Chapter 14
Anxiety crept up to my throat at the word “possessed.” He probably wasn’t saying it because he actually knew, but because he was surprised by behavior so different from the original Yoon Juwon. Still, as someone who’d actually transmigrated, that word didn’t sound casual to me.
“I guess you’ve forgotten everything about our father and your sponsors too? Well, it makes sense you’d forget those people—nothing but dirty memories—when you’ve even forgotten yourself.”
I felt dizzy at his voice, which carried a dangerous edge, as if threatening me. Sponsors… Being in the film industry myself, I knew actors openly had sponsors, but I hadn’t thought Juwon was like that.
If Yoon Juwon had behaved promiscuously, then of course he’d react this way to me suddenly talking about stages of physical intimacy.
How should I fix this? My head was spinning because I couldn’t take back what I’d already said.
After a while, Hajin, who’d been staring blankly into space, finally spoke.
“Fine, Yoon Juwon. Whether you’ve really become someone else or you’re playing some sick prank to escape a hopeless situation, it doesn’t matter. Because I haven’t changed.”
“I haven’t become someone else and I’m not playing a prank, but I don’t really understand what you mean by not having changed.”
Hajin brought his face close to mine. I couldn’t even pull away—I felt increasingly trapped the closer he got. He cupped my cheek with one hand and slowly closed and opened his eyes. When our gazes met, I swallowed hard.
“I have an obligation to teach someone who’s lost their memory everything from the beginning again.”
The warmth of his hand on my cheek was burning hot, but my body temperature kept dropping.
“The day you first kissed my lips…”
He pronounced each word with emphasis, his voice sounding choked.
“I’ll show you.”
The moment he finished speaking, his lips touched mine. I’d thought of several ways to avoid this situation if it came to it. But the moment his lips met mine, my breathing became difficult and my mind went numb, making it impossible to do anything. Even when I tried to move my stiffened body, the breath that collided slowly—as if savoring the moment—only made my body freeze more.
Progress… I mean, stages… I’m Yoon Juwon who’s conservative about physical intimacy…
My thoughts scattered and regathered repeatedly. So this is what it feels like to be on the receiving end. I helplessly collapsed under a kiss completely different from the ones I’d initiated.
How much time had passed? After a while, Hajin removed his lips and slightly parted my lower lip with his index finger, then twisted his mouth into a smile.
“Have you forgotten how to kiss too? There should be sensations your body remembers… How is it? Do your memories come back after the kiss?”
Emotions like long-harbored love-hate and resentment were visible on Hajin’s face.
It was strange that all of a person’s emotions could be conveyed like this even though I’d only heard minimal information in such a short moment. What was even stranger was that Hajin didn’t seem scary—he seemed pitiful instead.
“I must have done a lot of things wrong.”
“To think I’d live to hear such words from Juwon—life really is something.”
“I don’t remember, but if I did something wrong, I hope you won’t be too sad…”
“What’s the point of dredging up old stories? Just open your mouth.”
He crashed his lips against mine at a different speed than before. Rough breaths mixed messily, and I could taste the sticky blood from where he’d bitten. Despite the shocking situation, I became curious about what had happened between this man and Yoon Juwon, or between the brothers and Yoon Juwon. Throughout the kiss, my curiosity, once ignited, showed no signs of subsiding but continued to grow.
“Haa…”
“Progress? Stages of intimacy? Hearts connecting first? You shouldn’t say such things to me. I don’t know about others, but you, Yoon Juwon, shouldn’t do that to me.”
His voice as he spat out the words was full of sadness. I felt sorry for him and curious about what had happened. But separate from that, I belatedly realized that what I was doing now was making out with a man as the kiss became increasingly rough.
I tried somehow to break free from him. The more I struggled, the more Hajin seemed stimulated, gripping my wrist with one hand and firmly supporting the back of my head with the other, pressing his lips in deeper.
“Haa, ha…”
I quickly inhaled what little breath I could during the brief separation. Soon our lips collided again. The slow kiss that followed—as if apologizing for the rough kiss earlier—was even harder to endure.
It was ticklish, hot, suffocating, and my heart felt like it would burst out of my chest. But to deny all these sensations, I repeated inside:
I’m a person without feelings. So I don’t feel anything. Even if I do feel something, it’s just a struggle to survive, not because I actually want to be gay.
However, no matter how many times I told myself I wasn’t feeling what I was actually feeling, I couldn’t deceive my senses. Fearing I might completely fall for this man, I pushed him with all my strength. Unlike before, this time he was easily pushed away.
I got up from the sofa and stood in a corner as far away from him as possible. I worried about what to do if he followed and grabbed me again, but Hajin just sat there quietly, looking at me with dry eyes. To avoid being swayed by his pitiful gaze, I clenched my fists and glared at him.
“Does it feel good to kiss someone without their consent like this?”
“…”
“Is this what you call love, Hajin-ssi?”
At my words, Hajin’s eyes wavered dangerously. But that was only for a moment. Returning to cold eyes, he said:
“I never said I loved you.”
With those words, all the information I’d known until now became a jumbled mess.
He never said he loved me? Wait—if he doesn’t even love me, why is he keeping a perfectly normal person captive here? If this isn’t love… what on earth…
Amidst my confusion, he slowly opened his mouth.
“Hahyun says he loves you.”
“Ah, really? Then Hajin-ssi is someone who forcibly kisses a person he doesn’t even love.”
Despite my criticism, he just quietly stared at me without saying anything. I reached a peak of criticism, practically talking to myself.
“Even more trash.”
Why am I like this? It’s not like I’ve lost my fear—I’m still afraid of him—but the words came out on their own without passing through my brain. Having been forcibly kissed, I had every right to be angry, but I was confused whether I was angry at Hajin or at myself.
“You’ve called me trash before. I’ve admitted many times that I’m trash.”
He slowly walked toward me. It was a dignified walk befitting a model, but I became more afraid as he approached. I stepped back to avoid him. However, I soon felt a solid wall behind my back and realized I couldn’t run any further.
“D-don’t come closer. You said you don’t love me.”
Ignoring my words lightly, he trapped me where I was cornered. A large hand gripped my chin. Then he pressed me down with his solid upper body, making it impossible for me to move an inch.
“Why… don’t you… love…”
“Why are you curious whether I love you or not while rejecting me?”
Seeing Hajin tilt his head to the side as if genuinely curious rather than intending to criticize or mock me, I realized I’d misspoken. Being curious about someone’s feelings was evidence of having feelings for them.
Huh? If that means having feelings, then I haven’t done anything wrong… I can be a bit more confident.
Having found an answer in the heat of the moment, I roughly brushed off his hand.
“I’ve told you many times that love is important. I don’t like physical intimacy without emotions involved. If I hadn’t been interested in Hajin-ssi from the beginning, I wouldn’t have said to take things slowly or to think about it seriously.”
My head throbbed from Hajin’s burning gaze as he examined every part of my face with softened eyes. Unable to bear his stare, I turned my head, and he moved the hand that had been holding my chin to block the opposite side.
“You know what? Before you lost your memory, you made me despair every day.”
His voice as he spoke—almost like a monologue—was full of sadness. I didn’t have the confidence to meet his eyes, so I lowered my gaze. The muscles visible through his shirt, unbuttoned by about two buttons, looked both firm and delicate.
“But the current Yoon Juwon gives me hope. Makes me smile, makes my heart flutter…”
“You said you don’t love…”
I grumbled quietly. A soft laugh poured over the top of my head.
“Right, I never said I loved you. Because I didn’t love you.”
It was clearly a sophism, but somehow I felt I could understand what those words meant.
Beautiful and lovely things, supernatural phenomena not easily understood, things that couldn’t be explained in one simple word… I liked such things, which is why I chose film—a comprehensive art form. Was that why? Everything this beautiful man said seemed right.
I knew this wasn’t the time for such thoughts, and I knew that this beautiful and dangerous man kept throwing stones at my heterosexual identity, but I couldn’t stop thinking about Hajin.
“My feelings for you aren’t singular. I’ve never been able to fully define them in fragments. That’s still the case now. Juwon…”
His voice, cracking at the end, painfully penetrated my ears. Hajin’s long fingers brushed the corner of my lips.
“Do you know that the despair after hope hurts even more?”
Sympathizing with the phrase “despair after hope,” and completely out of place with the heavy atmosphere, I recalled the three times my screenplay had been rejected. Had the emotion that felt like my heart was collapsing just at the thought shown on my face? Hajin’s fingertips, tracing my lips, trembled slightly.
“You have a face that understands everything. That’s a relief. If you understand that emotion, you won’t reject me. Right?”
Before I could answer, our lips locked again.
