome.
“Don’t give me tutoring fees.”
Do you know that the only gift you give me cannot be eternal?
“You… don’t like flowers?”
I didn’t know that the only gift you can give me is flowers.
“Yeah. I don’t like flowers.”
What I denied wasn’t flowers. What I denied was…
