# Chapter 51
“Are you going to keep making mistakes like this?”
“…I’m sorry.”
“This is driving me crazy. How many times has it been now?”
One of my colleagues stormed out of the warehouse in anger. After over a week of being unable to concentrate, my coworkers seemed to have lost their patience and weren’t holding back their frustration anymore.
I stood dazed in place before sitting down on the makeshift chair provided for breaks and looked around the cluttered interior. My tangled thoughts made it impossible to understand what I was even doing right now.
‘What am I actually afraid of in the first place?’
I wanted to think more about it, but couldn’t concentrate because of work. I just wanted to spend time here in a daze and then go home.
Of course, even if I went home, the stifling feeling of keeping my mouth shut to hide my depressed emotions wouldn’t change.
Knock knock.
Someone knocked on the door. I waited without answering, and the door opened as Natalie came in. Our eyes met, and for a while, neither of us said anything.
Then she came in front of me, crossed her arms as if she had something to say, and looked down at me.
“What’s going on with you?”
“……”
“I’m not saying you need to tell me your personal business. But rather than continuing to struggle, talking might help.”
Her wise response left me with nothing to say. I was grateful that she was speaking to me calmly despite my constant mistakes and errors. But that didn’t mean I could tell her about my worries.
Forcing a smile at her, I moved my lips. Although Natalie seemed to be waiting for my response based on my expression, I still couldn’t speak.
“Or would you like to take a few days off? I’ll let them know you’re sick and need rest.”
“Is that okay?”
“Of course.”
If I took time off work, I’d have nothing to say to Woosang at home. But if I continued working like this, I’d only cause more trouble here.
“Then I’ll do that. I’ll rest for a little while…”
“Good. You can go home for today. I’ll let them know.”
“Thank you.”
I carefully stood up and left the warehouse. Our eyes met through the gap before closing the door, but her composed expression revealed no emotions.
Sighing, I changed clothes and slipped out when none of my colleagues were watching. Thankfully, no one stopped me.
I trudged along until I reached home, but I couldn’t find the courage to go inside.
Woosang would be home at this hour, and I had no idea what to say to him. Just then, I heard footsteps behind me.
“Teo?”
“Ah.”
With impeccable timing, Woosang was walking up behind me. I fumbled nervously in my pocket for the key while he watched my actions as if waiting to see what I would do.
“Um… shall we go inside first?”
“Sure.”
Looking at the bag in Woosang’s hand, it seemed he had just visited the market near our home. I opened the door and gestured for him to enter first. He thanked me and went inside, and I followed, closing the door behind us.
“Have you eaten?”
“Yes.”
I stood awkwardly in place, watching Woosang speak casually as if intentionally pretending not to notice. He glanced at me briefly before heading to the kitchen to prepare a meal, then beckoned me over.
“Even if you’ve eaten, will you sit with me?”
“…Sure.”
I sat across from Woosang and drank the water placed in front of me. For a while, all I heard was the clinking of tableware as he ate in silence.
After an uncomfortable mealtime passed, he cleared the table. I helped him with the dishes, wondering what excuse I should make.
As I sat on the sofa in the living room, he smiled and asked:
“Now tell me what happened.”
“Nothing special. I’ve been making a lot of mistakes lately, so Natalie said she’d tell my colleagues that I needed some rest… It’s pathetic, isn’t it?”
He shook his head.
“If the job doesn’t suit you, there’s no need to force yourself to continue. You liked books in the first place, not becoming a bookstore employee.”
“Of course, but…”
But how could I do what I wanted when I couldn’t even handle such a basic job? I could blame my current situation, but that would just be an excuse.
It seemed my specialty was ruining work by getting swept up in emotions. It was painful. What could I do with such an unstable mind? And how long would Woosang be able to tolerate someone like me?
As anxiety began to creep in, Woosang pulled something from his pocket.
“I was planning to give this to you later, but I’ll give it to you now.”
“What is it?”
“A performance poster.”
He seemed to have been busy with something lately, and it appeared he had already started preparing for a performance. As I unfolded the poster, I saw Woosang printed at the edge of the page.
“After being away for so long, I couldn’t get a lead role. Still, I found work more easily than I expected, so it’s not bad.”
“…Congratulations. I knew you’d do well.”
I looked at the poster again. Looking at Woosang in it, he appeared to have a refreshed expression, as if he had shed something unpleasant.
It was an expression I rarely saw when he was with me. With a bewildered feeling, some part of my body stung madly.
I hoped that as he started working and returned to his previous life, he would become more stable and upright. I thought his life, which I had ruined, would recover, and I could fit myself into it. But standing beside him as he began working again, I felt an indescribable emotion.
‘What would I do if someone else important came into his life?’
I feared what extreme choices I might make when left in this anxious time.
When I stared blankly for too long, he quickly took the poster back.
“It’s embarrassing, so stop looking.”
“Can’t you give that to me?”
“I’ll give you a new one later. This one is wrinkled…”
Somehow my empty hand felt lonely. The sound of Woosang’s footsteps heading to his room echoed faintly in my ears.
I stared blankly at the room he had entered. Despite the sunlight pouring in, the unlit room appeared dark.
The world that was gradually fading felt both strange and familiar. Though I didn’t want to accept it, I could predict that we would eventually return to how things were before.
“Woosang.”
I called his name, but no answer came.
***
I woke up, crumpled in a corner of the bed, and felt no presence beside me. Confused, I stretched out my hand to feel the bed, and there was a strange warmth. It seemed Woosang had only gotten up recently.
I wanted to bury myself in bed and sleep more, but I felt I should get up. I didn’t want to become lazy.
I rubbed my eyes as I got up and opened the curtains. For some reason, the sky was full of clouds. I thought there wouldn’t be any more rainy days, but I guess I was wrong.
After staring outside for a while, I came out to the living room to find Woosang sitting on the sofa, fully dressed. Finding this strange, I looked down at my own attire, and our contrasting appearances felt odd. And unusually, he wasn’t looking at me at all.
“Where are you going?”
“You’re awake?”
“Yes. Isn’t it still early?”
I looked for the clock, but there was nothing in the place where it usually hung. I couldn’t understand where it had gone when it had been there perfectly fine just last night.
“Woosang, have you seen the clock?”
“……”
He didn’t answer and just stared at me intently. The gaze that had been completely absent until now was suddenly following me persistently.
Somehow the familiar house seemed incomplete. The sense of dissonance I felt once began to devour everything around me.
“Since Teo is awake, I’ll be going now.”
“What? Where to?”
Woosang made an expression that was neither frowning nor smiling and sealed his lips again. Feeling something was off, I wanted to approach him, but somehow my feet seemed stuck to the floor. Flustered, I tried to move here and there, but it was useless.
After watching me fidget anxiously, Woosang spoke again.
“You don’t tell me anything, yet you expect me to tell you about myself?”
“What…?”
“Goodbye.”
He adjusted the clothes he was wearing and headed to the front door. Alarmed by his behavior, I desperately wanted to move, but my body was frozen and wouldn’t budge at all.
I wanted to call out to him loudly, but my lips were suddenly sealed shut. I wanted to grab my closed throat, but I still couldn’t move as if tightly bound.
Woosang had promised not to leave me.
I had promised to tell him everything once he started working. He wouldn’t break his promise. A promise…
Even as I was becoming exhausted, Woosang couldn’t be any different. But no matter how many things he had given up or how far he had fallen because of me, he was still someone I could only look up to. That’s why I thought he wouldn’t break his word.
‘But would he really…?’
Distrust was eating away at me.
Just then, my rigid body began to shake strangely. It felt like someone’s breath was touching my neck.
It was time to wake up.
***
When I opened my eyes with difficulty, Woosang’s face was close enough that our noses almost touched. I was so startled I nearly screamed, but I swallowed it down.
“What are you doing?”
“Who knows?”
Seeing him feign innocence, an overwhelming sense of relief washed over me. Thankfully, it seemed I had only had a short nightmare.
Woosang reached out and caressed my eyes. There was a strange warmth in his fingertips. It was a different sensation from my own fingertips, which had always tormented themselves.
The small sensation I felt on my eyelids seemed to release my tension. As I blinked several times, trying hard not to be swept away by the dream, I noticed his serene expression.
I wanted to preserve his calm emotions. Yes, now wasn’t the time to tell him anything. Even if I were to say something, it should be after Woosang’s performance.
I didn’t want to create anything that would disturb him, and I felt that if I could see him dance, my own frustration would completely subside.
‘I just need to hold on until then.’
I muttered to myself. It would be perfect if both of us could speak when we were at peace. Just then, Woosang smiled slightly.
“What are you thinking about by yourself again?”
Instead of answering, I reached out and gently brushed his hair. I could feel the soft strands slipping between my fingers. I couldn’t completely erase my anxiety, but just by touching him, I could gain a deep sense of stability.
Would there come a day when all the emotions I had acquired by recalling the past would be diluted and disappear when I was with him?
Surely I would know the answer someday. But I couldn’t be certain when that time would come. Today, anxiety still existed here.
