# Chapter 34
It was strange that I was still inside him even after quite a long time had passed. My eyes began to tremble slightly again, but I didn’t want to be buried in emotions right now.
I deliberately ignored it and called the bakery.
“Hello.”
“Yes, hello.”
A familiar voice came through.
“It’s Teo, sir. I’d like to place a delivery order.”
“Hm? Sure. When and how much do you need?”
“Is it possible to get delivery to my home right now?”
The owner hesitated for a moment, then asked me back with confusion.
“Didn’t you just come here and buy bread earlier? Well, that’s not important. Usually we don’t take same-day delivery orders, but since your place is right in front, I’ll come myself.”
“Thank you…”
“Don’t mention it. I’ll be right there.”
After requesting bread and some other items from the willingly accommodating owner, I looked for my wallet.
It was truly grateful to have someone who understood me at times like this. Could I have even imagined this in the past? I never thought I’d meet others and naturally develop relationships where favors were granted.
I was absently staring at Woosang for a while, brushing his hair aside when the doorbell rang sharply.
Worried that it might wake Woosang, I hurriedly grabbed my wallet and opened the door. The owner, with both hands full of deliveries, seemed startled upon seeing me and rushed over urgently.
“You, why do you look like that?”
“Pardon?”
“Your neck… Did someone hit you?”
“Ah.”
Thinking about it, Woosang had been choking me, so marks might have been left. I’d stupidly forgotten about it and just stayed as I was, so from the owner’s perspective, it was natural to be alarmed. As I hesitated, not knowing what to say, the owner began to peer inside our home and her expression started to harden.
“Should I call the police?”
“No, no! It’s just… I had a fight with my lover.”
“You’re seeing someone?”
“…Yes.”
She seemed more shocked by the fact that I was dating someone than by the situation in the house. Her puzzled reaction made me feel self-conscious.
“Will they be back soon?”
“Yes. Probably…”
“You should come by and tell me what happened, okay?”
“Um, I will.”
Even though meeting others had become more comfortable than before, it still wasn’t familiar, so I gave a vague answer.
I went to the kitchen to unpack the items, and for some reason, there were things I hadn’t ordered. I thought they might have been included by mistake, but there was a note in the corner saying she was thankful for my regular patronage and asking me to accept the extras.
That message made me feel good, so I attached the note to the refrigerator with a magnet. Just then, a familiar person entered the kitchen.
It was Woosang.
“You’re, you’re already awake? It’s only been a few hours.”
“The doorbell woke me up.”
“Is that so? I’m sorry. Would you like some water? The cup…”
I hurriedly poured water into a cup and handed it to him. Woosang stared blankly at it for a while before taking it. I also stared blankly at him and noticed how thin his neck looked.
Woosang must have noticed my gaze, as he stroked his neck a few times and placed the cup on the table.
“I received some food by delivery. I didn’t have anything stocked… Would you like to eat something first? You must be hungry?”
“……”
I forcibly pulled Woosang, who was standing dumbly without sitting down, and made him sit in a chair. Then I placed a plate and utensils in front of him and put one of my favorite breads on his plate.
“Try this. It’s from a place I frequent.”
“……”
I gazed at the still silent Woosang. Worried that his throat might still hurt, I poured him some juice.
But he remained motionless, only staring at me.
“…You seem very comfortable.”
“Pardon?”
“Seems like you’ve been living happily while I was gone.”
“……”
“So it wasn’t a lie when you said you didn’t need me.”
Woosang stared blankly at the bread placed in front of him. He still seemed on edge and anxious.
I know. This situation is all my doing. So now I shouldn’t just stare at him. I reached out and slowly stroked the nape of his neck.
“Didn’t you hear earlier? I said I had a fight with my lover…. I like you, Woosang.”
I whispered to him in a slightly trembling voice. It was a pathetic thing to say, but it was the most courage I could muster.
I was such an awkward person. I was someone who couldn’t do anything without him, someone who couldn’t even properly recognize sadness.
But now I knew that I had to change too. I didn’t know what I should do yet, but I wanted to try.
“When you say it while trembling like that, it’s not very convincing.”
“…That’s true. Still, let’s eat first.”
I moved away from him, pulled the plate closer for him, then returned to my seat and began eating. Woosang, who hadn’t touched his food, stared at me intently before seemingly giving up and starting to eat.
The mealtime, which we finished while deliberately ignoring the uncomfortable silence, wasn’t as bad as I’d expected. Woosang seemed full of dissatisfaction, but I thought that physical recovery should come first.
After clearing the plates and finishing the cleanup, it was already afternoon.
I went to the bathroom to check the area around my neck that the owner had pointed out, and indeed, there was a bluish bruise that looked painful.
The pain wasn’t severe, but I thought that if I didn’t apply some medicine, my neck would suffer tomorrow and the day after.
“Woosang.”
“……”
“Could you apply some medicine for me?”
Woosang didn’t respond for a while, but at the request to apply medicine, he trudged out and stood in front of me. I led him to the sofa and plopped down between his legs.
“Please apply this to my neck.”
“Give it to me.”
I felt him take the medicine from my hand and open the lid. I was hunched over, anticipating the cold sensation of the medicine on my neck, when Woosang leaned in and suddenly bit one of my ears.
“Ow!”
I shouted in surprise, and meanwhile, Woosang began slathering the medicine on my neck.
“Why did you bite me?”
“Just because.”
Woosang’s gentle application of the medicine, as if he’d never bitten my ear, was annoying. I was tempted to bite one of his fingers as they came down my neck, but I stopped myself.
I had noticed a thin scar on his middle finger. That scar, which had clearly healed now, seemed to tell the story of our past.
After massaging and examining my neck for a while, Woosang seemed to notice that I was subdued after checking his finger. He gently stroked my cheek with his clean hand.
“It’s okay.”
A tired voice reached my ears. I blinked blankly at that voice.
As I sat there without answering, Woosang got up from his seat and headed to the bathroom. He seemed to want to wash his hands.
I stared at the medicine container left alone after Woosang had gone, waiting for him to return.
Then suddenly, I realized I didn’t want to wait like this anymore. Not just in this situation. I wanted to stop staying in one place at someone else’s will, waiting like a dog.
I got up and headed to the bathroom. I could still hear the sound of water, but I opened the door regardless.
Woosang, who was washing his hands, looked at me through the mirror.
“What is it?”
“Just… I didn’t want to wait.”
At my nonsensical words, he laughed slightly and turned off the faucet. Though it was a brief moment, I disliked his eyes not meeting mine.
I reached out and carefully cupped his cheek from behind. Our gazes met again through the mirror. I immediately felt Woosang stiffen.
Somehow, I couldn’t stay still at that small gesture.
I moved my hand to caress his jaw and soon brushed his lower lip once. It was so soft, impossible to imagine it had been baring its teeth at me until just moments ago.
After a brief silence, Woosang leaned into me and whispered.
“Will you stay here forever?”
“…No.”
The breath touching my fingers was so hot I wanted to swallow it whole. The air between us grew rapidly hotter, tormenting us both. Judging by the expression reflected in the mirror, he seemed to feel the same way.
Woosang turned his head, and we kissed naturally, recalling the heat we had forgotten.
As our body temperatures met, I remembered a fact I’d been forgetting.
‘Right, I was someone who wanted warmth like this…’
How could I have ever declared I could live without this temperature and these emotions? I wanted to throw away the memories of the past and focus on him now. I had no choice.
***
I rubbed my sleepy eyes and looked out the window.
Winter rain was sprinkling down, and clouds covered the sky. I turned slightly to the side and looked at Woosang, who was sleeping with his back to me. He wasn’t wearing anything and the blanket had slipped halfway down, revealing his goosebump-covered back. Thinking he must be cold, I pulled the blanket up to just below his head and then embraced him with my warm arms.
Woosang’s body shrank slightly in surprise at the sudden warmth, but soon he relaxed into the familiar temperature and fell back asleep with shallow breaths.
Whether it was because there hadn’t been any proper sunshine recently, or because we were craving the affection that had piled up, we were almost constantly stuck together in bed. When I suggested that we should go out even if it was raining, Woosang shook his head, saying he didn’t want to go out on rainy days.
When we first met, Paris had only perfectly clear days without a single cloud, so I couldn’t tell if Woosang’s words were sincere or not.
Still, the sharp atmosphere was gradually improving.
But as things improved, Woosang seemed to want to avoid deep conversations.
Whenever I tried to bring up something serious, he would suddenly leave or clam up, making things awkward for me.
It was clear he was afraid of what might come out of my mouth. We both still needed time.
‘In a few weeks, the weather will improve again, so we can go out then.’
Then we could go outside like before, and we’d have more time to talk.
‘Don’t be too impatient.’
I muttered to myself as if casting a spell and pulled Woosang closer again. Woosang seemed to find my arm a bit suffocating and made a groaning sound while squirming slightly.
“Are you awake?”
“…I want to sleep more.”
Feeling myself getting a bit warmer at his expression and voice, I decided to get up.
After washing up quickly, I opened the refrigerator to find it completely empty due to the continuous rain making it difficult to go out.
It seemed we really needed to go out today. I thought it would be nice to buy groceries and maybe some books for Woosang and me to read.
For that, I needed to wake Woosang, but he was completely still, having pulled the blanket over his head due to the now-missing warmth.
“Wake up. It’s already late afternoon.”
I nudged Woosang’s shoulder lightly over the blanket, but his hand shot out from under the covers, waving around in the air as if telling me to stop. Ignoring this, I shook him harder.
“I didn’t know Woosang was this lazy.”
“……”
He mumbled something incomprehensible. He was definitely cursing at me.
He lowered the blanket slightly and glared at me. I paused at his fierce gaze, then grabbed Woosang’s arm, pulled him up, and handed him some clothes. He just stared at them blankly.
“Come on, wash up quickly and come out. We really need to go outside today. There’s nothing left in the house.”
“Let’s just order delivery.”
“Lazybones.”
“…We went to bed late yesterday, and it’s only been a few hours.”
Even as he said this, Woosang grabbed his clothes with a sullen expression and went into the bathroom.
I stared blankly at the door he had entered. It still felt awkward being with him, but I could feel things changing little by little.
‘What will become of us in the future?’
How long would he stay by my side, and how long could I stay by his?
The world changed too quickly. If you’re alive, you’ll always acquiesce to change. So, if there were to be any changes, I wanted to prepare.
Preparation for some kind of farewell.
