# Chapter 53
When the coffee I ordered arrived, I thought it felt warm despite the moderately cool weather. As I silently moistened my throat with coffee while watching Bel’s reaction, her piercing gaze fixed on me.
I forced a smile and asked about her well-being.
“How have you been all this time?”
“Just the usual. Practicing, performing. Practicing… Just that repetition. Nothing special.”
She stirred her coffee with a teaspoon, wearing a bored expression. The strange weariness in her movements immediately told me she wasn’t pleased with this situation.
It was understandable. After I disappeared without a word, Woosang had abandoned everything and wandered around. As Woosang’s friend, Bel couldn’t possibly view me kindly.
“I’d like to hear more about you. I was very curious about your whereabouts.”
Not knowing how much she knew, I couldn’t speak carelessly. Even with Bel, Woosang surely wouldn’t have shared everything easily.
I smiled bitterly and ignored the intense memories.
“I don’t know why I have to be so tired because of you two. Damn it…”
“I’m sorry.”
“Forget it. I didn’t come to hear apologies.”
She took a cigarette from her bag and put it between her lips. Then, as if remembering something, she removed it and asked me.
“Come to think of it, didn’t you quit smoking?”
“It’s okay. You can smoke.”
“Never mind. I can imagine what Woosang would say.”
I couldn’t answer and just gave a bitter smile.
“So this is how it ended up.”
“Hmm?”
After a long pause, Bel spoke calmly.
“I had hoped you two would never meet again.”
“…Really?”
I had expected her to think that way, but hearing it directly from Bel felt awkward and frustrating. I wasn’t seeking anyone’s approval, but I had believed that at least Bel would observe us dispassionately.
But I knew. She was Woosang’s friend, not mine.
“Yes. Actually, I didn’t like you from the beginning.”
“Haha…”
My throat burned. I could never get used to such direct emotions.
“He seemed more perfect and complete than anyone, but he wasn’t. So I hoped Woosang would find someone stable, someone who could at least stand on their own.”
“……”
“If you had been complete trash, I wouldn’t have stood by watching your relationship like this. I would have tried to separate you somehow.”
Woosang, as described by Bel, sounded more fragile than I had imagined. As if the Woosang I had seen and the one Bel had seen were completely different beings.
A breeze swept past us. The space that had felt warm until just now suddenly felt as cold as being trapped in ice.
“So, in conclusion, you’re the one who ruined him.”
The topic I had been trying to avoid burst from Bel’s lips. She now harbored a subtle resentment and sent malice my way. But she seemed to keep her distance, as if not completely willing to interfere in our affairs.
I knew what she wanted to hear from me. But those were words I couldn’t and wouldn’t say.
“I might have ruined Woosang. But that was our choice.”
I continued calmly, but what returned was a contradictory emotion.
“If you know that, you should also know when to give up.”
That statement actually made me more defiant. Emotional words I had never even said to Woosang poured out.
“Do you really know anything about Woosang in the first place? Do you know what thoughts he’s been living with?”
“It’s impossible to completely understand someone. But at least I know him better than you do.”
It would have been better if everything Bel said was wrong. But I couldn’t find the perfect rebuttal.
Excitement was ruining the space between us.
“It’s clear that you’re ruining Woosang. I’ve never seen him have such misguided thoughts and harm himself like this. So it’s right to end it here. What you two have now is a wrong emotion.”
“How would you know that?”
I glared at her with sharp emotion.
“I can tell. I’ve been watching Woosang for a long time, and he’s never made a wrong choice until now. But after you appeared, everything collapsed. That means you’re the core of this problem.”
I stood up abruptly and looked down at her. Despite this, Bel’s still arrogant expression dug into a corner of my mind.
“No! No one can speak about our problems. Because…”
“Because?”
“Because we are not perfect.”
I muttered with a trembling voice. No one could be perfect. I had believed Woosang was more perfect than anyone, and that thought was the biggest reason we were ruined.
My naive thoughts had made us harsh. But now I could understand. We are not perfect.
I couldn’t help but be surprised at the conclusion I had verbalized. And I wanted to express the remaining emotions.
“People can make wrong choices at any time. And I think they can find a new path again. How can everything be judged by a single moment? When the time we’ve started together is so short…”
“…Do you think so?”
I couldn’t give a confident answer. But I had to answer.
“Yes.”
After a silence, she muttered in an awkward tone.
“You’ve changed.”
I had changed. Little by little, I had been changing. It was all thanks to Woosang. No matter how rough and unpolished parts we had, I would never forget that he had reached out his hand to me.
It would surely remain in a corner of my heart forever, gripping me.
“If it had been the old you, you would have run away at my words… And I would have had to stand by and watch you both wander without direction.”
“……”
“Have you changed a lot now?”
Since I hadn’t changed perfectly, I couldn’t easily nod. We still had many emotional knots we couldn’t remove, and neither of us fully trusted each other. Nothing was certain. Nothing at all…
“It might seem wrong in someone’s eyes, but I hope it’s the right answer within yourselves. That’s all I wish for.”
As Bel’s expression softened, my mood plummeted. I felt I couldn’t take back all the words I had uttered, but at least I hoped she would understand my feelings.
I sat back down in the chair without a word. My legs trembled from the tension. Had I ever trembled like this before? I took a deep breath.
“Sometimes it’s good to have opportunities to talk like this and reflect on yourself.”
Contrary to her sharp words, her considerate meaning didn’t really resonate with me yet. Was it because I was too excited? Her words only gave me confusion.
“My words might have sounded arrogant, but please understand. I think I got too excited too.”
“…Sure.”
I forced out an answer and drank coffee in silence for a while. Already cold and tasteless, the coffee only troubled my throat.
Soon after, she put down her cup and waited for me to get up. By the time I came to my senses, quite some time had passed.
“Shall we go now?”
“Yes.”
Leaving the café, walking through the busy streets, I envied Bel who still seemed to fit in well with these streets. Although I had returned to Paris by choice, this place still felt unfriendly to me.
I wanted to emulate her, walking through and leaving such streets without a care. Just then, Bel suddenly turned around.
“Are you going to Woosang?”
“I should.”
“Let’s go.”
As if hypnotized by her words, I started walking.
Ah. It felt like the disorganized things inside me would surge up and escape through my throat. At times like this, I wanted to see Woosang. There was no other option now.
“You’re still living in Berlin, right?”
“Yes. You can visit anytime. Even if you break up with Woosang, I’ll pretend not to notice.”
I couldn’t easily laugh at her joking words. But soon I replied that I understood. Bel, who had seemed distant, approached more amicably than I had expected.
I could understand why she got along well with Woosang. She must have also accumulated loneliness in a corner of her heart and felt sad. If I hadn’t appeared, Bel and Woosang might have continued together.
A strange jealousy arose.
It was a waste of time thinking about something that wouldn’t happen. As we walked side by side for a while, Bel suddenly stopped in the street.
“There are no eternal relationships anyway. Look at now. I thought I would continue working with Woosang and staying together, but suddenly you’re by his side. Not me.”
“…Did you want to be with Woosang?”
Surprised by the topic that seemed to read my mind, I asked.
“I did. I thought I would… I’m not trying to blame you.”
Her tone revealed strong resignation. It seemed she hadn’t completely given up.
“As you said, people can change at any time, and that’s how Woosang changed too. But… No. I should stop here.”
“……”
In the silence, I could vaguely guess what Bel wanted to say. But I deliberately didn’t add anything.
It was better if Bel didn’t step further into our relationship.
As I waited for the pedestrian signal, I saw a familiar face across the street. Woosang was there, looking strangely tired. I stared at Woosang with delight, and Bel must have spotted him too, as she announced her departure to me.
“I need to go now.”
“Oh, are you sure you don’t want to say hello to Woosang before leaving?”
“We’ll meet again soon anyway. Today, I really came just to see you, Teo. I’ll be going now.”
“Oh, okay. Take care.”
“Yeah. Goodbye.”
After finishing our goodbyes, she waved and left. I didn’t understand why she was leaving so hastily, but I felt a small regret.
‘It would have been nice if the three of us could meet and talk.’
Bel’s figure strangely lingered in my mind, and for a while, I couldn’t take my eyes off her, even as the signal changed and Woosang walked towards me.
If we met again, we would have different conversations next time. I hoped those conversations would be better than now. I hoped we could casually share our still unresolved emotions and laugh it off as something from the past.
I turned my gaze to look at Woosang. Standing tall among the many people, he somehow looked dazzling.
“Hi.”
I offered a casual greeting. He made a puzzled expression. And then Woosang’s familiar touch reached my shoulder.
