# Chapter 39
“You stop too.”
Woosang gestured for me to stop with a deeply furrowed expression. That gesture made me want to grab him and pull him out, shouting even louder. Even knowing I shouldn’t, the anger wouldn’t let me go.
Since I’d never been angry with him like this before, I had to admit that I was definitely emotional right now. But how many people could remain unemotional in this kind of situation? I had always tried to be the most intellectual and profound person in front of the always composed Woosang.
But I was gradually learning that this wasn’t always beneficial.
I met his eyes and revealed my emotions. Conversely, Woosang seemed thoroughly angry, as if he couldn’t understand my behavior.
“Haa…”
I exhaled a heavy breath. My body, which had just warmed up, was already cooling down. Being only emotional wouldn’t do. But it’s also impossible to live purely on reason.
Recently, Woosang had been showing more petulance and dependence than before, so I thought he wanted perfect communication with me. But now he had drawn an invisible line.
What kind of person was the ‘Teo’ that Woosang wanted? Did he want to turn away from my negative emotions?
It shouldn’t be like that. We weren’t imaginary characters existing on a flat surface. So at times we could be more emotional than anyone, and at other times more restrained than anyone.
But I knew it was useless to say this to Woosang now. I suppressed my emotions and slowly spoke.
“After what happened, should I just stay like this?”
“If you were afraid of such things, you shouldn’t have left in the first place.”
“Why are you saying that now?”
[Excuse me, you two. If there’s no further problem, may I go inside?]
“…!”
The employee who had been caught in our argument spoke hesitantly with an uncomfortable expression. Both Woosang and I seemed to come to our senses at the employee’s attitude. I couldn’t understand what we were doing out here.
I could feel everyone present holding their breath. My head rapidly cooled down.
[Yes. Thank you for your concern. I don’t need to report anything. Have a good night.]
Woosang gave the employee a polite smile before gently dismissing him. The employee smiled as if relieved and hurried back into the shop.
After watching him, we stood there for a while. There was no way to break the silence. I couldn’t be more pathetic. Who would have thought that our first proper trip would falter from the very first day?
But it was bound to happen eventually. It just happened to be now.
We had always been like this. From the beginning, we met without even thinking about the fact that we could cause each other pain. That seems to have been our biggest problem.
“……”
“……”
I watched Woosang as he rubbed his face dry and scratched his bitten neck. Out of pity, I gently stroked his nape. That gloomy, dirty wound seemed to tear me apart. Woosang silently accepted the touch while desperately turning his head to avoid eye contact.
“Let’s go back quickly. When we get back…”
“Woosang, you go back first.”
“…What?”
“I’ll think a bit and come back later. I know the way.”
Woosang’s expression twisted as if shocked by my words. But if I went back with Woosang like this, I felt like I’d raise my voice again instead of having a proper conversation. I couldn’t shatter the smoothly flowing time like this. Of course, not everything can flow smoothly, but it shouldn’t be today.
In the strange silence, I tried to look at his face closely, but Woosang walked toward the train station without a proper answer. His unsteady gait was exactly like our condition.
If we don’t talk, the anxiety won’t disappear. Right now, Woosang chose to turn away from that anxiety, and I didn’t want to turn away. If we keep turning away, we’ll easily face a sorrowful parting.
I too wanted to ignore this situation more than anyone. But I decided not to.
Had this happened to him before? Is that why he could be so calm? But Woosang was always detached from every situation. I couldn’t tell if he was used to such incidents or if he had given up.
If he doesn’t speak, I can’t know anything. I still knew nothing about Woosang.
We kept going around in circles. I hated that terribly.
I couldn’t help but hate it.
***
After walking for a long time, I realized I had arrived at a completely unfamiliar station. The strange streets and unfamiliar signs made me realize how much I had wandered. I needed to go back, but I had no idea where I was.
I couldn’t even tell how much time had passed, so I tried to check by turning on my phone, but perhaps because of the cold weather, the phone wouldn’t power on.
“Damn it.”
I clutched my numb head and looked around to see if there was anyone I could ask for directions, but the streets were busy with people just passing by quickly. No familiar buildings were visible, and the people somehow seemed like they were from another world. The city was dizzying. Wandering like this in an unknown place just made me feel foolish.
I shouldn’t be here. I needed to return to Woosang. I wrapped my head and sorted out my thoughts.
I opened the door to a small, relatively quiet-looking bar and looked around.
There wasn’t a single customer in the bar. It seemed like people were bustling everywhere else, but this place was impossibly quiet. It probably wasn’t a street that tourists frequented. Just then, thinking a customer had arrived, an employee came out from the kitchen with slightly hurried steps.
[Hello. If it’s okay, could I charge my phone for a moment? I’ll order food if necessary.]
I spoke to the man in cautious English.
[Are you a tourist? Let me see your phone. You don’t need to order food.]
[Thank you. Um, then may I just have a beer? It doesn’t seem right not to buy anything.]
At my words, the employee said okay, connected my phone to the charger, and poured me a beer. The employee seemed glad I had come in as he was bored. Checking the time, it was certainly an awkward time to be drinking.
I moistened my throat slightly with the beer placed in front of me. I might get drunk if I finished it, but today seemed like a day I needed to drink. I wondered if I’d be okay since it had been a while, but the beer flowed down my throat better than expected.
[Where are you from?]
The employee asked me while wiping a glass with water droplets on it. After a brief pause at the question, I blurted out without thinking.
[Canada. …I’m from Canada.]
[I see. Just here for a short trip?]
[Yes. I don’t know when I’ll go back.]
The employee just agreed with me.
After leaving Canada, was it because this was the first time I had come to a place similar to it that emotions welled up? Without realizing it, I was talking about my real homeland. And if the man asked, I felt like I could answer anything.
I stroked the transparent beer glass with my fingertips, feeling the cold temperature.
I had become someone who no longer marveled at every sensation. Conversely, it was only now that I became aware of such trivial sensations.
I had nothing to say to my naive self. I had no idea how I should have acted in a situation like earlier.
Was Woosang’s attitude correct? Would it have been similar with someone other than Woosang? I knew nothing.
It was clear that Woosang was an overwhelming presence for someone as naive as me. It was never going to be easy. Even when reading a single book, I had never fully understood it.
How could I understand him in one go? I wanted to compromise like this.
Thinking about the earlier situation, I was furiously angry but also felt sorry. It wasn’t simply a feeling toward Woosang, who only tried to remain silent. It was also a feeling toward myself.
[Do you have something on your mind? You look serious.]
[It’s been a while since I’ve traveled, so I’m lost in thought.]
[Did you come alone?]
[No. I came with someone, but there’s a bit of a problem….]
The man grinned and met my gaze. I couldn’t understand why he had such an expression.
[You fought with your lover. Tell me about it. I like hearing about such things.]
‘Why would he like that?’
Having never discussed such topics with others, I hesitated for a moment. To begin with, there wasn’t a single person in a romantic relationship around me. I just didn’t have anyone besides Woosang. Perhaps this was an opportunity too. An opportunity to hear from someone else.
[My lover, that person doesn’t want to say negative things to me. Just now, we had a bit of a problem because of that, haha….]
[Ah.]
Yes…. I cut off my words without confidence. The employee examined me with an intrigued expression.
[People usually don’t want to say unpleasant things to others.]
[Is that so? I guess that’s true.]
Thinking about it, it was true. Bel, Woosang, and even those who had briefly passed by didn’t reveal negative emotions to others. It was a difficult concept for me, who had only seen Hund’s malicious emotions.
[…Right. But even when I was openly assaulted right in front of him, he doesn’t say anything to me.]
[What?]
He looked surprised and swallowed his words. After a moment of silence, as if at a loss for what to say, he murmured softly.
[At times like that, it takes time.]
I smiled slightly at his words. It meant I didn’t have to force the conversation. Still, the employee tried to continue our dialogue. He seemed like a decent person.
[It’s hard to meet people.]
[In times like that, it’s okay to let go.]
His sharp words made me laugh. That’s right. Maybe letting go of a relationship that only torments each other could be one of the options.
When I first came to Brussels, I had struggled wanting to let go of our relationship. But I failed. So it wasn’t something I could do now.
‘Someday. If only I could let go someday….’
My heart twitched slightly. Thinking about Woosang in this way hurt me a lot.
‘Then what pain did Woosang go through?’
It was clear he came looking for me because he had gone through some kind of pain.
We must have been immersed in pain in ways that neither of us understood. I wished he would open up to me. But I didn’t want to talk either.
“Should I end it like this after all…”
I didn’t want to live in anxiety and nervousness every day. Nevertheless, the sweetness I had experienced held me back.
It was a swamp I couldn’t escape from.
