Chapter 30
***
I stared in confusion at Hajin, who sat cross-legged in a chair across from the bed, reading a book. After making plans to go out, and following Hahyun’s suggestion that we take a bath together to celebrate our reconciliation—all the way through washing up—I’d been racking my brain for ways to avoid spending another night with Hajin.
But he’d been like this since I entered his room. It must have been over an hour by now. Of course, if Hajin planned to spend the whole night just reading, I couldn’t ask for anything better. Still, not knowing his intentions left me on edge.
Hajin, who’d been absorbed in his book and pretending I didn’t exist, suddenly looked up and our eyes met. Heat flooded my face at being caught staring.
“Can’t sleep?”
“No, I was about to—I’m tired—but how am I supposed to sleep with the light on?”
I made the excuse even though the room was spacious enough and the reading lamp only lit the area around his book. Hajin’s lips curved into a faint smile. His expression suggested he saw right through me but would let it slide for today, which only embarrassed me more.
“I see. How inconsiderate of me.”
Hajin closed his book, turned off the reading lamp, and lay down on the bed. I quickly squeezed my eyes shut and pretended to sleep. In the pitch-black room, there was no movement to indicate he was beside me—only the faint scent of his body. For no reason at all, my heart was pounding.
Come on, just sleep. Don’t do anything you’ll regret out of stupid curiosity.
But sleep wouldn’t come. If he’d been constantly clinging to me like Hahyun, I could have at least prepared some awkward defense. But with him doing absolutely nothing, I was going out of my mind with frustration.
It was so quiet I worried he might hear my racing heartbeat. I was anxious I might cave and speak first out of curiosity, but also terrified he might suddenly roll over and pounce on me. I felt like prey a predator had decided to save for later.
“Um…”
I broke first. Though I hadn’t actually heard anything, I could have sworn he was laughing.
“Earlier you said it was the light. So what is it now?”
Right. I lost this little standoff. So what? What are you going to do about it?
Coolly accepting defeat, I decided to satisfy my curiosity while I was at it.
“I just… can’t fall asleep.”
This time, Hajin laughed out loud. My entire body felt like it was burning with embarrassment.
“The night is long, and our Juwon can’t sleep…”
And what do you want to do about it? I was filling in the rest myself. I shuddered at where my own mind was going without any prompting.
“Juwon.”
He said my name and extended his long arm to slip under my neck. His voice, cutting through the darkness, resonated deep in my ears. I shivered.
“Turn on your side.”
I naturally started turning toward Hajin. He laughed.
“Not that way. Turn away from me.”
Even when I’d been completely naked with their hands washing me, I hadn’t felt this level of embarrassment. But just now was several times worse than that. I wanted to turn quickly, but my body wouldn’t cooperate. As my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I could start to make out his form. His blue eyes gleamed brightly, freezing me in place.
Still, he waited patiently without a word until I turned over. He really did have incredible patience.
I slowly turned. His large hand smoothed down my hair, then traveled down from the nape of my neck. I should be resisting, saying I didn’t want this, but I couldn’t move or speak.
It’s just my… back. It’s fine.
While I was forcibly rationalizing this and struggling internally, his hand reached my waist and began firmly massaging both sides of my hips and lower back.
“The doctor said sudden movements could strain your back. He told me to massage you like this before bed.”
“…”
What was I even expecting? Ha. Once again, I was the only fool here. I had no shame left to lose. I wanted to kick the blankets hard.
Regardless, Hajin’s hands were incredibly skilled. He said he was a model, so why was he so good at massage?
“Do you remember?”
What kind of answer does someone expect when they ask an amnesiac if they remember something? My already sour mood twisted further, to the point where I wanted to pick a fight with Hajin just for breathing. He didn’t seem interested in my answer anyway and continued his monologue.
“The day you were laid up after overdoing it during walking practice, I massaged your back then too…”
Yoon Juwon quietly let him massage his back? No way. That couldn’t be right…
“That day, you were furious with me too. I’d unilaterally canceled your show again.”
“That was pretty harsh of you.”
A soft laugh came from behind my neck. Where his breath touched grew hot.
“I know. I don’t know why I was so irritated with you back then. Anyway, you—who’d get all hostile whenever I came near—became docile when you couldn’t move. It seemed like an opportunity, so I massaged you just like this. With that nasty temper of yours, you didn’t stop cursing even while I was massaging you.”
I wanted to say he deserved it for unilaterally canceling a show I’d worked so hard to prepare for, but I couldn’t get the words out because of the sadness I caught in his voice.
“And after ten minutes, then twenty minutes—do you know what happened?”
“Did I kick you away and shove you off?”
“Ha, I was careful because I thought you might, but fortunately, no.”
“Then what?”
“After ranting for ages, I realized at some point you’d stopped responding. I looked at your face, and you were sound asleep. Pretty shameless, weren’t you?”
Hajin’s voice was full of affection as he said it. While Hahyun’s emotions were simple and raw—easy to read—Hajin’s were impossible to decipher. It was strange that he seemed to love me but had never said so, and at the same time, there was this deep hatred.
What happened between us? Why do you like me but also hate me? Did I do something wrong besides pushing you away?
I sorted through questions in my mind, but since none fit the moment, I swallowed them.
Hajin stopped the massage and pressed against my back, embracing me. My body nestled into his arms like it was made to fit there.
I tensed up completely. But Hajin just breathed steadily, as if he was going to sleep like this without doing anything else. The strange sensation rising from my toes every time his hot breath touched my ear had to belong to Yoon Juwon, not me. It didn’t make sense for me to feel this way when a man held me from behind—I wasn’t gay.
Afraid Hajin would hear my heartbeat, I could barely breathe properly as I waited for him to fall asleep. After a long silence, when his breathing became regular, I finally closed my eyes with relief.
“Juwon, are you asleep?”
I stayed quiet and pretended to sleep. Sure, it was underhanded to fall asleep first after promising to do something tonight, but wasn’t that Hajin’s fault?
If he was going to do something, he should have done it earlier. After dragging it out this long, it was too late now.
I heard a sigh from behind. Afraid of being caught, I held my breath as he whispered in my ear like he was talking to himself.
“So you’re just lying still because you’re asleep. I thought so. I was wondering…”
When he seemed to accept it so easily, I felt a pang of guilt.
Wait—guilty? Why should I? Feeling sorry for someone who might devour me while I’m bound here like prey… Stockholm syndrome was truly terrifying.
“Back then, you were always hostile, and whenever I touched you, it hurt my pride.”
My eyes flew open at his next words. What was different now, then?
Seo Hajin, that’s not it. Touching someone while they’re sleeping hurts your pride no matter what. If you’re going to call yourself a man, you should think about seducing me properly. Does it make sense to touch someone while they’re asleep?
There was so much I wanted to say to stop him, but I had to keep my mouth shut to maintain the act, and it was driving me crazy.
“These days, we’re getting to know each other… with good feelings.”
When I heard Hajin clearly enunciate each syllable of “get-ting-to-know,” I realized he’d played me again.
“No, seriously, what’s wrong with you? Is it fun tricking someone when you know they’re onto you?”
I heard Hajin laugh. He laughed so hard that my body, pressed tight against his, shook with him.
“It’s not like there’s something wrong with your—”
I was about to curse more harshly but stopped mid-sentence, remembering the warning that even Hahyun couldn’t win against him when he suddenly turned scary. This only made Hajin laugh harder, making my blood boil.
“Ah, I was reading earlier, but I couldn’t help myself—you were so funny and cute. Who told you to act so adorable?”
Ugh… I gritted my teeth to keep from gagging and nearly bit my lip. Was he actually insane? Or just a pervert?
“What do you mean? I didn’t do anything.”
Hajin pressed his body even closer to mine.
“What do you mean you didn’t do anything… I saw everything.”
“…”
“Every time I moved, you were craning your neck to look.”
