Chapter 23
Hahyun asked, “Are you done talking?” and then added with a serious expression:
“Now I’ll show you how to speak with sincerity. Listen carefully.”
I nodded weakly.
“I’m going to do it today, no matter what. I need today to happen for there to be a next time. If there are stages like you said, I need to progress quickly so we can do it again next time. That’s why I’m feeling really urgent right now.”
I wanted to blurt out ‘It’s your body that’s urgent,’ but I held back. Just as Hahyun had said he’d show me how to speak sincerely, his words were dripping with honesty. It was painful how well I understood his feelings when I didn’t want to.
Yet I didn’t want to be forced into a relationship with Hahyun either. If I had to be with someone here inevitably, I thought Hajin might be better than Hahyun for the first time.
I’m going crazy. Kim Sojin… How is Hajin any better? The normal reaction should be to dislike being with any man, whether it’s Hajin or Hahyun.
Coming back to my senses, I asked Hahyun a question to somehow escape this situation.
“What if I’m not ready yet? Would you still do it?”
After rolling his eyes as if thinking for a moment, Hahyun spoke without hesitation.
“Yes! But I’m not planning to tie you up, so don’t worry. With someone like you, my strength is enough to… Huh? Why are you looking at me like that again? I told you not to open your eyes like that.”
When I stiffened at his statement about forcing me, Hahyun’s confidence faltered. Seeing this, I realized that exploiting Hahyun’s desire to please me would be a much better approach than talking nonsense about the art of seduction or playing hard to get.
“Hahyun-ssi, it’s only natural to glare at someone who’s threatening to rape you.”
“How is this rape? You said you like me. You were the one who first said you’d sleep with me tonight, then changed your mind. Why are you making me out to be a rapist when I’m being decent?”
“Even between people who like each other, forcing yourself on someone when they don’t want it is rape.”
Hahyun didn’t reply and just pushed out his lips. Sensing an opportunity, I changed my strategy.
“If Hahyun-ssi promises not to force himself on me, I’ll reciprocate to some degree because I did say I would. With my heart in it. Sincerely.”
Hahyun responded timidly in a small voice.
“What if you don’t like it…”
“What could I do? I’d just have to endure it. I’d hate Hahyun-ssi for forcing me against my will, and my heart would be wounded. It would take a long time for that to heal.”
Hahyun asked with a horrified expression.
“Are you saying you’d hate me for all that time?”
I silently nodded. Hahyun’s face contorted before my eyes, and soon tears began to fall. No matter how many times I saw him cry like this, I couldn’t get used to it. Not knowing what to do, I cradled his cheeks.
“Why are you crying again? If you don’t want me to hate you, just don’t force me.”
“If I don’t force you, will you love me?”
I wasn’t sure if he added “sincerely” at the end because it was barely audible. But seeing him bow his head as if he doubted he could be loved, even after asking such a question, was pitiful.
Was it normal to feel sympathy for a man who’d threatened to rape me? Perhaps I was going crazy like them.
I knew about Stockholm Syndrome and was trying not to fall into it, but it was hard to suppress the compassion I felt for the brothers that kept surfacing.
I rubbed his eyes with my thumb. His gaze, which had been fixed on the floor, turned toward me. It was an indefinable look—seemingly pure like a child’s, yet tinged with fear.
“See? You can’t say it. I knew this would happen. Even if I endure, wait, and do everything the way you like it, you still won’t love me. If that’s the case, I might as well…”
The familiar words penetrated my ears. I realized why they were familiar—they were from the original story. It was the line where he said that if he couldn’t be loved even after enduring and doing everything the other person wanted, he might as well do whatever he wanted and be hated. Afraid of what he might do if left to his delusions, I looked straight into his eyes and said:
“I don’t hate you, Hahyun-ssi. If we spend a lot of good time together, affection will grow.”
“You’re not saying you’ll love me. Just that your feelings… No, I hate being hated even more. I’ve had enough of that already. Do you know how shitty it was to be openly disrespected? After enduring all of that…”
Hahyun, whose voice seemed to choke up, stopped mid-sentence and cried for a long time while holding onto me, perhaps remembering the past. I couldn’t understand the history between Hahyun and the real Juwon, but I could guess how many “shitty” situations Hahyun had endured, as he put it. I didn’t push him away but stroked his back.
After crying for a while, Hahyun suddenly raised his head and looked at me. Tears were still flowing from his eyes.
“I love you. Hyung, I love you. Really. If you asked me to die with you, I could do it. I…”
How could one person be so blind toward another? From what I’d heard, it didn’t seem like Juwon had ever treated him kindly, so was all this just because he had a handsome face?
I was beginning to feel more sorry for Hahyun than for Juwon.
“Alright. Stop crying now. I didn’t say no, so if you keep crying, what am I supposed to do?”
I patted his back continuously until my wrist hurt. Then, to change the mood, I spoke up.
“I’m curious about something.”
Hahyun looked at me with wide eyes, as if surprised.
“Wh-what is it? You’re curious about me? This is the first time Juwon hyung has shown interest in me like this.”
“Ah, it’s nothing that significant.”
“I don’t care what it is. Ask me anything, even strange questions.”
I’d only intended to make a joke to change the atmosphere, but seeing Hahyun so happy just from that made me feel even more apologetic.
I was reminded once again that what Hahyun truly wanted wasn’t to tie me up or have a sexual relationship, but to receive affection. So with a gentle smile, I pressed my fingertips against Hahyun’s still-wet cheek and said:
“Hahyun-ssi, do you cry like a baby outside too? People will make fun of you. A grown man crying so loudly.”
“Ah, what is this? I thought… So you weren’t curious, you just wanted to tease me.”
“Why? Is that not allowed? I actually like teasing people. So I only tease those I like.”
“…Then tease me. If that’s what you like, I can’t do anything about it. But you know.”
“Yes?”
“Are you really not going to do anything? Even if not all the way, at least a little…”
Hahyun trailed off, watching my reaction. I contemplated two options: Should I suggest we just hold hands and sleep? Or should I at least kiss him?
Having made my decision, I squeezed my eyes shut and said:
“I won’t take off my clothes. I’m still embarrassed about that…”
Before I could finish speaking, Hahyun pulled me into his arms. Since my eyes were closed, I couldn’t see, but I felt a slight trembling through our bodies and knew that our chests were pressed together.
Hahyun, who’d seemed like he would press his lips against mine at any moment, just held me for a while. My body seemed to heat up from his warm body temperature. At the same time, a ticklish sensation enveloped my body. It would’ve been better if he did something—just being held like this made it even more awkward.
“Um, Hahyun-ssi?”
“…Yes.”
Because he was holding me, Hahyun’s voice came from uncomfortably close. His voice, which sounded like his lips were right against my ear, made me feel as if a weak current was running through me.
“I’ve wanted to hold Juwon hyung like this… I’ve never done this before.”
That was probably true. Juwon would’ve struggled to escape as soon as they embraced.
“I was so angry that I had to tie you up to do anything… Back then, even when kissing, I felt empty inside.”
“Is it different now?”
“Yes. It feels amazing. I feel like I’ve done it about ten times, even though I haven’t put it in or come.”
It was still difficult to hear such words, but I was pleased that Hahyun, whom I’d thought was a crazy person incapable of reason, was now obediently listening to me, so I let him be.
Hahyun began to slowly move his hands down from my waist. His large hands passed over my buttocks and stroked the back of my thighs. The tingling sensation made the soles of my feet itch.
Thinking that his claim about being content just holding me was a complete lie, I pulled my waist back, and Hahyun looked at me with round eyes as if wondering why.
“Y-your hand…”
“What about my hand?”
Afraid he might do something worse if I prevented him from touching me, I changed the subject.
“My arm’s falling asleep from lying on my side, haha.”
Hahyun blinked at me, then moved a little away, sighed, and hugged me again.
Whether he was feeling pleasure or trembling, I wasn’t sure, but Hahyun couldn’t hold me tightly and just rested his chin on my shoulder. I snuggled deeper into his embrace as a form of compensation.
“Haah.”
Hahyun’s hot breath tickled my neck and ear.
“I’m not doing anything because you seem scared… but I feel like my heart’s going to burst.”
His whispered words penetrated my ear. I firmly embraced him, even though he was keeping a slight distance. Hahyun’s chest heaved like a pubescent boy’s.
After doing so many worse things…
His cheeks flushed bright red, his rapidly beating heart, and the sighs he kept exhaling revealed how difficult it was for him to hold back right now.
Hahyun’s blind love for someone who wouldn’t even look at him weighed heavily on my heart.
