# Chapter 36
The expected fall never came. Someone grabbed me with a strong grip. My body, half-submerged in darkness, returned to the light by his strength. But I still kept my eyes closed. I couldn’t easily shake off the momentary impulse and relief, that strange feeling that had captured me.
“Are you crazy?!”
The person who pulled me up shouted. Even after hastily moving me far from the window, he desperately held onto my shoulders as if I might fall again. The hand clutching me trembled.
When I opened my eyes, there was Devan with a face drained of color. Though we had spent a long time together, it had been a while since we faced each other like this. When I faintly smiled, all blood drained from his face.
“You…”
“It’s been a while.”
I greeted him. Devan, who had been adjusting his grip on my shoulders repeatedly, finally pulled me into a tight embrace. His breathing was rough. Even while holding me with all his might, he clutched my back countless times as if confirming my existence. It felt like I had become his lifeline. I was the one who nearly fell, yet Devan was the one desperately clinging to the rope. Seeing him like that made me laugh.
“You were worried.”
“Did you… do it on purpose?”
He asked anxiously, still keeping me imprisoned in his arms.
“Don’t worry. I won’t die like this.”
“What?”
“That would violate our contract.”
Devan slowly loosened his grip that had been constricting me. Our eyes met. Without avoiding his persistent gaze, I spoke whatever came to mind.
“But what now, Devan.”
“…”
“I promised to do everything you asked. But I have nothing more to offer you.”
I knew I wasn’t in my right mind. But I couldn’t stop my mouth from opening recklessly.
“I don’t know what I can do.”
I really don’t know. Neither what I can do, nor what I should do.
After repeatedly muttering the same words, I suddenly raised my head to find Devan still watching me. I thought he was trembling, but now I realized it was my body that was shaking. Devan couldn’t take his eyes off me and wore a distorted expression. It was a familiar expression from my distant memories. The concerned look he had when he first met me on the way to the palace and saw me in pain. Perhaps our ill-fated relationship began with that expression.
If only I hadn’t been comforted by it, if only I hadn’t given him my affection, I would have betrayed him more severely. Then would you have abandoned your affection for me?
Would you have ended everything, mocking me as I cried before Kadilen’s corpse?
It was a meaningless thought. Even knowing that, I continued to imagine different endings. The ongoing imagination eventually returned to the same conclusion. I selfishly saved Kadilen, but now what should I do? What can I do? My endless muttering was abruptly halted by hands urgently shaking my shoulders.
“Snap out of it. Ludin!”
“Huh?”
“Ha…”
Devan’s face was colored with anguish. Seeing my focus return, he lowered his head and clenched his teeth. As I stared at him blankly, sleep finally began to overtake me. For a long time, Devan opened his mouth several times, but closed it again without saying a word. Finally, when my eyelids were half-closed, unable to resist drowsiness, he picked me up.
Being carried by him was familiar. During our time together, Devan disliked me doing anything on my own. Come to think of it, I had promised to do anything for him, but what Devan wanted was for me to do nothing. I naturally found a comfortable position in his arms. Realizing the meaning of my movement, Devan froze in place. I felt him stop, but couldn’t resist sleep any longer and surrendered to it. After that, there was only darkness.
Darkness. That was what Devan had gifted me.
Darkness is infinite. No matter how small the room you’re confined in, if it’s dark, it’s like being trapped in the vast universe. Because in a place where nothing is visible, anything could exist. In that completely black field of vision, I imagined the most distressing things. Every day, I had my throat torn by monsters of my own creation. In the end, the way to survive was to not imagine anything at all. Perfect blackout. After giving up like that, even when seeing light, it was still just pitch-black darkness. My stalled mind, captured by the utter darkness, couldn’t think of anything.
That’s how I learned to escape into darkness. It was no different now. What path I should take for Jiman, how I could return to the reality I lived in without hurting him—all these were questions without answers no matter how much I pondered. Falling asleep in Devan’s arms, I willingly surrendered myself to the darkness that was as familiar as his embrace.
* * *
“Ludin!”
Once again, someone shook me awake forcefully. Reluctantly emerging from sleep, I returned to my right mind. Jiman was urgently calling my name. Seeing his face grow serious, I struggled to sit up.
“You’re awake…”
“You’ve been sleeping all day. You need to eat.”
“Okay…”
I rubbed my eyes, still half-asleep, as I answered. Glancing at the window, I saw that the sun had already set. I had been asleep from last night until this evening. I should have been hungry, but I didn’t feel like eating anything. Still, not wanting to worry Jiman, I got out of bed.
“Ludin. I heard about yesterday.”
“Yesterday? Ah…”
He seemed to be talking about what happened with Devan. No matter how it had been relayed, it wasn’t a situation for Jiman to be concerned about.
“It wasn’t on purpose. It was an accident.”
“Is that true.”
Wondering if he truly doubted me, I looked at Jiman’s face. His eyes were filled with fear.
“…How could I do that to you.”
At my answer, Jiman exhaled in relief as if reassured. I couldn’t confess about the strange feeling I had when my body leaned out the window. For one, I didn’t know what it was, and also because he would obviously worry. I quickly changed the subject, pretending to be interested in the meal.
While changing clothes to go to the dining room, there was a knock at the door. Jiman finished gathering my outdoor clothes and approached the door. Through the slightly opened door, a large silhouette loomed. Wariness clouded Jiman’s eyes as he confirmed who stood outside.
“What brings you here?”
Though scrutinizing the other person with narrowed eyes, Jiman politely bowed. The voice of the person outside the door was too quiet for me to make out their conversation clearly. I finished changing and sat quietly in a chair, waiting for their conversation to end.
“…I understand.”
After talking for a while, Jiman’s reluctant response could be heard. Closing the door and turning to me, I could see him hesitating slightly.
“Who was it?”
“His Majesty.”
At his words, my empty stomach clenched painfully. I massaged my stomach, waiting for the pain to subside. It was natural, but I hadn’t thought of it. I was in the royal palace, and the king of this country was now Kadilen. With his power reaching everywhere, as long as I existed in this world, I had to live within the range of Kadilen’s eyes and ears. Once, that was what I desired more than anything.
“He says he has prepared a meal.”
“Why would Kadilen…”
“He seems worried as you haven’t eaten all day. He says he’s prepared only nutritious things, so let’s go quickly.”
His frigid expression contrasted with his polite tone. Jiman didn’t smile once as he finished preparing me to go out. This was the first time I was leaving the room since regaining my senses. Thinking about meeting Kadilen at a place he had prepared felt incredibly awkward. He had no reason to treat me like this.
The last time I saw him, he pressed me to prove my feelings. It was natural that he didn’t know the detailed circumstances since I had concealed my actions for him. But there was a reason my stomach cramped whenever I thought of Kadilen. Was the bead that could read my emotions somehow insufficient?
I didn’t know how to face him now, or how my feelings for him had changed. The person who knows that better than me is probably Kadilen. Because there’s no way to hide my emotions from him. And whatever those emotions are, Kadilen won’t believe any of my sincerity or words. Even if he himself possesses a tool that can read them accurately.
It was sad that the person who could know my emotions better than myself would perfectly distrust them.
“The food has been prepared with great care.”
Jiman said, looking at the dining table. It was true. The food Kadilen had prepared was more splendid than any I had ever seen. I had always believed him to be a clear-minded person, but now I couldn’t be sure of any aspect of him. Similarly, I couldn’t understand why he would serve me such food.
I sat down and picked up the cold metal utensils. Despite such a feast before me, my appetite had completely disappeared. Jiman, sitting opposite me, barely ate, focusing only on my complexion.
“Please try to eat something.”
“You should eat too.”
The appetizing smell felt like a stench. Food made with all sorts of expensive ingredients was slowly cooling down, unable to break its perfect formation. Unable to put it in my mouth readily, my hands were slowly cutting the meat. Under Jiman’s concerned gaze, I forcefully picked up a piece and brought it to my lips, only to feel an involuntary wave of nausea.
“Urgh.”
“Ludin!”
Before the startled Jiman could rise from his chair, another person’s hand grabbed me. My body, which was tilting forward, regained balance thanks to a firm hand with calluses.
Where did he come from? Forgetting my churning stomach, I stared at him blankly.
“…Are you alright.”
That face, which I had always met with an aching heart amidst the temple’s dust, was still beautiful. Kadilen was gazing at me as if looking at a burning fire. My breath stopped momentarily at the unfamiliar gaze.
It was Jiman who brushed away his hand.
“Please leave. I will bring in some porridge.”
Jiman coldly knocked away the king’s hand and supported me. Suddenly, my mind cleared. Anxiously checking Kadilen’s face, fearing he might punish Jiman for such disrespectful behavior, I found him still staring intently at me, unaware that his hand was grasping at empty air.
