Chapter 26
I moved my body to the corner of the sofa, trying to avoid Hajin as he kept closing in.
“Teacher?”
Hajin’s upper body tilted toward me, causing my body to naturally fall backward. Although it was meant to be an evasive movement, it ended up putting me in a position where I was half-lying down with him on top of me. To stop Hajin, who was still coming closer, I quickly corrected myself.
“Um, y-you can speak informally. You don’t have to use formal speech.”
“Why? This seems fun…”
“No, I—I think I made a mistake.”
“A mistake? This is no mistake. By the way, you look even more handsome up close. Well, our teacher was a model, after all.”
I wished he would stop after that first comment, but Hajin kept making embarrassing remarks in formal speech while his lips were pressed against my ear. I was thinking that what I’d done yesterday was already in the past, wishing Hahyun would come back right now to stop this, when unbelievably, I heard the sound of the door lock being pressed.
“Wow, the timing is incredible.”
I relaxed, thinking Hajin would naturally get off me, but instead of getting off, he pressed even closer.
Hahyun, who opened the door and entered, was so startled to see the two of us with our bodies overlapping on the sofa that he dropped his phone with a thud.
“The sun hasn’t even set yet—what are you doing!”
Hajin replied nonchalantly while still holding me.
“We’re sharing love.”
“Hyung, now is not the time.”
Both Hajin and I were surprised by Hahyun’s unusually serious reaction and looked at each other’s faces. It was a look that said, Did he eat something wrong?
“Send Juwon to his room and talk to me.”
Hajin, sensing the gravity in Hahyun’s response, got up lightly. Then he kissed my cheek and said,
“Go to your room first. I’ll call you when it’s time to eat.”
“I told you to stop speaking formally.”
“Yes.”
It was a joke to the very end.
***
Hahyun closed his eyes tightly at the scene he’d witnessed as soon as he came home. He wanted to break everything around him, but he tried to control that impulse. Actually, he should have controlled himself in front of Secretary Kim, not in front of Hajin. He should have been more composed, but he’d made a mistake.
After entering his room, Hahyun sat on the edge of the bed and just stared at the door. Not long after, Hajin came in. Hajin was shocked to see Hahyun’s pale face and approached him quickly.
“Hy-hyung…”
“What’s wrong? What happened?”
“Th-that… I couldn’t control myself in front of Secretary Kim… I mean, I couldn’t hold back.”
Hajin bit his lip as he looked at Hahyun, who had reverted to a frightened child. At times like this, he always harmed some part of himself, so Hajin needed to check his condition first.
Hajin’s gaze fell on Hahyun’s fist.
What did he hit to make his hand like that?
Looking at the trembling Hahyun, his childhood memories naturally came flooding back.
***
When Hajin was in middle school, there was just one time when he’d arrived late to modeling school because he was eating tteokbokki with his friends. Although he was a bit worried, he thought it wouldn’t be a big deal since he was only a little late, but when he arrived home, he had to face Chairman Seo holding a golf club.
Looks like our Hajin enjoyed his tteokbokki?
I’m sorry, Father.
Chairman Seo, conscious of others’ eyes, didn’t create visible injuries. As if mocking Hajin’s expectation that the beating would stop once his buttocks were completely bruised from the golf club, Chairman Seo went up to Hahyun’s room.
After that, as always, he started beating Hahyun for absurd reasons. At first, he’d beaten Hajin directly, but after Hajin began shielding Hahyun with his body, he started beating Hahyun whenever Hajin made any mistake. Hahyun, who had been abused since he was even younger, began to change from that point on.
Like someone who couldn’t control his impulses, he would throw things at the house staff, behave aggressively, and when he grew bigger, he even seized Chairman Seo’s golf club and swung it back at him. Unable to contain his anger, Chairman Seo sent Hahyun to a mental hospital. Hajin later learned that people who had been to that place might appear perfect on the outside, but they were festering inside.
Ah, no. Hyung, we can never go back to that place again.
From then on, Hahyun outwardly transformed into the son Chairman Seo wanted. Like a puppet who didn’t speak, only studied, and demanded nothing.
I don’t give special treatment just because he’s my biological son. Think carefully about what will happen if you run away from home one more time.
Chairman Seo had sent Hahyun, not Hajin, to the mental hospital because Hajin had run away from home, unable to endure the abuse, and was caught. Of course, the official reason was that Hahyun had dared to swing a golf club, failing to recognize his own father.
Chairman Seo was crueler than one could imagine. Hajin felt despair then, and hatred toward humanity itself.
Every time he saw Hahyun becoming increasingly unstable, Hajin could barely breathe from the guilt.
***
Those wounds created back then still remain.
A headache accompanied the long-forgotten memories that suddenly surfaced.
“Hyung, I… don’t… want to… go. I tried to hold back… but, that…”
The boy who usually cried so easily in front of Juwon couldn’t even cry properly now because he was trembling with fear. As always in these situations, Hahyun began to list the crimes committed by Chairman Seo.
Hajin silently embraced Hahyun and patted him.
“Hahyun, Father is gone now. He’s dead.”
Unfocused eyes turned toward Hajin.
“The person who hit you, the one who could lock you up in a mental hospital—he’s gone. It’s okay.”
Even after repeating the same words several times, Hahyun didn’t seem to understand at all.
Should I use that method again?
Having found a way to calm Hahyun, Hajin looked directly into his eyes.
***
Hahyun’s pale face, Hajin’s unusual reaction—everything was strange.
I carefully left my room without making any noise and stood in front of Hahyun’s door. I held my breath and focused all my senses on my ears. I could hear voices, but not clearly enough to make out the words. Not discouraged, I pressed my ear against the door. The voices started to become clearer.
***
Hajin realized that Hahyun regained his senses more quickly when talking about Juwon, even in his disoriented state, so he deliberately brought up Juwon’s name.
“Hahyun, what did you say was the name of the person you love?”
“Yoon Juwon.”
Hahyun’s pupils moved slowly to meet Hajin’s gaze. Though there was no focus in his eyes, his voice was clear when calling Juwon’s name.
“Do you love Yoon Juwon? Why? Because he killed Father? Or because he made it so you don’t have to go to that place? Or is there another reason?”
Instead of simply asking why he loved him, Hajin had his own reasons for asking such a lengthy question. Right now, Hahyun’s mind was filled only with the delusion that he might be taken to a terrible place. The only way to bring him back to normal was to repeatedly tell him that the delusion wasn’t reality until he was conditioned into believing it.
Usually when Hajin spoke like this, Hahyun would gradually return to reality as he mulled over Hajin’s words.
“Why do I love Yoon Juwon, you ask?”
This was the first time he’d asked back, so Hajin was too flustered to respond.
What? Has he already come back to his senses?
Observing Hahyun carefully, he didn’t seem to have regained himself yet, as his eyes still lacked focus. Hahyun, who had been staring straight ahead as if thinking, opened his mouth after a while.
“You’re asking if I love Yoon Juwon because he killed Father? No, I would have loved Yoon Juwon even if he hadn’t done anything. Where is there a ‘why’ in love? Love is love, and if it’s not, it’s not. Hyung, why are you always so complicated about everything? There’s no reason why I love Yoon Juwon.”
Hahyun’s words didn’t hurt Hajin’s feelings. Hajin, who had needed reasons to be loved all his life, thought that he should also have reasons to love. For Hajin, who didn’t even know the faces of his biological parents—who should have given him unconditional love—it was natural to think that way.
The only unconditional things Hajin had were the guilt and sense of debt he felt toward Hahyun, and the absolution he gave only to Hahyun.
Hajin smiled happily as he saw that Hahyun had returned to normal faster than before.
“You’re back.”
Hahyun nodded slowly without answering.
“Can’t you change your repertoire? It’s always the same. Why?”
“I’ve tried several different approaches, but talking about Yoon Juwon has been the most effective.”
Hahyun, who added that he was tired of the same things, fell into thought for a moment and then spoke up.
“Just tell me something sexy then. With Yoon Juwon as the subject, of course.”
Hajin sighed deeply, thinking that it might not be entirely good that Hahyun had returned to normal, but then felt guilty toward Hahyun for having such a thought.
“Enough. I won’t talk about Yoon Juwon with normal Hahyun.”
As he was about to get up and leave, Hahyun suddenly grabbed Hajin’s wrist.
“Hyung, by the way, where is Yoon Juwon right now?”
Although he’d been distracted because of Hahyun, Hajin wasn’t careless enough to lose track of Juwon.
“I saw him going to his room before I came in here.”
“Did you lock the door then?”
“…Why?”
“Fuck! Have you already forgotten that Yoon Juwon pretended to sleepwalk when we weren’t around?”
Hajin’s face gradually turned pale as he was about to say, “Why does that…” He had momentarily forgotten how active Juwon had been in trying to recover his memories, distracted by Hahyun’s rare episode.
If this was the Yoon Juwon who had devised strange strategies to search the house when the brothers weren’t around, he might be outside the room right now, listening to their conversation.
Memories tend to return with very simple triggers. Hajin was afraid that if Juwon’s memories returned, he would go back to his previous resigned state and the current Juwon would disappear—but he pretended to be calm on the outside.
“He’ll have to know eventually, right? If he knows he’s a wanted criminal, he might cooperate with us more. The amnesiac Juwon is a bit more rational than the previous Juwon.”
Hahyun, whose mind was already half-consumed by the thought that Juwon might have heard the brothers’ words, didn’t even listen to Hajin and flung the door open. Finding Juwon right in front of him, Hahyun reflexively cursed.
“Ah, shit…!”
Yoon Juwon, who should have already fled if he’d been eavesdropping all this time, was sitting on the floor, apparently in shock.
