# Chapter 31
When I opened the door, an envelope dropped through the doorway and touched my feet. Looking at it curiously, I saw this house’s address written on it.
Wondering if it might be for Hund, I opened it. Surprisingly, it was a rent payment reminder.
I examined the details with startled eyes.
“If I don’t deposit the money by this week, there will be credit issues…?”
Moreover, the last line said they would send the next letter through a lawyer.
Normally Hund paid the rent, and he hadn’t mentioned anything about these utility bills. Why was the rent unpaid in the first place? Not understanding, I floundered and dropped the letter on the floor.
“……”
Seeing the payment notice suddenly made me feel like a completely independent being. I couldn’t distinguish whether this was a good thing or not.
How am I supposed to deposit money in the first place? I didn’t have a bank account in Belgium.
The resolve I had built so firmly was crumbling from a single payment notice.
This might be reality.
This was me, not even knowing how to make a deposit without someone around. I had to laugh. What did I think would go so well?
Still, if I take it step by step like this, I might be able to live a life completely my own. I wasn’t certain, but I wanted to.
I went back inside, put the letter on the table, and went out again.
Then I stopped by the bank and deposited the rent at the counter.
The rent was more expensive than what I used to pay in Paris. From what I heard, Woosang had said that my house located in Paris’ 7th district was more expensive than others.
To think this house was more expensive than that. With the money disappearing so quickly, I felt a crisis I’d never felt before. Any dizzy thoughts I had disappeared at that moment.
Afterward, I stopped by the market and bought some food. The weight in my hand gave me a strange feeling.
‘Do people know this feeling?’
I suddenly wondered. I took in the sight of people carefully walking, avoiding the slippery roads made by melted snow.
The passing people seemed quite tense, but also relaxed in a way.
I closed my eyes and smelled the scent of the wind brushing past on the road. The air, which I thought would only be cold, seemed somewhat warm.
Until recently, I had wanted to die, but today everything felt new again. Those things didn’t seem bad.
The world I was learning on my own was different and unfamiliar. But learning without others’ help was probably a necessary element.
I arrived home, put down the things I bought, and looked around.
“Was this house always like this…?”
Unexpectedly faced with an unfamiliar scene, I blinked my eyes and examined the interior carefully.
Though I had definitely lived in this space for months, objects I’d never seen before popped up here and there.
I touched them and rearranged them, decorating the space I lived in myself.
Come to think of it, the sun had already set, and I was getting hungry again.
I spread some jam on the bread I bought and put it in my mouth. At this point, even this much was satisfying. I felt secure knowing there were things I could do alone.
I need to think about what to do next. I need to find a self that won’t collapse even if I’m abandoned.
***
The days were gradually getting longer. In fact, I only learned last year, after living for decades, that the sun sets at 3 PM in winter.
And the fact that the days get longer during this time was also something I learned for the first time.
Sometimes when I learned new facts, I thought of Woosang. He told me that in summer, the days are incredibly long, while in Korea, the sun always sets at similar times.
‘Sometimes when I face unfamiliar facts like this, I realize I’m a foreigner.’
‘…Why is that?’
Woosang at that time had a somewhat bitter expression.
‘I’ll tell you later.’
What was he trying to say then? Whenever I thought of him, somewhere inside me always felt heavily painful, and I missed him. But I didn’t feel the need to go find him.
Perhaps I’ll never know what he meant to say then.
Had he resumed dancing like before? A longing slowly rose, but I decided to ignore that emotion.
Every night, I forcefully drove away thoughts related to him by recalling books I enjoyed reading. It’s only now that I can think about him properly because Hund has taken his eyes off me.
Then the conclusion is that if the time comes for the leash to be put back on, I would naturally part with Woosang.
So it was right for us to end it here.
The main reason was that I couldn’t give him trust, and the decisive factor was that our lives were too different.
But I thought that even in painful moments that might come someday, the emotion between us would remain as a thin, precarious thread.
I didn’t want to be engulfed by depressing thoughts. Looking at the clock, it was 6:30 AM. By this time, the bakery in front of my house would have already opened.
After staring at the empty basket, I quickly went to the bakery and returned home. Shivering in the indoor chill that was colder than outside, I brought the book I had placed on the table and read it while eating at the dining table.
That’s when the intercom rang.
Ding-dong-
I checked the clock. It was still 7 AM. Lately, I’d been exchanging greetings with neighbors, and occasionally female neighbors would ask for help carrying things. Wondering if it might be something like that, I picked up the intercom and said:
“Who is it?”
“……”
Or maybe they had already left because I checked too late.
I asked who it was a few more times, but there was no answer. As I was about to put down the receiver with a frown, a sudden crashing sound came through from the other side.
Bang bang bang!
Startled by the sound, as if someone was heavily hammering down on the doorknob, I froze in place and couldn’t move.
Out of anxiety, I thought about going down to check, but since the sound was loud enough for other neighbors to check as well, I put down the receiver and sat back at the table.
Ding-dong, ding-dong-
Just then, the bell rang again.
“……”
Blinking my startled eyes several times, I quietly took off my slippers and pulled out the gun that I had hidden under the dining table.
Then I hid it behind my pants and cautiously approached the door.
The anxiety that had been troubling me until recently seemed to be approaching again. I swallowed once through my dry throat and moved.
The old house didn’t even have a lens to see outside. Hiding my presence as much as possible, I stayed far from the door and opened my mouth.
“Who is it?”
“……”
There was still no answer.
I asked one last time.
“Who is it?”
“…It’s me.”
It was a familiar voice. The slightly stiff French pronunciation. The always calm voice. I remembered how his voice would slightly stiffen when he called my name.
I thought it might be another delusion I created, but it didn’t seem so.
The me who would no longer be swayed by delusions knew it too well.
Sweat streamed down my hand. My heart pounded as if it would burst, and the tension didn’t go away.
What would happen if I faced him? Should I coldly answer that I no longer want to meet him?
I have to push him away. But I wasn’t certain if that was possible.
On the other hand, I was curious about why he came looking for me. I thought everything had ended the moment I left him.
Maybe I’m somewhat important to him now, but surely with time, being forgotten in Woosang’s memory would be just a moment.
I know it.
But now I wanted to see him. I thought it didn’t matter, but apparently not.
I still wanted to know the stories I didn’t know, and I wanted to learn more.
After pondering like that, I grabbed and turned the doorknob without any resistance, as if it were natural.
“…It’s been a while, Woosang.”
I composed my trembling voice and said.
“Yes, it’s been a while. May I come in?”
“Of course.”
His usual calm tone made me feel suddenly calm as well.
I carefully turned my gaze to examine him. Woosang, whom I was seeing after a long time, had lost weight compared to before, and under his eyes was slightly dark. Feeling my gaze, Woosang smiled slightly at me.
It was the smile I used to like. Those memories poured out all at once. Somehow, tears were about to burst out, but I bit the inside of my mouth hard and painfully held them back.
Seeing Woosang looking very tired, I had a certain feeling. I wondered if he too had gone through difficult times like me, but out of concern, I couldn’t say anything.
Then I noticed something out of place in my lowered gaze.
It was a steel hammer.
Puzzled by the incongruous object in his hand, I raised my head again and met his eyes. Woosang was smiling widely as if nothing was wrong.
The steel hammer and the back of his hand with slight blood stains. Fingers that looked rough.
Then, recalling the small crashing sound I heard before putting down the intercom receiver, I could only blink my eyes blankly.
“I’m a bit tired, can I sit on the sofa?”
“…Sure. Would you like a cup of tea?”
“Yes. I’d prefer tea with caffeine.”
“Alright.”
At Woosang’s order, I filled the coffee pot with water and took out a black tea bag from the cupboard and put it in a cup.
Even with that simple task, my entire body was trembling as if in a seizure.
I turned my gaze to look at Woosang, who was sitting with a tired expression. I still couldn’t believe he was in this space.
‘What if this whole situation is created by someone…’
If he was someone who appeared to push me into a pit, could I accept that?
No way. When I looked him up, Woosang was truly an ordinary dancer.
And the person I met and loved didn’t show me a false appearance. The feelings he had for me couldn’t all be lies. The time we spent together wasn’t a lie.
But if Woosang wanted to kill me, I could gladly die. Anyway, I still didn’t have a proper reason to live, and I didn’t want to force myself to live.
A life lived as predetermined. That was just like my ending.
I heard a small movement behind me. My tense body felt like it would collapse.
I moved busily on purpose, trying not to be conscious of the sound. I took out jam and butter from the refrigerator which didn’t have much in it, and poured water into the teacup.
Then I stopped moving, feeling warmth behind my back, waiting for the warmth he would share.
With Woosang’s arms and chest naturally embracing my back, I could again feel my heart beating rapidly. He casually kissed my back softly.
“…Teo. Your heart is beating fast.”
“……”
I had no words to answer.
“Ah, would it be better to call you Ichen?”
“…How did you, know that name?”
I asked him with trembling lips.
The childhood fear I had forgotten seemed to step forward and speak to me.
