# Chapter 7
“Your fever is high. Stay still.”
When I opened my eyes, Wimu was there, admonishing me with a sigh-laced voice. My body was burning with fever, and I wasn’t in my right mind. Through my hazy vision, I could see Jiman preparing bandages.
“Why is everyone here? Where’s Kadilen?”
My voice was cracked and sounded awful even to my own ears. Wimu must have felt the same, as his face wrinkled immediately upon hearing me.
“Is that what’s important right now?”
“Your body is a mess. Lower your voice.”
Jiman stopped Wimu, who was speaking with a flare of anger. I wanted to make some joke about Wimu’s rough tone, but my throat was blocked, and I couldn’t continue. The ceiling was spinning. With each exhaled breath, my lungs burned, and I felt hot air filling my face.
“What on earth is Kadilen thinking…”
This time, both Jiman and I remained silent. We couldn’t bring ourselves to explain the situation to Wimu, who was speculating about Kadilen’s intentions in his muttering. It was too much to handle the suspicion or questions he might unconsciously express after hearing my story. Kadilen’s thoughts about the curse would soon be conveyed directly to Wimu through his own mouth anyway. After all, he was Kadilen’s most trusted person.
What would Wimu think when he heard that? As my body deteriorated, useless thoughts kept coming. This is why kindness without compensation is frightening. When it disappears, you can’t even demand it back. I wanted to either send Wimu away or fall back asleep before I started babbling nonsense in my fevered state.
“There’s nothing to worry about. This isn’t even a real injury. Back in my day, on the battlefield…”
“That’s enough.”
I tried to lighten the mood, concerned about Wimu’s troubled expression, but he wrinkled his face even more and covered my eyes with his large hand.
“Just get more sleep.”
“How can I sleep when my eyes feel so constricted like this?”
Wimu finally smiled a little, withdrew his hand from me, and checked various things about my condition with Jiman. Jiman reassured him that the wound wasn’t that deep. After listening to all the explanations and extracting multiple reassurances from Jiman that I would recover soon, I heard Wimu leaving the room. After he left and Jiman placed a cold wet towel on my forehead, I drifted back to sleep in the quiet surroundings.
* * *
The private training with Kadilen was temporarily postponed until I fully recovered. Even after my body had completely healed, I pretended to still be sick, trying to delay direct encounters with him as much as possible. I was worried that he might have felt the emotions I had while stroking his eye area before losing consciousness. If that were true, it would be a dark history not sufficiently erased even by kicking off the blankets every night.
Jiman let me act spoiled as much as I wanted. He probably wanted to avoid me getting into more troublesome situations or Kadilen conducting excessive training. Days passed with no interaction with people except receiving treatment from Jiman and occasionally seeing Wimu who visited my room. During that time, I had various thoughts but couldn’t find a way to explain to Kadilen that my body was in terrible condition, unlike the previous Ludin. I doubted he would easily accept my excuses, having confirmed it clearly during our last private training.
“This bead, is there no way to vomit it back up?”
“What?”
“Since I’ve been to the bathroom frequently afterward, it might have already come out.”
Jiman turned his eyes away from me as if I were pathetic.
“You just cursed me in your mind, didn’t you?”
“Since I cannot tell you lies, I’ll refrain from speaking.”
I could see the corner of Jiman’s mouth twitching as he slightly turned away.
When I was bedridden after being wounded by Kadilen’s sword, Jiman treated me methodically without any fuss. At such times, he truly seemed born to be a doctor. With his round eyes that made him look innocent, he was surprisingly strong with his long limbs and tall stature. When he firmly held me with his strong grip and calmly took necessary measures while I couldn’t get my bearings, he sometimes looked different.
“Honestly, I’m completely healed.”
“I know.”
“Then why are you indulging me?”
At my question, Jiman glanced at me briefly and then returned to his task. He was refining the medicine I needed and organizing it by purpose for ready use.
“I feel suffocated staying only in the room.”
“Would you like to go for a walk?”
I nodded and raised my stiff body. It felt refreshing to throw off my indoor clothes after so long. It had been too difficult being confined to my room as a sick person, avoiding Kadilen without even getting a breath of fresh air. Jiman naturally slipped emergency medicine into my pocket. Having finally adapted somewhat to Ludin’s weak body, I listened familiarly to Jiman’s explanations about how to use the medicine.
The night wind blew cold as we went outside. Jiman was a bit worried, but I waved my hands, telling him to go back inside. Ludin’s already terrible body couldn’t get much worse from a little cold wind anyway. The temple, without a single lamp, was filled with dense darkness befitting its mountain location. With each slow step, only the soft sound of my shoes scraping against the dirt ground could be heard. Hunching against the wind, I walked wherever my feet took me, trying to clear my mind.
From far away, I heard the cry of a wild animal. As I stopped walking and waited for the howling to end, I suddenly felt a presence behind me. Someone was following me with a much slower pace than mine. I thought it might be Jiman, but I was too afraid to look back, fearing it might be other soldiers… or him.
As I quickened my pace to return to my room, a low voice soon held me back.
“Your recovery was slow.”
Despite trying not to, my head turned automatically. Hair illuminated by moonlight emitted a faint glow. I just closed my eyes for a moment as a strong wind blew, but Kadilen had instantly approached right in front of me.
“The night is deep. Where are you going?”
Though it was nothing special, I suddenly felt offended. Knowing how suspicious Ludin must appear in his eyes, it was hardly pleasant to receive such unwarranted suspicion. Though his question was calmly delivered, I felt my mood plummeting.
When I kept my mouth shut, Kadilen began to slowly prowl around me again. I felt tense, like prey being cornered, yet thought how well he suited the night. The pitch-black darkness somewhat veiled my gaze and emotions, allowing me to stare directly at his face more than ever before.
“I just thought I’d go for a walk.”
In the end, I was the one who broke the uncomfortable silence. Though I tried not to be conscious of it, I couldn’t help but recall the last moment I faced him. The sword swung without hesitation and the sticky blood. But more vivid than the wound from the blade were his two eyes, as dark as the night. As my thoughts reached that point, I awkwardly tried to hide my emotions. The bead of his that had heated my insides suddenly felt strange. I needed to think about something else. But with darkness everywhere I looked, it wasn’t easy to divert my attention from his eyes.
“I know it’s impolite, but there’s something I want to confirm.”
After pacing for a while, he carefully spoke up. Already desperately needing something to divert my attention, I failed to notice his strangely hesitant atmosphere and hastily replied.
“What is it?”
I could feel him hesitating momentarily, though he hadn’t wavered even when swinging his sword at me. Just as I sensed something was wrong and tried to retreat, Kadilen abruptly approached to a distance not even ten centimeters away.
Startled, I raised my hands to block something that wasn’t even falling, but Kadilen only came right up to my face with a confused expression, without harming me. Not knowing what was happening, I wanted to ask him about the situation, but his damned two eyes were perfectly fixed on me.
Kadilen hesitated a little, then tilted his head and bent his waist, coming close enough to touch my face. His gaze was still fixed on me. As his face drew closer, I stepped back, momentarily dizzy, and prayed that the sound of my wildly beating heart wouldn’t reach his ears. I tried to grit my teeth, but I couldn’t help my heart trembling at his perfect face, which had approached close enough for me to feel his breath as I lowered my eyes.
Seeing me backing away, Kadilen quietly retreated. An indescribable emotion settled on his face. Though I hadn’t moved vigorously, I was out of breath. I barely calmed my still-pounding heart and bit my lip in anxiety. Did he know everything? To what extent, and how much?
“Why…?”
He asked me with a seemingly complex and flustered voice. Though I didn’t know exactly what he was asking, my mind automatically worked to find an excuse. As if he had never approached so closely, he now just stood quietly far away from me. I needed to say something to prevent the atmosphere from becoming even stranger, but my mind went completely blank.
He had asked for a reason, but showed no sign of waiting for my answer. He merely observed me with a confused face, deeply contemplating something. Though I tried hard to find appropriate words, I failed miserably and chose to flee. Even as I hurriedly left, he didn’t particularly try to stop me. Despite wandering the short distance several times, I finally reached my room, only to collapse weakly on the spot as soon as I opened the door.
The feelings of respect and gratitude instantly changed to affection upon facing him, so beautifully alive. It wasn’t unexpected. I just didn’t know this feeling would become a problem.
* * *
I avoided Kadilen much more meticulously than before. This time, avoiding him felt easier than I’d expected. But as the unexpectedly easy situation continued to occur, I began to suspect that he was also avoiding me. Though he knew I had recovered enough to handle private training, he never called for me separately.
While I felt relieved, my heart was also heavy. The situation was becoming increasingly tangled, and I was finding it difficult to judge what actions would be right. I only wanted to save his life, yet he became convinced that I harbored both a curse that would harm the temple and feelings toward him. Those contradictory convictions seemed to have confused him even more. After suspecting me of being a human weapon sent by Zendal, he had shown a cold demeanor in trying to unravel me with a clear purpose, but now it was evident that even he couldn’t find a definitive answer to the situation.
For my part, I pondered ways to resolve this situation. First, I called Jiman and asked if there was truly no way to remove this bead permanently. If Kadilen continued to be able to sense my emotions, awkward situations would keep occurring. But as far as Jiman knew, only Kadilen would know that method. It was a desperate situation for me.
After trying to utilize the situation as positively as possible, my conclusion was to devise a strategy that would be honest about my feelings while pulling him away from rebellion. If Kadilen was bound to know all the emotions I felt, I had no choice but to find a way to prevent his rebellion without hiding them. But what kind of method could that be?
After avoiding him for days, I deliberately went near the building where he stayed to find some solution. Kadilen used a room in the same building as the other soldiers. Even though I was merely observing from a distance, suspicious gazes followed me. I felt once again that Kadilen was the most important person to everyone in this temple. It probably didn’t sit well with them to see the crazy Ludin spying on their master. Judging the situation unfavorable, I tried to quietly retreat, but one soldier who had particularly shown disapproving glances at Ludin’s every move caught me as I tried to slip away.
“Where are you going?”
“Isn’t it freedom to walk around?”
Though I tried to confront him confidently, I became a bit scared when the man, much bigger than me, made a grim face. Even though nothing had happened yet, the commotion quickly grew, and people gathered around. I was flustered and tried to pull my arm free from his grip, but that action seemed to provoke him further.
“Why are you trying to run away?”
“When did I…!”
As my voice rose slightly, tension was felt from various directions. I hid my flustered appearance and tried to defuse the situation before it escalated.
“I was just watching to see when Kadilen would come out.”
“Why do you care about that?”
But he frowned more deeply, as if he couldn’t understand.
“To ask if there’s personal training. Is there a problem?”
Though I tried to speak strongly, the soldiers who had gathered around seemed more sensitive than usual. While they had let Ludin’s other pranks pass with subtle retribution, messing with Kadilen was a different matter. The soldier holding me pushed my body roughly. As I was thrown to the floor, cursing Ludin’s annoyingly weak body, a threatening dagger came to the nape of my neck before I could defend myself.
“I don’t care if you’re royalty or whatever. I can overlook childish pranks, but when it comes to Master Kadilen…”
“What commotion is this?”
Before he could finish his sentence, Kadilen’s door opened. The disorderly scene in front of the door was instantly arranged. Kadilen’s gaze fixed on me, pitifully slumped on the floor. The man with the dagger backed away from me, somewhat embarrassed, but still did not withdraw his eyes full of hatred.
Kadilen seemed to understand the situation and slowly walked out of his room. One soldier explained the circumstances as if making excuses, but he ignored it and stood between the soldier and me. His delicately extended body blocked the threatening eyes. My body, stiff with tension, relaxed, and inevitably, my heart leaned toward him. He surely must have felt my trembling. Kadilen, after dispersing the soldiers and turning to me, frowned.
“What a vicious scheme. From what I can briefly sense, it’s almost as if…”
He didn’t continue and wrinkled his face even more. Contempt settled in his eyes as he looked down at me as if viewing something disgusting. Seeing that, I could understand the conclusion he had reached after days of confusion. Kadilen was regarding my feelings for him as a trick. I couldn’t tell if this was a good thing or not.
“You must not die yet.”
He knelt on one knee in front of me where I was slumped and lifted my chin with his cold hand. My forcibly raised head directly received the pouring anger. His eyes were filled with disgust, as if barely tolerating something filthy he wanted to remove immediately.
That was the reason he saved me from the soldiers’ threats. He couldn’t let me die. To him, I was a bomb containing a curse that would only explode upon my death.
