# Chapter 4
After Kadilen left, Jiman came rushing into the room. With a pale face, he looked more serious than me, the actual patient. Unlike his nervous beginning with various ointments, his treatment was precise and without hesitation. Without realizing it, I found myself quietly observing him as he examined the wound on my shoulder.
He had a cute, well-proportioned face, but he was tall with long, graceful limbs. I wondered how Jiman had become so close to Ludin. Jiman was the only person Ludin trusted, despite having many suspicions and secrets. I had no way of knowing how their relationship began. After a while, Jiman looked up from concentrating on the treatment and our eyes met.
“Um… if you look at me like that…”
“Oh, sorry. Was I disturbing you?”
“No, it’s not that…”
His face reddened.
“How did you get injured like this?”
“While trying to set a fire.”
I tossed the excuse I’d blurted out earlier as a joke to Jiman as well. But his face, which had been sitting there with a reddened complexion, stiffened drastically upon hearing my words.
“Don’t say things like that.”
I was taken aback by his reaction and tried to laugh it off, saying it was just a joke, but the atmosphere was definitely not right.
“Even pretending to be crazy has its limits. Please don’t do anything that might harm yourself. Don’t you know how dangerous fire is?”
“Hey, I said it was just a joke…”
Jiman maintained his rigid expression and unnecessarily tightened the bandage with more force. A small groan escaped from the rough handling, but he pretended not to hear. Watching him pace around the room with an angry appearance even after finishing the treatment, I suddenly became more curious about their relationship. Jiman genuinely cared about Ludin.
“How long have we known each other?”
“It’s been over twenty years.”
“Has it been that long already?”
I tried to respond naturally in a casual manner, but inside I was truly shocked. That long? This was a part completely absent from the novel. It didn’t seem like they had met separately as a royal official and prince after the kingdom was established. I started to probe for more detailed information. Perhaps Jiman could be of great help in achieving my goal. After all, he was completely Ludin’s person.
“The day we first met, where was it again? My memory is a bit fuzzy.”
As I played dumb, Jiman looked at me with a slightly more relaxed face than before.
“You were reading a book.”
“Oh right, that’s correct.”
“You taught me how to read.”
“Yes. You learned quickly.”
While agreeing appropriately and imagining their first meeting, Jiman’s face reddened again at my words. Is this really something to be shy about? Stunned and unable to find anything to say, I went blank, and he lowered his head slightly with a flushed face and said:
“You’re being uncharacteristically kind.”
Wow, so Ludin had been trash even to Jiman, who was perhaps the only person he maintained a good relationship with. If a simple remark like “you learned quickly” from 20 years ago is enough to be called kind. As bleak as the future seemed, I felt a bit sorry for Jiman. Though I’m not naturally very affectionate myself, compared to Ludin, I felt like I could treat him like an angel. Above all, he’s someone who always takes care of me and gets so worked up over even my small wounds!
Jiman seemed a bit cute as he hurriedly gathered the ointments he had brought, perhaps out of embarrassment. Even as he awkwardly left the room, he examined my wound once more with a physician’s posture. He didn’t forget to leave behind ointment to suppress the pain.
* * *
Kadilen’s temple wasn’t extremely large, but it had many hidden rooms in every corner. So far, I had only visited the dining hall, the training yard, and my room, but I had promised myself that someday I would thoroughly search the entire temple. And today was that opportunity.
Today Wimu was going down to the village to buy food and weapons, so I had no individual training. There was also no group training today, and above all, Wimu had been watching my every move carefully for some time, so today with him gone was a golden opportunity to conduct an investigation.
The building I was targeting was located behind the dining hall. This building of unknown purpose didn’t have many people coming in and out, but occasionally I had seen Kadilen entering with a solemn expression. Its appearance was somewhat intimidating, making it difficult to enter easily, and several talisman-like images hung on the windows. The soldiers would walk around the building as if it didn’t exist. However, there was no locked door or fence, so I didn’t think there would be much difficulty in entering.
Still, feeling somewhat guilty, I sat in the dining hall watching the situation through the window, planning to quickly infiltrate the building when no one was in sight. Perhaps because it was a day off, everyone seemed to be resting in their rooms. I had been tense, expecting the dining hall to be bustling around this time, but there were hardly any people. Taking advantage of people engaged in conversation, I exited the dining hall with quick steps. After looking around several times and feeling certain there was absolutely no presence, I used my maximum agility to open the door and enter the building.
At first, there was a very dark corridor.
Nervously going deeper and deeper inside, suddenly a space filled with yellow light appeared. The source of the flowing light was very clear. The space was filled with what looked like well over a hundred candles.
As if entranced, I approached the light. It was a space with nothing but candles. Only the numerous lights filled the room. Distracted by the flickering candles, I didn’t realize there was someone else in the place until I heard a voice from the corner.
“They were once my comrades.”
Kadilen slowly revealed himself before me, who was frozen in shock. When had he come in? I had been observing the building since morning but couldn’t detect him entering. It would make sense if there was an entrance I didn’t know about, or if he had spent the night here since yesterday.
“What does that mean?”
“I gathered these lights thinking of the comrades I’ve lost. Since I was always at war until coming to the temple, I’ve actually lost more people than these lights represent.”
Kadilen’s face, speaking calmly, was obscured by shadows and difficult to see clearly. But when he approached one of the candles, Kadilen’s smile, which I had never seen before, froze me once again. He smiled faintly and brought his hand close to the light.
“In truth, I am not a good warrior. I hid here because I fear sacrifice.”
He was excessively honest. Was Kadilen always like this? Something was making him sentimental. It occurred to me that he might truly have been here all night. The expression always frozen like ice, the expression whose feelings were difficult to gauge, had disappeared, and there was Kadilen, calmly revealing his heart. This place was definitely different for him.
“I don’t want to lose anyone else.”
Unlike his smiling lips, his eyes sank heavily. It was a kind of pain I had never experienced, but there was something I could empathize with. I didn’t want to lose you. Being so overtly afraid of losing someone was something I had never experienced in life. Though he wasn’t expecting an answer, my thoughts immediately passed through my lips.
“Me neither.”
His gaze, which had been directed at the candles, carefully turned to me. He looked somewhat surprised. It was also the first time I had seen him with a surprised expression. I may have spoken too much like a normal person just now. Was it a mistake? Still, I thought that the evil reputation Ludin had carefully built up wouldn’t all disappear with just these few words. Feeling slightly reassured by recalling Ludin’s misconduct, I met Kadilen’s eyes and opened my mouth once more.
“Let’s not lose anyone together.”
An awkward air flowed, and as he looked at me intently, my face almost turned bright red. Suddenly, I came to my senses, and just as I was wondering what on earth I had said, I mumbled some words and hurriedly left the building, leaving him alone. Kadilen, seemingly flustered, didn’t stop me as I blabbered nonsense and backed out of the building. I could feel suspicious glances from some soldiers passing by who saw me coming out of that building. Indeed, it seemed everyone except Ludin knew the identity of this building.
The words I had uttered were surprising to both him and me, but they were all sincere. I didn’t think at all that his fear of sacrifice made him a coward. Rather, I was very glad. I desperately wanted Kadilen not to plan rebellion so that we could avoid losing anyone together. Even if it meant reciting the names of all the loyal soldiers in this temple one by one to Kadilen—annoying as they were—I wanted him to abandon his rebellion out of fear of losing people. Because that was the only way I wouldn’t lose him.
After returning to my room and sinking into various thoughts, it occurred to me that I might be able to utilize that building, which had deep meaning for him. It was an exceptional building for Kadilen, one where even he would honestly open up about himself. These days, I had many concerns about my relationship with Kadilen. I wanted to periodically do things that would disappoint him, while simultaneously hoping he wouldn’t hate me as much as before. It was a wish difficult to fulfill all at once.
After much deliberation, I decided to do something trivial. I would pick flowers from the meadow near the temple and secretly place them in front of the candles. I hoped that Kadilen, who regularly visited the building to pray, would find comfort in his heart seeing the beautiful flowers consoling the spirits of his comrades. I felt at ease thinking it was something minor enough not to arouse suspicion, and ambiguous as to who had done it.
To initiate my plan, I waited until nightfall and then carefully left my room. There was no sign of Kadilen or any other soldiers in the courtyard. Wimu had probably returned from his trip to the village in the morning, but I only hoped he would be too tired from traveling all day to closely observe me.
I tried to find flowers in the meadow near the courtyard, but it wasn’t easy due to the darkness outside. It was fortunate that I discovered a trowel randomly stuck in the middle of the meadow. Though I couldn’t gather many flowers, they might stay fresh until Kadilen’s next visit if I planted them in front of the candles. After completing my preparations, I carefully infiltrated the building. Just as I was crouching down to work with the soil in the trowel, I suddenly heard unhesitant footsteps behind me.
Startled by the sound, I dropped the bunch of flowers. At first, I thought it was Kadilen appearing again. But the footsteps belonged not to one person, but to many. The small amount of flowers was quickly trampled under the feet of dozens of strong men. They were soldiers. They suddenly burst into the building and alternated between looking at me and the candles. Their faces were full of anger.
Someone pressed down on my shoulder, forcing me to kneel. It was a tough and rough touch. The wound on my shoulder that hadn’t yet healed burned with pain. A scream escaped involuntarily, but the soldier who restrained me with a strong hand immediately pressed my neck, instantly controlling even my voice. The situation was difficult to grasp.
People quickly gathered with large torches. Malicious gazes were everywhere. Kneeling without knowing what was happening in this serious atmosphere, my body trembled automatically. The words that I had only meant to place flowers couldn’t even leave my mouth.
“Kadilen, over here.”
I heard someone shouting. Kadilen was about to see me restrained like prey. He walked towards me with a face full of worry.
“I told you before. You said it was fine, but I hid someone just in case. Look. This fellow watched this place all day and then sneaked in at night. What possible reason could he have?”
Kadilen silently listened to the angry soldier’s words. Someone kept pushing my face down, making it difficult to meet his eyes, but I forcibly tried to raise my head. I wanted to see Kadilen’s face. I wanted to confirm what expression he was wearing.
As I struggled to raise my head, Kadilen, who had maintained silence as if gauging the situation, approached me. With one gesture from him, the people binding me quietly backed away. My body, which had been restrained, was still trembling. Kadilen reached out and forcibly lifted my head. It was a very gentle but firm touch.
“What were you doing?”
It was a calm voice inappropriate for the situation. As if he was simply curious about what I was doing. During the brief moment our eyes met, many thoughts crossed my mind.
“…I don’t know.”
That was my answer. I could have said that I wanted to see him smiling in this place, so I was going to leave flowers. Too many thoughts obscured my honest answer. If I said that now, would he believe me? And if by chance he did believe me, wouldn’t that create more problems? Ludin and flowers. There couldn’t be a more mismatched combination. What did I want to do anyway? Looking back, it seemed like an absurdly foolish plan.
“I’ll ask again. What were you doing?”
Kadilen asked again. Strong patience was evident on his face. As if completely disregarding my nonsensical answer, his tone suggested he would wait for my answer anytime. As I moved my lips to say something, an angry voice loudly rang out.
“He was planning to extinguish the candles! I saw him carrying a trowel. He must have been intending to cover the candles with soil!”
Despite hearing this enraged voice, Kadilen kept his gaze fixed on me. Afraid of that persistent gaze waiting for an answer, I forgot what I was going to say. My head was dizzy with various thoughts, but I also felt grateful to that man who provided me with an escape. My feelings weren’t what mattered here. My goal was important. To interfere with his rebellion, it wasn’t yet time to discard the shield of being a madman that Ludin had built up.
“That’s right. That’s what I was trying to do.”
Kadilen, who hadn’t moved, slightly frowned. His hand that had been touching my head was withdrawn. He stepped back from me and maintained silence. My answer greatly provoked the soldiers gathered around. They were shouting with expressions that suggested they would kill me right away. But no sound reached me. I was only watching Kadilen’s lips. My heart was still divided in two. I wanted him to believe my lie, yet at the same time, I wanted him to see through it instantly.
But Kadilen, who had been thinking quietly, turned away silently. He only told the angry soldiers to return to their places, without mentioning me. He didn’t even glance at me, still kneeling on the floor, just hoping for this situation to pass. His back was so chillingly cold that my whole body trembled. Behind the disappearing figure of Kadilen, Wimu was watching me from a distance.
The soldiers, unable to contain their anger, spat at me one by one, kicked stones, and cursed, but soon everyone returned to their rooms. The only person still watching me, trembling and sitting down, was now just Wimu.
He slowly approached me. Taking off his outer garment and wrapping it around me, he sighed softly. I was too dazed to know what to say. Wimu seemed about to speak, but seeing my blank expression, he refrained. He helped me up, but my legs gave way and I soon collapsed. Wimu sighed once more and lifted me up. As we exited the building, the cold wind made me cough. In my current state of mind, I wanted to return to reality regardless of my purpose. I missed my warm home and my parents.
Wimu carefully laid me down in the room and covered me with a blanket. I couldn’t say a word until I heard him leaving. When I heard the sound of the door closing and the room became as quiet as a dead mouse, tears of frustration came out. I tried to hold them back by gritting my teeth, but my exhausted body soon fell asleep.
