# Chapter 25
Breaking is an easy thing.
It was something Hund used to say often when working on people.
I didn’t understand those words. What kind of life do people live that makes them crumble so easily? These were things I couldn’t empathize with. But now I could understand those words.
People who have tasted defeat break easily. We always live in fear. Yes. That’s how it was.
After being dragged from Berlin to Brussels, I was thoroughly beaten by my former colleague and his associates. Something in my body must have cracked. But I felt that the pain coming from somewhere else was greater than the physical pain.
I, who originally didn’t even have a heart to break, had only just created a proper sense of self after meeting Woosang. But now that it was so easily trampled, perhaps it was natural to feel pain.
I never thought that the days of being together with him would continue forever.
But no one can perfectly respond to a situation even with preparation. I was one of those people.
It’s not your fault.
That’s what Woosang would say.
I remembered the day I abandoned him and left Berlin.
I had promised a future with Woosang and held his hand. I had promised to return to this unfamiliar city.
If we had successfully completed our move, he would have taught me German, and Woosang would have danced there.
I might have written words of praise for him. Such words for my muse.
But now I am not there.
I’m trapped among people who treat me like a disobedient dog. Ah, ‘trapped’ is not the right word. I came of my own will. I thought about struggling, but quickly gave up.
I didn’t have confidence to escape with Woosang alone. Even when just one former colleague came looking for me, Woosang got hurt, didn’t he? I never wanted to see Woosang get hurt again.
I don’t care what happens to my fingers. But not Woosang’s body.
That belongs entirely to Woosang.
Fortunately, my former colleague gave me an opportunity, and I seized it.
‘If you stay cooped up in this house and don’t meet anyone, I’ll give you freedom like before.’
Freedom. I agreed. The freedom my former colleague spoke of would clearly be neglect.
Not bad. I no longer wanted attention from anyone. I felt that being neglected would be my greatest salvation. I needed such a small salvation.
‘…Then you won’t touch that person?’
I asked.
‘Yes. I’m generous, so I’ll keep my promise. I can show that much goodwill between us.’
He hated me, but he pitied me. That’s why he wanted my misfortune, but he didn’t seem to want complete despair.
It’s a strange emotion.
It seemed like my former colleague was also broken somewhere before. But his deficiency wasn’t noticeable. I was secretly envious of that.
I agreed again. He had become my new master. My former colleague had become my new Hund. Then I had to follow his words. I am Hund’s dog, so I must obey his words.
What did the face of my previous master, ‘Hund,’ look like? I don’t remember. I don’t remember my parents’ faces either.
‘What about Woosang?’
He was definitely within me. But for some reason, I couldn’t remember the look in his eyes.
Woosang’s eyes were very pretty. I liked his eyes. More than the smile he made, I liked the way he looked at me. Whenever I turned my gaze to him, Woosang was always looking at me.
I staggered onto the sofa, and slowly grasped a small notebook and a pencil from the table next to it. My finger bones must have been dislocated, as I heard a creaking sound. I deliberately ignored it.
Scratch scratch-
To not forget about Woosang, I carefully wrote down descriptions of Woosang’s appearance in the notebook.
[Black hair. Perfect straight hair, he says he doesn’t like how it looks too calm. But I like that soft hair.
Black eyes. According to Woosang, there are no black eyes in the world. They’re brown when light shines on them. But to my eyes, they look black.
Pale skin. Whiter than mine. That makes him look young. He doesn’t like it himself.]
The descriptions of him that I wrote down were somehow strange. Woosang didn’t like much about himself. But I even liked those aspects of him.
‘Everything is good. Everything…’
But what I liked most wasn’t his appearance. What I liked most about Woosang was that he wanted me.
Someone wants me.
‘Why did he tell me about such emotions?’
I hate him. I hated Woosang. I should never have met him. If we hadn’t met, I would have remained…
But we did meet, and I wanted to meet. We have to meet. We have to meet again. But we can’t meet. So now I need to learn resignation. I learned emotions from Woosang, and I will learn resignation from Hund.
Tap.
I carefully closed the notebook and looked at my hand. All my fingers were attached. It was Hund’s whim.
I couldn’t understand at all why he wanted to keep and watch over someone he hated and was angry with.
I couldn’t understand Hund’s language. Does Hund live with me now? I don’t really care what form it takes, but I wanted to be alone as much as possible.
Right now, I needed time to myself. Rather than time alone, I needed time to accept the separation.
I slowly blinked.
My eyelids were too heavy. I hated that sensation and tried to force my eyes open, but it didn’t work. Resigned to the drooping feeling, I closed my eyes and fell asleep.
***
Rubbing my dim eyes, I slowly opened them. A familiar face was in front of me. It was Hund.
“…Are you back, Hund?”
Hund frowned at my words.
He didn’t seem to like my form of address. But I didn’t know his name. And I didn’t want to know it. Just as my former colleague is now my new master, an animal wouldn’t know its master’s name.
“Go to the hospital.”
“…Yes.”
Thwack!
He hit my head hard.
Then he grabbed my hair and carefully examined my face.
“……”
His touch was rough and uncomfortable. But it wasn’t extreme pain, so I just rubbed my head once and lifted my chin.
Hund looked at me strangely, then took out a wad of money from his wallet and put it on the table.
Come to think of it, I had left the card and money that the previous ‘Hund’ gave me in Berlin. I could reissue the card, and if I wanted, I could get my money back.
A few cash coins weren’t a meaningful amount to me. Anyway, I didn’t have much interest in money. With 1 euro, you can buy one avocado. 10 euros can buy one pre-made sandwich.
But I wasn’t sure how much was needed to go to the hospital. When I hesitated, Hund scribbled the hospital address and handed it to me, then left the house silently.
Slam!
“……”
The house suddenly became quiet.
Somehow, it feels cold. I said I needed time alone, but it didn’t seem like that either. Even I couldn’t tell. It was an unfamiliar sensation to me.
After looking around the seemingly spacious house once, I carefully got up, layered my clothes, and slipped out of the house.
The city I was visiting for the first time looked no different from Paris. There was nothing special, nothing interesting. Anyway, any street without Woosang was all the same to me.
After trudging along for a while, I got into a taxi and handed over the address paper I received from Hund. The taxi driver took me to the hospital without saying much.
I got tested at the hospital, had several casts applied, and then trudged out. My body was stiff. But it wasn’t fatal.
This was also a sensation I would soon get used to. There was no need to worry about it.
After that, I arrived home and spent days and days just sleeping.
Knowing that it was uncomfortable for me to move, Hund visited the house every day for a while, taking care of various things.
He knew I had already lost my will. It made sense. No matter how little we knew about each other, we had worked together for decades.
I had nothing particular to say about his contradictory behavior.
He must have felt the same, as he obligatorily took care of things, but that was it. It would be fine to hire someone to clean the house separately, but he didn’t do that and handled everything himself, which was strange.
In the meantime, my stomach growled.
Looking at the things Hund had bought, they were all things that didn’t need cooking. When shopping with Woosang in Paris, we always mainly bought cooking ingredients.
Even with such simple things, I was thinking about him. Cursing myself for being pathetic, I bit into a pre-made sandwich.
“……”
It didn’t taste good. I tried to escape the very sensation of ‘not tasting good.’ And I wrote that in my notebook.
Since returning from the hospital, I had been continuously writing things down in a notebook.
Sometimes it was a short diary, sometimes it was my memories. Recently, sitting blankly on the sofa all the time, it felt like all my memories were evaporating, so I felt like I had to write something down.
Hund occasionally checked it. Since it contained nothing special, he didn’t look at it very carefully, but he often looked at me with eyes of distrust. It was a useless suspicion.
Then, thankfully, Hund bought me a few books. He seemed to remember that I had liked books before.
I picked up a book and slowly read through it. The sentences didn’t easily enter my mind, but I somehow read through them.
They were such useless and incompetent days. When I opened my eyes, I saw a familiar figure in front of me.
It was Woosang.
At that unusual sight, I carefully got up and approached him. Seeing Woosang standing blankly in front of the window, looking at the scenery outside, my heart seemed to become somewhat peaceful.
I followed his gaze outside. As usual, rain was drizzling down.
The season, which had somehow turned into winter, rained every day. It occasionally snowed too, but the winter weather that mostly turned into rain seemed endless.
In summer, the sun was up all day, but now the sun began to set at 4 PM, and it was barely light outside at 8 AM. My already sunken mood sank even further in tune with the weather.
Still, the fact that Woosang was in this space was my greatest comfort.
From some time ago, Woosang’s shadow had started living in our house. He was silent. He merely existed in that space.
He exists, but he doesn’t exist.
He is real, but he wasn’t real.
Even when I spoke to him, he just stared blankly at me. When I tried to touch him, he subtly avoided me, and yet he smiled kindly at me.
While I didn’t believe in his presence in this space, my heart believed in him.
