# Chapter 44
The slow cello sound stretched, gripping the air. Devan endured the darkness alone with his eyes closed for quite a while. He was someone who matched darkness better than anyone else. That’s why the slight trembling of his hands wet with tension and the distinct pain seeping through each movement were unfamiliar to me. Even when the performance finally ended, he couldn’t bring himself to open his eyes and approached me as if collapsing. His breath grew increasingly rough as he buried his face in my shoulder.
“What’s this… are you crying?”
“No.”
Despite his low voice of denial, there was a faint trace of tears in it. I stiffened in place, waiting for Devan’s breathing to calm. I simultaneously wanted to push him away and run outside, while also wanting to stroke his back and comfort his sadness. I wanted to scold him for crying while spitting curses, while also wanting to wipe his tears and share in his sorrow. Knowing that whatever choice I made, I couldn’t erase the other side, I just quietly waited for this moment to pass.
As the second piece of music began, Devan finally raised his head. His eyes were as bloodshot as my shoulder was wet. He looked excessively thin since our last meeting when we raised our voices over the opportunity to treat the disease. His facial features had become sharper with his increasingly slender face.
“I missed you.”
Devan’s voice cracked roughly. I knew that he too had been reduced to ashes just as I had burned. Because the moments of cursing me would have been hell for him as well. Devan had taken many things from me. That was his choice, and my choice, and in the end, all that remained for us was the pile of ashes created by both of us.
“What you wanted was originally yours.”
Devan’s eyes widened at the truth that spilled out. Seeing his broken appearance, my heart instead settled calmly. Calmly enough for difficult words to flow easily. Devan’s hands holding me trembled. His face was covered in deep shadows. I spoke impassively.
“Because I liked you.”
It was true. Through him, I smiled for the first time and felt protected. I liked how he aggressively pushed others away but became uneasy in front of my wounds, and how he didn’t forcibly dig deeper into my unhappy stories. In front of Devan, I didn’t need to make any effort. No need to become a better person, no need to make sacrifices.
“Yet neither you nor I have gained anything, only lost.”
A relationship where we hurt each other and beg each other for forgiveness. Now with only an irreversible past remaining, the tears flowing from his eyes were once mine. Embracing our own wounds, we could never wipe away each other’s tears. I stopped blaming him.
“I can change it.”
Devan spoke urgently. His grip on my arm was so strong that my face instinctively grimaced. I shook off his hand with all my might. Though it was a reflexive response to pain, Devan’s face was instantly colored with despair.
“There’s no need to change it.”
Despite my firm words, Devan kept desperately grasping at the empty space where I had been, like someone continuously falling somewhere. Afraid he might lose his mind, I squeezed through the crowd and left the banquet hall. I looked around for Rio, but the child was still nowhere to be seen, probably still admiring the water fountain. Just as Devan, who had followed me, opened his mouth to say something more.
“Stop it. What do you think you’re doing?”
“Jiman?”
My face brightened at the unexpected appearance. Devan stared blankly at me. Jiman, uncharacteristically with a grim face, blocked the space between Devan and me. Having seen me collapse several times after arguments with him, Jiman’s aggressive attitude wasn’t incomprehensible. But not wanting to create problems due to misunderstanding the current situation, I hastily made excuses to him.
“It’s not like that. We were just talking.”
However, Jiman gritted his teeth as he saw the clear marks of Devan’s hand on my arm.
“Leave him alone. I won’t stand by and watch him get swept up by you anymore.”
Devan, momentarily frozen, let out a hollow laugh. He brushed back his hair with veined hands. Seeing his already sharp gaze becoming sharper, I swallowed.
“Say that again.”
“I said, leave him alone.”
“Is that really what you want?”
“All I want is Ludin’s happiness.”
Jiman calmly answered the coldly thrown question. But Devan looked at him with a sharp laugh, as if finding him amusing. It was clearly mockery.
“Don’t lie.”
“What did you say?”
A dagger flashed in Jiman’s hand, who had flared up, though I couldn’t tell when he had drawn it. I approached to stop them both. Devan glanced at the hand holding the dagger and raised the corner of his mouth even more.
“What makes you any different? You want to save him for your own peace of mind, don’t you?”
A brief silence followed while Jiman, momentarily at a loss for words, couldn’t find anything to say. I gently shook his arm, urging him to return to the room quickly. However, as if my action had further provoked Devan, he taunted Jiman even more coldly.
“Don’t act high and mighty. Did you think I wouldn’t know you’ve been secretly making medicine for Ludin behind his back?”
“…Watch your words. You’re only accumulating more karma.”
Devan, who had perfectly regained his composure, slowly moved his steps. Approaching Jiman closely, he stared at his face without blinking once and recited words that sounded like a pledge.
“Just because you’re atoning doesn’t mean I’ll let him go. You’re all the same, and I have no intention of handing him over.”
“What on earth are you talking about?”
“Even if you beg for forgiveness, I’ll be the one to hold on and beg. I don’t have the sick taste for sharing the person I love in turns.”
“Ha…”
Despite Jiman’s sigh, Devan maintained a gentle smile. He whispered to Jiman one last time.
“If even the king can’t have him, what makes you think you can?”
He looked down disparagingly at the dagger in Jiman’s hand. Soon, with a light gesture from Devan, the knife instantly flew to the end of the corridor. The sound of metal colliding with marble echoed coldly through the empty corridor.
* * *
I had to admit it. I couldn’t tell Rio, but attending the banquet had been the worst choice. I had to break a sweat trying to calm Jiman, who immediately lunged at Devan after losing his dagger. It might have been impossible if Rio hadn’t appeared with a bright smile right after Devan disappeared with his black clothes fluttering. When I returned to the room with the two of them, I was completely drained of energy.
Jiman, still unable to subdue his anger, had sharp eyes but kindly checked my bedding. Devan’s words about him secretly making medicine behind my back echoed in my ears, but it wasn’t something to bring up here and now. Whether it was Jiman’s medicine or Kadilen’s bead, I still needed more time to consider. While many parts of me had changed since meeting Rio, I still couldn’t be certain if it had revived my desire for life.
I hated this moment of hesitation in front of yet another choice that had come to me. But as if the world had no intention of leaving me in peace from the start, the situation became increasingly tangled, making matters worse. The next day, while Jiman and Rio were briefly away, I left my room alone to clear my head. After a few steps, an unexpected visitor blocked my way.
“It’s been a while, Ludin.”
It was **NEW: Arzel**. I thought he had returned immediately after yesterday’s banquet ended, but it seemed he was still in the palace. He felt somehow threatening as he greeted me with a smile.
“You seem to find the palace comfortable. I see you’re strolling freely.”
Brushing back his platinum blonde hair, he moved his steps carefully. His snake-like slitted eyes were directly aimed at me. I was confused by the clearly felt hostility that I couldn’t understand. Arzel slowly continued speaking, pretending to contemplate something as he stroked his lips with his hand.
“You’ve always been clever. Thanks to you, I am in this position now.”
His gaze was too cold for someone expressing gratitude. From the novel content I’d read, I couldn’t grasp what grudge Arzel held against Ludin. He was a general who fought against Zendal until the very end, so many changes must have occurred for him to survive until now and aim for a position beside Kadilen. And if Ludin was the reason why he had to change like that, then “thanks to you” was certainly not meant in a good way. It meant I was the cause of him having to abandon his country and bow his head under a stronger power.
“I have business today, so if you have something important to say, please send it by letter.”
I tried to avoid the situation first, not knowing what might happen if I stayed with him any longer. My head was already complicated enough to be sufficiently tired. But Arzel had already blocked the corridor with his large body. I calmly tried to turn back and return to my room, but he pushed me strongly against the wall and laughed loudly.
“Are you running away?”
“That’s not it,”
My gaze, searching for an escape route while prevaricating, turned to the sharp object in his hand. It was a glass shard from somewhere. Arzel rolled the shard around, not caring that small scratches were forming on his hand. Did he have this much resentment towards Ludin? Without knowing the detailed situation, running away was the best option. Just as I was taking a preparatory stance to run at full speed after taking one deep breath.
“Release him.”
With a cold voice, a sword was pointed at Arzel’s neck. The air sank heavily. Arzel let out a shrill laugh despite having his nape exposed. I twisted my body to see the opponent hidden behind his body. Seeing me trying to escape, Arzel grabbed my arm with gleaming eyes, but the sword aimed at him instantly dug into his neck, creating a shallow wound.
“Who are you?”
“If you move one more time, you die here.”
Arzel released me, biting his lip until it bled. The opponent standing behind his back slowly entered my line of sight without lowering his sword. As I opened my mouth to call his name, he hushed me with a silencing sound. Then, with his other hand, he pulled me out of Arzel’s grasp and guided me to himself. Even after confirming I was safe, he did not lower his sword.
“Face the wall. You should consider yourself fortunate to be alive.”
“Whoever you are, if you report to the king, tell him this too. This loyal subject was merely trying to remove His Majesty’s weakness.”
Leaving Arzel who laughed loudly once more, he and I walked out of the corridor. The unpleasant laughter kept following us from behind.
