Dieu 61

# Chapter 61

“Woosang just woke up and fell back asleep. He was looking for you…”

“Really?”

It seems Woosang had woken up while I was out briefly buying some necessities.

He must have been tired, as he’d been deeply asleep all day. My thoughts were in disarray, and whenever I stepped out briefly, he would wake up and fall back asleep repeatedly, so we hadn’t properly faced each other yesterday or today.

Bel had remained at the hospital, apparently without any other schedule.

“Tomorrow’s my audition day, and it’s ruined now.”

“…You had an audition?”

“I didn’t tell you? I actually came to Berlin for an audition.”

“…”

After telling me that dancing and such didn’t matter to him anymore, it turns out he came to Berlin for an audition after all.

I didn’t know what expression to make. I know better than anyone that he always speaks harshly but can’t follow through, but at that time, I couldn’t fully accept Woosang’s words.

What does dancing mean to Woosang now? Sometimes when we talked about it, it seemed like it wasn’t entirely meaningless to him.

But since he never spoke clearly about it, it remained a difficult topic for me.

As I put down my things and was about to go out, Bel asked with a frown:

“Where are you going?”

“Just stepping out for some fresh air. Are you feeling cooped up too? I can stay if you want.”

She considered it but then casually replied that it was fine and told me to come back soon.

So I left the hospital, leaving the two of them behind. After standing absentmindedly in the breeze for a while, I started walking around the area when I spotted a familiar machine.

A cigarette vending machine.

I stared at it for a long time, then approached it and felt my pocket for coins. There were a few 2-euro coins rolling around in there.

I took out the coins and inserted them into the coin slot. I wondered if the machine might spit the money back out, as these outdoor machines often malfunction, but it worked properly.

After putting in the money, I couldn’t understand why I was trying to buy cigarettes that I had quit. But for some reason, I didn’t want to press the coin return button either. After deliberating, I finally chose a brand I used to smoke.

Clunk.

Looking at the cigarettes that had dropped out, I recalled the acrid smoke I used to feel. Since I quit smoking after meeting Woosang, it had been almost a year already.

“Oh… I don’t have a lighter.”

I mindlessly patted my pockets, but there was no way I’d have a lighter in there.

I tapped the glossy, plastic-wrapped cigarette pack with my fingers a few times before putting it in my pocket.

Cigarettes. The past without Woosang.

A brief reminiscence made clear where I needed to go now. I had to head there.

A place I’d visited when I came to Berlin on business trips before. That place would likely be unchanged, then and now.

I hesitated, thinking Bel would be waiting, but there was something I needed to confirm.

I hadn’t expected to go there so soon, but since I was in Berlin, it was a good opportunity.

I checked my pocket for my phone, but I had nothing except the cigarette pack and my wallet.

‘What should I do…?’

Staring at my empty hands, I impulsively approached a passerby and spoke to them.

[Excuse me. Could I talk to you for a moment?]

[Yes, of course.]

Perhaps surprised by my sudden English, the man looked me up and down a few times before answering nonchalantly.

[Do you know how to get to Kreuzberg? I need to go there.]

He thought for a moment, then seemed to remember and pointed in an unfamiliar direction.

[It’s close by. Take the U8 subway line over there and it’s about 15 minutes away. You’re looking for Kottbusser Tor station, right?]

Kottbusser Tor station in Kreuzberg district. That sounded like the name. I nodded, and he kindly explained which direction I should take the subway in.

[Thank you.]

I greeted him lightly and headed toward the subway.

Even after meeting Woosang, I still found it difficult to deal with other people. It was the same with Oliver and Natalie. I couldn’t properly gauge other people’s emotions and made mistakes.

But today, for some reason, it didn’t feel so difficult.

I was puzzled by this myself, but even with Woosang in the hospital, I was harboring emotions that were more composed than before.

‘Maybe I don’t have the luxury to feel emotions…’

That might be it. It felt like all these complicated matters had hidden my emotions somewhere.

I went down into the station, bought a ticket, and waited for the train going in the direction the man had indicated.

Unfamiliar German announcements flowed through the speakers, and soon the train slowly pulled into the station.

I boarded casually and sat down, but somehow there seemed to be a stench lingering in my nose. Yet that stench felt strangely familiar.

‘It might be coming from me.’

That was highly likely.

Sitting there, I stared at the screen displaying the upcoming stations for a long time. The surrounding noise didn’t even reach my ears.

Fortunately, as I had been directed, it didn’t take long to reach Kottbusser Tor station.

Arriving at the station, I vaguely recalled my previous visit. I used to come here about once a year for work, but this time, since it wasn’t for my original purpose, it felt unfamiliar, like my first visit.

Perhaps it was because I had changed so much.

‘Maybe it’s because I’ve changed too much.’

Of course, in Berlin, I usually just visited Kreuzberg where I’m standing now and then left.

For my past self, tourist spots with beautiful rivers or quiet fields were nonexistent spaces.

Woosang said he had lived in Berlin for about two years. Perhaps we had passed by each other in the past.

Thinking of him, an absurd thought came to mind. It wasn’t like thoughts were flooding in, but suddenly useless thoughts were floating around.

Looking around after coming up from underground, men at the entrance were approaching passersby, asking if they wanted to buy drugs.

And it wasn’t even dark yet.

‘This place hasn’t changed.’

I glanced at them briefly before looking away, intending to move on, but one of the men must have noticed my gaze as he approached and spoke to me.

[Hello?]

“…”

[If you need some stuff, I can sell it cheap.]

Without answering, I stared blankly at the man who had approached me. The casually used English in Berlin. The familiar behavior.

Until recently, I too had been washing away my identity, hiding in cities, killing and destroying people without a second thought, but it had been a while since I’d met someone similar to myself. I had rarely met anyone around my age.

He didn’t bother with any polite formalities with me, nor did he need to. As if this was just ordinary life.

After staring at me for a while with no response, he probably thought I didn’t understand English and seemed about to stammer some German, but I ignored him and left.

Walking down the street, there were many people rummaging through trash cans or tilting empty beer bottles to wet their throats with non-existent beer.

Seeing people who were unfazed by this place, I could only think strange thoughts.

Not far ahead, I saw a dirty-looking bridge. I headed down the stairs that led beneath it.

There was a face I hadn’t seen in a long time.

“Hello.”

“…Hello, it’s been a while.”

The man speaking French looked at my face with an expression like he’d seen a ghost.

The scruffy-looking man was someone who would help with various things and pass on information for money. Actually, this was the first time we had exchanged greetings like this.

It was always Hund’s role to speak with him.

“You’re alive?”

“Yes.”

The man’s question sounded somewhat hostile. It made sense. It had been a very long time since I’d been here, and I hadn’t sought him out since Hund died.

“Come to think of it, I heard the guy you used to deal with died?”

“Ah, yes.”

I was just thinking about Hund when somehow he asked about him. It had been nearly three years since he died. Time had flowed quickly.

“So are you still with the people you worked with back then?”

“…No. We’ve parted ways now.”

“Really?”

Judging by his tone, he seemed to know already. I had come to ask him about my former colleagues’ whereabouts, so this was actually fortunate.

“How much do you know?”

“Depends on the money.”

“I’ll give you as much as needed.”

I deliberately spoke more calmly. It was best not to show emotion, or there was no telling what lies I might get.

The man seemed to think for a moment, then took out a cigarette from his pocket and put it in his mouth. Then he offered me one, asking if I wanted to smoke.

I shook my head in refusal.

“Actually, your former colleagues already came to me saying they would kill you. That’s why I thought you were already dead…”

“…”

Since I had expected this, it wasn’t particularly surprising.

Unexpectedly, I had endured well and moved to Paris, which must have bothered them. It was obvious.

We were always wishing for each other’s misfortune in that way.

“Could you give me some information about them? It would be good if you could keep my visit a secret too.”

“Sure. I can do that.”

He took a piece of paper from his pocket and handed it to me. I stuffed it right into my pants pocket. It probably had the location written down where I should deliver the money.

Silently, I watched the smoke from the man’s cigarette. A brief silence fell, and then as I was about to move:

“Well, I’ll be going now.”

“Oh? Right. Take care.”

Since I normally never even greeted him, he stumbled over his words, perhaps finding it strange that I was saying a proper goodbye.

After finishing my greeting, I returned to the station. Somehow, my mind felt much lighter than before.

While waiting for the subway, the smell of cigarettes wafted into my nose. Someone was lying on a chair inside the station, smoking.

Come to think of it, I had bought cigarettes to smoke, but when the man offered, I refused without thinking twice.

It seemed better not to smoke after all. The train arrived, and I slumped my heavy body into an empty seat.

Then I took out the note I had received from my pocket.

There was an address written on the note. A flower shop at Kottbusser Tor station.

Berlin had many makeshift flower shops run by foreigners. According to Hund, a significant number of these flower shops helped with money laundering.

I crumpled the note and put it back in my pocket. Though I hadn’t done much, my body felt like it was drooping.