Chapter 3
Jaehee’s consciousness, which had been endlessly sinking into the deep sea, suddenly rose to the surface. Jaehee’s eyes slowly opened.
A blurry ceiling came into his hazy vision. Jaehee stared at it blankly, slowly blinking his eyes. The blurry vision gradually became clearer, and his foggy mind awoke. But as this happened, Jaehee’s face gradually distorted.
‘…No… It can’t be… I can’t possibly be alive…’
Jaehee repeated this to himself over and over. That he couldn’t possibly be alive. He desperately prayed while looking around. But Jaehee’s wishes crumbled. Everything was familiar. Everything his eyes took in. Jaehee despaired as he recognized the Center.
‘…Why… why couldn’t I die…’
Jaehee couldn’t believe that he was alive. He wanted to deny it. He had no choice but to. After all, his last memory was certainly heading toward death.
The blood endlessly pouring from his body was still vivid in his memory. What was it like then? He had probably been certain. That the death he so desperately wanted would soon come to him.
That’s why he had smiled in his gradually fading consciousness. He had felt relief. He had been reassured that if he closed his eyes like this, he would be freed from this terrible pain.
Selfishly…
He had tried to forget Geonwoo that way. He had desperately wished to never open his eyes again.
But here he was, still alive.
‘If I’m alive… I’ll have to keep repeating your death…’
Jaehee couldn’t bear it anymore. Overcoming it was even more unimaginable.
‘Geonwoo… I… it’s too hard…’
I want to stop…
Emotions that had risen to the top of his throat searched for a place to go and sank. Jaehee was afraid that he might come to hate Geonwoo because it hurt too much. Afraid that he might blame him for sacrificing his future instead of letting Jaehee die. Afraid that he might resent him for dying so unhesitatingly. He hated himself for having such thoughts, feeling too shameless and ugly.
‘I don’t want this anymore… I want to stop…’
Jaehee was too exhausted. Both physically and mentally. He wanted to end this pain now. Because of that, Jaehee’s mind was filled with only one thought.
‘This time… I must die…’
Only with that thought.
So he didn’t notice. That there were no restraints on his body as he lay in bed. That there weren’t numerous IV drips hanging. That all the many needle marks that had been on his arms were completely gone. Jaehee didn’t realize.
Jaehee looked around with unfocused, emotionless eyes. He needed something to die. In Jaehee’s eyes, he saw a Center employee standing a little distance away with his back to him. He was examining the opposite bed, and at his waist was a gun.
It was something mandatorily issued to Guides and Center employees, excluding Espers. The same went for the employee who had his back to Jaehee. Though they rarely had to use it, they always carried it just in case.
Jaehee’s gaze fixed on it.
‘Yes, that’s all I need.’
There was one more person lying in the bed that was hidden by the employee’s body, but that wasn’t important. It didn’t even register in his eyes. Jaehee’s eyes were filled only with the tool that would free him from this pain. He couldn’t think of anything else. His blank mind was whispering that he needed to get that quickly.
That’s how pushed to the edge Jaehee was.
Jaehee hurriedly got out of bed. Before someone came in and stopped him, he needed to snatch that quickly.
But his urgent anxiety made him unaware of the small examination device attached to his body. With Jaehee’s movement, it fell with a thud and made a small warning sound.
At the sound, the employee turned around. Jaehee’s shoulders stiffened slightly. But the man wasn’t surprised to see Jaehee. As if he already knew he was awake, he turned and slowly approached Jaehee.
Stopping right in front of Jaehee, he bent down to pick up the small examination device that had fallen to the floor, then looked at Jaehee with a troubled expression.
“You shouldn’t move around like that while you’re still being examined. You know better.”
The employee said this and tried to reattach the examination device to Jaehee’s body but stopped. There was something wrong with Jaehee. He was staring at the opposite bed with a surprised expression and a bloodless, pale white face.
“Guide Lee Jaehee-nim?”
The employee called to Jaehee, puzzled by his strange behavior, but Jaehee heard nothing.
Jaehee couldn’t move. He was completely frozen. Behind the employee was Geonwoo. Geonwoo lying quietly on the opposite bed with his eyes closed.
Jaehee’s heart beat rapidly. The sight of Geonwoo lying still without any movement overlapped with the scene at the gate, and his whole body grew cold.
‘A hallucination…?’
That was his first thought, and Jaehee immediately became convinced. Because otherwise, there was no way Geonwoo could be in front of him.
Jaehee’s whole body trembled. Even the strength to stand disappeared, and he collapsed to the floor.
He was afraid of the horror that would soon come. Soon Geonwoo would cough up blood. He would die. And that would repeat, right? Just like he had always seen.
Jaehee looked down at his body. There was nothing there. Nevertheless, he felt as if dozens of IV needles were stuck in him. It was like all the drugs were circulating inside his body, whispering to him to recall that terrible past.
So cruelly.
“Aaaagh!”
Jaehee had a seizure. With trembling hands, he brushed off his arms. When nothing came away in his hands, he began scratching his arms with his fingernails. Seeing this, the employee was startled and tried to stop Jaehee.
“Why are you suddenly acting like this? Stop! Come to your senses!”
But even while trembling, even while tears fell in heavy drops, Jaehee’s gaze remained fixed on Geonwoo. No matter how scared he was, he couldn’t tear his eyes away from Geonwoo. He just couldn’t bring himself to do that.
Jaehee looked at Geonwoo as if waiting for punishment.
But something was strange. No matter how long he waited, Geonwoo didn’t cough up blood. He was just lying there peacefully with his eyes closed.
That can’t be right…
Jaehee slowly moved his gaze to the side. Very slowly. Until he could see Geonwoo’s chest rising and falling slightly.
‘He’s… alive…?’
Jaehee felt a strange emotion at the sight. Hope and fear. Opposing emotions coexisted. Jaehee stared for a long time at Geonwoo breathing and moving slightly. He couldn’t believe it.
‘It can’t be… It’s a lie…’
Is this a hallucination to make me suffer more? Even more than this?
Even if that were the case, Jaehee had no choice but to be deceived. Because Geonwoo was right in front of him.
Jaehee placed his trembling hands on the floor. Slowly, very slowly, he crawled over to the bed where Geonwoo was lying.
The employee, bewildered by Jaehee’s continuing strange behavior, tried to help him up, but he had no choice but to leave him be due to Jaehee’s fierce rejection of his touch.
Jaehee reached the front of the bed in this manner. But he didn’t have the courage to look at Geonwoo right away. After hesitating for a long time like that, he finally stood up on his shaky legs with effort. He gritted his teeth and endured his body that seemed about to collapse at any moment.
Then Geonwoo’s face came into view. Geonwoo was breathing. He was alive.
Jaehee stared at Geonwoo for a long time and then carefully reached out his hand. His fingertips were trembling terribly, reflecting Jaehee’s frightened heart. But even so, Jaehee couldn’t bring himself to touch Geonwoo. For fear that he might disappear if he touched him. That’s what he was afraid of.
So Jaehee’s hand couldn’t reach Geonwoo, just floating in the air.
That’s when it happened.
“Guide Lee Jaehee-nim!”
The employee who had been watching helplessly from behind shouted in surprise. Suddenly, an enormous amount of guiding energy filled the examination room. The guiding examination machine detected an abnormal reading and emitted a terrifying warning sound. The guiding level displayed on the machine was rising frightfully.
Unable to touch Geonwoo, Jaehee was pouring out radiant guiding with all his might.
“He’s alive… He’s still alive…!”
What he had always wanted to do. But couldn’t.
Jaehee recalled his helpless self in the gate. The useless self who, after pouring out all his guiding energy, couldn’t do anything more for him.
That’s why he couldn’t stop. Despite the employee’s dissuasion, Jaehee didn’t stop the radiant guiding. As if it was the only atonement he could make, he scraped out the energy from inside his body limitlessly without any regulation.
‘I don’t care if this is a dream or a hallucination…’
Whatever it was, it was fine. Always, in dreams, in hallucinations, he had been unable to provide guiding to Geonwoo. Just like at the end in the gate. The energy that was always depleted wouldn’t come out no matter how much he squeezed. It had continuously forced Jaehee to just watch death.
That knotted pain, Jaehee’s wound, was pouring out.
And then,
“…Ah…!”
A small sound burst from Geonwoo’s lips.
