# Chapter 22
“Woosang, who did you date before?”
“My last relationship was in England. That was already 4 years ago. She was a British-Chinese woman. I didn’t really like her, but I couldn’t reject her, so I dated her and broke up after a few months. Now, it’s your turn to tell me.”
Woosang pressed me relentlessly, not giving me any way to escape.
It was awkward to make up someone I dated here, yet it was also embarrassing to say I’d never been in a relationship before.
“……”
As I stared at him blankly, Woosang looked at me with frightening eyes.
Since this was the first time I’d seen this expression on him, I had no idea how to react. But I thought it would be more troublesome if I lied and got caught, so I gathered my courage to open my mouth.
As I slightly parted my lips, Woosang focused his gaze on them, not even blinking once.
“……”
Terrified by his intense stare, I closed my mouth tight again. I couldn’t understand why I had to be so nervous about something like this.
‘Still, I should tell him.’
I swallowed the scream that was about to burst out and said,
“…Actually.”
“Yes.”
“…I’ve never dated anyone before.”
“Really?”
“…Yes.”
Why was I saying this? My face felt like it was burning with embarrassment. I wanted to look up and see his expression, yet at the same time, I absolutely didn’t want to.
For a while, Woosang was silent, and though I was curious and wanted to raise my head to look at him, I tried not to.
“……”
After a period of silence, Woosang laughed softly and placed his hand gently on my knee. And a small laugh escaped near my ear.
I wanted to turn my head away, not wanting to keep his hand in my sight, but I was caught by Woosang and forced to look at him.
“Am I your first?”
“……Yes.”
I let out a deep sigh and continued to answer.
“I’m sorry.”
“Why is Teo apologizing? I’m the one who should be sorry. I feel like I pushed you too much.”
“Because I always act so clueless. Always like a dull… blockhead. It’s okay. Just, from now on, understand if I act naive.”
“I will.”
I couldn’t bring myself to tell him that I had never wanted to meet anyone else, nor had the desire to.
It was because I was afraid that if I told him that he was my first in everything, he might think of me strangely.
But somehow, he smiled as if he was pleased. I turned my gaze to that smile and felt Woosang’s breath directly.
He would act like he didn’t care about worldly matters, but he wanted to know everything in detail about my affairs. I found Woosang’s attitude unfamiliar, but it was also reassuring.
It was because I was confident that, at least for the time being, he wouldn’t leave me.
“…Has Woosang ever dated a man?”
“No. Even when I dated women, I was never passionate, but that’s not really important, is it?”
“Is that so.”
“Yes. Now we have each other…”
That’s right. There’s no reason to be fixated on someone’s firsts.
That would only make people miserable. I didn’t avoid Woosang’s approaching face. Seemingly satisfied with my reaction, he lightly kissed near my eyes.
The performance we had turned on was now a black screen, and that wasn’t important to us.
His lips met mine.
Woosang seemed surprised by this behavior, which was different from usual, but soon embraced my neck and responded. I was even surprised at where this courage came from.
“Is there anything you wish from me?”
“…What?”
“I can fulfill everything for you.”
“……It’s okay.”
I turned my head away, disliking the eye contact with him, but he firmly held me.
I could tell. I simply could not escape from Woosang. That was the inevitable outcome.
“Then will you fulfill what I wish for?”
“……”
He smiled. My breath trembled finely at that expression. Woosang acted as if he saw through all my feelings.
That’s probably true. Because Woosang was a person who knew everything.
Thus, we looked only at each other. As if we were everything to each other, we shared our warmth.
***
How much time had passed?
I rolled my eyes while casually brushing my messy hair. Looking at the window, it seemed the sun was already rising.
‘What time is it? Around 5 AM?’
Rubbing my eyes, I glanced beside me. I seemed to have gone to bed late after staying up all night with Woosang, so I was surprised to have woken up this early. But seeing Woosang lying next to me made my uneasy feelings better.
Sighing, I felt around with my hand to find Woosang, but surprisingly, he was already awake and our eyes met directly.
“Ah, Woosang. What… time is it now?”
“8 AM. You can sleep more.”
“No, I’ve slept more than I thought.”
I expected it to be an earlier time, but still, it wasn’t that late.
Woosang slowly raised his body and looked down at me carefully. I looked up at him and yawned. He gently wiped the tears in the corners of my eyes with his hand.
As we blankly stared at each other’s faces for a while, somehow Woosang’s expression had become a bit rigid. Seeing that expression, I seemed to know what he wanted to talk about.
It was something I initially wanted to discuss, but now it was a conversation I wanted to avoid.
I turned my gaze away from Woosang’s opening lips.
“Teo. I think it’s time for me to talk too.”
“……”
“About what we’re going to do from now on. We’ve been avoiding it, but we should talk about it, right?”
“…Yes.”
Woosang brought up the issue we had been ignoring until now. I thought he would never be the first to talk about what had happened in the past. But he reached out to me first.
I wandered, not knowing how to start talking.
Lately, Woosang had been more anxious than ever. With the injury issue and living together at home, he extremely disliked being separated from me. So I thought he wanted to ignore and avoid other problems.
But that wasn’t the case.
It seems Woosang had been thinking about our issues even during that time.
Indeed, it was always Woosang who moved forward. I couldn’t catch up to him. But I didn’t dislike this path he was leading me on.
“Going forward, what do you want to do? If Teo decides what he wants to do, I’ll follow. I’ll protect Teo somehow.”
Hearing those words, I caressed the gap of his severed finger. I couldn’t find any words to respond to his intense statement.
“…I.”
I just stared at his wound meaninglessly. This wound I created will never be erased for his entire life.
Does he know? The fact that he might live with unfamiliar phantom pain for the rest of his life.
‘Would Woosang still have spoken warmly to me even if that had happened?’
The persistent anxiety tried to engulf me. But I knew it too. If I lived trusting Woosang, I could move forward on my own.
“What I want to do……”
Unable to take my eyes off him, I mumbled blankly.
I closed my mouth at a question I had never thought about before.
‘Did I ever have something I wanted to do?’
Nothing came to mind.
I carefully traced back the days I had lived, forgetting the person “me.” Since I was very young, I had no expectations for life. The world was not as warm as books, and I knew that the fictional world in them could not become reality.
And yet, there was one thing I had wanted.
But those words were blocked in my mouth and never brought out into the world. I didn’t even try to bring them out. But should I say it now?
Of course, I had to answer if Woosang asked. And I felt I could answer. Because he had wiped away my fears.
“…Books, I liked reading books.”
“……”
“I really liked it. So, I also… wanted to write such books. But, you know, Woosang. I don’t know anything. I didn’t even know that people like you lived in this world. So I thought only perfect beings could write books. I thought it was all fictional stories.”
“That’s not true. Now you know, right? The things you thought were fictional all exist in the world.”
A hollow laugh escaped involuntarily.
“You’re right. It really existed. It wasn’t all an illusion. Even now, you are next to me….”
I blankly stroked his face. He, who always had an expression that seemed indifferent to the world, shows me a happy face. He wants to keep me by his side.
It was so warm that sometimes I was startled. These words were all hidden beneath my throat.
“When you showed me that expression, I was so scared you might disappear…. You were afraid I might disappear, but I was so afraid you might crumble like dust that I couldn’t even touch you. But then, you chose me again. I….”
Tears poured out.
It felt like my entire eyes were pouring out, not just tears. He accepted me. We collided together. We could exist as one.
‘You made me like that.’
I couldn’t believe the emotions I felt. It hurt so much. It was painful. I grasped my head and tried to collect the flowing tears. But it didn’t work that way. I couldn’t do anything.
I could never do anything alone. I was lonely. I was a lonely person. I don’t think he ruined me.
He created me.
I thought I had recognized the fact that I was human, but that wasn’t it.
I was a being created by Woosang.
Woosang lifted my head and gently wiped away the tears I had shed. That gesture made tears pour out again.
“I will choose you and guide you. Then you’ll surely be able to live for me. Right?”
“…Yes.”
“Let’s try together. I’ll grant whatever Teo wants. So, don’t be afraid to do anything from now on.”
“I will.”
I buried my face between his chest and wiped away my tears. The tears wouldn’t stop.
I quietly thought. If I could just maintain my relationship with Woosang, I could surely do anything.
‘Then what should I do?’
I had to clarify what I should do while being under Woosang. It was different from saying I would write.
In fact, the answer was predetermined. I know it well.
Tick, tock.
The second hand of the clock was loudly ticking over. Even at this time, our time together was flowing away.
I closed my eyes and listened to Woosang’s heartbeat and the sound of the second hand. Like our relationship, they flowed endlessly.
