# Chapter 24
Woosang fell asleep first in the hotel room. After putting Woosang to bed, I secretly slipped out of the hotel alone and lit a cigarette in a nearby alley. Putting the cigarette I had tried to quit to my lips, I felt somewhat reluctant. I had wanted to buy herbal cigarettes, but couldn’t because I wasn’t familiar with the local geography. But now, what was the point of all that anyway?
“Hoo……”
I was worried I might cough since it had been a while since I smoked, but surprisingly, it felt fine.
“……”
Standing there for a while lost in thought, fortunately, the anxiety I had been feeling seemed to subside somewhat. And along with it, all the words of love we had been whispering until just now seemed to wash away.
It was a sensation I should get used to. But could I get used to it? I knew it too. I would never be able to do that.
As Woosang’s face kept appearing in my mind, I ran my fingers through my hair in frustration.
‘When Woosang wakes up in the morning, what will he think….’
A bitter taste began to swirl in my mouth. My parched lips and the tip of my nose tingled. I repeatedly took deep breaths of the night air and exhaled, as if trying to erase all the tears and heat I had shed not long ago.
‘I’m fine. Completely fine….’
In truth, this was the outcome I had expected.
Although I had told Woosang that I would do what I wanted, clearly, the pre-established frameworks in the world cannot be changed.
I had simply been ignoring that fact until now.
The city lights spilled out between the alleys. Looking at the unnecessarily bright streets, I nurtured only negative emotions. It felt like having such emotions would be the only way I could survive from now on.
‘If I can’t look at happiness, wouldn’t it be convenient to create hatred somewhere?’
A small, hollow laugh escaped me.
Just then, I heard familiar footsteps.
Thump, thump.
I turned to look. As expected, a familiar person was standing there. As usual, we exchanged glances without words and moved somewhere.
‘Where and with what filth in my mouth will I live from now on?’
Thoughts without any expectations piled up.
I moved my feet while indifferently looking at the city I was leaving behind.
It was a time of separation.
***
When I opened my eyes, the sun was rising outside the window. The window’s shape was different from before.
‘Ah, that’s right. I came to Berlin with Teo for fun.’
I rubbed my eyes and slowly got up. Looking to the side with a mind not yet fully awake, Teo wasn’t there. Wondering if there might still be warmth left, I felt around, but it was already cold.
Thinking he might have gotten up early and gone out to buy breakfast, I opened my phone.
But for some reason, there were no messages. Wondering if Teo had left a note, I looked around the hotel room, but there was no trace of anything. Still, his bag and wallet were placed in the corner of the room.
Thinking it would be good to wait leisurely, I put water in the coffee pot and placed tea in a cup.
Usually, we didn’t go out much and mostly stayed at home. So, staying at a hotel and relaxing like this was really rare.
I hadn’t told Teo, but just being in Berlin with him made me happy.
I thought I might share these thoughts when Teo returned. Teo was weak to emotional talks, so whenever I shared my inner feelings, he would always look at me with a peculiar gaze.
After carefully drinking a cup of tea, I felt more awake. The time was 6:30 AM. I was worried he might have gotten lost, but since Teo spoke English well, I thought there shouldn’t be any problems.
‘Still, it would have been nice if he had left a note.’
I had more to talk about when he returned.
I opened my phone and needlessly checked the photo gallery of pictures I had taken so far. While Teo didn’t oppose me taking photos, he would often stiffen his expression. So, most of the photos in my gallery were taken secretly.
Normally, I didn’t particularly like taking photos. Nevertheless, taking Teo’s photos was my selfish behavior.
Whenever I looked at Teo, I always had the thought of wanting to confine him somewhere and keep him by my side forever. But I knew well that it was ethically wrong.
So instead, I wanted to confine him in this small phone screen at least. I reached out and carefully stroked the screen.
Checking the clock, it was almost time to go to Bel’s place. I thought Teo would surely return before that time since he knew it too.
And so, time slowly passed.
10 minutes, 30 minutes, 1 hour.
I kept turning my gaze towards the door, and getting annoyed with that behavior, I turned my chair completely to face the door.
Occasionally, the sound of people’s footsteps echoed near the door, but none of them were Teo’s.
Teo might not know it, but he had his own way of walking. So, I wouldn’t confuse him with others.
Time continued to pass. Looking at the clock, it was already 9 o’clock. I blinked.
A sense of urgency started to build gradually.
‘No way.’
I kept imagining something impossible in my mind.
‘That can’t be…’
Anxiety kept rising. A peculiar ticklish feeling was felt within my heart.
We had just established a proper form of affection and promised to live for each other. But after whispering such sweet words to me until yesterday, he couldn’t have left.
I knew Teo well.
He always had a strange sense of guilt towards me. He was careful and wary of his inexperience affecting me, and willingly looked up to me.
Despite not being the perfect person he thought I was, I tried to become the type of person he wanted.
Sometimes I tried so hard to adjust to Teo that I felt like a fool, but I had no complaints about it.
‘But to leave me like this.’
No, I still couldn’t be completely certain.
I didn’t want to hurt him by making arbitrary assumptions. I still remembered hurting him after returning from Spain. I had caused him great sadness then. Thinking about the emaciated Teo at that time still brought both a small thrill and sadness circling within me.
It felt like the astringent, bitter scent of black tea was rising from the teacup that had already been emptied. The corner of my mouth tasted bitter, and that sensation was suitable for making me angry.
I took out my phone and scrolled through the screen. Then I opened the location tracking app I had secretly installed while Teo was sleeping to check his location. It was my own secret for the unpredictable Teo.
“……”
But unfortunately, the app wasn’t picking up any signal. It had never failed to track even when going abroad, yet there was no indication. The reality I wanted to deny was showing. His escape was being confirmed before my eyes. My eyes rolled around.
“Ha, ha… ha……”
And unorganized laughter leaked out.
I looked at the empty teacup. It was as if the scent rising from this teacup was numbing my mind. So I slowly got up from my seat and threw this damn teacup towards the wall.
Crash. The teacup made a clear sound. The teacup thrown with all my might was now unrecognizable from its original form. Again, only laughter came out.
“Shit….”
I had done my best all this time. For him, I had changed myself so much.
I acknowledged my deficiencies and diligently sifted through my anger. He will never know how much effort I put in. Yet, the price for that was once again fully visited upon me alone.
I slowly raised my hand and looked at my severed finger. I remembered when this mark was made. And I didn’t dislike this mark, which had become a means to bind him afterward. The severed area, leaving a faint mark, proved us.
At that time, I could have avoided that man without grabbing the blade. But I was confident that if I got injured, Teo wouldn’t leave me due to guilt.
And that action wasn’t wrong. I was able to perfectly bind Teo beneath me. I believed so.
Even so, all that remains with me today are scars.
“……”
I rubbed my face with dry hands.
A sigh welled up to the end of my chin, but I swallowed it hard. I hadn’t even begun anything yet, and acting so emotional wasn’t good. Since Teo didn’t particularly like me showing such emotions, I had to restrain myself even more.
‘What should I do?’
I tried to find a clear answer within the unpleasant thoughts.
Just then, a good idea came to mind. If I found Teo again, it would be good to create the same wound at the same position on him as my wound. It’s a shame it wouldn’t be the ring finger, but wouldn’t it look like couple rings in a way? Yes. It seemed like a very good idea. Thinking about holding hands together made my mind feel refreshed.
“Ha….”
A hollow laugh burst out uncontrollably. This wasn’t the time to be angry. I had to move.
I quickly erased my smile and put on layers of clothes. After casually brushing my hair, I looked in the mirror and smiled slightly as usual.
It was a perfect smile.
Teo liked this smile of mine. Sometimes, he would turn his face red and stare at me blankly. So if he wants it, continuing to smile like this wouldn’t be bad.
But first, I needed to meet him. I had to hold him accountable for why he abandoned me again and how many more times he planned to abandon and run away from me in the future.
To do that, I had to revert these burning emotions back to normal. I needed to become the me that Teo wanted. By becoming the me that he wanted, I had to firmly instill guilt in him.
I had to go.
I couldn’t tolerate him arbitrarily distancing himself from me. And there was no such thing as an ending conversation between us.
We had to take responsibility for ourselves. We needed to love each other as before, confirm each other, and find stability.
That’s the way we should live.
Right.
It was Teo who awakened these emotions in me. So he must take responsibility for me. And I must take responsibility for him too. There was no other way.
I approached Teo’s wallet and looked inside. I saw our Polaroid photo tucked in the wallet.
I slowly stroked that photo and took out his ID. I already knew his ID was fake. Teo might think I wouldn’t know, but his French pronunciation was different from other French people for him to be from France.
Thinking about Teo, who would have thought I wouldn’t notice, made me feel quite good. After keeping only his ID and the Polaroid, I threw the wallet into the trash.
‘I have to go.’
Excitement and anger led me.
