# Chapter 5
When I opened my eyes, my body felt incredibly heavy. Perhaps because there were many things weighing on my mind, Ludin’s body was unable to endure and was slowly crumbling. With each passing day, I felt like I was standing on a tower that was subtly collapsing. Even knowing it would eventually crumble completely, I had to precariously stand at the top and keep my eyes on the target.
Last night was the worst time since entering the Kingdom of Zendal, but every minute and second was precious to me. If Ludin’s illness progressed faster than expected and he died before Kadilen’s rebellion, I would deeply regret every moment I had wasted. I gathered my strength, thinking of Kadilen’s face. After getting up with my heavy body, putting on clothes and going outside, Wimu was sitting silently in front of the door.
“You’re there without making a sound.”
“I have a lot to say.”
Wimu, who was looking at me with a sigh, paused.
“Your complexion doesn’t look good.”
“It’s nothing.”
At my immediate response, Wimu looked at me quietly. His eyes seemed to be examining me, or perhaps curious. When I didn’t add any words and just met his gaze, he set aside his suspicions and continued speaking.
“I know this might be uncomfortable, but I want to hear about what happened yesterday.”
“What incident.”
I deliberately feigned ignorance to show I didn’t want to talk about it, which made Wimu frown. I prepared myself for a barrage of nagging and tried to change the subject, but Wimu fell into silence as if choosing his words carefully. However, his quietness didn’t last long.
“I stayed patient when you dropped all the shields in the river, when you broke all the arrows, when you drank alcohol in the middle of the courtyard. But this is different.”
“What’s different about it?”
“Did you not know the meaning of the candles?”
Now it was my turn to be at a loss for words. Wimu didn’t look reproachful. His frustrated expression revealed a heart that required sincerity. Looking at his eyes, I understood. He believed in Ludin. Despite years of insane behavior, grim rumors, and nonsensical excuses, Wimu couldn’t let go of Ludin.
“I knew. Kadilen told me about it.”
I needed to help him let go of Ludin. This was an issue unrelated to him. There was no need for Wimu to become a sacrificial lamb for Ludin’s intention to pass the throne to Luan, or for my intention to save Kadilen. He should simply make his own choices and live his life. Even if I revealed everything honestly, he would fall into deep contemplation as Kadilen’s right-hand man, and above all, Ludin would soon disappear anyway.
“I can’t believe that.”
“It’s true. I knew what those candles were. And knowing made me want to destroy them even more.”
Wimu lowered his head. I couldn’t quite imagine how he felt watching Ludin behave so recklessly. It was especially hard to understand when he painfully dropped his head and covered his eyes. How much did Wimu believe in Ludin? How far would he trust him? Even if Ludin had truly gone mad, would Wimu still believe in him?
As he slowly ran his hand through his hair, he let out a deep sigh. Since he always yielded to me despite my willful behavior, I was a little afraid as his sigh grew longer. But when I stubbornly remained standing in my spot, he bit his lip.
“If that’s all you wanted to ask, I’m leaving.”
Trying to act cool, I turned to leave, but a strong hand firmly grabbed my arm. My body lost balance and was instantly pulled toward him. Despite his desperate eyes, Wimu asked in a subdued voice.
“Are you serious?”
Momentarily surprised by the sudden change in his tone, I was firmly held by him as I staggered, and he demanded an answer again.
“For the sake of our past friendship. Please.”
Though I didn’t know why his eyes were so earnest, I had to grit my teeth to answer. They had been close friends in the past. Until Zendal became king and Ludin entered the royal family. As far as I knew, Wimu had never spoken informally to Ludin since that day.
“I’m serious.”
The answer finally escaped my clenched mouth. Wimu’s hand slipped and fell. Even as I stumbled away from him, he didn’t move, looking greatly disappointed. I barely tore my gaze away from him and walked in any direction.
If asked whether this was truly the right action, I could confidently assert that my decision was correct. But it was true that Wimu’s final expression troubled me. He always nagged me with righteous words while constantly watching my actions and taking care of me in advance, which made it even more difficult.
Such situations could occur more frequently in the future. What I needed to remember was that even though Wimu cared for Ludin, he was Kadilen’s man. Kadilen’s right-hand man, known to everyone in this world. It was a different issue from Wimu sincerely wanting to help Ludin. Wimu could be in danger, or I could be in danger.
As I frantically fled from him, I found myself at the edge of the temple walls. Suddenly, the endless mountain ridges visible beyond the low wall seemed stifling. Though not much time had passed since I arrived here, it was enough to understand the basic routine. The temple, which had only felt spacious, and despite still having many buildings with unknown identities, gave me the feeling of constricting my body suffocatingly.
As I looked at the dense green trees everywhere my eyes could reach, suddenly my breath stopped. I could almost hear Wimu’s voice asking if I was serious, and soon my waist bent over involuntarily.
“Huh-uck.”
The medicine was in the room. Gasping, I tried to force myself to breathe, raising my head, but no matter how far I expanded my vision, all I could see were mountains. Mountains. Had I ever felt so acutely that this place was deep in the mountains? My breath stopped, and my knees buckled.
Even though my fingernails were scraped raw from clawing at the ground, my unstable breathing didn’t return. It seemed easier to just lose consciousness. As I was deliberately trying to let go of my fading awareness, someone gently pressed my shoulder and laid me down on the floor. My body, which was already slumped, slowly sprawled out on the stone floor. When did he get so close? It was clearly Kadilen’s scent, but my vision was blurry, and I couldn’t be sure.
“Just close your eyes.”
Silver hair fell softly onto my nape. Cold fingers touched the edge of my chin and then carefully moved down to my chest. His hand rested on my irregularly heaving chest and moved slowly, and before I could match my breathing to the gentle hand stroking my lungs, his slender fingers entered my mouth.
“Urgh.”
Even though I was startled and tried to gag, Kadilen continued to pour something into my mouth. A small bead-like object traveled down my throat into my stomach, and the sensation of the hot bead swimming in my belly felt strange. The breath I didn’t know I was holding suddenly flowed out, followed by coughing. But soon my breathing stabilized, and as my vision cleared, I realized Kadilen’s face was barely ten centimeters away.
“*Cough*, I’m, I’m fine now.”
“Your breathing stopped.”
“Thanks to you, I survived. I don’t know what I ate, though.”
“It was my bead.”
Kadilen’s bead. It was his training condensed into the form of droplets for storage. Though the exact efficacy or method of use wasn’t known, it was famous that various regional royalty and nobility offered all sorts of treasures to obtain his beads, but he never sold them. And that just went into my stomach…?
“Is it okay to eat this??”
“You said you survived thanks to it…”
“Still, hey, using this bead so carelessly!”
Kadilen looked at me indifferently. Seeing eyes with no trace of concern made me feel strange. How could he have such emotionless eyes after willingly giving me his priceless bead to save me when I was about to stop breathing completely?
Speechless and staring blankly at him, I was quietly lifted by Kadilen. Though my legs were still a bit shaky, he was supporting me, so I didn’t fall right away. My heart fluttered anew as I had never been this close to him before. But at the same time, I recalled his gaze. The loving eyes of Wimu and Jiman who watched from afar, compared to his cold eyes even as he reached out to save my life. The fluttering in my heart slowly cooled.
“I’m calm now.”
It was merely an act of kindness born from a sense of justice, nothing more. As I carefully pushed him away and tried to return to my room, Kadilen lightly held me back.
“Where are you going in that condition?”
“I’m fine now, aren’t I?”
“When breathing stops, it means the body is not well.”
“It was just for a moment.”
“Death is also momentary.”
Death. The word from his lips reminded me of last night’s events. Yes, the reason he doesn’t care for me was all too clear. I had done many things hoping for that too. It wasn’t Kadilen’s fault. Perhaps his honest words to me in front of the candles yesterday was a great kindness from him. From his perspective, I was the one who trampled on his kindness.
And for both me and him, death had various meanings. Even setting aside the fact that I would soon die, I had to keep him as far away from death as possible. He quietly watched me as I lost my words, momentarily lost in thought. In his eyes, I could see the flickering of countless candles that would still be brightly illuminating buildings somewhere over there. As I was wondering if I should apologize, Kadilen spoke first.
“You’ve been short of breath frequently these days.”
It seems he had been observing me just as much as I had been observing him. It’s understandable since hiding labored breathing during training wasn’t easy. Since he wasn’t always looking my way, I thought he wouldn’t notice or would think it happened only once or twice. I quickly thought about how to answer.
“You know my stamina is low.”
“That’s what I thought at first.”
It was a suspicious answer. Then what about now?
“I will ask Jiman for details.”
“Why are you asking him about me?”
“Because I cannot expect an honest answer from you.”
He answered casually. But to me, it was shocking news. Kadilen thinks I’m hiding something. He also somewhat guessed that I wouldn’t be honest. I had no way of knowing how he came to think this way. But if this situation continued, it would cause a major problem for me. Kadilen not having affection for me wouldn’t hinder my efforts to save his life, but if he considered all my words as lies, it would greatly disrupt my plans.
“Why do you think that? Is there anyone as crazy as me? I have nothing to hide anymore.”
“You’re driving yourself into a state where you have nothing to lose. Even if it’s by choice, one naturally wonders why. I’ve wanted to confirm this since you entered the temple.”
In front of Kadilen speaking so calmly, I was simply frozen.
“But it’s not my place to press for answers, so I’m just planning to ask Jiman about your physical condition for confirmation.”
“…Do as you please.”
Though I spoke carelessly, like a passing breeze, goosebumps covered my body. Kadilen has noticed something. After saving me, who tried to bury the spirits sacrificed for him under dirt, he’s suspicious about my physical condition. He thinks I have some ulterior motive for entering the temple. Since he believes asking me would be useless, he plans to confirm his suspicions with Jiman, starting with the most suspicious aspects. And he tells me all of this. What should I do?
There wasn’t much to consider. First, I needed to silence Jiman.
