“No, I like all the hyungs.”
Of course, it was a halfhearted reply. Perhaps feeling that I answered perfunctorily, Seongheon hyung asked again.
“Not the other guys, what about me?”
“I like you. Seongheon hyung is kind to me……”
Even if it was an appearance hyung put on, he was still a good hyung to me, so I didn’t deny it.
“So I like you the most among the hyungs.”
But that didn’t seem to be the answer hyung wanted. Instead of smiling along with me, hyung just blinked his eyes, then looked away and stared straight ahead as the traffic signal dropped.
Naturally, I also tried to look straight ahead, but my gaze went to the back of hyung’s hand gripping the steering wheel tightly. The bones on the back of his hand, which only showed when making a tight fist, stood out even more, making it look like he was somehow displeased. So I didn’t add anything more and sat quietly.
Today especially, a coldness emanated from Seongheon hyung’s attitude. While he treated me kindly similar to before, perhaps because I’d been avoiding contact during that time or because I was conscious of hyung, the air inside the car was very different from usual.
‘The driving seems a bit rougher than usual too……’
I was just staring at the headlight beams drawn on the dark road. In a ‘huh?’ moment, something flashed across the center of the road like a shot.
Squeeeeeal!!!
Thanks to Seongheon hyung slamming on the brakes and supporting my chest with his hand, my body didn’t lurch forward too much.
For a moment, I heard hyung mumbling something very low. I instinctively sensed it was a curse. Normally he would have let it out without hesitation, but he seemed to have held back because I was next to him.
“Daeyoung-ah, were you startled?”
“Yeah, a little.”
“Looks like a roe deer, it suddenly jumped out.”
“Hyung, not just at night, but they come out a lot during the day too. Be careful.”
“Got it. But, can I stop by a convenience store for a moment?”
“Yeah.”
At my answer, Seongheon hyung turned the car not toward my house’s direction, but toward downtown.
On the road, snow that had fallen a few days ago still hadn’t melted and was piled up at the edges. In the past, when it snowed, I used to have snowball fights with the hyungs quite often, but it had already been well over 5 years since we’d done that. I still reminisce about memories of playing with the hyungs on days when snow piles up, but I figured the hyungs probably didn’t.
He parked the car in front of a 24-hour convenience store, and hyung opened the door and got out first. Before closing the door, hyung called “Daeyoung-ah.”
“What do you want to drink?”
“Um……”
“Should I get you strawberry milk?”
“Yeah!”
“Okay.”
Just like how Gangjin hyung bought me strawberry milk without asking before, the hyungs know well that I like strawberry milk. The hyungs really seemed to know everything about me.
Inside the bright convenience store, I could see Seongheon hyung picking up strawberry milk and heading to the checkout counter. But why isn’t hyung buying anything? I wondered as I watched, and the convenience store owner exchanged a few words with hyung, then pulled out a pack of cigarettes placed on the back wall and put it on the checkout counter.
‘Ah…… he came to buy cigarettes.’
I’d only speculated that Seongheon hyung seemed to smoke, but this was the first time I’d seen him actually purchase cigarettes.
When Gangjin hyung smoked in front of me, I didn’t mind. But why…… I don’t know why I’m so bothered by Seongheon hyung picking up cigarettes and putting them in his pocket.
Just how much of a fantasy did I have about Seongheon hyung? They’re all the same hyungs, but I don’t know why only when Seongheon hyung shows a side of himself outside my expectations, it’s imprinted this intensely.
After finishing payment, instead of coming straight out of the convenience store, I could see him picking up a straw and inserting it into the milk. He came out holding it and tap-tapped on the passenger window.
Whirr— As I lowered the window, Seongheon hyung smiled and handed me the strawberry milk. His breath hung like clouds at the corners of hyung’s smiling mouth.
“They only had the big one, so I got 500 milliliters, is that okay?”
“Yeah. I can drink it all.”
“Okay.”
Seongheon hyung returned to the driver’s seat and just waited for me to drink the milk, doing nothing else.
He bought cigarettes but won’t smoke in front of me? I glanced at hyung while drinking the milk. Only then did hyung start the engine, gripped the steering wheel with one hand, and smoothly started the car.
As the car turned and entered the road again, heading back toward my house. On the way, hyung asked about school life, so I answered one by one, then he brought up questions related to my girlfriend again.
“I’m curious who Daeyoung’s girlfriend is.”
“Just a kid from the same school.”
“Did she confess to you by any chance?”
“Huh? Um…… Should I say our hearts connected at the same time.”
“Really?”
I fumbled my words, thinking hyung wouldn’t believe me if I said she confessed to me. After giving a vague answer, I avoided responding by unnecessarily biting the straw stuck in the strawberry milk.
I thought while stealing glances at Seongheon hyung driving.
‘Hyung doesn’t smoke in front of me?’
Since he bought cigarettes, I thought he’d smoke right away like Gangjin hyung. Seongheon hyung’s way of treating me was definitely really different from the other hyungs.
By the time the empty sound came through the straw, we arrived at my house’s yard. Seeing Seongheon hyung’s car, Ddanji approached with his tail spinning like a propeller.
‘Finally! Home!!’
Excited, I touched the door to get out as soon as the car stopped, but click—the car door locked again. At that sound, my relieved heart also thud, sank.
“Daeyoung-ah.”
“Yeah?”
“Your girlfriend, you’re really not going to show me?”
“My girl, girl, friend? Why-y?”
“Because I want to see. What kind of girl she is.”
“Uh…… Well, hyung. I don’t think my girlfriend would like it……”
It wasn’t the non-existent girlfriend who didn’t like it, but me. I was refusing with an appropriate smile, but Seongheon hyung leaned against the steering wheel, looking at me without budging from his stubbornness.
“As far as I know, isn’t this Daeyoung’s first girlfriend? Then hyung absolutely has to see.”
“Why do you insist on seeing, it’s embarrassing.”
“I’m worried about our Daeyoung.”
“Hyung, really. I’ll be an adult in a month, so what.”
“That’s why I was waiting for you to graduate soon…… and you suddenly got a girlfriend?”
“Why were you waiting?”
“Because Daeyoung, you said you’d marry me.”
Those words were just me striking back because I didn’t want to lose to Seongheon hyung’s joke.
“Aw, such a joke really.”
“Does it seem like a joke?”
“Hyung, I’m all grown up now. I know that kind of talk is a joke.”
I’ve also developed the skill to appropriately hit and run from Seongheon hyung’s absurd words now.
How can a guy marry a guy? If I’d heard those words in elementary school, I would have stupidly worried ‘Do I really have to marry Seongheon hyung?’ But not now.
Feeling unnecessarily embarrassed, I unknowingly tapped Seongheon hyung’s arm with my fist and grinned. Then suddenly thinking ‘Ah, right. Seongheon hyung was originally a scary hyung,’ I opened my hand again and placed it demurely on my lap.
“Daeyoung-ah.”
“Yeah?”
Leaning against the steering wheel, Seongheon hyung rolled only his eyes to stare directly at me. Perhaps because his face originally had upturned lip corners, it was hard to read his emotions just from his now tightly closed lips.
“I’ll ask one more time.”
“……”
“You’ll show me your girlfriend, right?”
“……”
“If you don’t show me, I’ll consider that you don’t have a girlfriend, okay?”
Hyung, I want to show you too. But how can I show you my girlfriend who doesn’t even exist in this world?
But if I said I wouldn’t show him until the end here, it seemed like he’d also interrogate me about why I went to Gangjin hyung’s house today. Even knowing that lies beget more lies, I couldn’t stop.
“How about this weekend? Hyung will buy you lunch. Daeyoung, you’re short on allowance, right?”
“This week? This week is…… Ah! My girlfriend said she’s going to a church retreat!”
“Really? Then next week.”
“Uh…… Next week?”
Could I make a girlfriend by next week? My mental state was collapsing. A girlfriend that didn’t exist until age 19 would appear in just a few days?
It was close to impossible. But I’d already said too much to turn back. Couldn’t I just say we broke up depending on the situation? If I thought deeply about it here, it would just look like I was scheming to Seongheon hyung’s eyes, so I readily agreed for now.
“Uh, yeah. Got it. I’ll let her know first.”
“Okay. Don’t feel pressured. Just say I’m buying you a meal and bring her out.”
“Mm-hmm.”
“And, Daeyoung-ah.”
“Yeah?”
“If you don’t answer hyung’s calls again…… I’ll print out your humiliating photos big and paste them on the school gate, okay? You know I have photos of when you came to our house as a kid to get salt, right?”
“……”
In the distant past, when I was 8 years old, I’d drawn a map on my blanket as an aftereffect of playing with fire with the hyungs. My dad happened to have business at Seongheon hyung’s house, so he put a ‘ki’ on my head and took me along, and I begged for salt there.
At that time, Seongheon hyung’s father laughed heartily and loaded a bag of salt onto the porter, but as it turned out, we were going to Seongheon hyung’s house to get salt for kimjang, and I also went along incidentally to get salt.
Anyway, I did run into Seongheon hyung at that time, but I didn’t know he’d secretly photographed me.
“You were really cute back then. Your eyes were all puffy from crying, and you brought a gourd dipper as big as your head. When dad put salt in it and you bowed to thank him, you spilled all the salt on the ground…… Haha.”
“Hyung. When did you even take that? Isn’t that a violation of portrait rights?”
“So, I’ll compensate you. Bring your girlfriend this time. Hyung will buy you expensive and delicious food.”
“If you just give me money……”
“You think I’ll do that?”
“No.”
“As expected, our Daeyoung knows me too well.”
The hand stroking my head was very warm, so I almost let my guard down without realizing it, then came back to reality.
‘No, I still don’t know hyung well.’
Only after hearing a firm answer from me did Seongheon hyung click, unlock the car.
Kimjang (김장) – Traditional Korean kimchi-making season/practice
