# Chapter 19
My head hurt. It didn’t seem to hurt like this before, but since meeting Woosang, painful thoughts kept coming at all hours.
I couldn’t tell if happiness was supposed to torment people like this.
I stepped on the man’s hand a few more times and threw him one of the cards from my wallet.
“This is money Hund left behind. I didn’t use a single penny. Take it. And never come back. Don’t forget that I saved your life.”
The man clutched his bloodied fingers and glared at me.
I felt like my voice might tremble, but I tried not to show any anger or other emotions.
I absolutely couldn’t let him know I was anxious. If I showed any weakness, I would definitely be attacked again. If that happened, I didn’t think I could let this man live anymore. Though he was full of malice, he was still one of Hund’s dogs, just like me.
I didn’t want to be cruel to a dog living a miserable life. I looked at the man’s missing index and ring fingers.
A few years ago, when Hund was still alive, I had cut off those fingers. I threw them into a fire pit to prevent them from being reattached, and the man had to live with his index and ring fingers missing from one hand.
Strong anger welled up, and I wanted to cut off all his remaining fingers too. Whether Woosang was around or not, I wanted to tear the man apart and throw him to the dogs.
“Do you know how much suffering I’ve endured because of you?! Do you know I suffer from phantom pain every day because of my missing fingers?!”
“…That’s not my problem. If you want, I can cut off the rest of them right now.”
When I approached the man, he jumped back in surprise. I felt like I had to rush over and tear him to pieces. But I knew I shouldn’t. The best course of action was to send this man away as he was.
My former colleague hesitated for a while, then suddenly got up and ran away without even picking up the card I had thrown.
Only cold bloodstains remained where he had been, leaving without saying anything.
A strong wave of dizziness hit me. The tension I hadn’t felt in a long time was breaking me down. I tried to live as if nothing was wrong, but my past self was running to catch me.
I had to escape.
I didn’t know what it was, but I felt like I needed to escape this situation. I thought I had gotten away, but in the end, I was still practically under Hund’s feet.
‘Should I go back to that time?’
My past self, who lived buried in books, nurturing only fantasies about the world, whispered to me.
‘You have to go back to how you were.’
That voice made it hard to breathe.
I felt like I couldn’t do anything like I used to. It seemed like that was my destiny. My dazed head hurt. I was breathing heavily when I suddenly remembered something.
“Haa… Haa…!”
I needed to go to Woosang. Snapping back to my senses, I ran toward where Woosang was.
“…Woosang.”
Woosang was blankly staring at me while trying to stop the bleeding from his bloodstained hand. Startled, I tried to touch his hand, but Woosang stepped back away from me.
“Sorry, but could you call an ambulance instead?”
Woosang spoke to me in English rather than French. His voice was as monotone as usual, but it seemed to be trembling strangely.
Flustered, I became panicked, and Woosang approached me and leaned his head on my shoulder.
“I’m sorry. I’m too shocked to speak French. Can you not speak English?”
“No, no, I can. I’ll, I’ll call right now.”
I was flustered as it wasn’t a language I used often, but since I could speak it, I answered calmly.
‘Where do I need to call for an ambulance?’
I rummaged through my empty brain and managed to make a call on my phone. After a few rings, someone picked up. I briefly explained the location and situation to the emergency responder.
Woosang didn’t move away from me, just keeping his hand raised while breathing heavily.
Wondering if he was losing a lot of blood, I looked at him closely, but he met my eyes and shook his head as if to say he was okay.
“They said they’re coming now. They’ll be here within 10 minutes. Are you feeling dizzy?”
“No. I’m fine. I get injured sometimes while working, so I know how to handle it. Don’t worry. Are you okay, Teo?”
“…I am.”
He looked at me with concern. He should be the one receiving such a gaze, not me, yet even in this situation, Woosang was worried about me.
I grabbed his shoulders and somehow managed to steady my racing breath. We listened to each other’s panting breaths while chewing over our inner thoughts.
Not long after, the ambulance arrived, and Woosang and I got in and headed to a nearby hospital.
“It looks like one finger has been severed, so we should go to a place where reattachment surgery is possible.”
“Show me your hand.”
Woosang, now seemingly calmed down, skillfully showed his hand to the paramedics in French again.
Although I was used to seeing horrific scenes, I had never seen someone close to me covered in blood like this, so it impacted me more strongly than usual.
Covered in blood with skin torn apart, his middle finger was almost completely severed.
Fortunately, the other fingers weren’t cut deeply enough to be severed, probably because the middle finger had blocked the impact first.
The paramedics comforted Woosang, saying he had applied pressure well and told him not to worry, and they also covered me with a blanket as I had turned pale.
Soon after arriving at the hospital, we waited in the waiting room for the doctor to arrive.
Woosang leaned on my shoulder, wrapped tightly in a blanket except for his hand.
Somehow, I felt like tears might leak out.
When my body trembled, Woosang looked at me and patted me with his other hand, saying it was okay.
I had never once thought that my past transgressions would catch up with me. But that was a naive thought.
I had tried to settle everything on my own terms.
‘Maybe this is divine punishment.’
It must be backlash for acting on my own.
“Teo.”
“……Yes.”
“You won’t leave, will you?”
Woosang looked at me.
He must have had a lot he wanted to ask me, but Woosang’s first words were concerns about separation. He looked at me with anxious eyes. My heart felt like it was breaking into pieces from guilt.
An unsettling emotion resided in his eyes. I blinked and didn’t answer. I couldn’t answer.
“……”
I couldn’t leave, but it felt like I could leave at any time. He was a blind spot to me, and I, who had hurt him, didn’t deserve to be here.
Seeing that I didn’t answer, Woosang made a tearful face and squeezed my hand tightly. It seemed like a silent signal asking me not to leave.
As an impure atmosphere filled the space between us, a nurse called Woosang with perfect timing. He looked at me with hurt eyes before following the nurse.
Left alone in the hallway, I stared at Woosang’s blood on my palm. That blood, which should have been warm, had left no warmth at all.
‘What should I do now? If I want to preserve this temperature, would killing my former colleague solve it?’
But unlike me, the man had quite a few associates. I only had Hund and that man at best, but if that man died, his associates would probably swarm like a pack of dogs. Especially since everyone knew that the man hated me.
Nevertheless, I had been with him. So this was entirely my fault.
I should have killed him back then. When he attacked me, I should have slit his throat, not just taken two fingers.
My head started to fill with dirty thoughts. If I had killed that bastard then, if I had truly thrown everything away and fled when Hund told me to stop, this wouldn’t have happened. I was stupid. I deeply regretted my choices.
My throat felt completely blocked, and my mind was screaming that I needed to kill him right now. Having never killed someone out of emotion before, these thoughts scared me. It seemed that in the end, I was still an unchanged beast.
In the midst of all this, I wanted to see Woosang. Even though we had just been together, it felt as distant as if I had last seen him years ago.
While I was lost in thought with my head bowed for a long time, I heard someone approaching. It was the nurse from earlier. The nurse informed me that the reattachment surgery was complete, and he was in his hospital room.
Looking at the clock, several hours had already passed. It seems I had lost track of time while being swept up in my thoughts.
I hurriedly grabbed my coat and ran to the room where he was. I saw Woosang lying alone in a private room.
“Teo.”
“…Woosang.”
I rushed to him and looked down at his face. Then, avoiding his arm, I lightly embraced him.
His familiar scent mixed with the smell of disinfectant alcohol poured over me all at once. Though I had usually been afraid of touching him, right now I felt strong relief.
After staying like that for a while, I pulled away and looked at Woosang’s injured hand. It was tightly bandaged except for the severed middle finger.
It felt hard to breathe, and my lips and throat seemed to be trembling.
‘Why am I only able to cause Woosang this kind of pain?’
I hated myself so much that I didn’t know what to do.
“…Teo, I think I’ll have to stay in the hospital for about 3 weeks.”
“Is it very serious…?”
“My middle finger was severed, so I’ll need to be here for a while to see if the finger necrotizes or not.”
“……”
At those unexpected words, I felt my breath catch.
“Don’t worry too much. They said there won’t be any problems if blood circulates to the severed area for 2-3 weeks. So,”
Woosang continued, watching my reaction.
“If it’s okay with Teo, would you stay by my side during that time?”
“…Of course. I will.”
I nodded without any hesitation at his words. Woosang smiled brightly and said thank you. That smile, tinged with fatigue, created a strange atmosphere.
I didn’t deserve to receive his thanks, but I also didn’t have the right to respond.
Knock knock-
Just then, there was a knock at the door of the hospital room. Woosang answered, telling them to come in.
The door opened, and several nurses and a doctor stood beside the bed and began talking about the surgery.
I couldn’t let go of my guilt due to Woosang’s attitude, which was more composed than I expected. It seemed like he was being considerate because he was worried I might have a hard time. That consideration only made me feel more wretched.
Just then, I felt my sleeve becoming heavy, and when I looked, Woosang was holding my sleeve tightly and not letting go. All I could do was stare at that sight in dismay.
I had no idea what to do. There was probably nothing I could do. It had always been like that.
Always.
