# Chapter 49
When May arrived, occasionally, the sunlight poured down brilliantly. On such days, I usually spent time staring blankly at the melting snow.
Normally, I would have stood there absentmindedly for hours alone, but today, for some reason, my uncle sat next to me and watched with me.
I faced my uncle for the first time since a small incident a few days ago. I was puzzled that he was still at home when almost three weeks had passed. He had never stayed this long before.
That wasn’t the only strange thing. Him constantly hovering around me was also unprecedented. He seemed to have something he wanted to tell me, but didn’t speak clearly.
“When are you going back?”
“After I finish my job.”
“When does that job end?”
“Soon.”
Thinking he was refusing to talk, I lost track of what to say. I’d never had any particular thoughts about my uncle, but today, he felt uncomfortable. Feeling he wouldn’t answer if I asked more, I silently got up and headed toward the forest. But my uncle began walking slowly behind me as if he wanted to come along.
“Last time you asked if I wanted to leave home. You said I could go anywhere.”
“…”
“I want to go somewhere warm even in April. And I’d prefer somewhere quiet.”
With my answer, the footsteps behind me stopped. My feet seemed to freeze in a strange tension.
“Really?”
“Yes.”
He gave a bland answer and turned his steps toward home. Watching him go back, I felt suddenly afraid.
Somehow, it felt like I’d said the wrong thing. I should have added that it would be okay if I couldn’t leave. While I would like to escape if possible, it would be fine if I couldn’t.
I hated my parents who tormented me, but it wasn’t so painful that I had to leave. Still, they hadn’t abandoned me, so it was a relationship I could compromise with.
Someday when I became an adult, I could leave without trying to escape. Oliver had said that everyone normally becomes independent from their parents when they become adults.
So it was okay.
Even so, looking at the warm clothes my uncle had bought me, I grew curious. If I went with him, could I feel this warmth all the time?
Bang!
Just then, the door opened with a loud noise, and my mother ran out from the house. With her bare feet and disheveled hair that she hadn’t even tried to fix, she looked somehow anxious.
“Ichen! Go get the police…!”
How long had it been since my mother called me by my name? It was a strange feeling. The fact that she called my name floated through my mind more than the tension visible on her face.
As I blinked and just stared at her, my uncle soon grabbed her by the neck, covered her mouth, and dragged her back into the house.
Since she often fought with my father in such a way, it didn’t seem like a big deal. Just then, my uncle beckoned to me through the gap in the door.
“Ichen. Come in.”
As if enchanted by his call, I went inside the house.
Though I had cleaned up neatly before going out in the morning, the house was a mess with all sorts of things. And my parents were sprawled on the floor, letting out small groans.
My uncle placed his hand on my shoulder and whispered in my ear.
“You said you wanted to leave, right?”
“…”
His words sounded unusually sweet, unlike usual. No one had ever spoken to me like this. Even Oliver had never used a gentle voice with me.
Somehow, it felt like a corner of my mind was tempting me to listen to his words.
“If you kill your mom and dad, I’ll let you come with me. To a place that’s warm even in April and quiet, as you wished. But if you can’t kill them, you can just stay here with your parents.”
Do you understand?
My body stiffened at the sudden proposition. It was an absurd request. They might hit me, but they never tried to kill me. Surely.
Or was it? Come to think of it, my mother often cursed at me, telling me to die. Recalling that, this situation didn’t seem so out of place.
At his whisper, I turned my gaze to look at my father and mother. Their unfocused eyes were hazily fixed on me. And only the kitchen knife lying beside them clearly caught my eye.
If it had been like usual, I would have naturally refused the offer.
But now I was wearing the warm clothes my uncle had bought me. Perhaps from the moment I put on these clothes, I had only one choice. His act of buying me clothes felt like a warm kindness to me, and it felt as cozy as if I had the whole world.
It was a warmth I had never felt in this house. If so, wasn’t there only one choice I could make now?
My parents never gave me an ounce of affection. All I received was sharp violence. What remained of me was covered in helplessness and ignorance.
My surroundings were shaking to the point of dizziness.
So it wasn’t my fault.
It wasn’t my fault.
***
Along with Oliver’s anxious eyes, all my transgressions came back to me.
“I felt like I had said something harsh to you then, so I secretly visited your house a while later to apologize. But…”
“…”
That’s right. When I was young, I had a friend named Oliver. Why had I forgotten everything? I couldn’t understand why my mind had erased all memories from that time.
If I had been a little closer to him, I wouldn’t have followed my uncle’s words. If only I had a little more warmth.
“After that, bodies were found in your house, but since your body wasn’t there, the case was concluded as a kidnapping. And since our family was the only one living near your house, police and reporters came to our house every day, and both my parents and I were so exhausted that we had to move away. To Australia.”
Eyes of sympathy were directed at me. Surely Oliver had also been hurt because of me. But such things weren’t important now. All that remained was resentment.
My heart was beating so fast it felt like it would burst. The memories resurfacing through someone else were raging unbearably.
“I know I shouldn’t say this, but even though you committed that act back then… I’m glad you’re alive.”
“Why are you saying such things?”
“Why, you ask? I’m just glad to see you…”
“If you were going to hide it, you should have kept it hidden and left forever!”
I shouted at him, stepping back. I wished there was a cliff behind me.
A feeling of despair boiled up. If I had remained the same as when I was young, I wouldn’t have known such emotions. If I hadn’t met Woosang. If I hadn’t received true affection from someone.
But what meaning would these memories that have surfaced hold for me now, who has come to know all of that?
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know you had forgotten. Really.”
Oliver apologized sincerely. Seeing my dizziness, he seemed to have realized that I had forgotten all of my past.
The hollowness was beyond words.
I had believed until now that I had never harmed others with malice in my life. Everything was because of ‘Hund’s’ orders, and I had believed, albeit slightly, that I had a way to claim innocence. But even that was a lie.
So I had been full of malice from the time when I knew nothing.
I had compromised, saying I had lived that way unavoidably because of another’s orders. And now all those thoughts were proven to be false.
I couldn’t understand how I could stand here with such a face. Indeed, I should have died back then.
“…Get out quickly.”
I notified Oliver, who was standing awkwardly in front of me. He moved his lips, but realizing that no more words would get through, he turned around and left.
As I watched his receding back, once again the image of my childhood fell out of my memory. The first person who shared warm heat with me now seemed only hateful.
But pretending not to know wouldn’t make my sin disappear.
In the end, I was a murderer, an arrogant person who believed I could harm even my family with malice and still make a fresh start.
Suddenly, I felt like I had lost my way. Everything passing by felt only disgusting.
“Home…”
Can I go home?
Come to think of it, I had promised to tell Woosang about my past when he started working. Right. That’s right. Now I have a story to tell him. I can talk to him with my memories that have become whole.
“Ha, haha…”
Meaningless laughter escaped from my mouth. For now, I had to go back. I felt I needed to go back and think.
My body felt heavy like lead, and I could hardly move forward. After walking a few steps, I became tired and had to sit down on the ground to catch my breath, and again, after not going far, I was out of breath and panted for a while.
I thought I wouldn’t fall any further. I had already been swimming at the bottom for a long time. So I thought it would be okay no matter what happened now.
I was afraid of the days to come. By the time I thought I was okay after coming this far, I was only afraid of everything that would rise again to torment me.
It was a tiring and desperate day. Living was too burdensome.
***
I couldn’t remember how I got back home. My lungs hurt from exhaling heavily several times as I climbed the stairs. But surprisingly, tears didn’t come.
I thought I was getting used to sadness and weak emotions, but instead, my emotions seemed to have hidden somewhere. I wonder if they knew my feeling of not wanting to feel anything.
Click.
Just then, with the sound of the door opening, a familiar presence was felt. It seemed Woosang had returned.
I deliberately covered myself with the blanket up to the top of my head, pretending to be asleep. Then he came to me and carefully stroked me over the blanket.
“…Are you sleeping?”
His gentle voice penetrated through the blanket. I wanted to say I was awake, but I didn’t even have the energy. Of course, I didn’t have the courage to face him either.
I hated myself for wanting his comfort even at times like this.
‘Let’s just get through tonight and think slowly.’
I might be able to find an answer. Someday, I might be able to send everything to the grave and stand with dignity. The wishful thinking kept getting longer.
A familiar warmth seeped through the blanket. From childhood, I had wanted this warmth so badly. That’s why I harmed my family without hesitation and erased that fact from my memory without a care.
The sleep that had fled returned with the warm heat. The fact that I was becoming stable again after trembling with anxiety like that, surely proved I was messed up.
