“Since you said this type of medication works well for you, you can continue with this prescription. Insomnia is heavily influenced by psychological factors. You don’t need to talk about the specific events you experienced before, but how about comfortably sharing just the feelings you’re experiencing now?”
In truth, he wasn’t the least bit curious about the man’s feelings. He just wanted to send the man out as quickly as possible and rush his car to Yeodanhwa right away.
But feeling the urge to shove aside everyone walking back and forth in front of cars and actually acting on it were problems of different dimensions.
According to Kant, life is about balancing work and love. To pay the price for enjoying his current comfortable and satisfying lifestyle, he naturally had to work to earn money and maintain the reputation he currently held. Hyunjin was the so-called ‘star doctor’ of this hospital famous for neuropsychiatry, and if possible, he wanted to add the title of director as well.
That’s why he had to be faithful to the current situation. Even if the shittiest patient was sitting in front of him.
Answer. Answer. You’ll feel better if you talk. You want to talk, don’t you. Muttering to himself as if casting a suggestion, Hyunjin smiled warmly, but not excessively.
The man fell silent for a moment, then finally parted those heavy lips.
“As for my feelings…”
“I’m in a good mood right now, and I’m feeling good these days too. Feel free to say anything.”
After hesitating briefly, the man slowly raised his eyelids. His piercing gaze spilled diagonally across the desk. Though it likely wasn’t particularly intentional, his gaze itself was fierce like a beast’s.
“Generally… I feel lethargic.”
His gloomy voice would be gray if it had a color. The voice mixed with sighs was the same.
“I’m doing my work flawlessly. I exercise too… There’s no hindrance to my daily life.”
He looked the type. Rather, the type who would do it more compulsively. Hyunjin silently nodded and continued gazing at the man.
“So you’re just lethargic in mood. Just in feeling.”
“…Yes. And…”
The man tried to bring up something, then swallowed his words along with a light sigh. The worry sitting in the man’s heart like a giant boulder, or the trauma he couldn’t escape—whichever it was seemed to have a long way to go before surfacing. However, the defensive attitude he’d shown last time had softened considerably. The medication must have worked quite well.
“…Anyway, I took the medication you prescribed last time well. I’d like the same thing this time, please.”
With those words, the man stood up. Hyunjin nodded and showed a light smile. Just getting him to open up was a satisfactory harvest in itself.
The man bowed his head and left. This time, when he subtly suggested a next appointment, he obediently nodded, saying he understood.
It felt like the heavy pheromones invisible to the eye would remain like stains on the floor wherever the man had passed. Though he couldn’t smell it with his nose, it was still disgusting to have an alpha’s scent permeating his examination room. Hyunjin opened the window wide to ventilate, then picked up the perfume on his desk and sprayed it, spritz spritz.
On his way home in a hurry, the hand gripping the steering wheel felt light. He turned on the same Buddhist chant he always listened to, but the chant recited in a monotonous tone suddenly felt tedious, so he stopped it. He fiddled with the frequency to find an ordinary radio channel. For a while, he bobbed his head to an out-of-season pop song.
The red light disappeared and with a flash, the green light came on. He was about to lift his foot from the brake he’d been pressing, but the car in front didn’t move. Several seconds had passed since the signal changed, but the car at the very front remained motionless.
Beep! The car right in front of Hyunjin’s honked. Only then did the car at the very front start moving in a fluster. Hyunjin cursed “fucking bastard” inwardly. Thinking he’d almost had the refreshing mood he’d been feeling until just now ruined by idiots made him wish a machine gun would pop out of his car. If he could fire it off freely, this shitty feeling might improve. Obviously, both the asshole in the front car who must have been fiddling with his phone while driving and missed the signal, and the asshole in the car in front of him who couldn’t wait and loudly honked—they were all fucking morons.
However, his temporarily soured mood all flew away the moment he entered the club entrance. Even he wondered why he felt this good. Was it because the number of patients who’d made appointments under his name had suddenly exploded since last week? Or was it because the seminar preparation he’d been working on for a while had finally ended successfully this week? Or if not that, was it simply because it was the weekend?
The manager greeted him with a fake smile.
“You’re here? Today we’ve prepared the boy you reserved so you can use him right away.”
Stating the obvious and acting like it’s a favor… However, Hyunjin smiled without showing it and followed behind her.
The moment the door opened, Hyunjin could dimly understand his own heart. The reason his mood had gradually improved while finishing his last consultation and driving over. It wasn’t because of the successfully completed seminar preparation, nor because of the increased number of patients.
It was because of the frail man sitting inside this room.
“Then, have a pleasant time.”
The server who had followed the manager placed a bottle of liquor and a plate of neatly cut fruit on the table and bowed. Once the manager left and closed the door, only the two of them remained in the room.
Hyunjin slowly loosened his tie. Unlike the first floor where people mainly drank and played casually, the rooms on the second floor were solely for relations, decorated like hotel rooms. Since it was a large club that even people from political and financial circles visited through word of mouth, it was closer to a luxurious and cozy atmosphere rather than gloomy or cheap motel-like. Though what went on inside those rooms couldn’t be any cheaper.
“Lee Jeong-ssi, have you been well?”
The man obediently looked up at him and nodded. Perhaps nervous, his Adam’s apple swallowing saliva shone particularly white. This small man who must have been sitting on the bed waiting for him had jumped up like an obedient dog since he entered and was focusing all his attention only on him.
He really, really really liked this. The more seasoned prostitutes knew their customers were shit (for instance, smoking while lying together or openly demanding tips), but the man before his eyes was different. His body, mouth, and hand movements accepting the penis were clearly not those of a beginner. He was as worn and jaded as those who’d been rolling around in this business for at least several years.
However, the gaze that couldn’t properly meet his eyes and looked down like a frightened puppy, or the way he obediently nodded when spoken to. The way his slender waist that seemed like it would crumble if gripped tightly moved diligently according to instructions, or the way he earnestly tried even when unreasonable demands were made…
All those things looked terribly cute and chaste to Hyunjin. Looking at the man, he was suddenly reminded of the potted plant he’d first brought home from elementary school. Was it lily of the valley, or what? It was a flower whose name he couldn’t quite remember, but he still remembered the pure white flower buds. Not wanting to kill it, he’d given it water morning and evening, let it get fresh air, and tended to it carefully. Perhaps the care was excessive, as it eventually died.
In the large mansion, young Hyunjin had been alone. He’d lived with his father, who was a university hospital director at the time though now a politician, and a few hired help in that bleak and lonely mansion. From the earliest parts of Hyunjin’s memory, the existence called mother was already gone. There were only cheap omegas who changed every few weeks or months at most, taking turns settling into his father’s bedroom.
The loneliness thoroughly learned from childhood sprouted within Hyunjin. That sprout, initially small and tender, grew like a monster. Finally, the moment the loneliness that had grown massively in size opened its mouth and swallowed Hyunjin, before his trembling vision lay Hans, lying dead. Hans was the name of the giant Doberman his father had been particularly fond of.
No matter how much of a dog it was, there was no possibility of winning in a direct fight, so he chose poison. Watching the dog die foaming at the mouth on the sunlit lawn, Hyunjin’s hands trembled with the surging exhilaration. The smile spreading across his lips exploded uncontrollably.
His first bold act brought great achievement. After that, Hyunjin often repeated similar actions whenever the monster inside would explode and rampage. Since his father loved dogs very much, there were plenty of dogs to kill in the mansion’s spacious garden. By the time dog barks no longer came from within the mansion, Hyunjin had entered a top-tier medical school with the best possible grades.
That’s how it was back then. Hyunjin smiled faintly as if tracing back fond memories.
Tracing back the trail of slaughter that stained his school days here and there, he would always stop at the point where that white lily of the valley came to mind. The only thing he hadn’t wanted to kill. Yet it had died futilely.
For some reason, looking at this man reminded him of that flower. Hyunjin smiled self-deprecatingly at the thought. Remembering a flower he’d once raised just from looking at a mere prostitute.
“Have you eaten?”
He asked affectionately and smiled. He knew well how he looked to others when he smiled gently while wearing glasses. Strangely, he wanted to look good to this mere establishment prostitute. He didn’t know why, but that’s how he felt today.
Lee Jeong bobbed his head. Hyunjin sat on the bed and gestured with his chin at his own lap.
“Undress me. I want to rest comfortably.”
Once again Lee Jeong nodded. He approached hesitantly and while standing, placed his hands on the collar of Hyunjin’s shirt. His white, slender fingers were trembling slightly. He unfastened the buttons one by one and spread the shirt to both sides. Hyunjin obediently pulled his arms out.
Thanks to the exercise he diligently did despite finding it bothersome, his upper body that wasn’t embarrassing to show anywhere was revealed. Lee Jeong, having removed all the upper clothing, placed his hands on the belt buckle. With a click, the belt opened, and Hyunjin lifted his hips slightly to help remove his pants.
Looking down at Lee Jeong who had stripped him naked in one go and was even removing his socks while kneeling, Hyunjin said kindly:
“Will you lick your way up from there? All the way here.”
Wiggling his toes, his hand pointed to his lips. Lee Jeong nodded as if accustomed to this. He could see Lee Jeong’s back as he lay flat. The white shirt that only Lee Jeong was wearing suddenly displeased him. Just as Lee Jeong was about to bring his mouth to his toes, Hyunjin pulled his foot back.
“You’re going to leave me the only one naked? I’m embarrassed.”
Lee Jeong, who quickly understood, stood up again. With his small fingers, he unbuttoned the large white shirt he was wearing and removed it, placing it aside. His lower body wearing only drawers was revealed. When he pulled down even his underwear, his skinny legs were clearly exposed. Hyunjin swept over the man with blatant eyes and smiled with satisfaction.
