Determination to Leave (1)
“He seems to have a bit of a fever too.”
“Really?”
“Can you go? We have to leave today.”
“Morning?”
“No. We’re already late, as you know. And if we take him, it’ll probably take even longer. So we need to leave a day early. Otherwise, it’ll interfere with my schedule too.”
Ruman squinted his eyes. He found him so irritating, pretending to be generous! Ruman acted as if he understood! No, what are those two even talking about with just their eyes!
“I can go. Let’s go! I’ll pack my things too.”
Endure it! I can endure it. There have been many days more painful than today! Today, hyung is even by my side, so there’s no way I can’t endure it. I gritted my teeth and lowered my legs under the bed. My legs were trembling. Ruman, who had been watching me unpleasantly, clicked his tongue.
“This won’t do. Let’s leave at dawn.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I said I can go!!”
“Ren. Don’t be stubborn.”
“……”
Is there really a need to be so serious about it?
Ruman glared at me as if threatening, and Temarr hyung nodded.
Whose side is hyung really on?
I don’t want to be a nuisance from the very first day.
Still, the words that I didn’t want to go with them no longer came out of my mouth.
Because I want to be with hyung. That’s been my wish since childhood.
Even if it’s annoying, I’m the one who wants it more. I know there’s nothing I can do about it!!
I pulled the blanket over my head and flopped down on my back.
After Temarr hyung’s hand patted me comfortingly, the sound of the two people’s footsteps faded away.
‘Is it okay to follow them? I still want to go though. But I’ve never even been outside the village….’
My heart pounded with fear and excitement, so I couldn’t fall asleep easily.
I dozed off lightly, and somehow it seemed like I could hear some kind of singing. When I followed that sound, a bright light enveloped me, and when I opened my eyes, dawn light was coming in through the window. A pale blue light resembling Temarr hyung’s aura.
***
“Haah.”
My breath rose white.
It was dawn. Somehow, tears came. Now I can go with hyung. I won’t be left behind alone. The days of waiting only for hyung in this lonely cabin are over now.
If I’m with hyung, it doesn’t have to be here.
I blinked blankly, then bolted upright.
“This isn’t the time to be doing this!”
I wiped my tears with my sleeves. My body was numb and aching, but still, this much is easy! I can move!
I put on my clothes, watched for any signs, and walked stealthily.
There’s still time left until departure, right?
I should prepare for the journey too. If they’re going out of their way to take me and I become a burden… they might send me back. I can’t be a nuisance to hyung! That guy Ruman doesn’t seem to like me either, so if I groan and collapse…….
I imagined returning to this cabin alone and shuddered. That imagination was colder than the winter wind, so to avoid trembling, I hurriedly ran to the old man’s house.
“Old man! Old man!!”
Bang bang bang! Bang bang bang!
I pounded the rusty iron door mercilessly.
“You brat! I’m not deaf.”
Clunk. The iron door opened and the old man stuck his head out, leaning on his cane.
I grasped the old man’s wrinkled hand with both of mine. The old man’s eyes widened.
“Inseok-ah. What’s the matter that you came running at this dawn? Hm? Are you hurt somewhere?!”
His wrinkled eyes carefully examined every part of my face. I shook my head vigorously.
“Aigu. I’m getting dizzy!”
“It’s not that… I’m leaving the village today.”
“Leaving? Where to? Don’t do this, come inside. Come in.”
The old man grasped my hand with the hand not holding his cane and led me inside. The old man’s hand was incredibly large and strong. Just holding it briefly made it tingle.
The old man’s house looked very old and shabby from the outside, but inside it was quite impressive. The room was dark like a cave, but the orange lighting was bright, making it rather cozy. Befitting an old man who ran a pharmacy, the fragrant and bitter smell of medicinal herbs wafted from everywhere in the house, and the display cases were full of unknown medicine bottles.
Also, there were quite a few things that looked expensive.
“Woow….”
And there was a glittering object I hadn’t seen before!
It was a necklace, with a very small yellow jewel embedded in it. But looking closely, the jewel wasn’t yellow but emitting various colors of light. As if hiding a star from the sky, it appeared white, and it also seemed to contain a blue meteor. When I stared at it with sparkling eyes, the old man turned around with an “Hm?” and let go of my hand to pick up the necklace.
“Do you like it? Ren.”
“N-no! I, I just looked because it was pretty!”
What do I do!! Coming to someone else’s house and staring at an expensive item for so long!! It must have looked like I was pestering him to give it to me! I shook my head so hard my skull felt like it would shake. The old man was startled and threw down his cane and necklace on the floor, then grabbed my head.
“Huff huff….”
“Ren! Calm down. Okay?”
“Uh uh… such an expensive thing like that….”
I was so dizzy I couldn’t speak properly.
My head was spinning. The old man clicked his tongue and held my hand, helping me lean back on the soft sofa. The old man’s hand was incredibly large, long, and… lukewarm, much more than I thought. If you held it, it was subtly warm, but when you first grasped it, it had a coolness that felt slightly cold.
“Ren-ah.”
The old man called me and stroked my head.
Ugh. I’m getting motion sick. When I barely opened one eye, the old man went “Tsk! Tsk!” and rummaged through his pocket, then took out a candy and put it in my mouth.
“It’s delicious!”
“Tsk tsk. I told you it’s okay to look around comfortably. Okay?”
“But… if I seemed rude, I’m sorry. I was wrong.”
“Aigu, Inseok-ah! What’s the big deal about this? I’ll give it to you.”
“No!! You can’t! I di-didn’t look wanting it! I was wrong!!”
“Calm down! Calm down, Ren.”
Paaaht.
Huh… what was that just now. It seemed like something came out of the old man’s hand, but I don’t know. Am I mistaken? When I blinked, the afterimage I seemed to have seen disappeared.
When the old man removed his hand from my forehead, it felt like my head had cleared! The headache that had been pricking densely was completely gone! When I opened my eyes wide, the old man smiled.
“This old man too, you see. Thought that necklace would suit our Ren well!”
“But… if I receive something like that, hyung will scold me….”
“Inseok-ah! Just keep it a secret!”
The old man laughed heartily and carefully picked up the necklace and cane he had thrown earlier.
“Here. Shall I put it on for you?”
The old man just made a gesture of holding it out, then wrapped the necklace around the back of my neck.
Whether it was just my imagination or because it was the necklace of the old man who had always cared for me, it felt like breathing became easier. Unable to find words to say, I fiddled with the small jewel on the necklace and watched his reaction.
The old man’s face had deep wrinkles, but only his eyes were bright and clear like those of a robust man. The old people in our village had yellow jaundice in their eyes and burst blood vessels that clearly showed their age, but when you looked at just the old man’s eyes, he seemed like a young man or some kind of hermit.
When I stared intently, the old man smiled. Actually, even when the old man wasn’t smiling, his deep laugh lines made him look like he was smiling. Still, I was the only one he smiled at with his eyes folding! Others might not know, but I do!
“Something this expensive….”
“Tsk. Tsk tsk! Ren. Child. What did I tell you. Hm? When an adult gives you a gift, you just say thank you and bow your head, didn’t I tell you that.”
“…Thank you.”
“That’s right!”
The old man nodded and nodded.
“By the way, what do you mean leaving the village?”
“I get to follow hyung.”
I said timidly. I was happy, but it felt like I shouldn’t express it as is. As if someone would steal my joy. It was always like that. The day hyung came back and I was happy, the day I felt like I could fly. The day I ran around outside the house unable to contain myself, so happy. On days like that, something always happened.
The old man made a pitying face and touched my cheek. Thick and rough hands. The hard calluses on his fingers enveloped my cheek.
“Child. Ren-ah. It’s okay to be happy. Okay? You’re happy to follow your hyung, right?”
“I’m happy….”
“Then you should smile!”
The old man hit my forehead in a way that didn’t hurt.
“Ow! Why did you hit me, old man!”
When I rubbed my forehead vigorously, the old man giggled like a boy. Even though his face is crinkled with wrinkles! At times like this, he’s just like a boy! When I looked at him curiously, the old man messed up my hair carelessly.
“Aish!”
“So you came to say goodbye?”
“!”
“Aigu. You didn’t think of that? Don’t cry, Inseok-ah.”
“O-old man… Huuuuuh….”
Stupid Ren.
If I leave the village, of course it means parting with the old man too. I didn’t think of that at all, only thinking of getting the medicine I need. Can I really be this pathetic?
When I cried profusely with tears and snot flowing, the old man patted my back comfortingly. Then he put warm hot chocolate in my hand, took out a bag as big as two palms, and started going around the house putting something inside it.
Then he laid them out in a row on the wooden desk.
The old man seemed about to explain them one by one, then looked at me deeply.
“Ren-ah.”
“Yes. *Sniffle.* Mmph.”
“Shouldn’t you tell your hyung now too? The road to the capital will be long. It will surely be hard, and you might collapse. How can you hide all of that? Hm?”
“……”
I thought so too.
But… I gripped the cup tightly. There’s no way I can tell hyung. Hyung, on the day you left the farthest to complete your mission, I contracted an incurable disease. The day hyung received a long wound on his back in the Seven-Year War, when he finally returned victorious. That I’d already been sick for a long time. That it’s a disease where I don’t know when I’ll die and don’t know when I’ll have a seizure either. That I’ll probably die before hyung.
There’s no way I could say such things.
When that time comes, I’ll leave without a word. Leaving behind so so so many letters for hyung to read. Letters that could easily be read for several years.
“Old man.”
I steeled my heart and opened my mouth.
