# Chapter 50
When morning came, Woosang made coffee for me. With a dazed mind, I tried to drink the coffee but dropped the cup.
Crash!
With a loud shattering sound, hot coffee spilled over my feet. But I didn’t feel it was as hot as expected, so I just stared at it blankly.
“Are you okay?”
“Yes.”
He checked my feet where the coffee had spilled. As he carefully examined the reddened area and hurriedly wiped it with tissue, it seemed like a blister was forming. Only then did I start to feel a faint pain and heat.
“You don’t look okay at all. This won’t do. We should go to the hospital…”
“No. It doesn’t hurt much.”
“……”
“Just bandage it for me, please?”
When I spoke as calmly as possible, Woosang bit his lip tightly as if suppressing his anger, then said okay and brought out the first aid kit. Then he applied burn ointment and skillfully wrapped a bandage.
“What happened yesterday? Why are you so out of it?”
“……”
How would I normally respond in this situation? I couldn’t remember. Would I have smiled slightly and apologized? Or…
I can’t remember. If I regained my lost memories, would the current me disappear? In this short day, I’ve become unable to recognize the person called ‘me’.
It’s all because of that damn past. Why did I try to be confident instead of hiding as usual? I’ve realized again that I’m not that strong a person. I somewhat knew that if I didn’t know, I wouldn’t get hurt.
“…Can we talk about it later?”
His expression of trying to hold back is both frightening and reassuring, as I know he’ll be patient. These days, he doesn’t force me to open up about hidden emotions. I felt apologetic and grateful for that.
“Rather than that, how was your day yesterday, Woosang?”
“…It was hectic. Now, is this okay? Let’s talk about other things later, but first try to walk a bit.”
Looking at my neatly bandaged foot, I hesitated, then tried to put weight on it and walk, but fortunately, it didn’t hurt much.
It was almost time to go to work, so I was worried whether I could work like this. But I felt like working would help clear my mind of distracting thoughts.
“Can you go to work?”
“Yes. I’ll try, and if it seems difficult, I’ll have to say something.”
“Alright. I can support us even if Teo gets fired, so if it’s not working out, you can quit.”
“Haha…”
Perhaps noticing my gloomy expression, he deliberately spoke in a bright voice.
Seeing him suppress his anger and speak with a cheerful expression made me feel even more uncomfortable today. It wasn’t my burned foot, but the edge of my conscience that tormented me.
“And I’ve decided to work now too.”
“Really?”
He, who had been caressing my foot, stood up somewhat awkwardly. My mood, which had been down despite this being something to celebrate, improved a bit.
Indeed, Woosang knew me too well. He probably said that expecting it would improve my mood.
“I originally wanted to tell you with a bit more atmosphere, but it can’t be helped.”
“…I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine.”
He said not to apologize and cleaned up the broken cup and aftermath. It was bitter that my emotions, which had been at their worst, returned with just one of his words.
That’s why I wanted to depend on Woosang even more. The naive feeling persisted. Could I live by ignoring everything and suppressing the past?
I wanted to leave Oliver, who had now departed from me, as a secret just between us. But then the guilt-filled expression of Oliver came to mind, filling me with emptiness.
With a dazed mind, I helped Woosang finish cleaning up and prepared to go to work. No matter how confused I was, I had to do my scheduled work.
As I trudged out the door, Woosang saw me off with a smile.
“Teo. Have a good day.”
“Yes. See you later.”
My body trembled slightly when he called my name. I still liked the way Woosang called my name. It doesn’t matter if the old name that no one loved disappears. There was no warmth contained in that name.
After leaving home and looking around the street, even though everything was covered in green as spring had arrived, nothing really resonated with me.
A place where flowers bloom even in April and it’s quiet. Certainly, this place was brilliantly colorful in spring and summer. But what meaning does that have?
Looking at how my heart felt like a useless existence in depression even with the hot sun touching me, I felt that way. I raised my hand to touch my cheek, which was heated by the sunlight. Somehow, the place I touched felt cold.
When I arrived in front of the bookstore, I saw Natalie, who was deep in thought while drinking a cup of coffee. With her calm expression, she looked like someone who wouldn’t be shaken by anything.
I wonder how she lives her life. Does Natalie also have days when she’s strongly shaken? If so, I was curious about how she finds solutions and continues to live.
“Hello.”
“Hi. Want some coffee?”
“No. I had some before coming.”
Since there was still some time before working hours, I sat down in an empty seat and looked around blankly. Perhaps finding it strange that I, who would usually be doing something, was sitting still, she stared at me.
“Did something happen?”
“No.”
“You look tired… Are you sure nothing happened?”
“Yeah. I’m fine.”
Since my voice lacked strength, I answered casually, and Natalie didn’t ask further and just sipped her coffee. Not long after, another employee also arrived for work, and accordingly, I got up to prepare for work.
There was no energy in my body, and the burned area on my foot stung every time it rubbed against my shoe as I moved.
Can I do well? I wasn’t confident. Anxious feelings kept growing and consuming me, then suddenly became calm, which was confusing. I shook my head.
“Teo. Can you take these in the cart to the storage room?”
“Okay.”
The cart full of heavy books looked precarious just by looking at it. Since I had become somewhat familiar with the work, my colleagues had recently been sending me books piled high as if they were testing me.
That joke was uncomfortable today, but there was no choice. I pushed away my dizzying thoughts and moved my body. If I concentrate, these distracting thoughts would surely disappear soon. I decided to believe that.
***
When work ended, I felt like my body was going to collapse forward. With a blurry mind and a stinging foot, I made mistakes all day long. On top of that, I almost got into a fight for not listening to a customer’s words while being absentminded.
It was already impressive that I worked all day with this state of mind. Sighing, I entered the house and found Woosang stretching.
“You’re back?”
“What are you doing?”
“Stretching. Since performance practice starts a month from now, I thought I should loosen up my body a bit.”
He moved his body in various ways with a somewhat satisfied expression. Seeing that, I felt a negative emotion I’d never had before rising in my heart.
Clearly, it was because I wanted him to return to dancing, but somehow, I didn’t like it. Right now, I just wanted him to look into my eyes and focus on me. I wanted him to put everything else aside and only look at me.
‘When did I become such a selfish person?’
Was it from the beginning? Perhaps that’s why I made such a dirty choice in the past.
“Woosang.”
“What?”
“Can’t we just go to bed now?”
I spoke with a tired voice. At that, he stopped and looked at me as if he’d heard something strange.
“Why are you interfering with my work for once?”
“It’s not like that…”
“I’m joking.”
He smiled and headed to the bathroom. It seemed like he was going to wash up. Soon, the sound of water was heard. The regular falling sound made me feel a faint thirst.
I felt like I needed to face Woosang, who had just gone in to wash, right away. Pushing the rough thoughts to a corner of my mind, I rubbed my face dry.
Not recognizing myself for trying to act impulsively, I couldn’t sit still. With the sound of water coming for a long time, my mind became distant.
I just wanted to disappear somewhere before Woosang knew about my dirty and ugly past.
***
After washing up, I saw Teo sleeping on the sofa. Whenever I see him falling asleep in the living room, I can’t understand why he seems so childlike.
His vulnerability, despite always trying to show a restrained and affectionate appearance, was very precious to me.
Yesterday, after successfully completing the contract for the new performance, I rushed home with an excited heart, but I was incredibly disappointed to see the lights off.
On top of that, seeing Teo pretending to be asleep even though he wasn’t made me want to tease him.
Just by listening to his breathing, I could tell whether he was awake or asleep, but he didn’t know that. Of course, this was a secret only I knew.
I sat next to Teo and rested my head on his shoulder. Water droplets from my still damp hair fell and wet his clothes.
“I’m so vexed.”
I murmured while looking at him. It seems something definitely happened yesterday, but he didn’t seem inclined to open his mouth.
Recently, he’s been putting me to the test. He openly socialized with female employees at the bookstore, and even when experiencing something unpleasant, he didn’t even think about talking about it.
Every time, I waited patiently for him to talk first, but what came back was just another lonely time.
At that moment, the phone in Teo’s pocket caught my eye. Recently, it didn’t seem like he was getting any special calls, so I hadn’t checked, but I already knew that he had a problem because of that human called Oliver.
I took out the phone, making sure not to wake him, and checked inside. The phone, which had no password set, opened easily.
Looking at the call history, there was a clear record of a call with Oliver yesterday.
“……”
I already knew that Teo had no special feelings for this man and understood that there wouldn’t be anything serious, but that didn’t mean it was okay for him to meet without telling me.
Without hesitation, I boldly wrote down the man’s number on my phone and put Teo’s phone back in its original position.
Then, leaning on him, I thought about what to do with this number. Him sleeping and me lost in thought. Only the sound of the clock’s second hand was loudly ringing.
Now that I’m starting to work, we’ll return to the previous life that Teo so desperately wanted. Previous life. Past. What’s the use of all that?
‘Return, you say. That’s not possible.’
I thought blankly out of emptiness. He was obsessed with the past life he felt was ordinary, but I was displeased with that belief. After all, we had changed so much, how could we possibly return to before?
Our emotions always ran in different directions. And we found some level of compromise. So when I start working, there will be a new period of change.
And at that time, Teo will surely realize that it’s impossible to go back to the past.
There were times when he keenly realized something, thought, and led me without me telling him. But I wasn’t such a kind person. So I hoped he would experience some despair and depend on me.
‘You who are so naive, I…’
I will wait for the time of change again, and I won’t be unilaterally swayed as before.
So I needed something advantageous to me. For example, something like another man’s number that had landed in my hands.
