The other person probably just thought of it as a one-night stand committed in the heat of the moment at a wild party. That note probably just said something like “had fun last night” rather than leaving contact information. Even if they had left contact information, it would just be like “contact me if you’re interested.” If the other person was experienced with one-night stands, they’d be even more likely to do that. That’s what one-night stands are like anyway.
2
By the time I finished my scheduled trip and returned to Korea, I’d become somewhat indifferent to my first one-night stand and first heat. Just thinking, well, these things happen in life.
Seoul had entered the middle of summer, and the entire city was boiling like a steamer.
I’d been returning home only during summer vacation for several years now, but even after returning after a long time, there was no one in Korea who welcomed me. The person who came to meet me at the airport was Secretary Choi, my father’s long-time personal secretary, and the person waiting for me at home was Butler Jang, who had been in charge of household affairs since I was young. I’d long lost contact with childhood friends.
My father was originally taciturn by nature, but when I didn’t fully manifest even after puberty passed, he became displeased even with looking at my face. It seemed that every time he looked at my face, his chest felt stuffy and rage welled up. Nevertheless, the reason he made me come to Korea once a year no matter what was to have the family doctor give me thorough examinations to check if I had fully manifested yet.
The full manifestation my father had been waiting for so much had come, but I wasn’t in a very good mood. That was also why I’d panicked so much after my first heat. I’d already lived more than 22 years like a Beta and thought of being a Beta as my identity. Fully manifesting as an Omega now would only increase my identity confusion.
Of course, living as a Beta didn’t mean I could expect an ordinary life of marrying a Beta woman, having children, and building a family. Because I was actually an Omega, I couldn’t have children with a Beta, and incomplete manifestation meant no heat, so I couldn’t have babies with an Alpha either. That’s what it meant. Incomplete manifestation. And some people, including my father, considered it a flaw.
So what about being infertile?
That’s what I thought when I first heard it. I didn’t particularly want to have children, nor was I sick or uncomfortable anywhere. I could just live happily alone, so what was the problem? There were many couples in the world who lived well without children. If I wanted to be with someone, I could just find someone who didn’t mind not having children.
To be more honest, I considered it fortunate that I had a body that couldn’t have children. Because I had no desire to marry and build a family in the first place. I was negative about the institution of marriage, and first of all, I disliked the species called Alphas. While I associated freely with Betas and Omegas, I didn’t keep Alphas close even as friends.
My dislike of Alphas and marriage was, if you had to trace it, because of my father. My father, the only person who cared about my incomplete manifestation. I had no memory of my mother since she passed away before I turned three.
In the few photos remaining in the house, my mother was a beauty but had a cold expression. Putting together what I heard as gossip from relatives, my mother, who married my father in an arranged marriage as a daughter of a wealthy family, looked down on my father who was self-made from humble beginnings, and my father always got angry because of his inferiority complex, so their relationship wasn’t very good.
Anyway, my father, who was the only significant figure to young me, got angry at my incomplete manifestation diagnosis. He wasn’t sad or sympathetic. He didn’t comfort me saying it was no big deal, that it was okay. He just got angry that a child with a “flaw” had become a stain on the family.
I couldn’t understand why my inability to have children was a flaw and a stain on the family, and furthermore, I couldn’t understand why the world called it “incomplete” manifestation. But whether I understood or not, that was the logic of my father and the world.
When I entered high school not long after, the reason my father sent me to study abroad in a place where there weren’t many Koreans was also because of that. Because he didn’t want to let others know his child was an incompletely manifested Omega. Of course, my father did stubbornly hold onto the hope that I might fully manifest someday.
Whatever the circumstances, thanks to that I could live pretending to be a Beta at Leroy, and I was actually satisfied with that life. Now that I’d fully manifested, my father would be happy, but I was completely satisfied with my current life—living abroad as a Beta away from my father—so I didn’t want to inform my father of this fact now.
Having graduated from Leroy’s economics department, I was scheduled to enter graduate school in the fall semester. But if my father found out I’d fully manifested, his next action was obvious. Graduate school would be stopped and I’d be told to wrap up my life in England immediately and come to Korea. He’d probably put me in his company for a while to learn the work, then start looking for an arranged marriage partner in earnest.
Even my Alpha hyung had to marry someone my father chose less than three years after graduating from university. I detested being collared like that. I didn’t particularly like studying, but I detested marriage even more. Since female Alphas were rare and practically nonexistent, the partner would naturally be a man. Marriage to an Alpha, to a man?
But even I would be granted a grace period of at least one or two years. I thought maybe I could find a way to escape somehow during that time. Since he was someone who led even his children’s marriages in a direction beneficial to the company, in reality the company probably ranked higher than his children to my father. If by any chance I achieved meaningful results in company work, my father might change his mind. If I became someone who brought great profit to the company, I might be able to make a deal to choose work instead of marriage.
***
When I received a thorough examination and it was revealed that I’d fully manifested, my father was pleased as expected. He didn’t express his joy outwardly in an exaggerated way, but it was true that his gaze and tone toward me softened noticeably. Even I, who hadn’t wanted to reveal my full manifestation, felt my heart soften at my father’s reaction. I couldn’t help it. Even at twenty-three, wanting to meet parental expectations and receive affection might be a child’s instinct.
But that softened heart completely fled after what my father brought up at dinner together a few days later.
“You don’t really need to worry about anything, just do as Secretary Choi tells you. What was it, aesthetics? They said they made a reservation at a place like that, so go get your hair cut neatly and get your skin treated. Get a few new suits tailored in something modest too.”
My father was telling me to go on a matchmaking date. And just two days from now at that.
“You don’t need to go to graduate school. I’ll take care of that, so you don’t need to worry.”
“Father. Still, that’s too sudden…”
“Sudden? What’s sudden about it? These things are all about timing. A suitable partner appeared right on time as if they’d been waiting for you to recover, so this is your good fortune too. You graduated from university, so there’s no need to waste time going back and forth to foreign countries. How great is that?”
Recover. I’d never been sick. I barely held down the facial muscles that wanted to crumple on their own.
“But I thought when I came to Korea, I’d work at Father’s company for a few years.”
“Work? What work? The company will be inherited by your hyung anyway, and the company has plenty of talented people besides you.”
“Father told me to study what the company needs, so my current major…”
I had something else I wanted to do. It wasn’t a grand dream, but my father’s coercion played a big part in giving that up and choosing economics.
“University is just for getting credentials to show off. Like there’s anything proper to learn there. Even if you hire graduates from fancy-named universities to do company work, not one does it properly. They only become somewhat useful after rolling around in the field learning with their bodies for a few years.”
“That’s why I want to work at the company and learn directly…”
“If you want to work, you can. A good position opened up, so get married first and then do it.”
Speaking indirectly didn’t work. I knew well from clashing many times, but maybe I lacked learning.
“Father. I don’t want to get married yet.”
Actually, the honest feeling was “at all” not “yet,” but I used a somewhat compromising word. But whether it was “yet” or “at all,” at my saying I had no thoughts of marriage, my father’s eyes changed first.
“Still acting spoiled? Stop your well-fed whining. Meet them first and then talk. They’re too good a catch to let go. Honestly, because you’re my child I said they’re a suitable match, but others would say they’re way above your station. What if it became known that you couldn’t properly manifest at your age? Do you think positions like this come easily?”
“Whether others gossip or not, as long as I don’t care, what does it matter?”
In the end, I raised my voice too. I wanted to say if it’s such a great position, why doesn’t Father go himself.
Moreover, “meet them first and then talk.” As if it mattered whether I liked them or not anyway. They’d tell me to endure it even if we weren’t compatible. And hearing my father’s story, I could immediately picture my matchmaking partner’s face.
Before dinner, Secretary Choi came and left a document. I could guess it was a document related to me from the glance he gave me. Thinking it was either medical records or work-related matters I’d be handling, I was displeased that my issues were being taken to my father first rather than through me as an adult, so I sneaked a peek.
What came out of the file was a photo and personal records of a man who appeared to be in his late thirties. Though he was neatly dressed and trying to look dignified, no matter how generously I looked, it was hard to call him likable. Thinking it had nothing to do with me, I immediately lost interest and returned the documents to their place. But to think that was my matchmaking partner.
“That kind of talk itself is proof you’re still immature! What do you mean others’ eyes don’t matter, do you live alone in the world? And who are you raising your voice at right now? A guy who can’t even take care of himself at twenty-three!”
As my father’s words overlapped with the face in the photo I couldn’t feel any fondness for, rage rose even more.
“That’s why I’m saying once I can take care of myself, I’ll get married!”
“I’ve waited this long, isn’t that enough? How much longer? After supporting you this much, now do something to help the company!”
“That’s why I said I’d work!”
“What help will you be to the company by working! You’ll just cost more money in salary and training! Shut your mouth and quietly get married as you’re told!”
What followed wasn’t worth recounting word by word. Childishly immature shouting went back and forth, and a quarrel that thoroughly scratched each other’s feelings continued. In the end, I managed to spit out that if it was so great, Father should go himself.
