He remembered seeing the sun rise. That was probably the last thing before he’d blacked out. More accurately, it would be right to say he’d passed out.
It wasn’t even when the sun was just hazily beginning to rise, but truly when the sun was high in the sky.
Perhaps because of that, when he opened his eyes again, his surroundings were dark. His mind wouldn’t quite come back to him, so Seo Eunho had to blink his eyes for a very long time to grasp the situation.
Surprisingly, his memories of last night were vivid. His body, throbbing as if it had been subjected to violence, helpfully reminded him of memories that could have just evaporated.
“Hah…”
Just from letting out a sigh, his throat stung.
“Aah.”
So the voice he tried was completely cracked and a total mess. Well, of course—he’d been screaming like that. It was so absurd that it made him laugh hollowly.
Seo Eunho remained lying on the bed and buried his face in the pillow. He was afraid to move his body, so he stayed as still as possible. He didn’t particularly want to have last night confirmed through his body.
Of course, even staying still, there wasn’t a place that didn’t hurt. His back entrance, which was stinging and still burning hot, was especially bothersome. It was a type of pain he’d never felt once in his entire life.
“I’m gonna die.”
The voice muttering was a mess even hearing it again. Seo Eunho squeezed his eyes shut.
He couldn’t feel any sign of another person. Tae Shinwoo had probably left right away. He himself was a complete mess, but in his last memory, Tae Shinwoo had been far too fine, which felt somewhat unfair.
Even rolling around a construction site all day had never worn his body out this much. His arms and legs creaked when he tried moving them slightly. Seo Eunho tried to get up but gave up and sprawled out spread-eagle.
He hadn’t been told what time to leave by, and even if he had been, he wouldn’t have done as told. If you make someone’s body into this state, shouldn’t you at least give them time to rest?
“Crazy bastard.”
Seo Eunho muttered with his eyes closed, then slowly raised his body. Though he desperately wanted to rest more, since he’d never spent time spacing out, even this felt difficult.
Dragging his body that was crying out not to move, Seo Eunho barely made it to the bathroom and immediately laid his body in the bathtub. He wasn’t even that much of a clean freak, but his whole body was sticky and his back entrance stung uncomfortably, so he couldn’t not wash.
Fucking bastard. Remembering Tae Shinwoo shoving his fingers into his hole even while he’d lost consciousness and his body had gone limp, curses came out automatically.
He’d continued even after the night passed and the morning sun rose, and yet was that still not enough? At the violent sex seared fiercely into his memory, Seo Eunho let out a sigh. Far from feeling like shit, seeing the tingling sensations bubbling up, he himself hadn’t been in his right mind either.
“Haha…”
Seo Eunho, who’d grinned, covered his face with his hands and let out a deep sigh. Whether the act had been violent or whatever, the most maddening thing was that he himself hadn’t disliked it.
*’I need to spread you more.’*
Tae Shinwoo’s voice echoed in his ears. As if it had been waiting, his body contracted. Seo Eunho turned on hot water trying to relax his body. Of course, it didn’t go as intended.
*’Ah, more, just a little, hng…’*
*’More. Should I put it in?’*
*’Hng, ungh!’*
*’Satisfied?’*
Satisfied. Fuck. You’re crazy, Seo Eunho. He must have completely lost it. Looking at his own body, clearly wrecked at a glance, Seo Eunho only let out deep sighs. He should have passed out before it got to that point. He truly resented himself yesterday for having stamina that wouldn’t lose anywhere—his pride and joy. It felt like even his mind had been pickled in pleasure that continued mindlessly for far too long.
Seo Eunho caught the pouring water in his hands and washed his face. Perhaps because of the tears he’d endlessly shed in his excitement, his face was all swollen. Seo Eunho roughly turned the lever to cold water. Then he washed his entire body over and over instead of his face. As if doing so would erase the marks Tae Shinwoo had left all night.
*’Keep doing that…’*
That was the last of Tae Shinwoo’s words he remembered. He couldn’t even properly remember what it had been about, and after that, only scene by scene came to mind—Tae Shinwoo’s voice didn’t come to mind at all. Seo Eunho roughly scrubbed his face with cold water.
*’Shinwoo-ya. Ah, hng, Shinwoo-ya…’*
He couldn’t even remember Tae Shinwoo’s words well, but why were the things he himself had clung to and spouted so damn vivid? Self-mockery burst out immediately. Even in that moment, the tactile sensation of Tae Shinwoo’s body that had been in his hands felt vivid.
Had it been the wrong choice? No, it wasn’t something to question now. Either way, wouldn’t he have ended up with regrets anyway? Seo Eunho slowly closed and opened his eyes.
What would Tae Shinwoo think? What had last night been like for Tae Shinwoo? Questions arose, but no certainty came. It wasn’t anything new. From the beginning, Seo Eunho hadn’t known a single thing about what was inside Tae Shinwoo.
***
After that, Seo Eunho was sick for a full two days. Since he’d never been this ill before, his father seemed quite flustered but also seemed not to know what to do. Perhaps because of that, even though his father had been by his side, Seo Eunho felt like he’d been sick and recovered completely alone.
During that time, there was no contact whatsoever from Tae Shinwoo. A fundamental question arose about whether Tae Shinwoo even knew his number, but it would be strange if he didn’t. He just wasn’t contacting him. If he wanted to, he’d contact him again. If not, he wouldn’t. Then what happens with the debt?
What do you mean what happens? I’ll just pay it back. Seo Eunho pushed down the pointless thoughts that kept arising. Even knowing it was useless, he found himself pathetically trying to assign meaning to Tae Shinwoo’s actions. Had he gone crazy or something? How could nothing have changed from 12 years ago?
“Are you okay? I heard you were sick.”
“Ah, yes. I’m fine.”
“Is it because you’re young? You’re always energetic by yourself, but you got sick too. Did you maybe get heat exhaustion?”
“I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.”
“Well, people can get sick.”
The cell phone he’d been constantly fiddling with went deep into his pocket. The person speaking to him was the foreman at the site. He knew he wasn’t the type of personality to speak to others this amiably, but he was particularly kind only to him.
His hand tapped Seo Eunho’s back and fell away. It was just a playful touch, but Seo Eunho almost scrunched up his face. His whole body still hurt as if it had been crushed—it hurt just to be touched.
“Thank you for waiting and not hiring someone else.”
Ignoring the face that rose up along with the pain, Seo Eunho bowed his head. Actually, when Seo Eunho had conveyed that he was sick and couldn’t come to work, he’d naturally thought he’d be fired. People like Seo Eunho were replaceable anytime. Day laborers who just needed strength were a dime a dozen.
Honestly, it was stranger that they’d waited. Rather than waiting for someone like him, it would have been much better to hire someone new. It wasn’t work that required skill—you just had to move heavy loads.
But the foreman had deliberately not done so. Rather, with concern asking if he was okay, the response came back to rest appropriately and come to work. Seo Eunho was quite flustered but for now answered with thanks. Though the biggest burden he’d had—debt—had been somewhat resolved with Tae Shinwoo’s proposal, Seo Eunho still needed money. While it was easy for construction sites to find day laborers, it wasn’t easy for a day laborer like Seo Eunho to find construction sites to work at.
“There’s no one who works as diligently as Eunho-ssi.”
The foreman shrugged and smiled.
“Where do you find people who do work they don’t even have to do without a single complaint? If Eunho-ssi couldn’t work anymore, I’d be more disappointed.”
“Thank you.”
“It’d be good if you could study and learn some skills to properly work at sites.”
To the foreman clicking his tongue regretfully, Seo Eunho gave no answer. He thought anew that people were truly cunning. When he was struggling with debt right away, even the same words didn’t register at all, but now that it seemed like it might somehow be resolved, seeing himself actually hoping it would happen proved it.
“I’m talking nonsense again. I’m just saying it because it’s disappointing.”
“Yes. Thank you for thinking of me.”
“You have a lot to be thankful for. Anyway, take it easy today. Don’t overdo it and get into an accident.”
“Yes.”
Seo Eunho had a still pond. A very small pond that couldn’t flow and rotted while stagnant. If he were to describe Seo Eunho’s current situation, it would be similar to a sudden downpour falling on that pond. A situation where the pond was widening, and the path to the stream that had been far away seemed like it would open up at any moment.
But even so, a pond is a pond. When the downpour stops, the opened path will disappear, and the stagnant pond will soon rot again. The already determined ending doesn’t change. The pond won’t become a lake and connect to a river.
Seo Eunho’s position doesn’t change. Even if it seems like he’ll escape for a moment, he gets caught again. Seo Eunho tried hard to remind himself of that fact. But it wasn’t easy. He’d thought his life would never change, but faint hope kept sprouting. What if it could change? At the very least, what if the pond grew bigger and could at least rot a bit more slowly?
He just couldn’t let go of hope. That was Seo Eunho’s biggest problem. Himself from 12 years ago had been like that, and he was still like that now.
“…”
Maybe something might change. Tae Shinwoo will pull him out from this pit. More than the feelings remaining toward Tae Shinwoo, the hope that he might be able to escape from that reality incited Seo Eunho.
Right, let’s only hope for that much. It’s okay to hope for that much, isn’t it?
Seo Eunho smiled and whispered to himself. He said he’d eliminate the debt. If only that was gone, Seo Eunho could live like a human being.
As long as he doesn’t repeat the same mistake as 12 years ago. Just that, and Seo Eunho’s life could become ordinary like others.
