Dieu 21

# Chapter 21

Woosang hugged me from behind and pointed at the boiling pot.

“Can you let me taste it?”

“Yes, just a moment.”

I scooped a little food into a bowl and handed it to him. After tasting it, he smiled slightly and said it was fine.

Somehow embarrassed by his expression, I turned my head and took out the dishes. He tried to help me take out other things, but I told him it was okay, sat him on the sofa, and finished the rest of the preparations.

Before giving the prepared food to Woosang, I was lightly tasting it when I felt Woosang take out his phone and snap a picture of me.

Click

When I looked at him questioningly, he said, “Just a moment,” and took a few more photos.

“I realized we don’t have many pictures together, and I don’t have many photos of Teo on my phone. Do you not like having your picture taken?”

“…It’s fine.”

“That’s a relief. Look here.”

As I stood there stiffly looking at the camera, Woosang told me not to be tense and gave me a broad smile.

Surprised by his expression, I blinked, and our eyes met through the phone. We stared at each other for a while, then put the phone down and had our meal before the food got cold.

Sometimes Woosang wanted to record our time together.

I wanted to ask why, but I often let it pass without asking, afraid of hearing an unexpected answer.

Still, seeing that he wanted to record only me and no one else, I guessed it was because I was someone precious to Woosang right now.

I raised my head and observed Woosang eating.

Woosang, who shouldn’t even have caffeine until his finger was fully reattached, looked tired after taking his medication, no matter what he did.

Even while eating, he didn’t look refreshed, and fatigue was plastered under his eyes. It seemed like I’d have to put him to bed right after he finished his meal today too.

It might be because of the medication, but it also seemed like all the fatigue he had accumulated was pouring out because he’d been through a lot lately.

Recently, I sat on the same bed reading a book to help Woosang sleep. And occasionally, I checked to make sure Woosang’s hand wasn’t trapped when he tossed and turned, and I brushed his hair back for him.

Then, noticing that he had finished the water placed beside the bed, I quietly got up, leaving the book on the blanket.

Recently, maybe because I was also stressed, my throat felt parched at all hours. Since it wasn’t good to keep drinking tea on an empty stomach, I kept guzzling several bottles of water, but my aching head wouldn’t easily subside.

Even though we were maintaining this peace now, there was no way to know when misfortune would strike us again.

With dizzy thoughts, I felt somewhat feverish, so I was drinking water and washing my face in the bathroom when there was a loud thud from behind the door.

It was a familiar presence.

“…!”

Startled, I hurriedly wiped my face with a towel and tried to open the door, but I could feel Woosang making a loud noise outside the door.

He seemed to be calling my name.

And before I could open the door, he shook the locked bathroom door several times. Worried that the doorknob might break, I quickly unlocked it, and Woosang immediately spilled towards me.

“Teo…! Why didn’t you answer? I thought you had disappeared.”

“I’m sorry. I forgot because I was using the bathroom.”

“…At least make a sound next time. I was really surprised.”

“I will. Get up now.”

The two of us, who had almost collapsed onto the sink, stood up again. While checking him over to see if he was hurt anywhere, I noticed blood flowing between Woosang’s injured fingers.

Surprised by the blood that was flowing out without even being pricked by a needle, I snatched his hand and examined it.

“Did you bump into something?”

“I think I grazed it slightly while hurriedly pulling back the blanket on the bed earlier. It’s not bleeding much.”

“……”

Even if it wasn’t bleeding much, a wound that had opened was still an open wound. Sighing at the sight, I grabbed his arm and led him into the room.

Woosang followed me without saying much. Then he silently watched as I took out the first aid kit.

“Are you angry?”

“I’m not angry.”

“……”

If there was a major concern recently, it was Woosang’s attitude like this. Sometimes when I went to the bathroom or to the kitchen for water when Woosang was asleep, he would wake up suddenly and call out for me loudly.

Startled, I would reveal that I was there and approach him, but he wouldn’t easily calm down.

Clearly, our anxieties seemed to have been somewhat resolved before we were attacked by my former colleague.

I had become more at ease with my feelings than before, and I thought Woosang and I had gained confidence in each other as he opened up about his pain.

But the sudden misfortune had shaken us.

He sustained a major injury while already exhausted, and that injury gave him two weeks of hell. Perhaps because of that, he seemed to have completely forgotten the day we promised not to leave each other.

I want to be by Woosang’s side. And I will be. But Woosang ignored me and seemed to be feeling pain as if something inside him was broken.

My chest hurt like it was burning up.

I didn’t know what I should do.

“Woosang, don’t be anxious. I promised I would stay with you, remember?”

“…Am I anxious? Is that how I look?”

“Yes. You look anxious to me.”

“Somehow, I keep feeling like I’ll be left alone. I’m sorry.”

Even though I don’t want to feel this way…

Woosang mumbled to himself. We slowly met each other’s gaze. Thinking that Woosang probably felt the same as I did, I couldn’t bear it anymore.

I silently embraced him. Woosang looked up at me, then wrapped his arms around my back and listened to my heartbeat.

‘Why does our happiness keep missing each other?’

I want to protect him, but our situation was never quite right.

As we sat like that for a while, Woosang slowly laid me down on the bed.

Without saying anything, I lay on the bed as he placed me. And I blankly looked up at Woosang who was looking down at me.

Woosang was looking at me with a different gaze than usual, and I thought I could somewhat read the meaning of that gaze. But I didn’t want to respond to that look.

It wasn’t good to be swept away by anything during such anxious times.

“Teo.”

“Yes.”

“Should we drop the formal speech between us? Bel asked why we’re still speaking formally to each other.”

“……”

“What do you think?”

“…Later.”

“Later?”

“Yes. Not now…”

“When?”

“Ah, someday…”

I covered my face in embarrassment and looked away from him, pretending to be distracted.

Even though in this country, people who are close use informal speech regardless of age difference, we had been using formal speech from the beginning until now, so I felt a strange resistance to suddenly using informal speech.

Even though we were the same age and liked each other, it was difficult for me to suddenly change my habits.

I could still feel his gaze on my covered face, but I tried to ignore it and remained silent.

Not long after, Woosang smiled slightly and pushed one of my arms covering my face above my head.

His face had less anxiety than before. I felt deeply relieved inside and met his eyes.

“You will definitely use it someday, right?”

“Yes, someday…”

Woosang nodded with a bitter smile as if he understood.

“Then answer just one thing.”

“What?”

“…Do you like me?”

He asked. I could roughly guess what Woosang wanted from such an obvious question. Sometimes, these small childish whims of Woosang pleased me.

“Of course. I… like you.”

I mustered my courage and recited in a small voice.

He responded to my answer with a smile and lightly pressed his forehead against mine.

His temperature felt very warm. This warmth would probably never be erased from inside me.

***

While doing the dishes after breakfast, I felt Woosang standing silently behind me. When I turned around, there was a USB in his hand.

“Teo, if it’s okay, would you like to watch a video of my performance?”

“You have something like that? I’d love to.”

Woosang, who had been taking a break from performances recently, hadn’t mentioned anything related to performances in front of me. I immediately agreed because I was glad that he was bringing it up first.

He connected the USB to the TV monitor, which I had never turned on since moving into this house, and started fiddling with various things, telling me to wait a moment.

I, who didn’t even know that the monitor had such functions, stared blankly in wonder as he operated it.

Not long after, a video began to play on the screen. After pausing it immediately, he sat with me on the sofa and explained the video.

“This is from about 3 years ago, when I was working as a freelancer in Berlin. Bel was also there at that time…, and I performed quite enjoyably. The people matched well, and the theme was interesting too.”

“What was the theme?”

“Space…. Now that I’m trying to explain it, I feel a bit embarrassed. The space within us, the space outside. The inner space I think of is different from reality, right? It’s about expressing that.”

“Ahh…”

“Umm… for performances like this, even though there’s a director and choreographer, during the preparation period, we mostly create the choreography together. We talk about the performers’ inner selves and create together.”

“…That’s difficult.”

“It’s a bit difficult, right? But it won’t be that difficult if you hear the explanation after watching the performance. We’re not philosophers, we’re dancers.”

I nodded lightly.

Woosang seemed somewhat embarrassed. When I looked at him questioningly, Woosang hesitantly said:

“Actually, I felt strange even when Teo first spoke to me. As I said before, the audience here is mostly just colleagues. Rather than actually wanting to see the dance, they’re all acquaintances or related people…, so don’t mind it.”

With those words, Woosang played the video. The Woosang I had been seeing as a dancer was playing in the video.

His straight lines and firm expression made him look completely different from his usual self. Even in the video, Woosang, as always, seemed to be standing alone in a different space.

His expression, which looked lonelier and more desolate than others, seemed impossible to erase.

Bel, who appeared intermittently in the video, was a dancer of a completely different caliber from Woosang.

If Woosang was somewhat sorrowful, Bel seemed to have endless energy surging.

Things I normally didn’t pay attention to caught my eye. Even though it was just silently moving the body, I could read some emotions.

Even in this short performance, I could find a Woosang I didn’t know.

Fascinated by this, I couldn’t take my eyes off the screen.

‘So people can be this diverse.’

My eyes sparkled at stories I had never encountered before.

Then the scene changed, and a scene came up where Bel and Woosang entangled and intertwined with each other.

The two people, who held each other’s arms and crossed their legs in close contact, were breathing onto each other.

“…!”

Startled, I looked at Woosang, and he, who also seemed a bit embarrassed, glanced at me and then directed his gaze back to the screen. The tips of his ears seemed to have turned slightly red.

‘Right. It’s a performance, so they can show things like this as much as they want….’

But the fact that the partner happened to be Bel was what bothered me. Bel and Woosang didn’t seem to have a sticky relationship with each other, but I couldn’t help but be bothered because of the video.

‘Were they not embarrassed at all to portray each other like this?’

Even if it was a performance, I would be bothered, but I couldn’t ask.

The cameraman zoomed in on the two entangled for a while, and only when it moved to the next scene did they pull back the zoom. It was an embarrassingly regrettable direction.

“Hmm…”

Woosang cleared his throat and shook his head.

“…Teo knows, right? Bel and I are absolutely not in that kind of relationship.”

“Yes, of course. Then, did you have someone you were dating at that time? They must have been jealous.”

Haha, as I made a frivolous joke, Woosang became serious at my words and stared at me expressionlessly.

‘It was really just a joke…’

I was about to add that it was a joke, but I couldn’t.

“Then let Teo tell me first.”

“…Tell you what?”

“Who has Teo dated before? Women? Men?”

“……”

“You seduced me quite splendidly.”