Seeing me suddenly here—and sitting on gym equipment no less—hyung seemed flustered and didn’t readily approach.
Seongheon hyung started to pick up the sports bag by the doorway but stopped, looking at me strangely, and when our eyes met, I froze, unable to say anything. At least I had enough presence of mind to turn off my phone screen showing the chat and gauge the situation.
“Huh?”
“When did you get here?”
“Huh? Well… that is…”
I didn’t know what excuse to make. Gulp, even swallowing my saliva, my ears felt stuffy and my mind went blank.
Excuses mixed chaotically in my head and my thoughts stopped, not knowing what to blurt out. The more I fumbled without speaking, the steeper Seongheon hyung’s eyebrow angle became.
‘Ahhhhh… What do I do…’
After agonizing, I roughly answered, “Huh? Sojin noona told me to come…”
But despite my effort to answer, Seongheon hyung’s expression didn’t change. Just from that, I could tell. That he was bitter because I’d been ignoring his calls.
Normally, as soon as our eyes met, he’d have been eager to approach and hug me, but Seongheon hyung quietly entered and approached me with slow steps.
I had nothing to say about hyung’s changed attitude either.
Recently, after finals ended, I’d seen Seongheon hyung’s car parked at the school’s front gate. At that time, I slipped out the back gate and went home, and when Seongheon hyung came to visit my house, I’d run away to Dongwoo’s house for no reason or hide out in the farmhouse attached to the orchard playing mobile games.
Since I so blatantly avoided him, Seongheon hyung must be very tired and irritated by now. So I understood this lukewarm reunion now, but seeing hyung’s blunt attitude, the area around my chest felt like I had a stomach disease, throbbing painfully.
‘Now that I’m actually seeing his face… why does he feel so unfamiliar?’
Right now, I had grievances with hyung too, and there were things I’d done, and maybe because I wasn’t ready to accept hyung’s other side, the desire to avoid him was stronger than the feeling of being glad to see him.
Before I knew it, Seongheon hyung’s shadow had completely covered my face, and under that oppressive weight, words didn’t come out well.
“…H-hyung, I’ll get going now.”
I tried to stand up awkwardly, but hyung grabbed my shoulder. The hand that pressed me down was filled with strength.
“Sit.”
Thud.
My legs were weak, but I didn’t expect my body to collapse and be seated from just one touch of Seongheon hyung’s hand.
I hadn’t known because hyung’s hand wrapping around my waist when hugging me normally was light as a feather. I newly realized that if he put his mind to it and applied force, it was strong enough that I couldn’t resist. Though we were both men, it felt like we were on different levels.
The exercise equipment I was currently sitting on was a chest press for chest exercises, a machine you trained with by pushing forward the levers set up on both sides.
After removing his hand from my shoulder, Seongheon hyung firmly gripped the levers on both sides of my body and leaned his upper body toward me. Truly trapped within his arms, hyung’s dark shadow loomed over my face.
‘I-I need to run…’
I wanted to narrow my shoulders as much as possible and slip out under his arm, but I couldn’t change direction because of hyung’s leg that had come between my knees. If hyung really decided to hold out like this, I couldn’t escape from this spot.
And why was his face so close—even when I turned my head, it was hard to ignore my reflection in hyung’s eyes.
“Daeyoung.”
“U-uh? …Yes? Hyung. What?”
Flustered, formal speech popped out without me knowing.
“When someone calls you, you should look at them.”
“You’re too close…”
“Even so.”
At Seongheon hyung’s demand, I looked up with my head pulled back as far as possible.
Hyung’s eyes were light brown, so if you looked closely, the iris was transparent enough to be seen clearly. If you focused on hyung’s black pupils like a focal point, your mind would be completely stolen as if bewitched by something.
Before I knew it, I had calmed down and was calmly meeting hyung’s eyes. Looking at each other silently like that, we slowly read each other’s emotions. Perhaps realizing that I was focusing entirely on him alone, Seongheon hyung smiled gently.
Hyung is smiling.
Just that alone somehow made my mood start to lift strangely.
“Our Daeyoung didn’t answer my calls and wouldn’t meet me even when I went to his house, so I was so worried. Did something happen?”
“…No, just. I was a bit busy.”
“Because of what?”
“It’s kind of hard to say…”
“Are you really not going to tell me?”
Looking at Seongheon hyung gripping the lever firmly, it seemed I couldn’t push him and escape. The difference in our physiques felt like a difference in strength.
I realized once more here. That I shouldn’t carelessly talk back to hyung.
When I lowered my eyes and avoided his gaze, hyung removed his hands from the lever and stood upright. Thinking he was going to let me go now, I tried to stand up, but hyung was still standing right in front of me, looking down at me with a dark gaze.
I’d seen a similar look before—it was when my older brother looked at me. Daesu hyung sometimes looks down at me with that expression when thinking ‘How should I work this bastard?’
Of course, I didn’t conclude that Seongheon hyung was thinking that inside, but at least having met this gaze, I couldn’t add positive thoughts.
When I tried to stand up slightly, hyung bent his upper body again and gripped the levers with both hands. I sat properly on the equipment again and looked up cautiously, but hyung didn’t readily open his mouth, as if choosing what to say.
The corners of Seongheon hyung’s lips were always slightly raised, so I thought he normally had a smiling face, but seeing it in such an atmosphere gave me chills in a different way.
‘Even when smiling, he seems angry…’
Pressed by that momentum, I mumbled and quietly let out an apology.
Before, I would’ve been like ‘Hyung, what’s wroooong─’ while tapping his chest a few times acting cute, but the tiger on hyung’s back kept bothering me.
With the threatening feeling that he’d devour me, I passively mumbled then shut my mouth tight again. I must have been quite shocked back then.
“Daeyoung.”
At hyung’s voice calling me again, I slowly raised my head and cautiously met his gaze.
“Did hyung, do something wrong to our Daeyoung?”
Does he not know?
He deceived me about the game server, pretended to be kind and good in front of me while hiding his real self, and if I listed all the times he’d teased me, staying up all night wouldn’t be enough.
But right now, I didn’t really want to talk with Seongheon hyung. First, I had to pretend not to know about the game while getting revenge, and since I’d received half-hearted apologies each time for being teased, bringing it up now felt petty.
And not being able to accept Seongheon hyung’s true self was my problem—in fact, treating a friend’s younger brother kindly wasn’t a sin. Rather, maybe hyung hid his scary side because I was a friend’s younger brother.
So thinking it would be better to quickly escape this situation, I slightly shook my head. In this state of mind, even if Seongheon hyung gently persuaded me, it wouldn’t be resolved.
“No, nothing.”
“Then why?”
“Why what?”
“Daeyoung always hugged me saying you were happy whenever you saw hyung, clung to me asking to play, even said you’d live with me. But have you already changed your mind?”
“I just said that.”
“You just said it? I had high expectations though.”
“Why would you expect something like that…”
Past conversations with hyung were nothing more than a kid saying ‘I want to live with hyung when I grow up!’ and him going ‘Yeah! Our Daeyoung is fun to tease and cute, so let’s live together or whatever.’ Indeed, having serious conversations with Seongheon hyung always had jokes underlying them, so I shouldn’t take them at face value.
“Stop with those jokes, hyung.”
“Jokes?”
“Yeah.”
“What’s a joke?”
“Telling me to be a housekeeper while living together, what else is that but a joke…”
“I said it lightly, but it’s not a joke, it’s sincere.”
“Forget it. You’d take me home, make me do housework to your heart’s content, and laugh about it being fun behind my back with the hyungs.”
“I didn’t say it with that meaning, okay? Daeyoung. Hyung really cherishes and likes you.”
“So what if you do? You teased me so much… Hng…”
“You didn’t answer my calls because I teased you? We resolved it each time though.”
“That’s not all…”
“Then why?”
“Just, I had personal circumstances.”
“Circumstances? What circumstances?”
“I’m not saying.”
“If you don’t say, I won’t move?”
“I want to go home, move aside.”
Even when I pulled at Seongheon hyung’s arms gripping the levers, hyung stood firm.
“What were the circumstances? You’ve never ignored me like this before. It doesn’t seem like you’re simply sulking… I haven’t played any pranks recently either.”
Quick-witted too. But hyung didn’t confess until the end about deceiving me with the game server. That’s why I couldn’t trust him more.
“Even if we didn’t see each other’s faces for a month or two, we were fine.”
“…”
Well, back then hyung must have been busy playing without me. Every phone call when I asked to play games together, he ignored all my words.
Thinking back, I realized anew how much I’d desperately clung to hang out with the hyungs. The hyungs just don’t think of me as more than kkakdugi…
“Move aside.”
“Daeyoung.”
“Move, hyung.”
“Look at me.”
“I said move aside.”
“…Daeyoung. Just once.”
When Seongheon hyung sighed, his faint breath slightly swayed my bangs. It seemed like there was a faint smell of cigarettes too. I’d never seen hyung smoke cigarettes though… As expected, Seongheon hyung had so many sides I didn’t know.
I don’t know why the emotional gap deepens every time I see Seongheon hyung’s new side. It’s like the feeling when your best friend you thought you knew better than anyone tells their secrets to people around them excluding you. Was I the only one who thought you were my best friend? Exactly that feeling.
