# Chapter 52
“What is this…?”
When I opened the mailbox, there was an unfamiliar envelope inside. Unlike the official documents that usually arrived, this envelope only had an address and name on the front, along with a crooked stamp that someone seemed to have purchased and attached.
Looking at the return address, it was from a familiar place. It was the bookstore where I worked.
I found it strange that they would send mail when the place was right in front of me and they could contact me by phone. I thought I should take the envelope inside and check its contents.
Woosang had gone out for performance practice early in the morning, so I was completely alone at home. Woosang, who left early and only returned in the evening, still hadn’t adjusted to his busy schedule. Whenever he came home, he would shower and immediately go to bed.
For his sake, I deliberately kept busy with housework and found things I could do on my own. And I had been counting the days until I could return to the bookstore. Judging by the mail that arrived, it seemed like it was almost time to go back.
As I drank a glass of water and opened the envelope, I found only a single sheet of paper inside.
“…a termination notice?”
I was so shocked by the title written on it that I spat out the water I was drinking. Coughing, I read it again, but the title remained the same.
I checked the envelope and its contents to make sure it was really meant for me, and it was. The bookstore had sent me a termination notice.
Why? Sure, I had taken a few days off and made mistakes, but could they notify me like this without saying anything? My mind went blank. After standing there dazed, I read through the contents again.
Come to think of it, Natalie had told me that the first six months were a probationary period during which the contract could be terminated at any time, and I could quit just as easily.
‘What should I do?’
Suddenly, it felt like sweat was bursting from every pore of my body. Strangely enough, more than the disappointment of losing my job, the thought of having to tell Woosang about this felt insurmountable.
‘After proudly saying I would work, I’ve received a termination notice in just a few months.’
Moreover, I thought my relationship with Natalie and the other colleagues hadn’t been bad. I thought I had done well at my job before making mistakes, but maybe that wasn’t the case at all.
In the midst of my confusion, I bumped my still-unhealed burned foot against the table leg.
“Ugh…!”
Startled, I fell backward, and the table shook, causing the glass of water I had placed on it to fall to the floor.
Crash!
Water splashed everywhere, even reaching my face as I lay fallen. In an instant, everything around me became a mess. I stared blankly at the scene, my mind turning completely white, unable to do anything.
It was fortunate that Woosang wasn’t here. If he had been, I don’t think I could have maintained my sanity any better than now.
As Woosang had said, it’s not like I wanted to work at the bookstore forever, and it wasn’t my ideal job either. But working there was a kind of proof for me.
The first step in being able to do something ordinary. Proof that I could stand on my own. That’s what it meant.
As one thing collapsed, everything seemed to crumble down. But the anxiety wasn’t as severe as before. I just felt empty, facing a bleak future, and couldn’t help but let out a hollow laugh.
‘Should I just quit like this?’
But I didn’t want to.
Carefully getting up, I headed to where I had left my phone. I checked it, wondering if Natalie had contacted me, but of course, there was nothing.
Should I call her? The letter didn’t give a clear reason for the termination.
‘Would anything change if I asked?’
It might be quicker to ask Woosang. He knows everything, after all. In that case, there was nothing I could do until he returned. I had always been like that.
I suddenly realized that just because I thought I could change, it didn’t mean it would happen easily.
My head was throbbing. Taking a deep breath, even though it was still midday, I got into bed and pulled the covers tightly over myself. I wanted to drift off to sleep like this, but having already slept for a long time earlier, there was no way I could fall asleep again.
I poked my head out and stared at the ceiling. I felt ashamed of my pathetic state. Maybe this was actually for the best. This intense termination notice seemed to somewhat dilute the issues from the past.
Even so, I felt harshly reminded that in this continuously flowing world, not even a moment’s pause is allowed.
I had a vague understanding of why Woosang had been unable to stop and had been working so hard, whipping himself forward until now.
Everything felt incredibly bothersome. Even the suffocating feeling became tiresome. And I didn’t want to be conscious of my pathetic self, still just waiting for Woosang.
***
The door opened, and Woosang came home. I had been sitting blankly in the darkened living room with only the floor lamp on, and I heard him take a deep breath.
“What are you doing there?”
“…You’re back?”
“Yes. Why are you sitting like that with the lights off? Can I turn them on?”
“Yes.”
When he turned on the lights, my dim eyes suddenly felt clear. And in the space that had been dark, Woosang stood tall.
Perhaps because he had started working again recently, he seemed to grow stronger with each passing day. He looked at me with a puzzled expression.
I raised my hand and quietly pointed to the termination document on the table. Not understanding at first, he stared at my fingertip for a long while until he noticed the document at the end of it and silently picked it up to read.
As soon as he read the title, I felt him tightly close his mouth and even his breathing became shallow.
Standing awkwardly, he didn’t move a muscle. His reaction made me even sadder. How nice it would be if he at least scolded me.
After a while of watching each other cautiously, I spoke first.
“I’m okay.”
“…If you’re okay, then that’s good.”
A deep sigh sank to the floor, though I couldn’t tell whose it was. Soon after, Woosang came over to me and gently rubbed my back.
He usually teased me about when I would quit, but now his unusual quietness made me uncomfortable.
“I’ve heard that this kind of thing is common in France.”
“…Is that so?”
It sounded like a lie, but since he was the one saying it, I wasn’t sure if I should believe it.
“Yes. Bel once fought with a colleague and got fired after just two weeks…”
Bel. It had been a long time since I’d heard that name. So Bel had been through this too. The Bel I had met was a person without any rough edges, someone who easily got along with people. If even someone like that could get fired… Somehow, that made me feel a bit better.
Then suddenly, Woosang beside me laughed out loud as if the situation was funny.
“Why are you laughing?”
“No, I’m sorry. It’s just that this situation is funny… What does it matter if you got fired? If they fired you after telling you to take a break, it’s better that you got fired.”
“……”
With his mischievous expression full of spite, I had nothing more to say. Seeing him act so unpredictably spiteful after being infinitely kind made my tension suddenly melt away.
Although my heart was still full of uneasiness, there was nothing I could do about it. It wasn’t my fault.
“Don’t worry too much. I’m busy right now, but once this performance is over, let’s look for something new together.”
I nodded at his words.
“Come to think of it, have you tried contacting that person?”
“Who?”
“The woman you worked with.”
“Ah, Natalie.”
Now that he mentioned it, I wanted to hear a proper explanation from her. Why she had let me go just like that, without any mention. I thought Natalie and I had been relatively close. I liked her—taciturn but considerate. I had a strong desire to continue being friends with her.
I had questions, but there wasn’t much I could do. After staring at my phone for a while, Woosang said it was fine and put it away somewhere.
As I quietly looked at him, he seemed to be in quite a good mood.
“How was today?”
“It was good. I think I’m getting more used to the practice now.”
His answer was refreshing for someone who had been reluctant to start dancing again. In fact, since he started, he seemed to be becoming as free as he used to be, making me feel like he might suddenly leave for somewhere far away.
If that’s the case, when I see his performance, will I feel that inexplicable sense of kinship like before? Or will I despair at the differences between us that have become too great?
Though the situation was becoming increasingly similar to when I felt happy back then, I as a person was steadily falling into some unknown place.
I got up from my seat, thinking of bringing something to drink for Woosang, and headed to the kitchen.
As I poured water to bring to him, I noticed him sprawled languidly, staring at me intently. Once again, he seemed to notice my depression and was busy making his eyes shine.
Then Woosang blurted out:
“Bel will be coming to Paris soon.”
“Bel…”
“Not for the performance, but for various reasons.”
I see. It had been a really long time since I’d seen Bel. Was the last time I saw her already last autumn? I occasionally heard Woosang talking to her on the phone, but I hadn’t even heard that sound recently.
“Do you want to meet her when she comes?”
“…Of course we should.”
Even though I didn’t keep in touch with her separately, hearing news about her through Woosang had given me a strange affection for Bel.
We didn’t talk much when we met, but I felt I would experience happiness from the longing to see her again.
‘What should I talk about when we meet after so long?’
She had already seen through our relationship so well; perhaps she could suggest a small direction for us in the future.
***
“You crazy bastard.”
Bel hurled the curse at my face without warning. Startled, I stared at her blankly, her eyes shining as if they would devour me.
Since Woosang had gone out for practice, we had arranged to meet just the two of us, and I came out with a nervous heart, but Bel didn’t seem to like me. Of course, she could feel that way. I was equally uncomfortable about this meeting.
“…Hello.”
All I could offer in response to her words was a greeting. Before long, Bel sighed and walked briskly ahead without saying anything to me.
For a while, I silently watched Bel’s back, but as the distance between us grew, I ran to catch up and stood beside her.
Seeing me like this, Bel cursed again and then, as if giving up, closed her mouth.
“Where are we going?”
“……”
There was no answer, but knowing she wouldn’t drive me away, I looked around. The bustling street and overflowing crowds were just noisy. Bel, who navigated through such streets as if it were natural, seemed unbothered.
Meeting Bel again, she hadn’t changed at all from before. But the malice that hadn’t been there in the past was a separate issue.
“Bel.”
“Just shut up and come. Got it?”
She cut off my words as if they were nothing and spoke without looking at me. As we walked quietly, I spotted a familiar place in my peripheral vision.
It was the café where we had met together before. I didn’t understand why she was deliberately heading there, but since it was a café I liked, I thought it would be fine.
I was suddenly realizing that the past I had been somewhat embarrassed about was actually better than I had thought.
