# Chapter 92
“Just a little longer, please. I absolutely…”
“Go ahead.”
“…”
I spoke to him with an expressionless face, hoping he would distance himself from me. That was all I could say to Woosang, who had already let go of my arm.
Unable to face his faintly furrowed expression, I turned my head away.
Sometime later, with the sound of the door closing, even the cool air lingering faintly in the room made me feel heated.
I clearly thought we would leave this place together, but I was left alone again in this narrow space.
“Ah…”
An unbearable sense of loss began to overwhelm me.
My chest felt so heavy it might fall to the floor. Intense pain circled through my body, but I casually rubbed my chest with my palm as if nothing was wrong.
Not long after, gentle music came through the walls of the waiting room. It was the signal for the start of the performance.
With that sound, I grabbed the doorknob, turned it, and headed outside.
Somehow, the corridor and lobby were completely empty, with no signs of life. This vast space looked lonely. Through the reflecting windows, countless crowds were smiling happily and heading somewhere.
But in this space, only I existed.
‘I should definitely go to the forest alone after all.’
I whispered to myself as if making a promise.
The uninhabited forest in Quebec, Canada. I needed to go there. If I stayed there alone, I wouldn’t feel lonely in such an isolated space. Because eventually, loneliness would disappear from my side.
I wouldn’t have to resent Woosang who had pushed away my hand and vanished, or feel betrayed.
With slow steps, I went outside and walked toward the central station. While the indoor spaces felt so mild and occasionally pleasantly cool, the outdoors felt suffocatingly hot.
People who seemed excited. Endless music sounds. Numerous languages pouring out mixed together.
Everything that existed in the streets was overwhelming to me. Nevertheless, I couldn’t stop my legs from moving forward.
Arriving in front of Cologne Central Station, I tried to squeeze my way in, but a massive crowd was blocking the entrance as if there was some issue inside the station.
I raised my gaze slightly to look at the display board showing the train times. It displayed apology messages in several languages saying that multiple trains were delayed.
To leave for Canada, I would need to go to a nearby major station and look for flights.
So it didn’t matter which direction I headed. I just needed to choose one of the non-delayed trains and get on it.
I forcibly squeezed through the people. The people who had been standing in my way shouted with irritated voices as they were involuntarily bumped and pushed from their spots.
‘Why should I care.’
At this moment, I didn’t care if anyone cursed me or tried to stop me. There was only one person in the world who could bind me.
Just then, as if annoyed by my movements, someone pushed me hard, and I unintentionally hit the wall.
“Hah…”
Irritated, I looked up, but I couldn’t tell who had reached out to me.
I placed my hand on the wall to lift my body that was pressed against it. Then suddenly, I felt the texture of the wall I was touching was slightly different from the walls in sight.
Curious, I fumbled along the wall to find the angular part. I turned my gaze. There, unlike other places, hung a large poster.
It was a familiar photo. I knew this photo better than anyone. It was a performance poster with Woosang depicted on it.
I stood frozen in place, facing the wall in an awkward posture for a long time.
Woosang in the poster, with an expression that looked somewhat tired and lonely. The poster was worn and tattered, as if announcing the end of the performance.
Come to think of it, today marked the end of everything. His performance, and all the things I had planned.
After this performance, he would return to our home located in the 7th arrondissement of Paris, France. And there, he would create new performance schedules.
Originally, I would watch all of those things by his side, and it was clear that I would love that time.
I knew it.
“…I know it better than anyone.”
If I ran away to the forest like this, Woosang might look for me for a while, but as time passed, he too would give up and forget me.
‘And someone else will be by Woosang’s side.’
Woosang, smiling happily and finding meaning in life beside someone I don’t know. His voice, whispering that he loves heavily, while pretending to be light. And someone else who would have all of that.
For a long time, I tried to imagine Woosang standing beside someone other than me, but somehow I couldn’t picture it at all.
At some point, my vision blurred and I couldn’t see properly. Something hot dripped down my cheek.
The stinging eyelids and the moistening under my eyes. I knew better than anyone where all the emotions I was feeling now were heading.
When I came to my senses, my legs were already walking back the way I had come.
‘I have to go back. To the forest. Not this way, I need to go to the station…’
In my head, only the thought that I needed to return to the forest kept repeating endlessly, but I couldn’t stop my quickening steps.
Before I knew it, I was opening the door and entering the now empty performance hall lobby.
It was ridiculous.
I passed through the empty lobby and approached the entrance to the performance hall. At that moment, an employee guarding the entrance suddenly emerged and blocked me.
[You cannot go inside.]
At those words, I quietly turned my head and looked at the employee.
For a moment, I heard the sound of someone inhaling sharply as if surprised. After a brief silence, the employee repeatedly opened his mouth to say something but closed it again.
I asked the employee as calmly as possible.
[Could you please let me in for just a moment? I missed the time when I should have gone in.]
[It’s difficult according to the rules…]
The employee stamped his feet nervously and meaninglessly fiddled with the pen in his hand. If he couldn’t let me in, there was nothing I could do, but if possible, I wanted to go in and see his final performance.
Yet part of me also thought it might be better not to go in.
Because if I went in here and saw Woosang standing on the stage, it felt like I would never be able to return to the forest.
‘If I go inside, the option to run away is gone now.’
At that thought, my body suddenly stiffened. But now the feeling that none of that mattered was stronger.
What wouldn’t one do to get what they want? Everyone would live like that. Continuing to live dirty and obscenely, completely forgetting the sins committed, as if nothing happened.
They would surely live that way.
[It’s not usually allowed, but since I’ve seen you before, I’ll let you in without checking. You are a friend of the performer, right?]
[Yes.]
[The performance started quite a while ago, so please enter quietly.]
The troubled-looking employee sighed deeply and slightly opened the door. I bowed my head to express gratitude and went inside.
The interior of the performance hall must have been running stronger air conditioning than the lobby, as the temperature dropped like midnight, making my whole body shiver.
My soaked, damp cheeks stiffened as if they would freeze in the air. I rubbed my cheeks with my hands and looked around.
The performance hall, filled to capacity without a single empty seat, was surrounded by a stifling tension.
Some audience members glanced at me, the uninvited guest, but soon turned their heads back to look only at the stage.
I stopped in my tracks and stood alone among the audience seats, looking up at the stage. Just then, the rapidly sounding music faded, and a gentle rhythm began to fill the space instead.
Among the dancers on stage who slowed down, Woosang appeared.
I noticed his expression that looked more tired than usual and his completely relaxed eyes. I knew that expression.
It was the expression I had when I first realized my feelings for Woosang and was overwhelmed by completely chaotic emotions.
‘Did I look that desperate back then too?’
His expression, which looked like he might scream for help while covered in blood, made me suffer as well.
He seemed to be trying to avoid my gaze and focus on the performance, but his feet got tangled and he slightly bumped into a dancer next to him. Woosang’s tangled footsteps made heavy thudding sounds several times.
Unable to face his mistake, I turned my head slightly to the side.
Then, realizing that I was the one who had caused his mistake, I looked back at the stage.
If Woosang had made me who I am standing here, then I was the one who had made Woosang who was wavering on this stage right now.
‘I made Woosang…’
I had made him. Ridiculously, that was true.
Not long after, the performance reached its climax and soon all the dancers softened their movements as if fading. The atmosphere inside also seemed to soften accordingly.
But contrary to these sensations, Woosang still had a hardened expression. Knowing why he wore such an expression, I didn’t forcibly try to loosen my own hardened face.
At some point, we were only looking at each other.
The slowly continuing performance completely ended, and the audience stood up and applauded. Knowing that it was the final performance, the audience let out cheers that wouldn’t die down for a while.
During that time, Woosang was the only one who looked incomplete. He who had always been perfect now existed in the most imperfect form.
‘Indeed, I cannot leave.’
Until just a moment ago, I had been trembling saying I had to leave, but now these words came to mind first.
I couldn’t leave. I didn’t want to leave. After all, I was the only one who could stay by his side.
Before the cheers and applause stopped, I left my place and ran to the front of the waiting room.
I had to meet him. I wanted to meet him.
It felt like ages since I had moved and acted so quickly. My heart was pounding as if it might burst, but it wasn’t a bad sensation.
I had always stood still and hesitated, but now an undisguisable emotion welled up toward Woosang.
‘Why do I always forget so easily that I’m someone who can move Woosang?’
I hated myself for being so infinitely stupid. But if Woosang knew this thought, I felt he would lightly smile at me and comfort me, telling me not to hate myself.
I cannot know everything about Woosang. But that doesn’t mean I am completely ignorant about him either.
He had shown me numerous emotions until now, and they were all living and breathing within me.
If there were any incorrect parts among what I knew about Woosang, I wanted to ask him to tell me the parts I didn’t know.
The interior of the building was not that large, so I could quickly arrive at the front of the waiting room.
My breath escaped roughly.
