# Chapter 35
“We should examine further whether treatment with magic is possible.”
“There are no combinations of medicinal herbs I haven’t tried.”
“There are spells that can maximize specific effects, so let’s try again…”
Unfamiliar conversation faintly echoed in my ears. My eyes were open. I couldn’t even tell when light had begun to enter my vision.
Having awakened from a long dream, I should normally see my room in the distant reality. Because all dreams eventually come to an end. No matter how painful the nightmare, since it had ended, it was time to face the morning. In a world where there were no people calling me Ludin, and no heart sinking heavily as if weighted down.
“…Ludin?”
Everything should have disappeared. Along with that familiar name, all those gazes simultaneously turning toward me.
“Are you conscious?”
A gentle voice inquired about my well-being. I couldn’t answer. The gradual return of consciousness felt terrifying. I feared the reality I would face if I fully awoke from this sleep.
Whoever had placed me in this illusion, I wanted to beg them to stop. It was enough now. Wasn’t it enough?
Kadilen had saved me, and I had saved him, so we no longer owed each other anything. I know that in the process, I scratched at the hearts of the people I met. But I had nothing left to give them.
There was nothing I hadn’t thrown away. I begged desperately without even knowing who to plead with. To let it end now.
“You’re in the palace. You’ve regained consciousness after exactly five days. Do you remember?”
The kind voice gently caressed my consciousness. Only when he placed his hand on my shoulder did I realize my body was trembling. Hesitantly, I turned my head. It took a long time to recognize the gaze of the people who entered my field of vision.
They were looking at Ludin.
Looking at me with eyes filled with complex emotions, telling me that I still hadn’t escaped this nightmare. I felt immediately choked, as if my neck were being strangled by their hands. My head rang with alarms from the lack of oxygen.
“Huh…”
“Ludin!”
All sorts of memories rose chaotically, like overlapping photograph films. I could only tremble, unable to bear their speed. Bewilderment crossed the faces of the people surrounding me.
“Everyone, please leave for a moment!”
I heard Jiman’s breathless cry. Each memory pressing down on my head felt like a massive boulder. Breathing roughly, I twisted my body, trying to escape the weight binding me. Urgent hands grabbed my flailing arms.
“It’s alright, Ludin. I’m here.”
“Hic…”
“Everyone, please leave!!”
My panting breath soon turned to sobbing. It wasn’t a dream. Even if it were a dream, I couldn’t escape this place. The memories of living as Ludin would follow me for the rest of my life, no matter where I woke up. A time when only distrust returned despite showing my whole heart, when I gave up trying to save myself from violence, and when I lost all will and was stained only with guilt.
It wasn’t anyone’s fault. I know everyone made the best choices for their own reasons. But understanding the other person doesn’t heal the wounds.
“Ludin, look at me.”
At the tearful voice, I looked at his face. Tears were also flowing endlessly from Jiman’s eyes. He desperately tried to regulate his breathing with me. I steadied my breath to match his rhythm. Before I knew it, the surroundings had quieted, and only our breathing remained in the room.
“I’m sorry I was late. I should have found you earlier…”
Jiman’s large hand approached. Seeing me instinctively curl up, he sighed painfully and more slowly cupped my face. The tears rolling down my cheeks wet his warm hands. As if trying to catch all my tears, Jiman tenderly wiped my eyes. The air surrounding him gradually slowed.
“When I found you in such a terrible state, you can’t imagine how powerless I felt.”
A hot emotion suddenly welled up in what I thought was an empty chest. Despite never having betrayed me even once, he was apologizing to me.
“Things will be different now. Ludin.”
“…”
“Just once… just once, allow me to be selfish.”
Jiman’s fingertips trembled. Selfishness. No word could be more incompatible with him.
“If a chance comes to save you, I will seize it.”
“…”
“Live for me. Ludin.”
Despite his firm tone, tears flowed continuously from his eyes. He read resignation in me. It pained me to see Jiman so terrified by that fact.
“It’s fine if you remain indifferent to me as before. It’s fine if I lose all the kindness you’ve shown these past few months.”
“…”
“Just please live.”
I stared at him blankly, at a loss for words. His warm hand carefully traced my face. As if touching something precious, with a somewhat fearful and sorrowful heart, he slowly caressed my tears. Jiman’s heart seemed so large that it enveloped me completely. And so, for a long time, he stroked my face and just cried, as if absorbing all my sadness.
How did we end up like this? It was all my fault.
At least Jiman’s tears were entirely my fault. He had given me a heart that I would never receive from anyone else again. Even after knowing that I wasn’t the real Ludin, his heart hadn’t changed. In this nightmare, there were wounds I would never forget, but there were also bonds I should never forget.
Only after a long cry did Jiman speak.
“Now everyone knows the situation. No one wishes to harm you.”
“I see…”
I didn’t know what emotion I should feel. Jiman, who had been carefully observing me, clenched his fist tightly as if suppressing something.
“I didn’t allow them near you because I could control my anger. We need their skills. We were discussing treatment methods together.”
“Treatment methods…”
A forgotten memory resurfaced. The treatment method I knew of was with Luan. I hesitated whether to tell Jiman about it. His only selfish desire was for me to live. Naturally, I wanted to grant what Jiman wanted. But I couldn’t bring myself to speak. If I extended my life here, how would I live?
It was a painful dilemma. I fell into thought, looking at Jiman’s eyes that gazed at me pleadingly. I couldn’t believe that despite having made countless difficult decisions, there were still more problems to solve.
I could neither live nor die. One moment I wanted to reclaim my life, the next I wanted to let go of consciousness and have no worries.
What would happen to me now?
It was just a vast darkness.
* * *
“Then sleep now. Tomorrow will be better.”
Jiman smiled kindly as he covered me with a blanket. Even after checking my physical condition and bedding several times, he seemed reluctant to return to his own room, as if he couldn’t put his mind at ease. I was afraid to be left alone without him, but I couldn’t childishly beg him to stay. He was already exhausted.
“I’ll be taking my leave now.”
After checking the location of emergency medicine one more time, Jiman finally approached the door. I saw him about to turn off the light in the room as he bid me farewell. I called out urgently.
“Wait!”
“Yes?”
“Just leave the light on.”
It was a reflexive statement. Jiman’s eyes widened, seemingly surprised by my outburst. I was watching his hand near the light with an obsessiveness I couldn’t understand myself. He moved his lips as if to ask something, but then sighed and adjusted the light to be even brighter.
After reassuring the worried Jiman and sending him off, I closed my eyes. The words we had exchanged floated around in my head, unorganized. According to him, while I was unconscious, Kadilen had summoned numerous experts and ordered them to treat my illness. But they hadn’t found a method either, and Jiman said he was more surprised that my condition hadn’t worsened during that time. That probably had something to do with the medicine given to me by the person Luan had sent.
No matter how persistently I kept my eyes closed, sleep wouldn’t come. I wanted to lose consciousness quickly, yet I was afraid of having nightmares. It was funny. I believed this world was a nightmare, yet when I fell asleep, there was another nightmare.
Finally giving up, I got up. The bright light illuminated everything clearly. Looking around slowly, the room was exactly as it had been when I first came to the palace. It was surprising that Kadilen had maintained Ludin’s room exactly as it was. After hesitating, I carefully got out from under the blanket and stood up. I couldn’t even remember the last time I had stood on my own power. My feet touching the cold floor felt awkward, as if they weren’t mine.
Though I had gotten up, I hadn’t decided where to go. I didn’t even dare to leave the room. After hesitating for a moment, I awkwardly walked to the window. Through the open window, I could see the night sky. As I looked at the pitch-black darkness settled in the sky, it felt as if someone was calling me from somewhere.
‘Are you happy too?’
The sweet auditory hallucination continued, whispering in my ear. Getting goosebumps, I hastily looked around, but I was the only one in the room. I tried hard to compose myself.
My memories with Devan consisted only of sound. His gentle voice coming from the darkness that filled the room. Even when he touched me, I couldn’t even feel it. All senses except hearing had become dim.
‘This is what you wanted, Ludin. So you should smile.’
I realized then for the first time that in a place where vision is blocked, you can see sounds. I remembered how his voice had penetrated my flesh, binding my entire body.
Sitting on the windowsill, I stared blankly outside. Just beyond this window pane was the terrible darkness that choked me. Sitting on that boundary, I wondered if I was going crazy.
The window looked like the open mouth of a terrifying monster. Suddenly, a strange impulse seized me. Swallowing hard, I slowly stretched out my hand. The darkness seemed almost tangible, floating in the air. It felt like a pitch-black monster would devour my arm at any moment, yet strangely, my heart was drawn into it.
“Ludin?”
This time it was clearly a voice calling me. Cold sweat ran down my spine from the eerie feeling. I tried to turn my head toward the sound, but my startled body lost balance and tilted.
“Ludin!!”
As I fell into that pitch-black darkness, I felt a strange sense of relief. I felt peaceful and unburdened, as if I had found my place. I closed my eyes with satisfaction.
