# Chapter 41
As I sat at the table looking at the menu brought by the staff, I couldn’t focus on the names of the dishes since they were all foods I’d never eaten before. On top of that, why were the descriptions so verbose? There were hardly any proper food names written.
Wondering what to do, I looked at Woosang, and our eyes met.
“What are you going to order?”
“You choose for me, Teo.”
“What?”
Woosang pushed his menu toward me as if to say ‘hurry up and choose.’ Somehow, I felt cold sweat forming. Usually, Woosang would choose for me and deal with the staff himself. But now he was forcing me to do it, as if out of spite. No, it was definitely spite.
Thinking about it, whenever I spent time with Woosang, dealing with people outside was always his responsibility. I’d always been living as he led me, following what Woosang decided.
I had resolved to stand on my own and become equal to Woosang, but without him, I couldn’t do anything by myself.
It was pathetic. I hated myself for being so shaken and anxious over such a small act of spite.
Still, I had to do what was asked of me now. It seemed ridiculous to make such a big deal about choosing food, but I felt that if I could start doing these small things on my own, someday I would become something.
“Are you ready to order?”
Just then, a staff member came over with a gentle smile and asked. Woosang just looked at me as if to say, ‘go ahead, give it a try.’ His gaze made my thoughts spin.
I ordered something I spotted on the menu, and as soon as the staff left, I let out a deep sigh of relief and looked at Woosang. He didn’t meet my eyes, just drank his water. I wanted to ask what he was so upset about, but I could tell he didn’t want to talk to me.
When the food arrived, I tried to speak to Woosang a few more times, but he cut off the conversation with a displeased voice.
After our meal, when we stepped outside, a cold gust of air whipped around us. I could barely open my eyes from the cold, but I noticed Woosang hunching from the cold as he walked ahead. I took off my scarf and carefully wrapped it around him.
“I’m fine.”
“You’ll be cold. Please wear it… Can I hold your hand?”
“…Alright.”
Woosang gave me his hand with a strange expression. I took his hand and put it in my pocket together with mine. Wondering if his mood had improved a bit, I looked at him, but Woosang still wore an unreadable expression.
We walked the streets for a long time without speaking. Some places were crowded with people, while others were empty. We wandered through alleyways for quite a while.
My stomach felt uncomfortably full from what we’d eaten, but more than the physical discomfort, I was concerned with emotions I couldn’t understand.
Finally, unable to bear it any longer, I asked Woosang:
“Are you not going to talk to me at all?”
“About what?”
“If you’re uncomfortable being with me, just tell me.”
“…It’s not that. Just,”
“We can’t live without talking to each other.”
I blurted out accusingly, feeling frustrated. He frowned deeply, seemingly quite angry.
“Right now, to me…”
Our voices were getting louder. It was happening again. The atmosphere between us hadn’t changed since yesterday.
I didn’t want to speak forcefully, but I felt like I might suffocate if we continued like this. Through everything we’d been through, we were still stuck, unable to properly talk about anything.
I still knew nothing about Woosang, and Woosang knew nothing about me. We only guessed, ‘this is how they must be.’
‘What do I know about him?’
What did we see in each other that made us promise to be together? I couldn’t tell. I knew nothing.
“I feel uncomfortable talking about negative things with Teo.”
“What?”
“I just want to talk about good things, to see only the good between us. I don’t want to tell you about my feelings.”
Woosang blurted this out with that strange expression again, speaking forcefully. Surprised by his tone, I let go of his hand and stepped back. Woosang frowned at my reaction, seemingly hurt, but then reached out to me again with an expressionless face.
“Let’s not hurt each other. Let’s just live taking comfort in each other, isn’t that enough?”
“…”
Somehow, Woosang’s words reminded me of the past.
The life where I just did as I was told.
The days when I moved and worked according to what was decided, without my own will. Like when I lived with Hund.
Is that really how he wanted to live? Did he want to live only as he wished?
A strong sense of loneliness crept up my legs. I had always felt happy with Woosang, but his words suddenly made me feel like I was hanging from a cliff.
I am a living human being. Not a dog. Yet the person I want to be with doesn’t want me to live by my own will.
“I told only you about the life I wanted. But now you’re telling me…”
I couldn’t continue; I was suffocating.
“Are you telling me to shut up and live as you want?”
I had decided to live for Woosang, even if it would end someday. But if the life he wanted was my past self, could I continue living for Woosang like this?
Would that be okay? My mind was a mess, and I couldn’t think straight. What I wanted was to be alive, to be by his side.
I cannot live with someone who denies my existence. I didn’t want to live such a humiliating life anymore. Everything felt frightening.
As I hesitated, I bumped into someone behind me. Startled, I turned around to see the passerby looking at me strangely.
Without even thinking to apologize, I stood awkwardly and looked around.
It felt like everyone was staring at me. A man in front of me said something and reached out his hand.
Unlike Woosang’s, his hand looked rough, and I felt I shouldn’t take it. I realized that Woosang, who had been beside me until just moments ago, was nowhere to be seen.
It was an unfamiliar street. Snow-covered mountains and unreadable signs. The faces of people glancing at me strangely were too unfamiliar.
I needed him. But the ‘Teo’ that Woosang needed wasn’t who I wanted to be.
Was it right to go back to Woosang, then?
‘What would I do if I went back?’
How do other people act in situations like this? I didn’t even know what I wanted.
My legs ran forward on their own, wanting to escape the unfamiliar gazes. People’s stares terrified me. I hated being judged by someone. I needed someone who knew me as a person.
I needed him.
I didn’t want to need Woosang, but in the end, Woosang was all I had to rely on.
I was too unstable. No matter how much I tried to steel myself, when faced with reality, I always returned to square one. Here I was again. Still treading water.
Suddenly, I thought:
‘Eventually, Woosang will abandon me.’
There was no way he would hold onto someone as unstable as me. Seeing Woosang’s pale face earlier, I became certain of this.
Should I live as Woosang wants? Maybe then I could escape this anxious feeling. But living my own life seemed impossible.
Just then, someone’s shadow fell beside me. Even as I tried to ignore it and look away, the presence kept drawing closer.
My vision cleared, and I could properly see Woosang.
“I thought… I thought you’d disappeared again.”
Woosang whispered quietly. His anxious expression and slightly trembling voice spread through the narrow alley.
“Maybe you shouldn’t have looked for me.”
“…”
Even as I thought I should leave him, my body tingled at Woosang’s presence as he searched for me.
“When we’re together, we just keep missing each other.”
“I know. Haha…”
He crouched down next to where I was sitting. Surprised by his action, I inadvertently met his eyes, and there I saw the same anxious eyes I had seen in Brussels.
“If you’re leaving because you dislike me, tell me in advance. Then, I’ll consider it too. But if you’re leaving not because of me but because of something else…, I won’t allow it.”
“That’s not…”
“Just tell me you won’t.”
Seeing Woosang swallow hard, I couldn’t easily refuse. There were no words I could say.
“We haven’t even begun anything, yet you’re already thinking of leaving?”
‘Ah… Was I thinking of leaving?’
In truth, I was. Even while thinking I should stay for him, I feared being abandoned so much that I wished Woosang would abandon me first.
It was an undeniable truth.
“I don’t know.”
“Then at least try to find out!”
He grabbed my hand that was lying on the ground and shouted. Not wanting to hear that voice, I covered my head with my other hand and lowered my gaze.
“…I’m sorry for getting angry. But, I’m not the perfect person you think I am. You should know that by now.”
“I’m sorry. For always assuming things on my own.”
“It’s okay,” he muttered with resignation. Those brief words couldn’t reassure me, but I just hoped Woosang’s anger had subsided somewhat.
“I won’t be the one to leave first. So please, stop being anxious.”
I raised my head to face Woosang. He had calmed down as if he’d never been upset, and I could tell there was sincerity in his voice.
I nodded slightly, trying to gather myself. Was I being too selfish? Perhaps expecting my thoughts to change in such a short time was a fantasy.
He said he would wait for me. Woosang would keep his promise. He always had.
‘After all, I was always the one who betrayed him.’
I looked at him silently. I expected the long silence to be uncomfortable, but his composed expression seemed to calm my emotions quickly too.
Woosang carefully brushed my hair. That was something I often did to him.
Realizing this, I felt my face grow hot. I hated myself so much.
Did Woosang live with such thoughts too? Did he hate himself but endure because of the other person? I did. Life was frightening and scary, but right now, I wanted to be by his side.
Thinking about it, I had never talked to him about these things.
There was so much I needed to say. But it took too much courage to speak words that were stuck in my throat.
“I’m sorry. Every time, like this…”
“What can we do. We’re just pitiful like this.”
“…”
Woosang smiled as usual and let go of my hand. My hand, now away from his warmth, felt empty and wanted to grasp something.
“At times like this, they say you shouldn’t apologize, but say you like the person.”
“Who says that?”
“I wonder. I heard it somewhere, but I can’t remember.”
I watched Woosang get up with an ambiguous smile.
“Then…”
“I love you.”
Woosang whispered to me with an expression like he might cry. I blinked several times as I picked up those words. My insides hurt and tingled, but I nodded blankly at his words. It felt like only the two of us were whispering love in this unfamiliar city.
The pain didn’t disappear. For me, pain included even such warm words.
