Since it was the first round, the hyungs didn’t think much of it and went back to the waiting room, pressing the [READY] button. I also timidly pressed [READY] and took a deep breath. I won’t make mistakes this time, I vowed to myself as I double-checked the keyboard buttons.
Before long, the next round started, and without fail, I made another mistake and jumped off the ship first. Because of that, the ping the hyungs had marked on the map became useless again.
“Ah, Bae Daeyoung, seriously……”
I didn’t really care about my blood relative sitting far away cursing at me, but I particularly felt self-conscious about Seongheon hyung sitting next to me.
As I opened my parachute and fell slowly like a placed sack of barley, just like before, Seongheon hyung swooped—! past me in his wingsuit and said something.
“Our Daeyoung has quite an impatient personality.”
Even the joke Seongheon hyung delivered with a smile was starting to sound more and more like he meant it.
Perhaps because of that, I was more nervous than before and made even more mistakes than the first round, and in the end, our team was wiped out again because of my blunders.
* * *
I had approached it with a happy heart, thinking I was finally playing games with the hyungs too, but my status as Kkakdugi didn’t last long. Since my skills were terrible, my mistakes immediately led to the team’s failure.
[Team] Enter: You don’t have a shotgun yet, right?
[Team] Kkyudaeyoung: I may not have a gun, but I have pride
[Team] Control: Stop talking nonsense and go get us a car
Originally, we were each supposed to farm on our own, but since I couldn’t do it, the hyungs got armor and guns for me instead and told me to bring transportation.
But I found out later that the hyungs were actually just planning to leave me behind and run away. No wonder the hyungs were running in the opposite direction even though I was driving the jeep toward them…….
[Team] Control: No. Don’t let Bae Daeyoung drive. He might kill us again. I almost reported him for team kill
[Team] Enter: He doesn’t have a driver’s license, so that could happen
[Team] Control: We’re all minors, what kind of bullshit is that?
[Team] Alt: He’s only lenient with Kkakdugi. If it were us, he would’ve cursed us out already
[Team] Enter: When did I?
[Team] Kkyudaeyoung: Right. Seongheon hyung isn’t that kind of person
[Team] Control: wlfkf
[Team] Enter: ㅗㅋ
[Team] Control: See, he’s cursing
[Team] Enter: I typed nose<
Even though Seongheon hyung defended me, it was useless. It seemed like the hyungs used to win as easily as eating rice, enough to complete the season pass, but since I joined, I hadn’t seen the hyungs win even once.
Whatever the result, you can’t win every day in a survival game anyway, so I just accepted it, but the biggest problem was me.
Was it because I was among skilled hyungs? I was so nervous that while farming, I mistook people opening doors and coming in for enemies and shot the hyungs to death, and when I tried to throw a grenade at an enemy but misjudged the angle, it flew back to us and we were all wiped out.
Boom—!
[Team] Control: tlqkf
[Team] Enter: No seizures ㄴㄴ
[Team] Kkyudaeyoung: ㅈㅅ
[Team] Control: ㅈㅅ? You think ㅈㅅ cuts it right now?
[Team] Enter: It’s fine, he’s apologizing
[Team] Kkyudaeyoung: Yeah, I’m at a sensitive age, don’t be mad
[Team] Alt: Kkakdugi
[Team] Kkyudaeyoung: ㅇㅇ?
[Team] Alt: You know how to watch replays, right?
[Team] Kkyudaeyoung: I know
[Team] Alt: Then watch it and write a letter of reflection
[Team] Kkyudaeyoung: Really?
[Team] Alt: Yeah
[Team] Alt: Kkakdugi’s skills are always consistent. It’s not easy for a person to be consistent
[Team] Kkyudaeyoung: I’m still at beginner level
[Team] Control: Beginner my ass. You’re at newborn level.
[Team] Alt: If you have a friend you want to cut ties with, try asking them to play this with you
[Team] Control: Bae Daeyoung has no friends
[Team] Enter: Stop bullying Daeyoung. Why are you being like this over a game?
[Team] Kkyudaeyoung: Right. Games are meant to be enjoyed
[Team] Control: But we can’t enjoy it because of you
<<Party leader ‘Control’ has kicked ‘Kkyudaeyoung’.>>
In the end, Daesu hyung, who was the party leader, kicked me out. If I were a guy with no conscience, I would have clung to them asking to be let back in, but since my mistakes really did lead to the team’s destruction, I couldn’t do that.
I was upset about being kicked out, but since I was in the wrong today, I played the in-game replay to write the letter of reflection that Gangjin hyung had requested.
Looking at it this way, I could really see what I was lacking. So I jotted down each point I needed to correct in a notepad.
[I’m reflecting.
When someone shoots, I should quickly hide behind objects or inside buildings, but I died trying to copy expert movement. I thought they wouldn’t be able to hit me.
And I’m reflecting on picking up only pistol ammo while holding a shotgun. I thought I’d use it someday.
They told me to close doors when farming, but I’m reflecting on going around with them wide open. Mom often tells me to leave the door open for ventilation if I keep it closed too much, so I guess I got into that habit.
I’m reflecting on dancing when I heard music while I went farming. But Seongheon hyung also danced after watching me dance, so please let that one slide. Korean people are naturally full of excitement, so you have to understand.
And when I said it was disgusting after seeing Gangjin hyung t-bagging a dead opponent, it was because it really was disgusting, so I’ll pass on that. That’s a matter of taste, so please understand.
I’m reflecting on hitting Daesu hyung when reviving him because he looked annoying, causing him to die. I just wanted to give him a light tap on the head, but I didn’t know he’d just die.
…Ah. Looking back at it again, I hit him with a pan. No wonder he died in one hit. He kept nagging at me, so I did it to tell him to stop, please understand.
I’m reflecting on firing shots when the hyungs said to just pass by as they were moving, exposing our position. I thought I could hit them, but it was because my mousepad wasn’t good. I can usually hit at that distance, but today the mouse wasn’t moving the way I wanted. I’ll change my mousepad next time.
I’m reflecting on dying first after getting caught following a passing rabbit because it was cute and taking screenshots. But hyung, don’t you think the rabbit was cute too? Gangjin hyung likes cute things, so he’ll understand my feelings.
And they always told me to shoot from the left corner of buildings, but the right… ah, I can’t do this anymore.]
It felt like I’d written a lot, but only 20 minutes of playback time had passed. The more I wrote, the more depressed I got, so I stopped, but Gangjin hyung started ignoring me, saying I didn’t write the letter of reflection.
Of course my hyung would naturally criticize and curse at me, but after Gangjin hyung, who had just been sighing without saying anything, got so angry he rage quit, I started to feel self-conscious too.
At least Seongheon hyung took my side until the end, but I kept team-killing, so it gradually lost its effect, and taking advantage of a brief lull in contact, the hyungs recruited a new member. Some hyung who transferred schools, and after they found out that hyung was good at Break Zone, I was gradually pushed further to the back.
[Whisper] Enter: Sorry, it’s a squad so there’s no room left
[Whisper] Kkyudaeyoung: No, it’s okay
[Whisper] Enter: Let’s play duo next time
[Whisper] Kkyudaeyoung: Okay
I must have been really terrible. The fact that Seongheon hyung defended me all this time was already a lot of effort on his part. If I clung to him like a leech any more than this, I would really be a clueless bastard.
After I left, they seemed to win every day—every time I passed by Daesu hyung’s room, I could hear cheers. Like that, my existence gradually became dust. Even though we were only 3 years apart, my relationship with the hyungs felt like parallel lines that could never be bridged.
Every time I ran into Daesu hyung at home, I subtly brought up the game, but each time hyung put up an iron wall and even lectured me as if he didn’t know anything.
“Do you know why Seongheon let you join? He wanted to use you as a meat shield. You don’t even realize that and keep trying to join without any sense? You think he’s going to play seriously with you? He’s just playing around with you. Because you’re an easy target.”
I tried to argue back that Seongheon hyung wasn’t like that, but since Daesu hyung was closer to Seongheon hyung than I was, I couldn’t just brush off those words.
Especially the words ‘meat shield’—I couldn’t completely deny it either, because in the last game, Seongheon hyung had told me to go down the stairs first, go chop trees outside, go inside the tunnel, and so on, and each time I was attacked by enemies and knocked down.
Of course, hyung revived me each time, but I felt intimidated wondering if he really only thought of me as that kind of tool, if I was unnecessary unless I had that role.
So even when Seongheon hyung contacted me asking to play duo, I felt like he’d just make me play the meat shield role again, and since my skills hadn’t improved much either, I declined saying it was okay.
Like that, I naturally grew distant from the hyungs I couldn’t meet often.
* * *
After that, the hyungs who gradually stopped coming to our house had become college students before I knew it, and I had become their past selves again. It felt like I was taking their place in the spot they had shed like a cicada shell.
I had grown noticeably taller than before, but I was still shorter than the hyungs. And contrary to my thought that the hyungs would study abroad, they all entered the local national university. Only Gangjin hyung had a different department since he was a horseback riding special admission student, but like when they were in high school, the three of them stuck together well and contacted each other often.
Well, I did exchange messages separately with Seongheon hyung on my phone, but most of the messages were worries and encouragement as a ‘friend’s younger brother,’ and trivial jokes.
I was doing fine without hanging out with the hyungs like that, but sometimes when I recalled memories, I missed those times. More than anything, I wanted to go back to when I enjoyed special treatment as Kkakdugi among the hyungs.
When I was immersed in such emotions and feeling lonely, I overheard Daesu hyung making a call while sitting at the dining table…… and learned that the hyungs were playing a new game that came out 2 months ago together. I secretly searched for the game’s name on my phone while eating.
‘Earth? It just looks like a character development game.’
Even if I didn’t know FPS, I was confident in MMORPG.
I put my phone back down and finished eating while reading the room. The game must be pretty fun for Daesu hyung to hurriedly finish eating, get up, and slip into his room.
‘Should I ask to join them?’
I thought it worked out well since my school life was boring anyway.
