Only after spitting out the words could he ruminate on the meaning of what he had asked. Did he want to help… Come to think of it, had anyone ever said they wanted to help Seongjo?
Even mulling it over, there were no memories that readily came to mind. Seongjo had never been in a position where he needed help from someone.
That’s why the question Seongjo threw out was unfamiliar even to himself. When his mouth was tickling from the embarrassment of the question he’d thrown out, Yujeong answered.
“You could say that.”
He hadn’t expected Yujeong to answer yes, whatever his actual thoughts were. Today he had an especially docile and soft atmosphere, and it seemed he had no intention of hiding his true feelings in this area either. Seongjo knew he would look like a seven or eight-year-old child repeating “why?” at the end of every sentence, but he couldn’t help asking again unconsciously.
“Why?”
At the question that started up again, Yujeong became sick of it. He turned his head to avoid eye contact and said,
“Think whatever you want.”
Instead of pressing further, Seongjo just burst out laughing, “Haha.” Whether he looked pitiful enough to need help, or if he was just that much on his mind—there was a lot to say, but it didn’t seem like he necessarily had to hear it.
Certainly, being with him felt like his mind was clearing up. If Yujeong hadn’t come to pick up Seongjo today, and so he had headed straight to his own house without eating dinner at this place, he would be in an unbearable situation with a complicated head right now. Because thoughts of Yeongbeom would inevitably not leave his mind. In that sense, Seongjo was grateful to Yujeong. He smiled faintly and opened his mouth.
“It feels good. Because it’s none other than Jeon Yujeong-ssi who cares about me that much.”
“What significance is there in it being me and not someone else?”
Yujeong’s expression was calm and his tone was also peaceful, but those words somehow sounded a bit meaningful. As if he was asking why he himself was special. It could just be a matter of Seongjo’s feelings hearing those words, but…
Lost in thought, Seongjo didn’t answer and paused for a moment. He could have explained why he was happy to hear those words from Yujeong. But suddenly a different story surged up to his throat, making it hard to open his mouth right away. Feeling like his mouth was parched, Seongjo, who had been pondering, opened his mouth as is and asked,
“Don’t you have alcohol at home?”
“No.”
Yujeong answered immediately with an extremely wary expression. He looked like he absolutely would not let a single drop of alcohol touch his lips. Seeing him glare with resolute eyes, it seemed he had quite a hard time bringing home drunk Seongjo that day.
It was a story that was a bit embarrassing to bring up without being drunk. Seongjo ruffled his hair lightly as if troubled. Then Yujeong got up from his seat with a short sigh, approached the refrigerator, and brought something back. It was grapefruit juice in a glass bottle. Yujeong, who poured juice into a new cup, sat back down in his place and tilted his head.
“Think of that as alcohol.”
It was an absurd story. Of all things to offer instead of alcohol, grapefruit juice. Wasn’t that excessively cute? Seongjo, who chuckled, tilted the glass half-filled with juice at an angle and looked inside.
He didn’t get drunk easily anyway. The last drinking bet with Yujeong was just a rare case. If it was just to set the mood, it didn’t really matter whether it was real alcohol or juice. Seongjo downed the grapefruit juice in the glass in one shot as if drinking hard liquor or a cocktail. And then he brought it up.
“What do you think is the reason it’s hard when you break up with someone you were seeing?”
“Well… Isn’t it because lingering feelings remain?”
It was an out-of-the-blue question. But while Yujeong made an expression as if to say what are you suddenly talking about, he did obediently give an answer. As expected, he seemed to think Seongjo had plenty of lingering feelings for his ex-lover. Seongjo didn’t want to look that way in Yujeong’s eyes, so bringing up this topic seemed not to have been a bad choice after all.
Before answering, Seongjo quietly shook his head. Yujeong, who was watching him quietly, filled Seongjo’s empty glass like when pouring alcohol. And then he poured juice into his own glass as well. What he was holding in his hand was refreshing grapefruit juice with pulp, but seeing his serious expression as if having a drinking bout with hard liquor naturally brought out laughter.
“It’s not the problem that one lover disappeared. It’s that a person who was with me for that long carved out a part of me and took it away, leaving me feeling empty.”
He answered with a smile and looked down at the surface of the opaque liquid while holding the cup in his hand.
That was the conclusion Seongjo had reached after breaking up with Yeongbeom. He still didn’t love Jo Yeongbeom. He didn’t hope for Yeongbeom to come back either. Even if he regretted it now and came back, he had no intention of accepting him at all. However, thinking of him left a bitter taste in his mouth, and sometimes it felt empty, as if a large hole that could no longer be filled had formed in a corner of his heart.
It was difficult to treat the time spent with Yeongbeom as meaningless. Even in trivial daily life, he would think of things that happened when spending time with him.
Passing by a movie theater reminded him of movies they watched together, eating food reminded him of meals with Yeongbeom, and having a drink in front of him brought to mind drinking gatherings from their college days together.
The moment he broke up with him, he felt like he had to throw away the past Lee Seongjo along with Jo Yeongbeom.
Yujeong continued to stare at Seongjo’s face lost in thought. Perhaps as courtesy to Seongjo who was fully setting the mood of a drinking session alone, he could be seen emptying his own glass as well.
“It’s difficult. I’ve never experienced that kind of feeling.”
At Yujeong’s words, Seongjo asked with interest,
“Have you never liked anyone?”
“I’ve never broken up with someone I loved long enough to occupy a part of me.”
It was a clear yet somehow puzzling answer. It seemed he hadn’t never liked anyone, but did it mean he’d never loved someone enough to feel unbearably empty after breaking up?
Until meeting Yeongbeom, Seongjo’s relationships had never lasted long. Naturally, he had never felt this kind of aftereffect after breaking up. It was already such a distant matter that it probably felt even less significant… and maybe it was because he’d never broken up so disgustingly as this time.
…Or did it mean there was such a person, but he had never gone through the process of dating and breaking up?
Either way, he became curious about what kind of person Jeon Yujeong had liked until now. Seongjo suppressed his curiosity and changed the subject with a smile.
“Anyway, that’s how it is. I’m grateful that you said you’d help, but… well, clinging annoyingly isn’t a problem. It’s not like there will be occasions like today often.”
Yujeong was making an increasingly puzzling expression. Was it because he couldn’t tell at all whether what Seongjo was saying now was refusing the help he proposed, simple venting, or an answer to “why it’s meaningful that it’s specifically Jeon Yujeong who cares”? Seongjo continued, slightly turning his gaze away from him.
“It’s just exactly…”
“…Exactly?”
“It’s just empty by the amount that disappeared from me.”
Looking at Yujeong’s strange expression, Seongjo pondered for a brief moment. Originally, he had planned to stop the story here. So you don’t need to think you want to help me, it will get better on its own as time passes… such words seemed appropriate. But Seongjo continued speaking as is.
“In that sense, Jeon Yujeong-ssi is helpful even without specifically doing anything.”
“What do you mean?”
“When I’m with Yujeong-ssi, I feel like distracting thoughts disappear a bit.”
It was words started impulsively, but he had no intention of taking them back. Seeing Yujeong’s face looking somewhat flustered, he didn’t feel like he’d made a mistake either.
“Didn’t I say so earlier? That I don’t have other thoughts.”
“You say such embarrassing things so easily…”
Yujeong retorted with a slightly furrowed brow. Now he could immediately tell that expression wasn’t anger but embarrassment. He continued,
“Anyway, does it mean it helps you sort out your feelings?”
“Well, if you put it that way… Why, do you still want to help? Then just being sold as a name saying there’s a new guy I’m seeing probably won’t be enough.”
“Should I help you forget distracting thoughts?”
“That’s right. Like coming out when I call because I’m having distracting thoughts and feeling empty.”
When he said it playfully, Yujeong responded in a calm tone.
“Aren’t we meeting steadily even now?”
He had told Seongjo that he said embarrassing things so easily, but to Seongjo’s ears, those words were no less embarrassing. After unconsciously letting out a small hollow laugh, he answered calmly.
“Not just eating home-cooked meals at home every day, but give me a change of pace.”
Hearing those words, Yujeong looked at Seongjo quietly and murmured, “A change of pace.”
“In other words, a date.”
It was a voice that sounded calm. It was rather Seongjo who flinched.
