Chapter 39
“At the same time, I felt sorry for Hahyun. Despite all the suffering he went through because of me, he couldn’t hate you—the cause of the problem.”
“…”
“But you know what’s funny? Hahyun, who used to come in and out of the company running Chairman Seo’s errands, fell for Yoon Juwon.”
“I know, right? Actually, that part confused me a bit. I could understand thinking of him as a savior for killing Chairman Seo who abused him, but why did he like him even before that?”
Hajin tilted his head back and laughed. But to me, it looked more like he was crying, so I couldn’t laugh along.
“Think about what you did. Who is Hahyun? He’s Chairman Seo’s biological son. So how well must Yoon Juwon have treated him?”
“Don’t tell me I seduced him? Innocent Hahyun?”
Wow, Yoon Juwon… if you did that, you’re not even human.
“You treated him kindly when he was already emotionally vulnerable. If he had a bruise, you’d apply medicine, whenever your eyes met, you’d tell him he was cute, and you’d say you liked retrievers and that he resembled one so it felt nice to hug him…”
He totally set out to seduce him. Completely.
Though Hajin also treated Hahyun kindly, Hajin’s reserved personality wouldn’t have been enough to resolve Hahyun’s emotional deficiency, despite his efforts. Then suddenly, his brother’s friend appears saying “you’re so cute” and “I want to hug you”—even a straight guy might turn gay.
“Right? Even you think it was too much.”
“It really was. Then I should’ve continued being good to him. It’s not like Hahyun’s status as Chairman Seo’s biological son changed…”
“You found out that Chairman Seo was someone who wouldn’t give affection even to his own son. And besides… this is another part I feel sorry about…”
“Don’t tell me he found out that Chairman Seo was planning to pass the company to me?”
Hajin nodded.
“On top of learning that Hahyun had no real value, you got tired of him being clingy.”
Is Yoon Juwon ten times worse than all the villains I’ve encountered in countless novels and movies combined? Sure, his past was tragic. But not everyone who’s abandoned by their parents and raised in poor orphanages turns out like Yoon Juwon. Hajin himself didn’t, for one.
“So? What do you think after hearing the story?”
“I feel a bit conflicted, and also…”
When I couldn’t continue, Hajin wrapped an arm around my shoulder and whispered in a low voice.
“And?”
“I feel sorry too. Even though I don’t remember, since you say I did those things…”
The hand that had been touching my neck rubbed my collarbone. Both his breath on my skin and his fingertips were hot. Not knowing what to do, I turned my head and our eyes met. His blue eyes were too vivid.
Can I push him away after just saying I’m sorry? What if Hahyun wakes up and catches us like this?
I carefully removed his arm from my shoulder and firmly held his hand. The corner of Hajin’s mouth curved up slightly as he looked at me, as if asking, “What are you doing? You think you can avoid this?” I ignored it and kept speaking.
“You must have suffered emotionally. But I’ve changed now, so I won’t hurt you again.”
His face moved a bit closer and his lips touched mine briefly. I gaped like a goldfish and looked away.
“You haven’t changed—you just don’t remember. It’s so ironic. The person who caused the pain remembers nothing, but the person who received the wound has to live with it for the rest of their life.”
As he finished speaking, both the hand caressing my chin and his face that had been close to mine pulled cleanly away. He turned his body in the opposite direction.
Against my will, my hand reached out toward him. I couldn’t understand myself—my mind was relieved that he wasn’t being clingy, yet my hand was reaching out on its own.
Was it just a reflexive gesture in response to him turning away? Or could it be that I was developing feelings for him that weren’t there before?
“You can’t even imagine what I’m thinking.”
“…”
“I’m so crazy that…”
His voice trailed off as he turned back toward me. My body betrayed my will again and moved closer to him.
Hajin’s eyes looked at me like they would devour me whole. I didn’t want to hear a crazy person explaining how crazy he was while looking at me with insane eyes. Yet my body wouldn’t move. It felt like someone was forcibly pinning me down.
“While I’m glad you’ve lost your memory and are cooperating with us…”
After pausing briefly, he rubbed his face and cut himself off.
“No. It’s better if I don’t say it.”
He turned his head toward the window. Outside, it was already beginning to get light. Hajin stood up and said:
“Go check on Hahyun. He might be awake.”
I felt an emotion that couldn’t be expressed in words. Curious, regretful, pitiful, and even sad…
He cut off his words just when he was about to give crucial information, so being curious and regretful made sense, but I didn’t know why I felt pity and sadness as well.
Maybe it was because I had the illusion of momentarily glimpsing the childhood of Hajin, who’d always seemed so reliable and trustworthy.
***
‘He’s definitely not Yoon Juwon.’
Hajin confirmed his suspicions as he looked at Juwon.
“Aren’t you coming with me?”
Looking at Juwon’s expression as he gazed at him with seemingly regretful eyes, Hajin shook his head.
“Think from Hahyun’s perspective. If he wakes up and sees me with you, what will he think?”
“Oh! That’s right! Then I’ll go by myself.”
Hajin quietly watched Juwon’s back as he headed to Hahyun’s room.
If he were the real Yoon Juwon, he would never have walked alone into the tiger’s den. Though Juwon harbored hatred toward Hajin, he’d relied on him to avoid Hahyun.
When Juwon said he’d lost his memory, Hajin believed him, especially when Juwon gave him looks asking for help or hid behind his back.
But today—saying sorry after hearing about the past, or worrying about Hahyun being sick—these things weren’t like Juwon at all.
‘Yoon Juwon is someone who wants all attention focused only on himself… yet he pities Hahyun and worries about me?’
Hajin shook his head and recalled his conversation with the doctor.
“Even if a patient has amnesia, their core personality doesn’t change. In the past, we explained this as innate temperament, but nowadays we explain it as the realm of the unconscious. The personality and habits engraved in the unconscious aren’t easy to change.”
“What if a patient with amnesia acts like a completely different person?”
“Then we might need to consider whether it’s not amnesia but dissociative identity disorder.”
“Dissociative identity disorder…”
That would certainly be the most rational diagnosis for Juwon’s current state.
Can dissociative identity disorder suddenly develop? Enough for a different personality to emerge while completely suppressing one’s original nature?
‘Then what about the Yoon Juwon I knew?’
His heart sank at the thought that he might have completely disappeared. It wasn’t because he missed the old Juwon or loved him more than the current one. Hajin’s feelings for Juwon weren’t shallow enough to disappear just because a different personality had emerged. But it felt like a part of his heart was empty as it hit him that all the memories he’d built with Juwon had vanished in an instant. Even if it was a love-hate relationship, emotions were emotions.
Hajin paced the living room anxiously and looked out the window.
‘With the original Yoon Juwon, I wouldn’t have worried about losing him to Hahyun. He hated Hahyun more than me. But the current Yoon Juwon…’
He wasn’t confident he wouldn’t lose him to Hahyun. Since he didn’t remember anything, any sense of indebtedness he might have had toward Hajin would have disappeared.
Moreover, this changed Juwon had an emotional side, so he might prefer Hahyun—who was affectionate and poured out blind love—over himself, who had a blunt personality and liked to be in control.
‘Lose him to Hahyun? Yoon Juwon?’
As soon as he had that thought, his worries disappeared, replaced by a desire for exclusive possession.
In the early dawn, like a city veiled in fog, Hajin’s vision was becoming increasingly clouded.
***
“Juwon hyung…”
Hahyun, who’d woken up, sobbed loudly like a child while nestled in my arms. Seeing that he had the energy to cry, it seemed his mind had returned.
If he were smaller, it might be understandable, but look at this—someone bigger than me crying and clinging like this.
I sighed and patted his back. His squirming kept pushing me backward. At this rate, I’d be the one being held…
Sure enough, eventually Hahyun was the one hugging me as he cried. I couldn’t push away someone who was crying, so I leaned against him in an awkward position.
“Stop crying. Why are you crying so much? Someone might think somebody died.”
“Hyung, you know… in my dream…”
Hahyun couldn’t continue and burst into tears again. I was so dumbfounded I couldn’t speak.
I’d been bowing my head like a criminal in front of Hajin because of a past I hadn’t even experienced, and now when I came into the room, this guy was going to apologize for something he did in a dream.
You crazy bastards, it wasn’t me who did those things! Why are you doing this to me?
I barely suppressed the urge to argue and said calmly:
“I know. It was just a dream, right? So stop crying. You may have done that in your dream, but you won’t do it in reality. Okay?”
Hahyun suddenly stopped crying and looked at me. His eyes were so intense I wondered if I’d said something wrong.
“You won’t do it in reality? How can you say such a thing!”
“…”
