While combing through my hair with my hand after it had been completely dried, I said, “It’s done. You can get up now.”
But Hahyun remained frozen, not moving at all. When I tapped his shoulder, the spot where my hand touched trembled slightly. Don’t tell me, again…?
“Hahyun, why are you like this? Let’s eat hamburgers.”
“Hic, hic…”
Sounds of crying leaked out. I turned my body to check Hahyun’s face. As expected, his eyes were brimming with tears.
“Why are you crying again?”
“Because it’s the first time someone has dried my hair for me.”
He must have grown up under his father’s abuse at an age when he needed a mother’s touch, so he cries at even small acts of kindness. At some point, seeing Hahyun cry became difficult for me, so I subtly changed the subject.
“You’re lying! They dry your hair at the salon.”
“…No. Not that kind of thing.”
“I know what you mean. I’m just saying don’t cry because it makes me sad when you do.”
“I still can’t believe it. That hyung puts up with my bad behavior, dries my hair, and says it makes him sad when I cry—it all feels amazing and dreamlike. And I keep tearing up, what should I do?”
I brought my face close to Hahyun’s and thoroughly examined his face. Hahyun pulled his shoulders back and gulped.
“You’re not crying now, are you?”
When I spoke with a smile, Hahyun said, “What? You made me nervous for nothing,” and pouted his lips.
“Were you afraid I might kiss you?”
“…Stop teasing me.”
“Then you stop crying too. If you don’t cry, I won’t tease you.”
“I’ll try. Let’s eat the hamburgers. I was really hungry.”
We sat across from each other at the table. Taking a bite of the hamburger with two meat patties, the bursting meat juice was really delicious.
“Why? Didn’t you eat lunch?”
Hahyun nodded while opening his mouth wide to bite into his hamburger. Half of the large hamburger was cleanly cut away, and it disappeared from his mouth without even being chewed much. Worried he might choke, I hurriedly handed him the cola.
“Eat slowly. I won’t take it away. But why did you starve today? Don’t they feed you at the company?”
“No, they do, but I was too worried to have an appetite. And I was a bit busy too.”
“…What were you worried about?”
Hahyun took a sip of cola, put it down, and rolled his eyes. Since this was what he always did when something was bothering him, I narrowed my eyes and watched him. Hahyun hesitated before opening his mouth.
“You said you were sleeping, but…”
I could guess the rest without hearing it. He probably let his imagination run wild again. Maybe imagining me sharing secrets with a non-existent internet friend, or scenes of me running away with Hajin.
Not wanting to see Hahyun dejected while revealing his own weaknesses, I steered the conversation in another direction.
“I guess you had no appetite because I wasn’t there. Now you can eat deliciously.”
Hahyun raised his gaze to look at me. Seeing his eyes curve at the corners, he seemed deeply moved. Feeling awkward about him being overly emotional over such a small thing, I drank some cola and put it down, then Hahyun spoke.
“You’re saying I had no appetite because you weren’t there? That’s true, but…”
What? He wasn’t moved?
“Actually, more than that, there’s something I really want you to understand.”
The suddenly serious atmosphere made me nervous about what might come out of Hahyun’s mouth. I wished he hadn’t brought it up, so I didn’t respond, but he continued on his own.
“When you’re not by my side and I can’t reach you, I just can’t do anything. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep…”
Since he’s always anxious even when we’re living together, it must be hard when we’re apart and can’t contact each other. I understand. But we couldn’t maintain a relationship trembling with anxiety forever.
I put some french fries in Hahyun’s mouth and asked, “How often do I need to contact you for Hahyun to be able to eat properly?”
Hahyun chewed the fries and answered, “It tastes better when you feed me.”
“No, I mean how often do I need to contact you to satisfy you?”
It was a necessary question for a healthy relationship. Just as the brothers were doing their best for me, I wanted to do what I could for them too. But for some reason, Hahyun couldn’t answer directly and kept changing the subject.
“The sauce on these fries. It’s onion powder, right? I think onion tastes better than chili… Huh? Why? Why are you looking at me like that? So scary.”
I was just staring at him in disbelief, but I guess my serious face looked intimidating.
“Why do you keep changing the subject? I asked how often I need to contact you to satisfy you.”
At my words, Hahyun took a deep breath and exhaled. After repeating this several times, he finally spoke with difficulty.
“I don’t like lying. It would make me the same as Seo Hajin…”
“And?”
“If I tell the truth, you might think I’m crazy.”
“…I won’t. I promise.”
“Really?”
“Yes.”
Hahyun opened his mouth as if to speak, then shook his head.
“I think it’s better not to say. Can’t you just not ask?”
“No, I can’t. This is a necessary question for our relationship.”
“Even though it’s so hard for me?”
“Yes.”
At my firm response, Hahyun frowned deeply. Then suddenly, saying he was hungry, he took a big bite of his hamburger.
I patiently waited for Hahyun to finish eating one hamburger while eating my share. Before I had eaten half of mine, Hahyun had already finished one clean and reached for another. I didn’t miss the opportunity and grabbed his wrist.
“Are you trying to be clever? You’ve eaten one, so your stomach must be somewhat full.”
“I still feel hungry.”
“What’s so difficult about answering? Is it because you think you have to say you need contact too often? It’s not like I don’t know you have separation anxiety.”
After a long time of hesitation and looking at me with wavering eyes, Hahyun finally opened his mouth.
“So, it’s not that I’m asking you to do this, I just don’t want to lie, so I’m being honest. I’m absolutely not saying you should do as I say.”
It’s not like he’d expect me to do exactly as he says anyway… Hahyun added in a small voice.
“…Why are you adding so many caveats? So how often do I need to contact you?”
“Every 10 minutes… no, 5 minutes? Actually, honestly, every minute. I think I could endure if you contacted me every minute.”
At Hahyun’s words, I dropped the hamburger I was holding. There’s a limit to making a relationship healthy through effort. Seeing me like this, Hahyun made a sad face.
“See? I told you I shouldn’t say anything, but you kept asking…”
“…”
“Are you disappointed?”
“No, I’m not disappointed…”
“Then do you hate me now?”
“Not that either.”
“I guess I’m not cute anymore.”
The sigh he let out at the end of his words was as heavy as my heart.
“I don’t understand. How can someone approach you if you keep your distance? Shouldn’t you be drawn to someone who gives you frequent attention? Unless you’re a pervert…”
On the surface, there was nothing wrong with what Hahyun said. If someone who didn’t know him heard it, they might mistakenly think he was capable of a healthy love, because his words seemed so right.
But that’s only possible to a certain extent. Being satisfied with contact every minute… How obsessed must a person be with another to come to such a conclusion? I was genuinely beginning to find Hahyun fascinating.
“Still, once every minute is too much.”
Hahyun stared at me. His face contorted as if he was about to cry, then straightened out as if he had made some kind of resolution.
“Don’t worry. I won’t make it like that.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean we don’t have to be apart. If we’re together all day, there’s no need to contact each other, and how nice would that be? Of course, I’d have to wait a bit when it’s not my turn, but at least you’d be right in front of my eyes.”
“…”
Was it just my wishful thinking to believe he was getting better? Is there really no way to cure Hahyun’s obsession?
Hahyun unwrapped a new hamburger and put it in my hand.
“Hyung, will you feed me again? Like you did with the french fries earlier?”
“Yes.”
With my mind in turmoil, I mechanically put the hamburger into Hahyun’s mouth. Hahyun gripped my wrist tightly with his hand, as if refusing to let go, and chewed and swallowed the hamburger in my hand. I had the illusion that he was gradually swallowing my hand.
Feelings of cuteness, pity, lovability, and apology toward Hahyun.
Feelings of reliability, hate, longing, suspicion, and anxiety when absent toward Hajin.
Can a relationship that evokes various emotions—not just one but two—be fully maintained without abandoning one? Is such a thing even possible?
That thought made me feel troubled.
Whether he knew my thoughts or not, Hahyun had already finished eating the hamburger in my hand and was licking the sauce off my fingers. I could only laugh in disbelief.
