Chapter 38
Shortly after, Hajin returned with two cups of coffee. One was my sickeningly sweet coffee, and the other was Hajin’s, which looked pitch black like it had extra shots added. As he handed me a cup, he said:
“You know what? You used to refuse to even taste anything with the slightest bit of sugar in it. You wouldn’t eat it even if you collapsed on stage from low blood sugar.”
“I guess that makes sense since I was a model. But honestly, I think it was natural for me to be obsessed with success.”
“…I suppose only you can understand yourself.”
“No, Hajin-ssi, you know it too. That I’ve changed so much I could be considered a different person now.”
“Why do you think that?”
“Because the old me that I’ve heard about from you two seems like a completely different person from who I am now.”
It was a statement I made without any preparation. I figured that even if I honestly told them I was a possessed person, they wouldn’t believe me anyway, and the more I tried to hide it, the more awkward things would get—so I decided to be straightforward about it.
Hajin stared at me intently before finally speaking.
“You definitely do seem like you’ve become a different person. So, in the opinion of this changed Yoon Juwon, why on earth did the old Yoon Juwon want to become a model so badly that he even crossed moral lines?”
It was Hahyun who lacked empathy, not Hajin. So it was strange that someone like him didn’t understand such a simple thing.
“You said I was an orphan. I would’ve had to survive on my own somehow. Having no one to rely on and worrying about where your next meal will come from is way more devastating than people imagine.”
In truth, what I was saying was completely opposite to my own beliefs. I was of the opinion that parents who were only burdens to their children would be better off not being there at all. Still, it wasn’t hard to talk about this since both Yoon Juwon and I shared the same reality—if we didn’t work today, we wouldn’t have anything to eat tomorrow.
“I know.”
“How?”
Hajin stared at me like he couldn’t believe I was asking that question. Then he tapped his temple with his finger.
“I already knew you were adopted—I heard about it before. But I don’t know what kind of relationship you and I had.”
Hajin took a sip of his coffee and spoke with a dejected expression.
“To think the day would come when I’d have to tell you about our relationship with my own mouth.”
“I know. It’s really strange how things turn out.”
He said it would be a long story and began recounting everything from the moment he and Juwon first met. As I listened to the story, I was at times tense, at times holding back tears, completely absorbed in what he was saying.
***
From the moment they first met, Juwon was everything to Hajin.
With blue eyes, brown hair, and standing two heads taller than his peers, Hajin didn’t mix well with other children. Abandoned because he was mixed-race and an orphan, Hajin was lonely and was ostracized even by those in similar situations just because he looked different.
The year he turned eight, at the new orphanage he’d been transferred to, Hajin met Juwon for the first time.
***
“Wow… you’re really pretty.”
At least Juwon didn’t call him a monster.
“You’re the one who’s really pretty…”
Juwon’s face, with sparkling eyes staring intently at him, was the most beautiful thing Hajin had ever seen.
“No, you’re prettier. Hey, do you know what a model is?”
“A model?”
“Yeah, people who wear pretty clothes and walk on stage like this.”
Juwon drew a line in the playground dirt and toddled along it, striking a cool pose at the end. Though they were the same age, Juwon looked so adorable that Hajin burst out laughing.
“I think I’ve seen that on TV.”
“Really? That’s amazing!”
Juwon, who was ecstatically happy just because Hajin knew about models, said he’d definitely become a model when he grew up. Hajin, who’d never even thought about why someone should have a dream or what a dream even was, found Juwon fascinating.
“Why do you want to become a model?”
“Well, my mom was a famous model. I don’t know the details. A teacher who used to be here told me… You know how scary the director is, right? I’d get in trouble if I asked the wrong person, so I couldn’t ask…”
Juwon’s eyes drooped downward. He’d looked so happy while walking his imaginary runway just moments ago, but now he looked sad. Hajin vaguely thought that he wanted Juwon to sparkle again, like when he was walking while imagining the stage.
“You can become a model! I’ll help you.”
“Really?”
“Of course! Just trust me.”
Though he made this bold promise, Hajin was only eight years old, and he had no idea how to actually help. After that, whenever Juwon saw Hajin, he’d say like a habit:
“I wish I had blue eyes like you. I wish I was tall like you. How nice it would be if my hair was brown like yours.”
Juwon was saying this because he’d heard that for modeling, being tall and having unique features was better, but to Hajin—who’d been lonely because of his appearance—every word from Juwon sounded like comfort.
So Hajin fell deeper and deeper for Juwon, and despite the orphanage life where food and clothing were scarce, he was only happy. He saved his own food to give to Juwon and gave up all the sponsorships that came in because of his pretty appearance, passing them to Juwon instead. Yet he didn’t regret any of it. Because when that child smiled, Hajin’s heart shone too…
But the happy times didn’t last long. The year they turned nine, Chairman Seo—who’d heard there was an incredibly beautiful boy at the orphanage—came to visit. Chairman Seo quickly proceeded with the adoption.
Hajin threw a tantrum, not wanting to be separated from Juwon, but Juwon—who hated and resented Hajin for being chosen first—didn’t even see him off the day he left.
After being adopted, Hajin felt guilty that he was doing modeling work instead of Juwon, even while being abused by Chairman Seo. So whenever he had time, he contacted the orphanage, but Juwon never accepted his calls.
One day the year Hajin turned eighteen, driven by the repeated abuse from Chairman Seo and an insane longing for Juwon, Hajin ran away to the orphanage with only bus fare and no other plan. Only then was he able to meet Juwon.
But what remained in Juwon wasn’t longing for Hajin—it was hostility for having his place stolen by Hajin.
“Who are you?”
“It’s me, Hajin. Juwon-ah. Don’t you remember me?”
“Hmm. I’ve never heard that name…”
“Oh, my old name was Lee Seon.”
“I don’t know anyone by that name.”
Shocked that Juwon had forgotten him, Hajin believed he was just angry, and begged for forgiveness while crying.
“Forgive me. I shouldn’t have left you… I’m sorry. It’s all my fault.”
“Look, I don’t know anyone like that, okay? You look like the son of some really rich family, so go back home before it gets late. This isn’t a place for kids like you.”
“Juwon-ah…”
“Hey, if the director catches you, you’ll be reported to the police as a runaway.”
“I don’t care about that. I’ll come back tomorrow.”
Despite Juwon’s warning, Hajin spent the night hiding from people and returned to the orphanage the next day to see Juwon.
However, what was waiting for Hajin wasn’t Juwon, but Chairman Seo—who’d rushed to the orphanage because Juwon had tattled on him.
The vicious Chairman Seo tormented Hahyun instead of Hajin to make sure Hajin would never think of running away again, effectively tying him down.
In the end, the cause of all the tragedy the brothers experienced was Yoon Juwon.
***
After the long story ended, I stared at Hajin in a daze. Kids can be so cruel. To do something like that just out of jealousy toward a friend…
But looking at it from another angle, Juwon might not have known that Hajin was being abused, and he might’ve thought what he was doing was for Hajin’s benefit. After all, people’s memories change depending on who’s recalling them.
Still, I felt heartbroken for young Hajin who’d suffered so much.
“I’m sorry. I don’t remember it well, but it’s clear I did something terrible.”
Hajin gave a bitter smile, lifting only one corner of his mouth.
“Later, Juwon said this to me. He thanked me. Said it was because of me that he was able to join this company.”
“…What? What does that mean?”
He didn’t make a deal with Chairman Seo, abandoning Hajin, did he? A kid who was only eighteen couldn’t be that cruel…
“If you heard the story, you should understand. He made a deal, using me as leverage. I think he asked to be accepted as a model after graduation.”
“What?”
I was so shocked I couldn’t speak. How must he have felt, betrayed by his first love and having to endure that abuse? I couldn’t even begin to imagine his pain. Compared to what he went through, the hardships I endured because of my parents’ debt seemed like nothing.
“Don’t make that expression. I was kind of happy, in my own way.”
“Happy? How is that even possible?”
Hajin lightly pinched my cheek and let go.
“Why would I be happy? Because I could see you that way.”
“My god…”
I suddenly realized that this was a novel written by Kim Hyunju. What seemed impossible in reality—being obsessively fixated on one person and dedicating all your pure love to them—they say that’s what BL novels are about, and they were absolutely right.
